NBD - Week 9 Review & Week 10 Preview

It's been a roller-coaster of a week in the Life of Lassard: Returning from Chapel Hill last weekend I headed into the Monday night Skins game in high spirits, only to see them sputter terribly against the Steelers. Tuesday was, of course, the big election, putting me back in a positive state of mind, but I passed out even before the acceptance speech and woke up feeling sick as a dog on Wednesday. On Thursday I returned to work and spent the night playing poker, eating delicious food, and receiving massages from the hired help, which meant a bit of a hangover on Friday, which was exacerbated by a rough day from the kids. Unable to take out my aggressions on the children themselves, I was looking to blow off some steam playing soccer last night, but instead was the recipient of a rifle-shot to the head that exploded my glasses and bloodied and bruised my right eye. A few band-aids, beers, and percocets later, I was off to a blissful eleven hours of sleep. All of which is a long way of saying that it's Saturday afternoon and I still haven't written a review of last week's games, much less a preview of this week's. So without further ado, here's your Week 9 Review:

Stadler & Waldorf 101.60, Woody's Warriors 79.82
So not only did I dominate the Research Triangle in my superhot Lieutenant Dangle costume last weekend, but my fantasy team dominated the NBD. I had wisely predicted a rare victory for my boys, but even I could not have foreseen being Week 9's highest scorer. And I did it without the benefit of any single huge-day performance; instead, S & W featured a balanced attack in all aspects of the game, running (Brandon Jacobs' 18), passing (Matt Ryan's 15), receiving (Andre Johnson's 12) and defense (the Giants' 16). On the surface, it may have looked as though Woody and his Warriors would have stuck with me, considering that he, too, had five players in double figures. But fellow Wahoo Heath Miller helped me out by leaving the game with an injury and without a point, and Fred Taylor played but was almost equally ineffective. My fears of Brian Westbrook also proved to be relatively unfounded, as he had a pedestrian 10-point Sunday.

CH Croakies 82.14, Matt Ryan Loves Dogs 94.58
I heard Kurt Warner's name mentioned the other day in consideration for the MVP award. 9 weeks ago that would have seemed ridiculous to me, and probably did to Koehler, too, who selected him in the 15th round and probably expected him to be a one-week play filling in for Tom Brady. But with Brady out, Warner has certainly been the replacement of the year if not the MVP. He proved that again this week by leading MRLD with 21 points. Another surprise is that he was closely followed by his teammate, running back Tim Hightower (18), who may be developing into a second-half powerhouse a la last year's Ryan Grant now that he's taken the starting job from Edgerrin James. In another league I'm in, I traded Hightower away for Anthony Gonzalez. Good job, me. But back to this game: Elliott got some good games out of Adrian Peterson and Derrick Mason (20 each), but not much else of note. Especially disappointing for both personal and fantasy reasons must have been the 7-point performance by Jason Campbell, who was intercepted for the first time this season.

Chestpubes & Ballfro 93.64, Burke City Giants 66.06
I almost bought a bootleg copy of "Stepbrothers" on the subway last Sunday, but before I could look through the stack the "saleslady" got into a customer service dispute. The crazy, loud guy on the train (each car is assigned one) had purchased Max Payne the week before, but apparently the video had cut off "after he drinks the blue stuff." The bootleg lady explained in her broken English that she was sorry, and that if he brought her the DVD the next time they rode together that she would happily exchange it for another. I never imagined that the crazy train guy could make a cogent argument for the return of his bootleg, or that the Asian bootlegger would respond so receptively to his complaint, but it seemed like they legitimately worked it out. This is why I love New York.
In actual fantasy news, Chestpubes & Ballfro (who get their name from "Stepbrothers," in case the connection there wasn't apparent) rode Chris Johnson to victory yet again this week, and if Warner is a legitimate MVP candidate, Johnson (22) would seem a virtual shoo-in for Rookie of the Year. C&B was also helped by 20 points each from Donald Driver and the Steelers Defense, whose combined efforts almost makes one forget that Colly started Jamarcus Russell (3) this week. The Burke City Giants quarterback, Matt Schaub, actually did even worse, but that might be due to the torn MCL he suffered. With Schaub and Miller injured, can Thomas Jones, Chris Long, and Chris Canty be far behind?

The Dutch Rudders 55.88, Lassard Blows Harris 90.36
Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Last season's regular champ, Derek Haller, was ranked third in my Power Rankings a little over a month ago and had started the season 3-0. Now, heading into week 10, they are still sitting on those three wins, having suffered six straight losses. In that stretch, he has had only two games over 68 points, proving that the streak is not simply a matter of bad luck. So what's gone wrong for the former-Leadfarmers? Well, Marion Barber (4)has been boom-or-bust, with a couple big games but no consistency. Plaxico Burress' (3) antics have apparently not only rubbed Coach Tom Coughlin the wrong way, but he seems to have been taken out of the game plan to some extent and ignored by Eli Manning (13), who has been solid but unspectacular himself. Whatever the cause, they stood little chance against Papkin's squad this week. Donovan McNabb led the way with 22 points, and was ably supported by Ronnie Brown (15) and Anquan Boldin (15), who's been going gangbusters since returning from that vicious headshot that kept him out for a month. He is an inspiration to other sufferers of head trauma, such as myself and Gary Busey.

$5 Foot Long 66.98, Wyld Stallyns 71.76
While Derek has been sliding towards the bottom of the standings, DeYoung has been climbing to the top, winning his fourth game in a row this week in an important match-up with league-leading $5 Foot Long, nee Hamster Now Guinea Pig. Despite the fact that star running back Steven Jackson (2) toyed with Deezer's emotions this week by declaring himself fit to play when he clearly wasn't, the Stallyns eked out an unpretty victory. While none of the Stallyns went off this week, 15 each from Aaron Rodgers and Braylon Edwards and 13 from Eddie Royal complemented a strong special teams day, with a combined 22 points from Matt Bryant and the Minnesota D. Haller, meanwhile, was hindered by sub-par performances from his usual stalwarts, Brandon Marshall (3), Joe Addai (4), and Clinton Portis, who was in double figures but had one of his weakest fantasy performances of the season.

Mephistopheles 68.08, Tri Steeg Area 88.28
Having scored 850 points this year, Kevin Manning's Tri Steegers are second in the league in scoring, but due to consistent bad luck they are only a game above .500. Normally, when Kex scores 88 points, it's a good day but his opponent invariably scores like 96 points. This week, though, he was taking on the hapless Mephistopheles, so 88 was more than enough to secure a W. Topping the Tri Steeg box score was Peyton Manning, who continued his 2008 resurgence with 20 points. Also making healthy contributions were Bernard Berrian (16), who's been on an impressive run lately as Gus Frerotte's preferred target, and Owen Daniels (13). The Chief's team continues to be hobbled by their lack of running back talent, and this week the roulette wheel by which he determines starters landed on Kevin Faulk and Ricky Williams. They produced nearly 13 points. Of the five backs that Ray drafted, only one (Warrick Dunn) remains on his roster, while Larry Johnson, Laurence Maroney, Rashard Mendenhall, and Deuce McAllister have all been injured, arrested, or ill-advisedly dropped. At least he's not starting Cedric Benson anymore, though. Oh wait, Benson went for 17 last week. Whoops!

And now having looked at all the Week 9 games, let's head straight into the slate for Week 10!

Stadler & Waldorf (3-6) vs. Mephistopheles (3-6)
Is it possible that with consecutive games against fellow bottom-dwellers Woody's Warriors and Mephistopheles my batch of lovable losers could gain their first back-to-back wins of the season? Ray J and I have already faced off once this week, and his Steelers dominated my Redskins, so I'm not holding out much hope for this match-up either. Some of my biggest scorers (Matt Forte and Andre Johnson) are taking on some difficult defenses, and my flex this week is Ray Rice, who is in the enigmatic Baltimore backfield. I'd be psyched for two in a row, but at this point have learned not to get my hopes up.
Mephisto by 3

CH Croakies (4-5) vs. Woody's Warriors (3-6)
It makes sense to note here that for the rest of the season, I'll have a bit of an advantage in my picks due to the fact that there'll be Thursday night games, and I've only gotten maybe one set of predictions out before Friday so far this year. So I know already that Jamal Lewis has 14 for E, but that's safely within the range of what you'd expect from him, so it shouldn't color my prediction too much. Brian Westbrook is still pretty much the only player that scares me on Woody's roster, and he's taking on the stout defense of the Giants, so I don't feel like I'm cheating at all by taking
Croakies by 8

Chestpubes & Ballfro (5-4) vs. Matt Ryan Loves Dogs (6-3)
Again, I've already got some inside info on this match-up knowing that Brady Quinn had a solid fantasy debut with 18 points and Tony Scheffler chipped in with 9. I see the high scoring continuing in this match-up for both teams, with several dynamic players going against weak defenses (Roddy White vs. NO, Tomlinson vs. KC, Tim Hightower vs. SF, Frank Gore vs. AZ). Despite Colly's early lead, I give MRLD the nod in what should be a an exciting game that will likely not be settled 'til Monday night.
MRLD by 6

The Dutch Rudders (3-6) vs. Burke City Giants (5-4)
Having written in this very post about all the reasons for Derek Haller's lack of success, it would be difficult to justify picking him to win here. Further adding to my doubts about Dutch success this week is the fact that Michael Turner is taking on New Orleans, who has just the kind of porous defense he's exploited all season long.
Giants by 9

$5 Foot Long (7-2) vs. Lassard Blows Harris (4-5)
OK. I've got a pretty unfair advantage in picking this one. Haller has already locked in almost 60 points, which in some weeks is enough by itself to beat Lassard Blows Harris. Still on the docket are Steve Smith going against a lame Raiders team and Donnie Avery against the Jets in a game that will probably be a shootout. Meanwhile Papkin's leader, Donovan McNabb, is taking on the Giants. I should probably recuse myself from picking here, but I like free stats-padding as much as the next guy.
Foot Long by 12

Wyld Stallyns (6-3) vs. Tri Steeg Area (5-4)
Here again we know that Eddie Royal has already notched a bodacious 22 points for the Stallyns, which is well more than I would have expected from him. But you know what? I don't think it matters. Deezer doesn't have much to replace Steven Jackson with, and Braylon Edwards' poor performance on Thursday night pretty much negates Royal's. Plus, 5 straight wins is simply too much to give DeYoung.
Tri Steeg by 7

Last week: 3-3
Overall: 35-19

After that ball hit me in the face last night I looked kinda like this:

My vision was pretty blurry too, and I think I may have been concussed, but I'm pretty sure the woman who helped bandage me up looked like this:

Not a bad trade-off, right?

BIFL - Week 9 Review

Last night, the citizens of the United States of America witnessed and participated in an historic moment in their history as a nation. It was an event 232 years in the making, since our country's leaders first came together and declared us one people, united together in the dream of affording every citizen life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And today, that dream is one giant step closer to being a reality for all. At 10:47pm, on CNN, Americans paused as Anderson Cooper made the announcement from his New York studio: he was about to interview Black-Eyed Peas frontman and mega-producer Will.i.am in Chicago via Hologram. That's right, bitches. Holograms! We finally did it!

When Will, clad in his traditional steampunk cap and purple hoodie suit ensemble, appeared in the studio as if by magic, and spoke of the text message he had received from his mom, I knew that all across America other young African Americans were also receiving text messages from their mothers and fathers and grandparents. SMS networks across the country and indeed around the world were ablaze with the texts of a revolution: a man had been interviewed via hologram, and it was a black man. To his credit, Will appeared in the hologram not as the first black American to be interviewed holographically, but as the first American to be interviewed holographically who also happened to be black.
In light of this historic night, I think that we can safely say that America has entered a post-racial society of once-imaginary technological advancement. In the next few years, I see Hispanic Americans riding hoverboards; I see Muslim Americans driving flying cars; I see the children of immigrants and the children of Mayflower families playing in the clouds together with their jetpacks. And one day, when Americans of all races are beaming up for the summer to their rental units on Mars, we may even see it: a black President.
Yes we can.

Before we move on into the bright future of peace and harmony augured by Will.i.am's achievement, it's always a good idea to look back at what came before. With that in mind, here's Week 9 in BIFL:

Santonio's Blunts 84, Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts 49.5
Woof. A couple of weeks ago I traded Dwayne Bowe and Steven Jackson to Justin for Anquan Boldin, Isaac Bruce and Sammy Morris. I haven't used Bruce yet and Morris has been injured, but Boldin has been great. After one week of getting the upper hand of a trade, you feel like a winner, but after two weeks, you wonder if you should be feeling a little guilty. Steven Jackson, apparently eager to get into the good graces of his new owner, said that he was ready to play this week but clearly wasn't, mustering up a measly 1 point. Bowe was better, posting a respectable 8 points, but he was acquired to be a lesser complement to Plaxico Burress and Brandon Marshall, who combined had only 5 points. All of this is a roundabout way of saying that Justin's team ate some serious dick in Week 9. His opponent, the Blunts, were hardly extraordinary, but Donovan McNabb (21), Matt Forte (14), and Andre Johnson (12) were the Pennsylvania, Ohio, and Florida of this game: big swing states with many fantasy electoral points that put the contest out of reach.

FUBAR 81.5, Iron Chef of Pounding Poon 81.5
Is there anything less satisfying than a tie? As much joy as it brings me to see the assymetry of two of those X-Y-Z records on the standings board, if the cutoff for making the playoffs was 7-6 and I found myself 6-6-1, I would probably shit a break and demand a recount or something. Let's get on setting a tiebreak system before that happens. Traditionally, bench points are used in fantasy as a tiebreaker, and that would lead Spencer (10 bench points) to take this one over Dick (8 bench points). I actually think it makes more sense, however, to look at the benches and the starting lineups and determine each team's optimal score. All of Spence's bench points came from Kolby Smith, who managed 10 points before suffering a knee injury that will apparently end his season. Put him in the line-up for Joseph Addai (4) and FUBAR has this game clearly won. Dick, on the other hand, had three bench scorers: Nick Folk (2), Hank Baskett (2), and Patrick Crayton (4). Put any of these guys in the line-up and the team's total stays the same or goes down. Ergo, Dick did the better job of managing his team this week, and thus deserves the win! Congrats, Dick! In my heart and on this blog (if nowhere else), you've got a victory.

Oh, as for real scoring in this one: CJ3(15), Bulger (14), D. Ward (14), Rashied Davis (12) for Spence. Driver (21) and E. Manning (11) for Dick. Jesus, is that all in double figures for Dick? Maybe he should lose after all.

Cholish Chachfaces 75, Egon Spengler 80
Had Mark and I tied (which looked conceivable basically until the end of Monday night's Steelers-Redskins debacle), and had we used my new ingenious tiebreaker system to determine the outcome, Chalski would have lost big time. He left a lot of points on the bench. Of course, no one could fault the Cholach for starting Marshawn Lynch (8) over Ray Rice (19), or Marion Barber (5) over Tim Hightower (18), but those decisions cost Chalski 24 points that he really could have used in this important BIFL East match-up. My own running backs, on the other hand, were the engine that drove Spengler success this week. Michael Turner (15) proved once again that he will top 100 yards as long as the defense he's playing is absolutely dickless, and Chris Johnson (21) put up another week that quietly has me shifting my early-season Burner man-love to his backfield mate (get it? man-love? backfield mate? oh my god, I'm funny) Usually rookie running backs tend to wear down as their first pro season wears on, and the small, light Johnson seems a very likely candidate for this sort of erosion, but during overtime of a Week 9 game he looked like a tank, rattling off 7- to 10-yard runs seemingly every time he touched the ball. Anyways, as was previously mentioned, Anquan Boldin (14) also had a hand in the Egon Spengler win.

Manatee Eaters 103.5, Sky Vault Centurions 96
Jesus, does anyone realize that Bernard Berrian (20) is averaging 19 fantasy points over his last four games? I would love to give Chuck a hard time and suggest that he's the recipient of some lucky success after making a homer pick, but I actually rode a similar wave of Berrian production two seasons ago into the playoffs, so I can't criticize. I can warn him, however, that a guy who gets all his points on big plays (this week: 2 catches for 104 yards and 1 touchdown) is always a threat to post an 0-fer type game, and since Chuck's likely entry into the playoffs this season will be a rare treat for him, he should know that he'll want some consistency in that part of the season. The MEaters will hope that that consistency will come in the form of Peyton Manning (20), Ronnie Brown (14) or Steve Slaton (11). The Centurions' most consistent player - and maybe the league's - has been Clinton Portis, but this week's dismal contest against the Steelers brought his weakest showing since the opener (13 points). Brandon Jacobs (19) tried to pick him up, and Jay Cutler (16) looked to be back on the horse after a lousy game against the Patriots and the bye, but their efforts weren't enough to put them past Chuck's crew.

Jeff Stryker is not really gay 106, Pet Monkey 76
Nothing makes me angrier than Shoaf having a successful fantasy team, except when he has a successful fantasy team because of Adrian Peterson, who I love to root against. So it's safe to say that following his fourth consecutive win, and with Peterson (21) posting his second-highest point total of the season, I'm full of bitterness, hatred, and vitriol. I suppose that's nothing new, though. Stryker was the league's high scorer this week, but he hardly needed to be against a lame effort by a Pet Monkey squad still recovering from last week's Hollywood rhinoplasty. Billy may now boast a cute button nose, but that's about all he'll be boasting about. Aaron Rodgers (15) and Willie Parker (13) were the only Monkey starters in double figures, and while Billy lamented his last-minute substitution of Parker-for-Norwood on the smackboard, reversing that decision would only have netted him 1 more point, which still leaves him 29 short of Will's squad.

(NB: I'm aware of the fact that Billy's "lame" point total was actually only a few lower than my own Week 9 total. But they're totally different situations. You can't even compare them. Think about it.)

Alligator Fuckhouse 104.5, Chip Lohmiller 108
This hot Dutch-on-Dutch match-up was the shootout of the week, with the dust remaining unsettled until Monday night, when Shaun Suisham's two field goals - the only scoring the Redskins did - pushed Dekker finally into winning position. Soutendijk's strong performance came from some unexpected sources, which is kind of redundant since anyone on Souts' team having a "strong performance" is, by definition, "unexpected." Anyways, Chad Johnson (15) still didn't gain much in the way of yardage, but he did catch two touchdowns in the Bengals' first win of the season. Antonio Bryant (19) and Owen Daniels (15) also chipped in, and even one of the Fuckhousers' IDPs, Darelle Revis (10) got in on the scoring action. It was all for naught, though, as Lohmiller rode a pair of old-timers (Jeff Garcia, 19, and Derrick Mason, 21) and a rookie (Eddie Royal, 12) to eventual victory.

Good to be back at full strenth. More to come on Friday or Saturday with Week 10 projections and the usual pictures of naked ladies and weird nature.

NBD - Week 9 Preview

Checking in from Chapel Hill this weekend where DeYoung, Trost and I are visiting Elliott for Halloween. We were Lieutenant Dangle, Thor, 80's Rocker, and Point Break bank robber. Trost drank so much vodka that he took a nap on the lawn next to the bar we were at, which is when he lost his phone and camera. I spent the end of the night consoling him on a random street corner of Chapel Hill and trying to warm my bareass legs. We are nearly 30 years old. When does this end?

Let's not think about it and just look at the week 9 match-ups.

Stadler & Waldorf (2-6) vs. Woody's Warriors (3-5)
I haven't had many chances to win this year, and probably won't for the remainder of the season, but this seems like it might be one of them. The one thing that scares me is Brian Westbrook, but I'm not gonna let that deter me from picking myself.
S&W by 5

CH Croakies (4-4) vs. Matt Ryan Loves Dogs (5-3)
The Croakies' A-Pete seems like he's probably due for a big day, and the likely success of Koehler's Kurt Warner will probably be mitigated by having Larry Fitzgerald playing for Elliott.
Croakies by 4

Chestpubes & Ballfro (4-4) vs. Burke City Giants (5-3)
Colly has a man-crush on Kevin Curtis, pretty much entirely due to having a fun way of pronouncing his name, but he'll have to play against him this week which may cause some agita. It may be that sort of internal turmoil that has led him to start JaMarcus Russell at quarterback, and will also lead him to defeat this week.
Burke City Fantasy Football Giants by 6

The Leadfarmers (3-5) vs. Lassard Blows Harris (3-5)
OK I'm tired of doing this I just want to hang out in Chapel Hill and stop writing so...
LBH by 8

Hamster Now Guinea Pig (7-1) vs. Wyld Stallyns (5-3)
Lotta red Q's on the Stallyns squad this week.
Guinea Pig by 10

Mephistopheles (3-5) vs. Tri Steeg Area (4-4)
From Cedric Benson & Warrick Dunn to Kevin Faulk & Ricky Williams. Yikes.
Tri Steeg by 13

Last week: 5-1
Overall: 32-16

BIFL - Week 9 Preview

Already Week 9? Damn this shit goes quick. Playoffs are a month away; let's see who's gonna make em:

Santonio's Blunts (2-6) vs. Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts (2-6)
This is a game of almost no consequence, except for assessing which of these franchises has fallen further from grace since their fantasy glory days. Actually, I'm not sure that Justin ever had any glory days, but he was the commissioner for a while. I've never known Doit to go into the weekend, or even, say, Wednesday, without setting his lineup, but as of this posting (Saturday, 12:15pm) he's still got two bye weekers and one empty slot starting. For that alone,
Juse by 8

FUBAR (6-2) vs. Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (5-3)
We're nearing the end of bye week season, but it's not over yet and these two teams are decimated by it this week with FUBAR missing Brees and Gore and Poon missing LDT and Steve Smith. As a result, this game will suck, but there has to be a winner.
Poon-Pounders by 4

Cholish Chachfaces (4-4) vs. Egon Spengler (4-4)
This should be a good match-up, with two .500 teams battling for a hopeful playoff spot in the East. Chalski will miss Philip Rivers, whose Chargers have a bye, but the Texans can't play defense so Gus Frerotte might not be as big a downgrade as he seems. Still, Michael Turner goes off on bad teams, and the Raiders are nothing if not bad.
Spengler by 9

Manatee Eaters (6-2) vs. Sky Vault Centurions (5-3)
For weeks I've been telling you that Andre's team is good and Chuck's team is not good. You think I'm gonna change my tune this week?
Sky Vault by 7

Jeff Stryker is not really gay (4-4) vs. Pet Monkey (4-4)
Read the first sentence of my Chachfaces-Spengler preview, and substitute the word "West" for "East." I noticed that Shoaf is starting Michael Bennett, and I wasn't even aware that he was still in the league, so I opened up his "News" brief to see if there was something Will knew that I didn't: "The Buccaneers may activate Bennett for Sunday's game at Kansas City, the St. Petersburg Times reports." That sounds positive.
Monkey by 13

Alligator Fuckhouse (3-5) vs. Chip Lohmiller (3-5)
I can think of almost nothing to say about these two lousy, lousy teams. Brian Westbrook will probably go nuts again this week, and I think Terrell Owens is ready to come back and have a decent performance, even against a solid Giants D.
Lohmiller by 10

Last week: 4-2
Overall: 33-15

NBD - Week 8 Review

If anyone else is watching the Wizards opening game against the Nets right now, we may be seeing some historically bad professional basketball here, especially with the full second unit for each team on the court in the 2nd quarter. Kudos to Nick Young and Andray Blatche, though, for bringing back early-90's black hairstyles. Anyways, back to your regularly scheduled truncated fantasy football notes:

Stadler & Waldorf 77.58, Matt Ryan Loves Dogs 104.34
If I win all my games from here on out I'll finish 7-6 and probably won't make the playoffs. I declared my solidarity with MRLD a few weeks ago, so I was happy to spot them a victory here. Also helping were Kurt Warner (22) and Frank Gore (16).

CH Croakies 89.02, Burke City Giants 89.30
Squeeeeeak! This must have been a nerve-wracking Monday night for the Toobins. Michael went into the game with a nearly 20-point lead and Reggie Wayne to play, but Peyton Manning seemed to only have eyes for Elliott's Dallas Clark, and as the game progressed the Croakies inched closer and closer. Alas, a 14-yard pass in the fourth quarter brought Wayne up to the princely sum of 2.9 points, which was enough by less than 3/10ths of a point to stay ahead of Clark's massive night (21).

Chestpubes & Ballfro 83.28, Lassard Blows Harris 82.22
Another tight one. In case anyone hasn't noticed, Roddy White has been blowing up lately and this Sunday was no exception (23). He was matched by LDT and supported well by Chris Johnson (16) who is looking like a great candidate to replace Tomlinson as the top RB for the defending champs next season. That was about it for C&B, who had some seriously lame performances at many of the other positions, but that was just enough to sneak by the Harris-Blowers despite a strong return by Anquan Boldin (21). Good to see that he can play despite having a crushed head.



[Wizards game break: rookie Javale McGee appears to be over 9 feet tall]

The Leadfarmers 67.66, Wyld Stallyns 73.44
Some interesting facts about this game: I would have beaten both teams. DeYoung's San Diego Defense, drafted in the 7th round (first among D's) scored -2 points. Josh Scobee has an interest in amateur animal husbandry. 69% of the Stallyns scoring came from two players (Philip Rivers and Santana Moss). One of these facts was made up. If you know which one it was, send a self-addressed stamped envelope to Commandant Lassard c/o Sovicorps Industries, 163 Huntington St. Apt. 2, Brooklyn NY 11231, identify the false fact and you will receive a prize.

Hamster Now Guinea Pig 104.38, Tri Steeg Area 69.92
Since the beginning of the season, I have had waiver wire priority while Haller's nearly undefeated team has been at the bottom of the totem pole. And yet, while I've managed to snag such fantasy luminaries as David Patten, Brandon Jackson, and Greg Camarillo, Haller ended up with Donnie Avery, averaging 15 points a game over his last 4 games, including 22 this week. What the fuck, man.

Woody's Warriors 116.34, Mephistopheles 77.46
Last week Woodrow briefly loosened my stranglehold on the bottom of the league table, but the top-scoring performance of Week 8 not only slammed me back into place, it also sent Pops Sovic back down with me and leapfrogged the Warriors over several other teams into 8th place. This victory came largely on the shoulders of the triumphant return of Brian Westbrook (33), but Antonio Gates (16) and Marc Bulger (15) also deserve some credit. Meanwhile, the Satanists - lowest-scoring team in the league - are shockingly finding little success with the backfield tandem of Cedric Benson (7) and Warrick Dunn (1). We have seen only one trade in all of the NBD this year. Surely one of you front-runners should make a move for Drew Brees in exchange for some keepable talent, no?

BIFL - Week 8 Review

Another brief entry this week; back to full strength soon I promise. Actually I'm watching coverage of NBA Opening Night right now and I'm pretty psyched. By next week this could conceivably be a fantasy basketball blog. Cross your fingers Clujers.

Juse and the Arrrrrghonauts 87.5, FUBAR 90
This was a classic Monday night match-up, or would have been with Juse's Marvin Harrison taking on all of Spencer's IDPs. But the IDPs were strong, and Marvin Harrison was weak. Juse's RBs proved that he was smart to trade for S-Jax, even if he was out this week.

Iron Chef of Pounding Poon 107, Cholish Chachfaces 77
Dick made the questionable move of starting both Hank Baskett (0) and Kevin Curtis (4) over Laveranues Coles (12), but it didn't matter at all because the rest of his squad - Steve Smith (27), LDT (24), D'Angelo Williams (19) - rocked it. You know who sucked in this game? The kickers. 2 points each, guys? That's pussy shit.

Egon Spengler 95, Manatee Eaters 51.5
Two years ago, headed into Week 8, I traded a player from my position of strength (Javon Walker at wideout) to acquire a player at my position of weakness (Mike Vick at QB). Vick went on to score 28 points that week, leading the HotCocks to victory, and I went on to win the championship. This year, headed into Week 8, I traded from my position of strength (Steven Jackson at RB) to acquire a player at my position of weakness (Anquan Boldin at WR). Boldin led my team to victory this week with 21 points. Just sayin'.

Oh also, Chuck's team is not good.

Sky Vault Centurions 104.5, Chip Lohmiller 93.5
After the Sunday games - and let me just say real quick that it is some BULL SHIT that the Sunday night game was cancelled in deference to the world series - Dekker had a 4-point lead, thanks in no small part to the efforts of Shaun ("Su-eeeey") Suisham (16). Appropriate that a team named after a former Redskins' kicker would be led by the current one. To make up those 4 points, all Dre had was his own kicker, Rob Bironas. And then Rob Bironas did what ROB BIRONAS DO. He scored 13 points and won the game. These are the most kicker-centric Notes ever.

Pet Monkey 123, Santonio's Blunts 67.5
It's kind of depressing talking to Bardey about how bad his BIFL franchise is. And I do that pretty much every day over AIM. I guess what I'm saying is: fuck you, Billy; you really fucked over my lunch period today.

I should note, however, that Bardey and I were both cheered by what a badass Pet Monkey's Santana Moss (30) was this weekend.

Jeff Stryker is not really gay 112, Alligator Fuckhouse 66.5
God, I hate Dallas Clark (21). I could get down with naming my kid BenJarvus, though. I dig the whole Ben- as a prefix thing. Like Ben-Gurion. That's something, right? An Israeli prime minister? An Israeli airport? An Israeli airport named after an Israeli prime minister? Souts, help me out here.

Later, dudes.

NBD - Week 8 Preview

Stadler & Waldorf (2-5) vs. Matt Ryan Loves Dogs (4-3)
Man, I've got a lot of dudes on bye this week.
Matt Ryan by 12

CH Croakies (4-3) vs. Burke City Giants (4-3)
Last week the Hallers clashed, this week it's the Toobins. Once again, the elder will prevail.
Giants by 6

Chestpubes & Ballfro (3-4) vs. Lassard Blows Harris (3-4)
Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower and decides to come on to me. I'm looking good, got a luscious v of hair going through my chest pubes down to my ball fro. She takes one look at me and goes " Oh my god, I've had the old bull now I want the young calf" and grabs me by the weiner.
Ballfro by 8

The Leadfarmers (3-4) vs. Wyld Stallyns (4-3)
Intriguing match-ups here. Eli Manning and Philip Rivers were traded for each other on draft day. Marion Barber and Julius Jones used to share a backfield. Randy Moss and Santana Moss have the same last name. Donald Lee (in the lineup as of 11:13am) is on a bye, Jason Witten is not.
Stallyns by 6

Hamster Now Guinea Pig (6-1) vs. Tri Steeg Area (4-3)
Chris Mortensen just referred to staph infections, like the one currently invading Tom Brady's knee like an unstoppable rebel force, as a "problem in society." Chris Berman heartily agrees it's a societal issue. Am I fucking crazy? Because that sounds retarded to me.
Tri Steeg by 4

Woody's Warriors (2-5) vs. Mephistopheles (3-4)
Amazingly, Ray-Ray is starting Cedric Benson yet again.
Warriors by 5

Last week: 3-3
Overall: 27-15