BIFL - Week 5 Review A

It's Monday evening, which probably means we're due for 3-4 hours of Jon Gruden and Ron Jaworski sucking on Brett Favre's balls. Hold on, let me check... Yup, sure enough the Vikings are playing the Jets tonight. Despite the usual Brett overload, I am actually interested to see how the Favre-Moss connection works out, how thrown around he gets by the Jets' Defense, and whether the ESPN crew has the balls to mention the camera-phone cock shots. By the way, if that were my cock, I wouldn't be sending photos. Size-wise, it's nothing embarrassing, but such a flat head! I look for my cockhead to have some nice roundness and depth to it, like a baby bella:

Favre (allegedly) seems to be rocking more of a giant oyster, which is frankly not a good look for your cock:

Oh and in case you have no idea what I'm talking about, check this out: http://deadspin.com/5658206/brett-favres-cellphone-seduction-of-jenn-sterger

As for BIFL, and our cocks, we've got a couple of Menomenas going:

Iron Chef of Pounding Poon vs. Your Stepdad

Perhaps the most amazing sub-plot of the Randy Moss trade is that it gives Dekker a second straight monday night in which he's depending on Moss to win his fantasy match-up. Last week, Moss fucked Ben in not one but two leagues, but he must have imagined once he woke up on Tuesday morning that the pain was over. No such luck. This week, Your Stepdad holds an 11.5-point lead with Moss still to go, and he'll be trying to hold that lead against Dick's combination of Favre, Braylon Edwards, and Ryan Longwell. ESPN projects the Iron Chef to come away with the victory, but I think the fantasy gods might have a say in a game between a guy who got fucked so royally last week and a guy who didn't even set his line-up last week.

Juse and the Argonauts vs. Cow Fister
This one is pretty well out of reach, with Justin boasting a 30-point lead over the heretofore undefeated Cow Fisters. But if there was one guy I'd pick to help me overcome a 30-point deficit, it'd be Chris Johnson. And if there was a second guy I'd pick to help me overcome a 30-point deficit, it'd be Adrian Peterson, who is actually on Shoaf's team. He'll be working with Santonio Holmes to help eclipse that sizeable margin, but if the Argos' Percy Harvin has any kind of night, it'll surely spell the end of Shoaf's perfect season.

Of course, not every match-up can be a Menomena. Some of our contests are already over, and here are a few of them:

NBD - Week 5 Review A

It's Columbus Day, which once again means that I got to celebrate the Discovery of America by not having to teach children today, and for that I tip my hat to ol' Cristobal Colon. It also means I've got time to get a head start on the blog this week, with an exciting Monday Night game on the schedule and a few games hanging in the balance. Here are some Menomenas to keep your eyes on tonight:

McClusterfuck vs. Worthless
I'm currently trailing Papkin by a mere two points, and each of us has one player to go tonight. He has a definite advantage, as my player (Santonio Holmes) is dependent on his player (Mark Sanchez) to have a good night. But with a few lucky breaks, like significant yardage/td's to Holmes - which are worth more to him than Sanchez - and a few picks/fumbles by the Manchise, McClusterfuck could pull out yet another undeserved win.

Sir Lucious Left Fut vs. Burke City Giants
The Battle of the Toobins comes right down to Monday night and depends on the night's prominent storyline: Randy Moss's debut with the Vikings. Elliott holds a six-point advantage at the moment, but that could disappear quickly with a single downfield strike from the Favre-Moss combo.

Laters on the Menjay vs. Sex with a Pharaoh
No, these two teams aren't playing each other, but with Adrian Peterson and Braylon Edwards going tonight, Colly has an outside chance at surpassing Derek for Classic Soul Jam High Scorer of the Week honors. They'll have a long way to go, as SwaP is currently 25 points down and Menjay still has LDT to go, but you never know when AP's going to explode and you never know when Tomlinson's going to remember how old he is.

By the way, wanted to mention that this week's Classic Soul Jam is arguably my favorite song of all time, not so much in any singular incarnation (though this Sam Cooke one is certainly incredible, as is the live one from the Harlem Square Club), but in that almost any version I hear of it brings me the same joy. It is infinitely coverable. There are solid versions by rockers, bluesmen, jazzmen, and even in Spanish. A couple of years ago my buddy Jared - whose awesome sustainable farming blog can be found here - had a party where a band called Roosevelt Dime played their version as a closer and I almost creamed my pants.

Anyways, a few teams have already brought it on home this week, so let's get a few re-caps out of the way:

BIFL - Week 4 Review B

A couple weeks back, I played a little game with Doit, Souts, Jesse and E-Bardey at the sports bar, where we attempted to choose the current and throwback jersey we'd wear for each NFL team, if we had to. We didn't make it all the way through, as the Redskins-Texans game that was ongoing at the time became kind of intense, but I think we were only a division or two shy of the full 32. Anyways, I figured I'd mention it here and throw it open to you guys in the Comments. Any inspired choices out there?
OK. On to the rest of the games...

NBD - Week 4 Review B

I just walked clear across the isle of Manhattan to get home from work, and it's an absolutely beautiful day in the city of New York. I hope Uncle Autumn is treating all your various locales as kindly. Let's finish up the Week 4 games:

BIFL - Week 4 Review A

"I make a living in the movies, but for the past 20 years, I've also been a cop. And along with some of the finest officers on the force, I serve the people of Jefferson Parish, Louisiana. My name is Steven Seagal. That's right, Steven Seagal, Deputy Sherriff."

If you're not watching this show on A&E, I honestly don't know what you could be doing with your time that makes life worth living. The same man who broke a thousand arms backward in a hundred movies that featured the "BN" tag for brief nudity in their HBO intros is now the star of his own reality show, detailing his exploits as a Louisiana cop. We also get to see him practice his samurai swordsmanship, front a blues band, and totally change his diction and accent when dealing with black perps/complainants (note: this would be even funnier if it weren't tinged with the awareness that I also speak totally differently to black people - mostly cab drivers - when I'm drunk, referring to them repeatedly as "brother").

Anyways, if you get a chance, check out 'Steven Seagal: Lawman;' it's the perfect accompaniment to some fantasy football game re-caps.

NBD - Week 4 Review A

I'm watching "Inside the NFL" on Showtime right now and they've got Jaguars receiver Kassim Osgood mic'd up. He seems like a really fun-loving guy, making jokes and cracks on the sidelines, calling Josh Scobee (who hit an awesome game-winning 59-yard field goal) "Scobee Bryant." Lots of fun. Somehow, though, the mics never caught him talking about this little incident, as reported in Sports Illustrated this week:
Escaped With minimal injuries after being pistol-whipped, Jaguars receiver Kassim Osgood. According to Jacksonville police, Osgood, 30, was watching TV at the home of 19-year-old Jaguars cheerleader Mackenzie Putnal on Sept. 27 when the girl's ex-boyfriend, Julian Bartletto, entered the room with a plastic bag over his head and struck Osgood and Putnal, as well as her dog, before Osgood jumped out a second-floor window. Putnal escaped by jumping downstairs, over a balcony, and used a laser-sighted pistol to trade shots with the intruder, who eventually fled. Bartletto was later arrested and was being held without bail while facing charges of aggravated battery, false imprisonment, armed robbery and burglary.
There is just way too much to be amazed by in this story. First of all: "19-year-old Jaguars cheerleader." 19! Kassim Osgood is a few months older than me, which is to say 30, which makes this more than a little creepy. I Googled Ms. Putnal and the first thing that came up was her alma mater, Sandalwood High School, from which she graduated in 2009. Wow. Then again, Osgood and Putnal were just "watching TV," so I'm sure there was nothing untoward happening.
Next: "the girl's ex-boyfriend, Julian Bartletto, entered the room with a plastic bag over his head..." Plastic bag? Is he into auto-erotic asphyxiation?
And then: "Osgood jumped out a second-floor window." Kind of sounds like Osgood pulled a Costanza and shoved the teenager and the dog aside to save himself, no?

By the way, I'm pretty sure Eric the Clown in that episode is played by Jon Favreau.
Finally: "Putnal escaped by jumping downstairs, over a balcony, and used a laser-sighted pistol to trade shots with the intruder..." Holy fuck are you kidding me? My dad was a cop for like 100 years and I'm pretty sure he doesn't have any stories as good as trading gunfire with a 19-year-old cheerleader who's using a laser-sighted pistol. This is incredible. If I wasn't so heavily invested in Dexter McCluster breaking out this year to justify the McClusterfuck franchise, I would 100% pick up Osgood and name my team the Laser-Sighted Jailbaits. I don't see how any of our fantasy match-ups can live up to the excitement of this story, but until ESPN does a dramatic re-enactment as part of their "60 for 60" celebration in 2040, we'll have to make do.
(After the jump)

BIFL - Week 3 Review

Here's the good news: after over a year of un-, under-, and semi-employment, a forced exile from my beloved Brooklyn, and a stretch of living with my parents at age 30, I am finally back in New York and back at work. Though working for the US Census, taking care of my nephews, and expediting at Danny Lee's restaurant in DC were all fun, teaching obnoxious urban kids is what I'm meant to do and now I'm back at it.
Here's the bad news: you don't really give a shit about any of that; you just want your weekly fantasy game re-capped in a witty, clever, overly verbose fashion. And due to the circumstances listed above in "the good news," my life has been super-crazy lately and I haven't been able to devote any time to Lassard. Well, it's sucked for both of us, but I feel like I'm ready to dive back in. Let's get started: