BIFL - Thanksgiving Spectacular

It's Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, and I've been sitting at home all day waiting for my new cell phone, whose delivery has already failed twice, to arrive. I'm not leaving the house until it's here. Starting to get a little crazy. I've eaten an entire box of Wheat Thins and drank half a jug of apple cider. I've played a stint of Rock Band on drums, a stint on guitar, a stint on bass, and am wondering when I will reach the point of standing in the middle of my living room, singing into a microphone along with the videogame characters on the television. In short, I am bored stiff and stir crazy. So I've decided to devote the next few hours to the mother of all Lassard posts, a Thanksgiving spectacular.

Thanksgiving is perhaps the greatest of all holidays, for a number of reasons. First of all, there are the traditions associated with it: eating, drinking, football, and napping. Right there you've got four of the top six things I enjoy in life. Next is the fact that it's a secular holiday, which I think is a bigger deal than a lot of people give it credit for. I'm certainly not much of a Christian anymore, and Christmas has become just as much a national and commercial holiday as it is about the birth of Christ, but you can't really get through Christmas without having some awareness of the whole Nativity story and all that jazz that I just can't get into. And while the whole gift exchange thing is nice, it also comes loaded with a smattering of greed and pressure, neither of which are emotions I like to celebrate. Halloween is fun, but there isn't really much to it besides wearing a ridiculous costume and seeing women dressed up like whores. The Fourth of July is pretty awesome, and I am amazed every year at how amazed I still am by fireworks, but it doesn't have any kind of season around it, and sometimes it falls on like a Wednesday, so that you (and by you, I mean "not teachers") have to work the day before and after. That's horseshit. Putting any of the other holidays in the ring (Memorial Day? Labor Day? Fucking Valentine's Day?) is a joke.

Cheesy though it may be, I also really like the spirit of Thanksgiving. It seems like a lot of the problems I have with people result from them acting selfish, overly-entitled, and ungrateful (not exempting myself from those people, either), so if we can spend just one day a year where everyone is encouraged to look at what they have and actually take a moment to appreciate it, I'm all about it. Of course this leads to the inevitable dinner-table round of "This year I'm thankful for...", and even at the Thanksgiving I attended of jaded, ironic Brooklynites, we still managed to go through this routine with a minimum of sarcasm or snarkiness. Though it's obviously not as high as things like family, friends, health, a job I love, and a comfortable life, I am certainly thankful for fantasy football, providing me as it does with so much diversionary fun during the football season and opportunities to keep in touch with, and talk shit to, so many people. With that in mind, I decided to go through the league and give everyone, from the league-leading Egon Spengler (oh, am I in first place? I hadn't even noticed) to the league-trailing Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts, something to be thankful for. In fact, since he may be considering fantasy suicide at this point, let's start off with Juse:

Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts are thankful for...
keepers. I just went back through the archives, and the last time I could find anything close to a franchise running back on a Rousseau roster was 2004, when he had Brian Westbrook and Clinton Portis (and went to the Biffle Bowl, I should note). This year his squad has been snake-bitten, suffering through a multitude of injuries, including his top two draft picks, running backs Darren McFadden and Willis McGahee. He traded for Steven Jackson mid-season, only to see him play just once, in limited fashion, since then. His wide receivers have been hobbled as well, losing Anquan Boldin for a chunk of the season thanks to a nasty sandwich hit by the Jets, and consistent problems - be they injury-related or team rule infraction-related - from Plaxico Burress. But next year! Next year Juse will have his pick of S-Jax and McFadden at RB; and Brandon Marshall, Burress, and Dwayne Bowe at wideout. And once Commissioner Bardey institutes the new lottery system, Juse will have a better shot at that number one draft spot than ever before, giving him another option besides Jackson/McFadden should he decide there's a better option on the market. Yes, Juse has endured a difficult 2008, but he can be thankful that the very things that were his weaknesses this year should be his strengths next year, and in fantasy, there is always next year.

[note: I'm watching the Heat-Suns game right now, and Dwyane Wade is going nutso]

Alligator Fuckhouse is thankful for...
Week 6. When your team is 4-8 through 12 games and out of the playoff picture, you can at least look back fondly on individual achievements, if not on team success. Week 6 saw the beginning of two individual successes for the Fuckhousers. It was in Week 6 that the roulette wheel of Tom Brady replacements landed on Atlanta rookie Matt Ryan, who would come to be the most consistent of Souts' QBs, averaging 15 points per game since then. More significantly, Week 6 marked the first week of post-bye week Thomas Jones. Jones is currently sixth among all fantasy RBs on the season, but considering that he had 7, 2, and 6 point outings in weeks 2, 3, and 4, I'm willing to guess that he's pretty much the top fantasy rusher since he got back from his week off, averaging 20 points per game over that span. That includes a 34-point performance in Week 10 that gave Souts the edge over former co-owner Billy; and if Souts needs more to be thankful for, beating the man who mentored him into the league has to be a silver lining to this season's cloud. Speaking of Billy...

Pet Monkey is thankful for...
Roddy White. Billy's 4th-round selection has played more like a 2nd-rounder, ranking 5th among wideouts in total fantasy scoring this season. As an owner of White in another league, I can tell you that owning him is a lot of fun, because when Roddy gets hot, he stays hot, as he did in weeks 3 (21 pts), 5 (21), 6 (19), and 8 (27) this season. Having ghost-drafted Larry Johnson, Willie Parker, and Antonio Gates (jeez) ahead of him this year, Billy is probably looking at his #1 keeper headed into 2009, and with Aaron Rodgers available to him in the 12th, the Pet Monkey QB/WR combo may be set for years to come.

[Billy is not thankful for... the fact that the Black Presidents are leading Dominique Moceanu 7-1 right now, especially after he talked shit earlier in the week. 6 threes by Granger tonight!]

Santonio's Blunts are thankful for...
rookie running backs. Heading into this season, Bardey made the decision to eschew his keepable running backs (I'm looking for things to be thankful for, so I'll decline to mention their names) in favor of his seemingly economical wideouts. Unfortunately, those keepers didn't pan out quite as he'd hoped, leaving him in a position to regret those lost RBs. But he shouldn't feel that regret too deeply, because he seems to have grabbed himself a few rookies who'll be able to help out for years to come. Matt Forte has been a Grade A fantasy stud right out the gate this season, ranking 5th among RBs and averaging 16 points per game. Kevin Smith hasn't been nearly as consistent, but he has been relatively solid, especially considering that he plays for the woeful Lions. Assuming he doesn't repeat past mistakes, Bardey will have some solid young guns not only this year, but on Thanksgiving 2009, 2010, 2011...

Cholish Chachfaces are thankful for...
Scheduling quirks. Thanks to our not-so-random scheduling system, Chalski gets to play Alligator Fuckhouse twice this year, including here in Week 13. Granted, the Chachfaces lost to the Fuckhousers in Week 1, but since then Souts' squad has proved to be the lowest-scoring group in the league, and Chalski is taking them on at a time when one last win might just squeeze him into the playoffs. The teams he's trying to catch - Manatee Eaters, Chip Lohmiller, and Sky Vault Centurions - are either playing each other or higher-ranked teams, meaning that if they lose and Chalski wins with enough points, he'll overtake them in the standings. His best chance comes if Dekker beats Chuck, and already Lohmiller's big NFC East threesome has posted some huge numbers in that match-up. You can't ask for much more than still being alive with three games already gone in the last week of the regular season.

Sky Vault Centurions are thankful for...
Tiki Barber and Ladell Betts. Why would Andre be thankful for a running back who retired two seasons ago and a little-used and currently-injured backup? Because it was the presence of Barber that allowed Dre to draft Brandon Jacobs in the 10th round a few years back, and the late-2006 emergence of Ladell Betts (and projected 2007 timeshare) that allowed Portis to fall to Dre in last year's 2nd round. Though both guys are walking wounded right now, they have been beasts for most of the season up til now. In fact, with Jay Cutler and Larry Fitzgerald also on the roster, it's kind of a wonder SVC aren't leading the league standings. Not surprisingly, though, they are leading the league in scoring.

Manatee Eaters are thankful for...
Flukey offensive schemes and multi-talented backs. As has been well-publicized on this blog, Chuck is still coasting on the fumes of early-season success, and having lost 5 of his last 6, faces possible elimination from the playoffs this week. Even if that happens, he'll always have that magical 6-game run to be thankful for, and it came largely on the shoulders of his dual-threat running backs, Reggie Bush and Steve Slaton. Both these guys are equally capable as receivers and rushers, and each took their turn carrying the Eaters in the early part of the season. Also contributing to Chuck's success was Ronnie Brown's Wildcat-based offensive proliferation; but much as the NFL has started to figure out the Wildcat, so has BIFL clearly figured out the Manatee.

Chip Lohmiller are thankful for...
Thanksgiving blowouts. Jesus. I know I've already mentioned it, and I'll have to again in the Preview section of the write-up (that's right, I'm doing Thankfuls, Reviews, and Previews in this post - I did title it "Spectacular," didn't I?), but Lohmiller's NFC Easters went the fuck off yesterday. With a playoff spot potentially on the line, Dekker's big three drew some seriously porous defenses for the holiday weekend, with the Cowboys and Eagles totalling 82 points to the Seahawks' and Cardinals' 29. With Romo and Westbrook apparently healthy again, and McNabb presumably motivated by last week's benching, Dekker could have a lot more to be thankful for as his team heats up for a possible deep run into the playoffs.

Jeff Stryker is not really gay is thankful for (that makes for an awkward sentence)...
lop-sided trades. Early in the season, it seemed that with a dearth of running backs (Ryan Grant was still sucking at that point and there was no guarantee that Matt Forte's success would last) and a surfeit of quarterbacks (Donovan McNabb, Kurt Warner, and Marc Bulger), Bardey should trade on those signal-callers away to acquire a solid rusher. Sending Kurt Warner to Shoaf for Earnest Graham made all kinds of sense. Since then? Not so much sense. Warner has turned into an MVP candidate and the second-best fantasy QB behind the incomparable Drew Brees. Meanhwile, Graham had a decent, if not fantastic season going until Week 7. Since then he's had 14 points. Kurt Warner's only had two weeks the entire season where he scored less than 14, and one of those was when he was still on Bardey's roster. I'd say that's a trade that Will can be thankful he made.

FUBAR is thankful for...
Drew Motherfucking Brees. So far, I've tried to avoid simply saying "[so-and-so] is thankful for... [name their best player]," but with this team I simply can't. Brees is averaging 21.5 points per game. He's gone over 25 five times already this season, with Detroit still on the schedule if FUBAR can make it into the championship game. Remember the love note I wrote to Michael Turner early in the season? Well, in comparison, Spencer must fall asleep at night actually humping a Drew Brees Fathead. I wonder if he makes Tess/Teresa (at some point before the wedding I feel like she made the switch, but I'm still not sure which I'm supposed to say) put on a Saints helmet and do the "Who dat?" chant before they do it. Fun fact: Brees accounts for over 22% of Spence's total scoring so far this season. Thanks, Drew!

Iron Chef of Pounding Poon is thankful for...
Lay-down opponents. Know how many teams have scored less than the Iron Chef this year? Two. Know where those teams reside in the standings? Last in the East and last in the West? Know where the Iron Chef resides? Top of the West. Know how many wins those other two teams have combined? Seven. Know how many wins the Iron Chef has? Seven. No one in the league has had less points scored against him than Bryan Dick, who averages an amazing 82 ppg against. And this fucker has the nerve to complain about a tie. Count your blessings, asshole.

Egon Spengler is thankful for...
So much. I'm thankful that Michael Turner turned out to be a stud. I'm thankful that of all the rookie running backs taken in the draft, mine (Chris Johnson) turned out to be one of the best. I'm thankful that that gave me the leeway to trade away Steven Jackson, right as he was heading into his injury, for Anquan Boldin, right as he was coming off of his. Speaking of which, boy am I thankful for Q! 16 points a week since his bye week! Awesome. I'm thankful for Wes Welker's consistency. I'm thankful for that Dick-Spencer tie that has me a half-game up on FUBAR right now. And I'm thankful for your continued readership of the blog. Thanks.

[update: I started putting this together like 8 hours ago, and in that cell phone delivery I was talking about at the start of the write-up never materialized. I waited all day for nothing, and potentially will have to do the same thing tomorrow. Not so thankful for DHL right now.]

Now that we've been around the table and each team has said their piece, let's carve into the turkey. Week 12 Review:
Chip Lohmiller 91.5, Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts 83
The return of the Romo-Owens connection is pretty much the beginning and end of this story, as they split 60 points between them, good for nearly 75% of Juse's total score. The Arrrrrghos have a connection of their own going these days, with Tyler Thigpen (19), Dwayn Bowe (11) and Tony Gonzalez (19) hooking up regularly over the past few weeks, but a team where Chiefs are the highest scorers is not a team that's going to win a lot of fantasy games, especially with contributors like Willis McGahee (0), Plaxico Burress (0), and Antonio Pittman (1). 16 points on the bench from Darren McFadden should be encouraging for Juse, though. And on the other bench, Anthony Gonzalez (15) may have earned himself a starting spot on Dekker's team now that the Colts are experiencing a resurgence.

Iron Chef of Pounding Poon 117, Manatee Eaters 85
The Iron Chef really did pound it this week, with guys all over the roster contributing to this lambasting of the Manatee Eaters. Eli Manning and DeAngelo Williams (21 each) were the top ICPP scorers, but Steve Smith (18), Laveranues Coles (14), and LaDainian Tomlinson (11) all chipped in to help overcome a 2007-esque day by the Eaters' Randy Moss 32. It's a good thing that Chuck isn't going to make it into the playoffs, or we'd all have to worry about this third coming of Randy Moss. As it is, he'll be tearing up our consolation bracket. Dick, on the other hand, will be heading into the post-season with DeAngelo Williams among the hottest rushers in fantasy.

Pet Monkey 72, Jeff Stryker is not really gay 111.5
Man, am I gonna be glad when this season is over and I don't have to type out "Jeff Stryker is not really gay" multiple times a week. Can we make a rule about not allowing sentences any more as team names? Maybe I'll just use my still-active interim commissioner powers to go in and change it myself. Not that I would ever use those powers for evil purposes, of course. But maybe just to shorten it to "JS ain't 2 gay." Anyways, the Stryker attack was a three-headed monster this week (I wonder if any of his porno films featured a similar angle). Kurt Warner, Greg Jennings, and Warrick Dunn went for 18 each, and were backed up by Adrian Peterson, who is notably still alive, defying all expectations. It seems like this is the third week in a row I've written a review of Billy's team without saying much about his team, but frankly there isn't much to say. Good game for Aaron Rodgers (24). Larry Johnson chipped in 10, but as far as I can tell is still on suicide watch.

FUBAR 114, Santonio's Blunts 127.5
Spence's team was really good this week, but everywhere you turned it just seemed that Bardey's team was a little bit better. Drew Brees continued his historic season with his best outing so far (34), but that was still not quite as good as Matt Cassel (37). Bardois' Ryan Grant (7) was a bit of a disappointment after a couple solid weeks, but Spence's Frank Gore (2) was an even bigger disappointment after a solid season. Derrick Ward (15) got increased playing time with Brandon Jacobs out, but was not match for Matt Forte (27). Calvin Johnson (12) has continued to play well despite playing for the decrepit Lions, but a good day for the Lions' offense doesn't equate to an off day for Marques Colston (15). You get the point. Like much of the Frogg's fantasy history, really good just wasn't quite good enough.

Alligator Fuckhouse 56, Egon Spengler 110.5
I don't really feel the need to belabor this one too much. The score speaks for itself pretty well. If I'd only played my quarterback, running back, and kicker I'd have won this game by six. Michael Turner = King of the Centaurs. Keep an eye on Souts' roster moves this week: I think he may be angling for that top lottery position next year.

Cholish Chachfaces 102, Sky Vault Centurions 82
When I was writing Chalski's "Thankful" entry before, I had meant to include Lance Moore in there somewhere, because he's been an absolutely huge waiver-wire pickup for Chalski this season, essentially taking over the WR1 position on a roster that includes Reggie Wayne and Torry Holt. This week was no exception, as Moore went for 25. Lance got support from Philip Rivers (18) and Marshawn Lynch (15). Andre's workhorse, Clinton Portis (17), amazingly put up another big week despite having injuries to seemingly every part of his body. That wasn't quite enough to lead the team in scoring, however, as 143 rushing yards and 15 receiving yards isn't quite as big a day as 4 field goals and 6 extra points, courtesy of Rian Lindell (18). Usually, though, when your kicker leads your team in scoring, he leads them to defeat. The Centurions continued that trend in Week 12.

[update: with all our players done for the night, Moceanu has closed it to 5-3 on the Black Presidents. Damn you, Peja Stojakovic and your late-night game against the Blazers! The Blaze did win, though, and still undefeated in the Rose Garden this year. Fuck yeah.]

So now, with only one week left to play, there are still some playoff spots up for grabs, and coveted first-week byes to be decided. At the moment, the bottom three playoff spots are occupied by Will, Dekker, and Chuck, who are all 7-5 with Andre and Chalski knocking on the door at 6-6. Scoring-wise, Dre is actually at the top of that group, followed by Shoaf (-1.5), Dekker (-10.5), Chalski (-110) and Chuck (-135), so Andre will need a win and at least one loss from a 7-5 team to make it in, and Chalski will need a win and a loss by Andre. Dick, me, Spencer, and Will are locks or very close to it, and a lot would have to happen for Dekker to fall out of the playoffs. Let's take a look at the games themselves in our Week 13 Preview:

Chip Lohmiller (7-5) vs. Manatee Eaters (7-5)
As noted, this is the game with probably the most playoff implications, and it's also the game that's been largely decided in Thursday's Thanksgiving contests. The NFC East triplets went off to the tune of 80 points, and Dekker still has MJD going against Houston and Anthony Gonzalez going against Cleveland. Even with Peyton Manning and Ronnie Brown (vs. St. Louis) on the Manatee roster, catching up seems like an awfully tall order.
Lohmiller by 19

Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (7-4-1) vs. Pet Monkey (4-8)
Billy doesn't have much to play for anymore, but he does have the opportunity to take a first-round bye away from Dick. With Larry Johnson going against Oakland and Roddy White taking on San Diego, I think he's got a pretty god chance of doing just that.
Monkey by 8

Alligator Fuckhouse (4-8) vs. Cholish Chachfaces (6-6)
Are there any good defenses left in the NFL? I feel like every player I'm looking at this week looks like they're playing a shitty defense unless they're taking on Pittsburgh, Baltimore, or the Giants. Steve's got Matt Ryan taking on San Diego and Thomas Jones taking on Denver, which are both good match-ups, but Chalski's got Philip Rivers taking on Atlanta, Marshawn Lynch taking on San Francisco, and Reggie Wayne taking on Cleveland. Advantage: Chalski.
Chachfaces by 5

Jeff Stryker is not really gay (7-5) vs. Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts (3-9)
I'd really, really, really like to see Juse win this game. He's got a lot of Chiefs taking on the Raider. And he's got one Raider taking on the Chiefs. Will that game be more of an exercise in offensive or defensive ineptitude? I'm gonna bank on defensive ineptitude and go with
Juse by 7

Santonio's Blunts (5-7) vs. Egon Spengler (8-4)
I'm a little worried here. Chris Johnson had a huge start (28), but that was matched by McNabb, and my other Thursday combatants did nothing special. Still, I've got Favre going against Denver, and the Burner going against San Diego. It'll be tight, but I think I just might eke out my 7th win in a row.
Spengler by 2

FUBAR (7-4-1) vs. Sky Vault Centurions (6-6)
This is another one that could seriously impact the playoff situation, with the Centurions fighting for their playoff lives and FUBAR angling for that number one spot in the East. Sky Vault's got big red Q's next to their big bad RB's, so I think I'm gonna have to give the nod to
FUBAR by 6

Last week: 4-2 (not bad for a drunk guy)
Overall: 45-27

One more weekend, boys and girls, before the real fun starts. Will Andre and/or Chalski fight their way into the playoffs? Will Chuck continue his slide out? Will Spence and Shoaf steal me and Dick's byes? Only a few days til all these questions are answered and we can stop thinking about records and start thinking about championships. I'm fucking excited. And tired. There's a lot of words here.

Oh, and Papkin, before you get your panties in a bunch, I've got an equivalent NBD posting coming tomorrow. If my eyes have stopped bleeding by then.