NBD - Week 6 Preview

Your Week 6 bye teams are: Buffalo, Kansas City, Tennessee, and Pittsburgh, which means you'll be missing maybe one respectable fantasy quarterback and maybe two quality fantasy receivers. Running backs might be a scramble, however, with Marshawn Lynch, Larry Johnson, Chris Johnson, and LenDale White all sitting. Our games:

Stadler & Waldorf (1-4) vs. Lassard Blows Harris (2-3)
I both look forward to and dread this match-up every year, as nothing would give me more pleasure than to beat Sam. And yet, my team is atrocious, so the odds of it happening are relatively slim. This week, for example, I appear to be starting two Houston Texans receivers. Why? I have no idea. They're playing the Dolphins, who are second-worst in the league at giving up fantasy points to receivers (where does he get these wonderful stats?), so that's a positive, I guess. Still, not a lot of confidence for me playing against the reborn Ronnie Brown, the recovered Justin Fargas, and Donovan McNabb, who'll have nothing to do but pass against the 49ers as Brian Westbrook sits with broken ribs.
LBH by 3

CH Croakies (3-2) vs. Wyld Stallyns (2-3)
The Redskins should beat the living shit out of the Rams this Sunday, but with Jason Campbell on Elliott's team and Santana Moss on DeYoung's, the fantasy results of that may negate each other in this game. Instead, the difference-maker should be E's Adrian Peterson playing a helpless Detroit Lions defense, whereas Jon's Steven Jackson should be relatively bottled up by London Fletcher-Baker et al.
Croakies by 8

Chestpubes & Ballfro (3-2) vs. Hamster Now Guinea Pig (4-1)
Colly's roster has a lot of red on it, with possible sits for Roddy White, Darren McFadden and LaDainian Tomlinson. I'm sure LDT will play against his hated Patriots, but I'm not so sure about the other two, and even in McFadden plays he'll be losing touches to the returning Fargas. Haller, on the other hand, has Cutler-Marshall playing at Mile High against a not-as-stout-as-usual Jax defense and Clinton Portis against the hapless Rams.
Hamster by 9

The Leadfarmers (3-2) vs. Tri Steeg Area (2-3)
I think these guys have some kind of pact to try and piss me off, because as of Saturday afternoon Derek has a starter with a bye week (LenDale White) and Manning has an empty spot in his starting line-up (TE). Educated guessing tells me that Derek will be plugging that whole with the useless Chris Perry, whereas Manning has Owen Daniels and a questionable Kellen Winslow as options at tight end. This game also features the Manning brothers going against each other, and I've heard various football pundits discussing who is the better Manning brother this season. Fantasy-wise, this week, it'll be Eli playing the Browns, not Peyton playing the Ravens. But I still give the edge in this one to the Tri Steeg.
Area by 5

Burke City Giants (4-1) vs. Mephistopheles (2-3)
The second annual DadBowl! I hope these two can get a break from Arts & Crafts time this sunday to head down to the rec room of their nursing home and watch the games. Don't go in there to visit without ear plugs, though. These old deaf fuckers turn the volume up LOUD. What they're likely to see is a pretty ugly game. Michael's RB opponents are all amongst the league's best at shutting down the run game, and Ray's RBs (Warrick Dunn and Cedric Benson) simply have no run game to shut down. If it comes down to WRs, Michael's big boy Reggie Wayne is going up against the solid Ravens' D, whereas Mephisto's Greg Jennings takes on a porous Seahawks secondary.
Luciferians by 7

Matt Ryan Loves Dogs (3-2) vs. Woody's Warriors (1-4)
As I noted in the Week 5 Review, Woody's team gets closer and closer to overtaking mine for worst in the league every week, and with Calvin Johnson now following Brian Westbrook to the trainer's room, this could be the week he completes the takeover. Koehler's team looks better to me at almost every position, and neither MRLD nor the Warriors have any particularly frightening defenses on their opposition list. Should be high-scoring, and a blowout.
SPCA by 12

Last week: 6-0! Thanks to my late switch in support of Chestpubes. Well done, Will Ferrell.
Overall: 20-10

God damn these half-Japanese girls:
And these semi-retarded pigs:

Good luck to all in Week 6, except for Papkin, who I hope gets mauled by said semi-retarded pigs.

BIFL - Week 5 Review

As you will hear about in a bit, my team lost this week, dropping us to 2-3. 2-3! This is a team that still has the cornerstone of their 2006 & 2007 championship teams, Steven Jackson; the top running back in the league, Michael Turner; and two of the top 10-scoring quarterbacks. And now we have the same record as Alligator Fuckhouse, a team that has twice failed to top 50 points, and has only once topped 80. It seems so unfair, and so unlucky.
We are all well aware of the luck aspect of fantasy football. There are always teams that score a ton and yet perpetually seem to just barely lose, while some other schmuck sports a winning record with a team full of shitbirds. This season, for example, the afore-mentioned Fuckhouse squad is pretty miserable, but their opponents have scored a mere 339 points (68 points a week), well below the league average. Justin's opponents, by contrast, have scored 540 points, meaning that the Argonauts have needed 108 points a week just to be competitive. Seems unfair, but it all evens out in the end, right? I decided to do some research to find out.
I went back through our league history, looking at Points Against for every year we have records (2004 to the present). Over the 4+ years of our league so far, the average weekly score is 91.92 points, meaning in any given season we should expect about 1,195 points to be scored against us in the regular season. If Justin continues on his current course, he'll end up with 1,404 points scored against him. That would be bad, but it would not be the unluckiest season ever: that distinction belongs to Spencer. Last season, Spencer had 1,423.5 points scored against him, and that was a pretty huge statistical outlier. Other than that, only two teams have ever even had more than 1,300 scored against them, and those were both back in 2004 (Chalski and Will), our highest scoring season. The luckiest season, on the other hand, belongs to 2007's Dekker team, which had a mere 943 points scored on it. Like with Spence's record-setter, that is truly an exceptional performance: only three other teams in history have had less than 1,100 scored against them (Schank and Rousseau in 2006, Dekker in 2005). In general, the statistics even out far more than that, but there are still winners and losers in terms of luck in BIFL. Without further ado, I give you the unluckiness quotient for each franchise in BIFL history:
Team Average Points Against
Dekker 84.22
Schank/Souts 85. 37
Dick 89.87
Sovic 90.25
Juse 90.68
Chuck 91.70
Bardey 92.86
Dre 93.61
Shoaf 94.87
Jones(!) 95.5
Billy 96.47
Chalski 97.57
Congratulations, Chalski! As you've long suspected, you are the unluckiest owner in the history of BIFL. But at least you're only a little unluckier than your nearest competitors in unluckiness. Dekker and Schank/Souts, on the other hand, seem to be significantly luckier than anybody else in the league. And yet neither has ever won the league, despite this incredible good fortune. And I've won it twice! I guess ultimately, luck is no substitute for talent. Let's take a look at who was lucky and who was talented this week:

Sky Vault Centurions 122, Juse and the Argonauts 64
Juse's unluckiness quotient for this season may have been a little skewed by the beating he took from Andre this week. I can't imagine the explanation for why Andre benched Clinton Portis (23), one of this season's top backs, in favor of Jonathan Stewart, but clearly it didn't matter. Brandon Jacobs (27) scored enough for two RBs. Dre's receivers were no slouches either, with Larry Fitzgerald, Hines Ward, and Roy Williams combining for 41 points. The Argos' had a big day from a receiver as well, getting 16 from Isaac Bruce. Bruce has now averaged almost 13 points over the last four weeks, and is improbably looking like the fantasy factor he was back in the Greatest Show on Turf days. With only Jake Delhomme (17) matching his scoring, however, his return to greatness is being largely wasted on this Argo squad.

Egon Spengler 80, Iron Chef of Pounding Poon 91.5
With all this luck talk going about, perhaps I should count myself lucky that Dick left DeAngelo Williams' 34 points on the bench this week. Then again, I still lost, so who the fuck are you to tell me I should feel lucky, asshole? Anyways (as if you deserve any explanation), I actually thought I had a chance going into Monday night's game. Dick had put up a reasonably decent week thanks to Eli Manning (18), Chris Cooley (18), and Donald Driver (14). I was 15 points down after Sunday night, sure, but I had Robert Meachem and Will Smith going for New Orleans, and considering the Saints' high-flying offense, 60 yards and a touchdown for Meachem and 5-6 tackles from the Fresh Prince didn't seem that much to ask. Well, early on Meachem dropped a pass that could've gone for a touchdown, and from then on Drew Brees gave him the cold shoulder, effectively ending my chances for the week.

Manatee Eaters 131.5, Pet Monkey 70.5
Agh! Chuck's team had a frighteningly good week, outscoring Hollywood Meyers by more than 60 points. The lowest offensive scorer (and the only one not in double-figures) for the Eaters was DeSean Jackson (7), which is to be expected considering he was going up against the unstoppable juggernaut that is the Redskins. How about those Redskins, by the way? Do you think Chuck and Billy would be upset if, instead of talking about their game or their teams, I just spent the entire write-up talking about the Redskins? I can't really recall either of them ever commenting on the blog here, so either they don't read it, or they're just a couple of lazy fucks who read without truly appreciating it. Either way, fuck em. The Redskins have been the shit so far this season (well, except for that first game). Our left coast offense is efficient and consistent (Zorn!). Our defense is tough and spirited. Our media-friendly players, Clinton Portis and Chris Cooley and, increasingly, Jason Campbell, are the best in the league at being outlandish without being annoying (take notes, Chad Ocho Cinco). Fuck me I love Eastern Motors. Hip hip hooray.

Alligator Fuckhouse 48, Cholish Chachfaces 63
Ugh. Maybe I should have saved my Redskins rant for this write-up, because there sure isn't a lot to say about the scoring in this game, besides the fact that there was none. Soutendijk is on his way to a historically bad season. This week he had only two players, a linebacker (Patrick Willis, 11) and a kicker (Ryan Longwell, 14) in double digits. Beyond that, no one got even higher than 5 points. Granted, his top running backs had the week off, but it's not like you're going to expect a huge output from Jamal Lewis and Thomas Jones. Meanwhile, Marcus did nothing to justify his #1 ranking in last week's power rankings, but he did get one lucky week to counteract his history of unluckiness. A perfectly average performance by Reggie Wayne (15) and a sub-par outing by Philip Rivers (10) were enough to put him on top of this ugly contest.

Jeff Stryker is not really gay 92, FUBAR 102.5
After Sunday, this game looked like a classic Monday Night Match-Up. Will was up by 4.5 points with one of fantasy's most dynamic runners, Adrian Peterson, going up against Spencer's Drew Brees, the second-leading scorer in all of fantasy this year. And did I mention that the Saints can't stop the run and the Vikings can't stop the pass? By midnight on Monday the score of this game should have been a million to a million and one. But something happened to Adrian Peterson (my guess? he realized he's a huge pussy) and Drew Brees had an only moderately outstanding day (17), meaning a pedestrian scoreline and a victory for Spencer. I have a bet going with Will that AP will not get 6 weeks with 15 points or more scoring. Already he's got three, and in the next two weeks he faces Detroit (who is absolutely atrocious) and Chicago (which has a good defense that AP regularly destroys), so he'll probably be up to 5 by week 7. Not good, right? But then Minny has their bye week, and I feel confident that, given two weeks to himself, Peterson will find a way to injure himself for the rest of the season. Maybe he'll slip in the shower and knock his head against the side, falling into a coma. Maybe he'll slip on the wet deck of a Minnesota party boat and drown in Lake Spinnapataunka, or whatever the fuck they call their lakes up there. Maybe he'll just sleep wrong and have a sore back the next day. I don't know. But I believe in Purple Jesus' ability to crumple and wither before the season is through. Don't let me down, Adrian.

Skinny White Guys 93, Chip Lohmiller 86.5
Statistically speaking, Dekker should have won this week. His 86.5 is a good two-and-a-half points better than his average historical score-against, so he must have been shocked to find that a completely mediocre performance is not enough to win some fantasy games. I've almost getting sick of saying that Lohmiller's squad is NFC East-based, but sure enough those were his top scorers again this week. Tony Romo (17), Terrell Owens (14), and Brian Westbrook (14) again had outstanding weeks despite the fact that the Cowboys barely beat the lowly Bengals and the Eagles got humiliated by the Redskins. Comparing those scores to Bardey's, I can't actually figure out how the White Guys won (I'm not about to start doing math), but win they did. Andre Johnson (21) showed up for the first time this season, and Matt Forte (17) continued to be this year's most effective rookie, but other than that there was nothing outstanding for the White Guys. They won, though. Trust me.

Thus concludes Week 5 of BIFL. 5 straight weeks where Ive gotten the Reviews and (hopefully) the Previews in. We'll see how long this lasts. I'm starting to feel exhaustion set in. See you on Saturday for Week 6 predictions?

NBD - Week 5 Review

Normally I try to start these blog posts with some sort of timely or humorous or reflective introduction that I then find a way to tie in to fantasy. Last week I did some research into Rosh Hashanah so that I could explore and explain some of the traditions involved. I really put some effort into it, especially in finding a way to tie it in to the power rankings that I came up with. Not a word of response from the league's Jewish contingent. Thanks guys. Anyways, this week I am foregoing all that rigmarole because a) apparently you fuckers couldn't care less and b) I have some actual league business to discuss. So even if you don't read the game reviews, please at least read about our IMPORTANT LEAGUE ISSUES and provide your input in the comments section below. Thanks.
IMPORTANT 2008 LEAGUE ISSUE #1:
Ray Tarasovic has reported some scoring issues the past few weeks that are at odds with our supposed rules. Ray's team features DeSean Jackson, who besides being a receiver who was utterly shut down by the Redskins, is also the Eagles' punt returner. Mephistopheles was penalized for a fumble in Week 4 when Jackson fumbled on a punt return, and was also rewarded in Week 5 when Jackson returned a punt for a touchdown. Now, when I set the scoring and positional settings at the beginning of the season, it was my intention that scores on punt and kick returns would be attributed to the Special Teams, and thus Jackson's points should have gone to the Philadelphia D/ST. As it turns out, though, Yahoo has been giving those points to individual players, and what I thought was D/ST has in fact just been D. None of your Defenses are getting Special Teams points. This wouldn't be such a big deal, but a few people have asked since before the season began, and I've always explained the scoring system as the way I thought it was operating, and not the way it actually has been operating.
So the question becomes what to do about it now. So far, I don't think any outcomes have been drastically affected. Jackson's negative points for the fumble or positive points for the TD wouldn't have changed the outcome of either of those games, nor were Reggie Bush's two punt return TDs enough for Kevin Manning to win this weekend.
The scoring system for the league was locked after the first set of games, so I can't change the settings, but I do have the power to adjust individual game scores, meaning I could go through the games each week and make adjustments where appropriate. This would be a bit of a pain for me, but as it was my mistake to begin with I have no problem doing it. The problem with this is that the stats provided by Yahoo will still reflect the current scoring system, so when you're picking up free agents/making roster decisions, you will have to factor in the difference in punt/kickoff returns yourself.
My inclination would be to go on scoring punt/kickoff returns as we have so far this season, attributing these points to individual players rather than Defenses, since it hasn't really affected any outcomes so far and we should all know the deal from here on out. But if anyone has made decisions based on how I said the scoring would operate, and feels that this has put them at a disadvantage, I certainly want to put that right. Your input in the comments section would be much appreciated. I'm very sorry if anyone has been screwed by this; I assure you it was entirely unintentional.

IMPORTANT 2008 LEAGUE ISSUE #2:
This issue has to do with the waiver wire, which has always been problematic. As it stands now, our waiver wire priority re-sets to the inverse of the standings every week. I have been in last place since the season began, so I've pretty much dominated that priority (yay for me!). Last week, I put in three claims, and got all three. This might not be surprising, since none of my pick-ups were exactly barn-burners (NY Giants Def, Kevin Walter, and Brandon Jackson). The same thing happened with my waiver-wire pick-ups this week, and the fact that I got all three both weeks makes me worried that because of my waiver wire priority, all of my waiver claims are being processed before the #2 waiver priority, and then all of #2's claims are being processed before #3, etc. This is not how it should be operating. However I don't know if this is actually what's happening or if I'm just picking up guys that no one else wants, so I need for you guys to keep an eye out for it. If you put in a waiver claim for someone, and someone gets that player as their second waiver-wire pick-up before you get your first, please let me know and I will try to find a way to fix that. This leads me into

IMPORTANT 2009 LEAGUE ISSUE #1:
In one of my other leagues this year, we have instituted a new waiver wire policy that I thought I'd propose for our league next year. Basically it's an auction system, with each week starting with essentially a silent auction on all the waiver wire players. At the beginning of the season, each owner has $100 free agent dollars, and each week they put bids in on the players they want. On Wednesday, the player is awarded to the owner who has put in the highest bid, and the owner's free agent budget is debited in that amount. It's been pretty fun for us in that other league, and gives you a whole new reason to make fun of someone when they totally overpay for, say, the NY Giants defense, Kevin Walter, or Brandon Jackson. This doesn't need to be decided until next summer, obviously, but I thought I'd put it out there now.
An even bigger decision facing us next year is

IMPORTANT 2009 LEAGUE ISSUE #2:
Draft order. Now that we're switching over to the Option B keeper system, where only players drafted after the 3rd round can be kept, the draft order again becomes extremely important. The top picks in the draft next year will actually be legitimate top draft picks, and not useless fuckers like Ryan Grant. Which brings up the question of how we determine draft order. Traditionally, the draft order is simply the inverse of the final standings. I remember a few years ago there was some concern over tanking, so we reversed the bottom 6 (i.e. #7 in the final standings gets 1st pick, #8 gets 2nd pick, etc.) Honestly I don't think anyone in this league is a big enough bitch to tank, and if they are, then fantasy football means way too much to them and they can have the top pick for all I care (and this is coming from someone for whom fantasy obviously means a lot). But I also think that simple inverse of the standings is kind of boring (even though it could very well benefit me since my team is so shitty this year), so I wanted to provide some options and have a vote, because it's been nearly two months since we all argued over something. Anyways, here's my options:
A) Inverse of final standings (yawn)
B) Random drawing. With our keepers next year likely not being the cornerstones of our teams, you can make a case that the league winner doesn't necessarily have any advantage heading into next year, and thus we should all have an even shot at the top draft pick. So I'll just put everyone's name in a hat and pick out the draft order.
C) NBA Lottery style. We will use inverse of final standings, but not directly. Again I will draw names out of a hat, but the 12th-place team will get 12 names in the hat, 11th-place will get 11 names, all the way down to 1st-place getting one name. Thus it'll be more likely that the last place teams get higher draft picks, but not necessarily a direct correlation. If someone with a statistics background wanted to provide a more appropriate name/hat distribution, I would be open to that.
D) Some kind of cool, crazy shit I've never even thought of or heard about. Maybe a Survivor-style competition to be held over the summer, where we draft in the reverse order of when you got kicked off the island? (Hope you like the 12-spot, Papkin!)

Again, your input/vote on all these issues in the Comments section would be much appreciated.

Now on to the Week 5 games:

Stadler & Waldorf 115.42, Wyld Stallyns 53.06
I had no reason to believe I'd have a big game this week other than the fact that I hadn't had one yet, and sure enough it came to pass. I didn't even need one! But I had one anyway to post the top score in the league this week. One shining moment in the sun. Oh but did the Stallyns eat it. The Eagles seemingly focused every ounce of their defensive energy on stopping Santana Moss, and they did to the tune of 0 fantasy points, apparently not noticing that they were being dominated instead by Clinton Portis and Chris Cooley. Deezer's got a strong QB tandem this year, but he started the wrong half of it this week, disregarding Aaron Rodgers 24 points to Philip Rivers' 10. But even that wouldn't have helped catch Brandon Jacobs (27), Andre Johnson (19), Matt Forte (18), and Hines Ward (15).
[Oh as I'm writing this I just saw an ad for "Time Warp," a show on DiscoveryHD where they show shit blowing up in super slow motion. Consider this a note to myself to DVR that show. It's next thursday at 8.]
[PS. in the off-season I could see this blog developing into a 'Dirty Jobs' review site. I'm pretty sure I can corner that market. Sorry.]

CH Croakies 66.04, Hamster Now Guinea Pig 103.98
The afore-mentioned dominance by Portis didn't leave much room for fantasy scoring by Jason Campbell (8), and after Adrian Peterson (4) got surprisingly shut down by the New Orleans defense, Elliott's receivers Larry Fitzgerald and Isaac Bruce (17 each) were lafted stranded on an island with no support. Matt Haller's Hamster team was my top-ranked contender last week, and they did their best to justify that ranking this weekend. Even on a day when the Cutler-Marshall Project didn't match their previous success (17 points between them), Haller got enough offense out of his RBs (Portis for 22 and Addai for 13) and his defense (Bears, 18) to break the century mark. Of note: the top scorer in this game was Ben Roethlisberger's 24, squandered on Elliott's bench.

Chestpubes & Ballfro 99.64, The Leadfarmers 67.68
The defending champ took umbrage at his Peter Lassardian #10 rating, and came out to prove himself this week. After getting blanked by the Skins in Week 4, I had sort of written off Felix Jones for some reason, but he came roaring back in Week 5 with 16 points, one shy of his backfield mate Tony Romo (17). Roddy White led the Ballfros with 19 and Donald Driver (14) had his biggest outing of the year, all of which was enough to prove that even when LaDainian Tomlinson and Chris Johnson have limited days, C&B is a contender. The Leadfarmers also had a solid day out of their receivers, with Muhsin Muhammed having another strong outing (13) and Randy Moss making his first appearance of the year (17). Moss' breakout must be reassuring for Derek, but the performances from the rest of his team must be depressing, to say the least. Miles Austin and Vernon Davis dropped some goose eggs, and LenDale White was only the slimmest of margins better, rushing for 4 yards. Even Marion Barber (9) was not his usual self. Man, there were a lot of Cowboys in this game.

Lassard Blows Harris 69.04, Mephistopheles 92.60
After a 2-0 start to the season in which he averaged nearly 110 points, Papkin saw fit to start talking shit, requesting that someone "please... put up some effort to beat me." Well, he's certainly gotten his wish, as this made the third consecutive week that he got beaten, this time by Mephistopheles. Ronnie Brown (19) proved this week that Wildcat Provisions was no fluke, and Mewelde Moore (11) was surprisingly decent as a fill-in for Willie Parker and Rashard Mendenhall. But Beyond that LBH didn't do much. Ray's squad is moving in the opposite direction, gaining their second straight win this week after nearly a year of futility. Interestingly enough, the Chief's last two victories came against DeYoung and Papkin, the same two opponents he beat this year. This week's win came on the strength of a huge day by waiver-wire pick-up the Carolina Defense (19), Chris Cooley (17), Greg Jennings (15), and Drew Brees (14).

Burke City Giants 109.54, Woody's Warriors 66.56
Don't look now, but Woody's Warriors are closing in on my coveted #12 spot! Languishing with the same abysmal 1-4 record, the Warriors are less than five points ahead of Stadler & Waldorf in the standings. In fact, the only thing that kept them from reaching the cellar this week was the surprisingly strong performance of Kyle Orton (22). Woody employed an unusual strategy this week, starting both Correll Buckhalter and Brian Westbrook, who's been dinged up. Dings or no, Westbrook put up 14 points, but that left nothing for Buckhalter. By contrast, Michael's team was the model of a balanced onslaught attack. With five Burke City players over the 15-point mark, even a strong performance by Woody would have made a win unlikely. The running back combo of Steve Slaton (21) and Michael Turner (18) led the way, followed closely by the Minny Defense (17), Jake Delhomme (17) and Reggie Wayne (16). With such a balanced, consistent attack, Toobin's team has earned themselves a spot right at the top of the league.

Matt Ryan Loves Dogs 102.60, Tri Steeg Area 93.78
With an average point differential of almost 40 points in the other five games this week, it was nice to have one contest that was not a complete blowout. Matt Ryan and Tri Steeg both played well this weekend, but of course Tri Steeg lost. I say of course because Manning's team has continued a trend this season that began last year in which they put up a solid score every week and still lose the majority of their games. Manning is currently leading the league in scoring, and yet has a losing record at 2-3. Since joining the league last year, he has averaged 86 points in his losses; most weeks, that's enough to beat half the league if you're lucky enough to be playing the right opponent. So far, luck has not been Tri Steeg's strong suit. This week brought them up against an MRLD group that was just a little bit better at each position. Koehler's team was led by TJ Houshmandzadeh (21), Kurt Warner (19), and Tim Hightower (17). It's worth noting that Hightower was one of Koehler's supplemental round selections, and he is hardly the first to have been productive this season: both of Derek Haller's picks from that round, Muhsin Muhammed and Chris Perry, have been solid contributors.

OK now that I'm through the game reviews, I want to draw people's attention back to the issues mentioned above. Please put some thought into your responses and post a comment to let me and the rest of the league know how you'd like to deal with these. Thanks.

NBD - Week 5 Preview

This week's games will be the first test of my Power Rankings, and the first chance for the losers in the bottom half to prove they belong elsewhere. Let's dive right in:

Stadler & Waldorf vs. Wyld Stallyns
DeYoung's team is clearly better than mine. And he's not necessarily facing tough defensive match-ups or anything like that. But one of his running backs is the back-up to mine, and the other one is kind of a pussy. Plus I just think that after 4 weeks, it's my time.
Muppets by 5

CH Croakies vs. Hamster Now Guinea Pig
I picked Haller's team as the top-ranked team in the league, so it'd be hard to pick against him here. Elliott has decided to make it even easier on me by starting Rudi Johnson. Seriously? You might as well start Jerious Norwood. Oh no wait, you are!
Guinea Pig by 11

Chestpubes & Ballfro vs. The Leadfarmers
I kind of want to pick this one without looking at the teams and basing it just on the summer '08 movies their names come from. Stepbrothers, whence "Chestpubes & Ballfro," was rioutously funny, with Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly basically competing to see who could appear more retarded. I'm not sure that anyone beside myself, Colly, and our unemployed friend Hambone saw it, but it was incredibly funny. Tropic Thunder, whence "The Leadfarmers," was also extremely funny, and featured a strong combination of dumb, low-brow humor and Hollywood satire. It also had some pretty legit action sequences. I loved them both, but it seems like Tropic Thunder had a bit more to offer audiences, especially if you consider the fake previews part of the movie. That shit was ridiculous.
Leadfarmers by 6

Lassard Blows Harris vs. Mephistopheles
Papkin is starting two receivers on the same team this week, Chris Chambers and Vincent Jackson. Not necessarily a bad move, but I don't think I've ever seen it before. Thought I'd point it out. You know what is a bad move, though? Starting Mewelde Moore. You know what else is? Starting Fred Jackson. Mephistopheles appears to be starting players who are actually fantasy-relevant, so I'm pretty sure I've got to give them the nod here.
The Fru-its of the Dev-il by 8

Burke City Giants vs. Woody's Warriors
I'm a little concerned about the fact that Woody still has Jerricho Cotchery in his starting line-up even though his team has a bye this week. He's also still starting Correll Buckhalter, even though I'm pretty sure Brian Westbrook is gonna be back on the field this week. It makes it hard for me to make picks when you bastards don't bother setting your line-ups until Sunday morning. But last week I had to let Sherwood know that Carson Palmer was injured, so I'm guessing he's busy these days and is neglecting his duties.
First: Giants by 8
Second: Woody, get your shit together!

You know what? I just thought about Will Ferrell singing "Por ti, volareeeeee..." and decided to change my vote on the Joe/Derek game.
Ballfro by 4

(note: this shit is bootleg)

Matt Ryan Loves Dogs vs. Tri Steeg Area
I like some of Koehler's starts at the "lesser" positions this week. His WR3 is Amani Toomer, who will be picking up the slack for a suspended Plaxico Burress. Anthony Fasano, his tight end, is playing the Chargers, who have given up a touchdown to a TE in every game so far this season. Kex, on the other hand, is starting Kellen Winslow, who has a bye, and doesn't even have another tight end to plug in if he gets around to checking his line-up tomorrow morning. HEY MOTHERFUCKERS! I'M SPENDING HOURS UPON HOURS EVERY WEEK WRITING THOUSANDS OF WORDS ABOUT THIS LEAGUE!! YOU THINK YOU COULD FIND FIFTEEN MINUTES ON, SAY, WEDNESDAY OR THURSDAY TO CHECK YOUR LINE-UP AND MAYBE PICK UP A FREE AGENT OR TWO?!?
Matt Ryan by one metric shit-ton

Last week: 4-2
Overall: 14-10

Beauty is fleeting:



But true love is forever:
Good luck in Week 5, except for DeYoung, who should probably get an early-80's computer terminal that weighs roughly 7,000 pounds tossed at his head.

BIFL - Week 5 Preview

With fewer teams and less prominent offenses on byes this week, BIFL squads should be at pretty much full strength unless they've been relying on Derek Anderson, Jamarcus Russell, or Marc Bulger. And if they have... well then "full strength" is kind of a relative term anyway, isn't it?

Sky Vault Centurions vs. Juse and the Argonauts
Well, as I said, bye weeks won't affect these two teams much, but that doesn't keep Juse from having plenty of players sidelined by P's, Q's and O's. Plaxico Burress is on the bench for missing a Giants team meeting, and Anquan Boldin is on the bench for missing a couple hundred thousand brain cells after last week's devastating hit. Leaving Juse to rely heavily on his Seahawks (Julius Jones and Deion Branch, returning to the lineup for the first time this season) against a stout New York defense. With Juse's big gun (Brandon Marshall) being offset in points by the Centurions' Jay Cutler, and Larry Fitzgerald (also a Centurion) potentially picking up some of the slack from Anquan Boldin, these teams fates seem intertwined to Andre's advantage.
Centurions by 9

Egon Spengler vs. Iron Chef of Pounding Poon
OK, I'll admit to being a little worried this week, despite the fact that Dick's team is a steaming pile of dogshit. But I'm starting Jason Campbell, who despite looking good so far this season hasn't overcome his tendency to hold on to the ball for hours at a time, going against the crazy swarm-blitz defense of the Eagles. Michael Turner is in Green Bay, and has yet to prove that he can produce anywhere outside of Atlanta, and Chris Johnson is up against the solid defense of the Ravens. All the same, I don't really see Eli Manning having a big day without his boy Plax, and the Dolphins and Chiefs (LDT and Steve Smith's opponents), despite being awful teams, actually have pretty good defenses. Also I would just never pick Dick to beat me, so...
Spengler by 5

Manatee Eaters vs. Pet Monkey
Peyton Manning hasn't done much yet this season, but he just had a week off to get ready for this game and he's playing the Texans, a team he loves to pick apart. With the rest of these teams looking pretty evenly-matched to me, the disparity in quarterbacks - Pet Monkey's Ben Roethlisberger is questionable to start, as is his back-up Aaron Rodgers - will probably be the difference-maker in this one.
Eaters by 4

Alligator Fuckhouse vs. Cholish Chachfaces
Woof. This is gonna be ugly. In case you missed it, I put out some BIFL power rankings earlier this week, and these two teams were at the extremes. If you haven't read it, I bet you can guess who was at the top and who was at the bottom without even visiting the link: Souts' team is starting Trent Edwards, Deuce McAllister, Michael Pittman, and Antonio Bryant. Chalski's team is starting Philip Rivers, Marshawn Lynch, Marion Barber, and Reggie Wayne. This should be fun.
Cholachs by 15

Jeff Stryker is not really gay vs. FUBAR
Spencer has a logo! Spencer has a logo! After months of lobbying, I finally see something besides a little red X in the spot where the FUBAR team picture is supposed to be. Granted, it's a low-res image of what looks like a 2-man, mustached heavy metal band, but it's a logo nonetheless, and it removes the factor I normally use for deciding against the Frogg in close contests. It wouldn't really have mattered this week, though, as I don't see this being a close contest. Will was hitting me up for advice this week on deciding whether to start Warrick Dunn or Mewelde Moore. Whichever shitter he chose would be facing off with the FUBAR combo of Frank Gore and Joe Addai. That's not a good match-up.
FUBAR by 13

Skinny White Guys vs. Chip Lohmiller
Here's what I know: the Cincinnati Bengals are an abysmal team. The Cowboys are a good team. The Cowboys' dynamic duo, Tony Romo and Terrell Owens, are supposedly fighting, and need to prove to America that they're getting along. So TR and TO are probably gonna blow up this week. But there's other stuff I know: the Detroit Lions are an abysmal team. Matt Forte is turning into an excellent professional football player who can run and receive. His team, the Bears, hates the Lions. He is probably gonna blow up this week. Here's one more thing I know: Ryan Grant has difficulty urinating in public restrooms when there are other men in the bathroom, so if he steps up to the urinal and then someone else enters the bathroom he just has to stand there for thirty seconds, pretend he's pissing, do a fake shake-off and leave. It's really sad.
Lohmiller by 8

You may have noticed that the Week 4 Review was a game short. I had decided to hold off on reviewing Bardey's performance until he was out of the Grand Canyon and back into satellite range, but apparently he didn't like that, so here ya go:

FUBAR 84, Skinny White Guys 69
FUBAR's leading scorer this week, as in most weeks, was Drew Brees with 24 points. His second-leading scorer was Lee Evans, with 16. His third-leading scorer was Frank Gore, with 13. Oh wait you know who else had 13? The kicker, Rian Lindell. That's pretty good for a kicker, huh? Oh but Bardey's kicker, Jeff Reed, had 13 as well! Oh ho ho, we've got a game here! But maybe not, because Bardey's kicker-13 was not the 3rd- or 4th-highest scorer, it was his first. In fact it was one of only three Skinny White Guys in double figures, complementing Bardey's top running back's 0-point day and his top wide receiver's 3-point day. Things are ugly in White Guy land, with no respite in sight. Time for Bardey to make some moves.
So that finishes off your review of Week 4, as well as your preview of Week 5.

Last week: 2-4 (uf)
Overall: 16-8 (still silly)

Here's something beautiful:

And here's something hideous:

Good luck in Week 5, except for Dick, who I hope gets stabbed with a dull blade by a fat, tattooed snorkeler in a speedo.

NBD - Week 4 Review

First of all, let me say ketiva ve-chatima tovah to the Toobins, the Hallers, and Papkin, who celebrated Rosh Hashanah this week. Rosh Hashanah, for those of you who don't know, marks the beginning of the new year in the Jewish calendar, and was celebrated from sundown Monday to sundown Wednesday this week. Unlike the secular (or "actual") New Year, Rosh Hashanah actually has some deeper meaning beyond drinking yourself into oblivion, making out with the nearest sloppy beast at midnight, and spending the next day slaving over a hot stove to make black-eyed peas for your friend's retarded tradition, only for him to complain that they're undercooked. But I digress: as the kick-off to the High Holidays, Rosh Hashanah marks the beginning of a period of repentance for the Jewish people which concludes on Yom Kippur next Thursday. And those Jews aren't just repenting for the heck of it: they're trying to save their asses, because Rosh Hashanah is the day when God opens the three books of account, recording the names of the wicked, the righteous, and what are traditionally known as the "ech, who knows?"
For me, Rosh Hashanah meant two days off of school, most of which was spent in quiet reflection and watching Champions League soccer. But in between taking hits from blowing on my shofar, I thought about the image of G_d, sitting on his throne as the books of account are opened and each person's deeds pass in front of him, to be judged as wicked, redeemable or righteous. Something about it seemed so familiar... and then it hit me, Ronnie Mervis's power rankings! Last year I separated the teams of NBD into the righteous, the respectable, and the repellant on a weekly basis. And while I'm ot about to start doing that every week again, I thought the 4-week mark would be a good time to take stock of the league. Without further ado...
Commandant Lassard's 2008 First Quarter Power Rankings

12) Cmdt. Mauser - Stadler & Waldorf

My team is not even good enough to merit equivalence to the original Police Academy villain. No, we are the replacement villain for those years when the actor who played Captain Harris decided to do summer stock: Commandant Mauser. Going into this year without a legit top keeper option, I knew things would be bad... but I did not know they would be this bad. My top two draft picks (one of whom was a keeper that cost me an 8th-round pick) have scored a total of 32 points. I have turned Nate Burleson into Hank Baskett into David Patten into Kevin Walter. My squad has scored 50 less points than the nearest low scorer, with no real hope on the horizon. Yowzer, yowzer, indeed.
11) Capt. Thaddeus Harris - Woody's Warriors

As an acronym, WW suits this team well: the Walking Wounded. The Warriors came into this season looking to rely on Brian Westbrook and Carson Palmer; now, both are down. The supporting cast around them is middling at best: Maurice Jones-Drew has had a disappointing performance so far, and Palmer's backups are Matt Ryan and Matt Cassel, two Matts that even I passed on when I realized that Matt Hasselbeck and Matt Schaub weren't getting it done. If Westbrook comes back strong (and indeed, it didn't seem like that serious of an injury) and Woody can find a respectable QB, he'll jump up these rankings quickly. Until then, though, he's down here with the Mausers of the world.

10) Capt. Peter Lassard - Chestpubes & Ballfro

On the surface, Commandant Lassard's brother Pete seems like a good guy. He follows the code of protect and serve; he encourages the growth of the force by encouraging recruiting at the Academy; and he's played by Howard Hesseman, who was a loveable rascal first on WKRP in Cincinnati and then again on Head of the Class. But the truth is that Capt. Lassard is a guy who's only looking out for himself and how his brother Eric's successes or failures will reflect on him. Ultimately, the brothers Lassard appear the same, but scratch the surface and their ideologies are entirely different. The same is true of myself and my roommate, Joe Colly. True, we can agree that Tony Romo, LaDainian Tomlinson and Chris Johnson are good fantasy players. But Chestpubes & Ballfro, as presently configured, feature a backup kicker and a backup defense. And frankly, that is something I just can not support.9) Sgt. Proctor - Lassard Blows Harris

If Papkin is right, and Commandant Lassard really is blowing sworn enemy Captain Harris, then Sergeant Proctor is the guy hiding in the corner jerking off, a role that suits weird stalker Sam just right (see: his Sovicesque avatar; my gmail inbox). Papkin's team is actually .500, and his scoring total is not that low, so what has him down here towards the bottom of the rankings? The same thing that torpedoed Woody's Warriors: health. Willis McGahee hasn't looked 100% since the season started, and he apparently had his eyes pecked out a few weeks ago to boot. Anquan Boldin is a stud, but his head looked like a pecan in a nutcracker this weekend when he got crunched between two Jets DBs. Willie Parker has his 12th knee injury since coming into the league 3 years ago. Donovan McNabb is a ticking time bomb. If Papkin can make it through the next 5 or 6 weeks with a healthy team and a decent record, he'll have a shot, but I don't see it happening.
8) Ofc. Sweetchuck - Matt Ryan Loves Dogs

Like Officer Sweetchuck, who overcame his tiny stature and history of being picked on as a store clerk to become one of the Academy's finest cadets, Koehler has had to fight for success against the odds this season. The seeming cornerstone of the squad, Tom Brady, went down early, never to return, but Kurt Warner has been an admirable fill-in. Unfortunately, the rest of the roster is pretty unspectacular. Frank Gore has been outstanding, but TJ Houshmandzadeh and the Cincy offense have sputtered, Thomas Jones looks as ordinary as he did last year, and Roy Williams seems to lose more and more touches every week to Calvin Johnson. So while it's nice to root for MRLD, like Sweetchuck, they'll never be more than a bit player.

7) Ofc. Zed - Mephistopheles

Oddly enough, the one amongst us with an actual history in law enforcement fills the spot named after that least law-abiding of patrolmen, former gang member Officer Zed. Like Zed,though, Ray is trying to live down his past by putting together a team that might actually be decent. Drew Brees is absolutely killing it this year, and at the moment he's the 2nd-highest scorer in all of fantasy. Greg Jennings is third among receivers, and Larry Johnson has looked in the past two weeks like Larry Fucking Johnson. With support from Laveranues Coles, David Garrard, and DeSean Jackson, that's the makings of a quality squad. The only questionable aspect of Mephisto's management is his slow-growing understanding of the importance of the waiver wire (just last week he was wondering to me why it is that all of us wake up at 3:45 on
wednesday mornings to pick guys up). Lame grabs like Brandon Lloyd and Cedric Benson aren't making this team any better, but a few additions with some actual talent could turn this team into a legit contender.

6) Sgt. Laverne Hooks - Tri Steeg Area
I'll be honest, I can't think of any comparisons to draw between Kex, his team, and the diminutive, pipsqueak-voiced Sergeant Hooks. But it is funny to imagine Manning with a jheri curl poking out from beneath his police cap, speaking in a high-pitched little whisper through a megaphone. Anyways, Tri Steeg Area's got the potential for some crazy high-scoring weeks. He's got players like Terrell Owens, Lee Evans and Reggie Bush (and JT O'Sullivan?) who are capable of enormous fantasy days. Then again, they're also capable of big fat stinkers. As long as somebody different is stepping up each week, this team will keep winning games. But a couple of those stinkers on the same week, and Kex is gonna be looking awfully meek... like Sgt. Hooks?

5) Sgt. Larvell Jones - CH Croakies

When I was a kid, Michael Winslow's portrayal of Jonesy, the human sound sampler, was pretty much the be-all end-all of comedy. I mean, he could sound like anything! A siren! A squeaky pair of shoes! An alien spaceship transmission! There was nothing he couldn't do. Now that I'm older, and I've been exposed to the more nuanced and complex comedic stylings of modern masters like Will Ferrell, Sacha Baron Cohen, and Johnny Knoxville, I know that that sound effect-based humor was empty, shallow. You know what else is empty and shallow? The fantasy success of Adrian Peterson. His 420 rushing yards, 52 receiving yards, and 3 touchdowns are like a giant bag of Jolly Ranchers: they'll crank you up with a sugar rush early in the season, but you know that somewhere down the line Peterson's body is going to crumple like that empty bag of fruit-flavored hard candy and Elliott's chance at success is going to puke all over itself and pass out like an overfed kid on Halloween. Until that happens, though, it's a pretty good team.

4) Sgt. Debbie Callahan - Burke City Giants

I've always wanted to say this in a write-up about Michael Toobin's fantasy team: Sergeant Callahan had enormous tits. The Burke City Giants' stregth comes from a killer pair as well: Marshawn Lynch and Michael Turner. Thus far this season, they are number 1 (Turner) and number 7 (Lynch) in overall scoring for running backs, averaging 33 points a week between them. That's just about my weekly scoring average, total. On top of that, Michael's got Steve Slaton as his third RB, and he's been putting up some pretty big performances lately as well. Add in Reggie Wayne, who I believe will only get better as the season goes on, and this is a formidable group. Almost as formidable as those 36DDs on Sergeant Callahan.

3) Sgt. Moses Hightower - The Leadfarmers

Who better to occupy the spot named after a toughass black dude than the team named after a (admittedly fake) toughass black dude? Like Bubba Smith, the Leadfarmers' game is built on power and size. Power: Marion Barber knocking out linebackers, Brett Favre breaking fingers with his passes. Size: Plaxico Burress and Randy Moss (though he's admittedly been a disappointment) towering over defenseless cornerbacks, LenDale White bellying his way into the endzone. Obviously we're not going to see 6 touchdowns out of Favre every week, and Chris Johnson might steal more and more touches from White as the season goes on, but as long as Favre doesn't die and Barber keeps punishing instead of being punished, I see no reason that the Leadfarmers can't put a winning team out there every week (assuming Plaxico can convince his team to let him back on the field, that is).

2) Sgt. Eugene Tackleberry - Wyld Stallyns

It pains me, after years of mocking DeYoung, to put him this high in my rankings. And maybe this'll serve as just the kind of jinx he needs to knock him back down to the bottom. But like his ultra-conservative brother, Sergeant Tackleberry, DeYoung's got the big guns this season. Admittedly, these are not necessarily fantasy names that would have blown you away (get it? big guns-blown away?) last season. But 2007's average Philip Rivers and Santana Moss have turned into 2008's #3 quarterback and #2 wide receiver. The Stallyns' running back situation might not look ideal at first glance, but Julius Jones has been carrying the load surprisingly well, and Steven Jackson traditionally gets better and better as the season goes on (check out my write-up of Egon Spengler in the BIFL power rankings for some statistical evidence of this). Throw Marques Colston back in the mix in a few weeks, plus the possibility that Braylon Edwards snaps out of his coma, and this is a powerful team from top to bottom.

1) Sgt. Carey Mahoney - Hamster Now Guinea Pig

It would be hard to say whose success is more undeserved: Steve Guttenberg's or Matt Haller's. And yet here they both are, atop the rankings. Mahoney is here for his effortless cool, his calm in the face of pressure, his steady leadership of his fellow cadets, and his midriff-baring half-shirts. Haller is here for entirely different reasons, mainly Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall. I've said it before, but it doesn't make it any less true, that Cutler-Marshall is this year's Brady-Moss, capable of putting up huge numbers in any given week. On top of that, Haller's got a great 1-2 RB combo going with Clinton Portis and Joe Addai and two more solid receivers in Steve Smith and Santonio HOlmes. Edgerrin James is a more than capable bench back, and now that Bobby Engram is healthy again he should be a solid fill-in as one of the only legitimate options for Matt Hasselbeck in Seattle. This is a team full of studs. I'm pretty sure I don't have a single player on my team that would start for this team, and for that Haller has achieved the coveted number one spot. The only question is, can he keep it?
I'll re-visit the rankings a few weeks down the road to answer that, and other questions. Meanwhile, I've already written pages without even addressing the week 4 slate, so let me do this quickly:

Michael Pemulis 59.88, Hamster Now Guinea Pig 95.14

A 21-point day for Edgerrin James plus 28 from Cutler-Marshall is basically enough right there to put my team away. Negative points from my top draft pick, Ryan Grant, seals the deal.

CH Croakies 103.54, The Leadfarmers 94.96

Two top teams squared off, with E getting the best of this one thanks to Adrian Peterson (21), Jason Campbell (18), and Jamal Lewis (15), whose combined efforts were enough to overcome Brett Favre's huge day (35).

Chestpubes & Ballfro 88.3, Tri Steeg Area 105.08

24 each out of Romo and LDT wasn't enough to push the rest of the under-performing Chestpubers over the well-balanced attack of Tri Steeg, featuring the Tampa Bay D (18), Earnest Graham (17), Lee Evans (17) and TO (15).

Wyld Stallyns 97.4, Mephistopheles 118.72

Mephisto breaks a 13-game losing streak thanks to huge efforts by LJ (30), Brees (25) and Greg Jennings (23). Steven Jackson's 25 gives Deezer hope for his primary back, but hope is traditionally abandoned by those entering Mephistopheles' domain.

Lassard Blows Harris 66.38, Woody's Warriors 79.02

Nothing really special here, just two mediocre teams having lame weeks against each other. And the both outscored me. [sigh] Congrats to Woody, though, for notching his first win of the season. I'm still waiting on mine. [sigh] [again]

Burke City Giants 83.96, Matt Ryan Loves Dogs 74.38

Steve Slaton (18) has his second straight week as a fantasy stud gaining most of his points through the air, proving that he may be Bush Lite (or Bush Heavy, considering Reggie's relative lack of fantasy success). Jake Delhomme (20) also had a solid day, topping Koehler's high scorer Kurt Warner (18).

Woof. I've been working on these rankings for like three days now, so I'm kind of exhausted, but I'll be back tomorrow with Week 5 previews. See you then.

BIFL - Week 4 Review

You know what used to scare the shit out of me when I was a kid? This.

The episodes themselves tended to be pretty silly and fun rather than legitimately scary, but the intro and outro used to have me shitting my pants, especially when I watched the show in the basement of my old house on Winnipeg Court. After watching, I'd have to walk up two flights of stairs to get to my room, and to my frightened pre-adolescent brain those stairs were exactly like the ones you descended (and then ascended) during the intro and outro of "Tales from the Crypt."
By the way, HBO, I know you're hot shit because you gave us "The Sopranos" and "The Wire" and all, but in the midst of making suckfests like "True Blood," "In Therapy," "John from Cincinnati," and the latest Hookers at the Point update, maybe you could give us something actually entertaining, like TFTC used to be. I'd watch the episode where Joe Pantoliano transplants a cat's nine lives into his (SPOILER ALERT: the cat died in the procedure! Think about the ramifications of that!) a thousand times before I'd once watch that episode of "Entourage" where it looks like Vince's career in Hollywood might be over, only to be saved by a fantastic twist of fate and some clever maneuvering by E and Ari.*
So what does a nerdy little kid sprinting up his suburban basement stairs have to do with fantasy football? Well, like 10-year-old Sovic, you too should be scared out of your mind: we're four weeks into the fantasy season, over a quarter of the way through, and you still have no idea whether your team is great or awful. You're probably 2-2 (more than half of us are), your team team will drop sixty points in a week (as Dekker's did from week 2 to week 3) and then jump sixty points the next (as mine did from week 2 to week 3). Fortunately, I am here to help assuage your fears. You may have no idea whether your team is awful or awesome, but I know exactly how good you are. And I am willing to share my wisdom with you. To that end, here are your quarterly BIFL Power Rankings...
*oh wait, that's every episode for five seasons now

12. Alligator Fuckhouse (2-2)
In preparation for these rankings, I made some notes on each roster, including strengths, holes, disappointments, surprises, and key pick-ups. Next to "strengths" in my notes for Alligator Fuckhouse, I have "???". Souts' heavy reliance on the AFC North has proven disastrous, as Jamal Lewis, Chad Johnson, Kellen Winslow, and Chris Perry have all disappointed. To salvage his season, Souts will need Deuce McAllister to explode (in a good way, not the bad way he normally does) or will need a huge pick-up off the waiver wire.

11. Skinny White Guys (1-3)
Matt Forte has been a pleasant surprise for Bardey, and Donovan McNabb has managed to stay healthy. That's about all that's gone right for Bardois this season. Ryan Grant has changed his strategy from breaking big runs and scoring touchdowns last year to nursing sore hamstrings and eating bags of dicks this year. The much-vaunted wideout trio of Andre Johnson, Santonio Holmes, and Marques Colston has been ineffective, inactive, and injured, respectively. Doit made a good move to shore up his running game by adding Earnest Graham, but he'll need a few more trades like that to be competitive.

10. Jeff Stryker is not really gay (1-3)
Having a few outstanding players can do a lot for you in fantasy. Adrian Peterson and Greg Jennings are both big-day guys who can break out in any given week and win a game for you. Unfortunately, being dependent on one or two guys is usually not going to get you all the way to a championship, hence Will's tendency every year to get to the playoffs and then quickly bow out. This year, he's off to a slow start, meaning that even making the playoffs might be a long shot.

9. Juse and the Argonauts (1-3)
Let me start by saying this: Juse has an incredible set of receivers. Brandon Marshall, Anquan Boldin, and Plaxico Burress are all legit #1 receivers. But Boldin just had his head smooshed and Plax just got suspended by his own team. Julius Jones has been playing pretty decently, but I'm not really sure I see that continuing, and Willis McGahee and Darren McFadden have yet to prove that their worth their early-round selections. If those receivers get back on track once they're playing again and somebody else steps up for the Argos, this team will rocket up these rankings, but until then, he's relegated to the bottom third.

8. Pet Monkey (3-1)
Billy's team looked pretty awful to me heading into this season, but he's had a few pleasant surprises that have propelled him to a strong start. Aaron Rodgers has been a more-than-able replacement, at least in fantasy terms, in Green Bay. Santana Moss has been playing great in Washington's new West Coastish offense. And Larry Johnson has started to resemble the LJ of old. That said, I don't see a lot of other talent on this team; Rodgers just suffered a shoulder injury to his throwing arm, and LJ is in a lousy offense. So while Billy is one of the few owners with a positive record, I have a feeling it won't be positive for long.

7. Manatee Eaters (4-0)
I get confused every time I look at Chuck's team and see a picture of myself. I also get confused when I look at his roster and compare it to his record. The Eaters have had a huge disappointment this year in Randy Moss, who apparently has decided to go on strike in protest of the dirty hit he didn't see on Tom Brady. The Eaters' QB, Peyton Manning, didn't tear up his knee as badly as Brady, but he doesn't quite seem like the Peyton of old, either. One thing Chuck does have going for him is a good early record and a preponderance of running backs. Reggie Bush, Steve Slaton, Ronnie Brown, and Steve Slaton are all startable fantasy players. If he can convert them via trade into some startable receivers, he'll be a force in the playoffs. As is, though, that 4-0 start might get him to the post-season, but it won't get him through it.

6. Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (2-2)
If you have LaDainian Tomlinson, you're pretty much guaranteed not to be in the bottom half of my power rankings. But LDT is not the alpha and omega of the Poon-Pounders. Laveranues Coles and Steve Smith are starting to look like the 2006 versions of themselves, especially with Coles and Favre seemingly developing a strong rapport in New York. Eli Manning is unspectacular, as ever, but I hate to say he's pretty uncraptacular as well, and as far as fantasy goes having a merely decent quarterback can get you pretty far. If Chris Cooley can start getting a piece of some of these Redskins touchdowns or Dick can find a solid RB2, this team will be a force.

5. Egon Spengler (2-2)
Here's what this team is going to need to succeed: management. Egon Spengler has got two quarterbacks (Favre and Jason Campbell) in the top 10 fantasy-wise. I've got three running backs (Michael Turner, Chris Johnson, and Steven Jackson) in the top 12, including the #1 back right now (my boyfriend). I've got no legit #1 receiver, but I've got like 8 decent ones. What I'll need to do is manage the starting lineup well. As the season goes on and I get to know my players better, that should be easier and easier. It'll probably be easiest right as I'm easing into the playoffs and another BIFL championship.
Coincidentally, I was doing a little research into my boy Steven Jackson the other day. He was starting slow and I was considering trading him. Here's what I found:
In 2007, he averaged 69 rushing yards, .25 touchdowns, and 17 rec yds in the first 8 weeks and stepped that up to 91/.5 td/26 in the next 8. In 2006, the difference was even more dramatic: 86/.375/40 for the first half, 103/1.2/59 for the second.
I guess what I'm saying is that if you fuckers know what's good for you, you won't let me and S-Jax into the playoffs.

4. Chip Lohmiller (2-2)
I think it's pretty well-established by now that the NFC East is the strongest division in football, and Dekker has a stranglehold on its fantasy superstars. Tony Romo and Terrell Owens are in one of football's most powerful offenses, and Brian Westbrook is the Eagles' offense. On top of that, Lohmiller has Chris Chambers and Eddie Royal, receivers in the two best offenses outside of the NFC East. What keeps this group out of my top 3 is question marks. Owens is starting to squawk in Dallas, and despite a few seasons of seemingly happy relations, you never know when things are going to go sour with him. Westbrook missed last week, and might be out again this week. He's never really made a full season healthy, and while missing weeks 4 and 5 isn't such a big deal for this team, missing weeks 14 and 15 will be. Eddie Royal came out like gangbusters to start the season, but with Brandon Marshall back in the picture he's returned to earth. The potential for a juggernaut is certainly there, but there are too many question marks right now.

3. FUBAR (2-2)
Drew Brees is the top player in fantasy right now. Frank Gore is the second-highest scoring running back. Calvin Johnson is establishing himself as an elite fantasy wide receiver. Joseph Addai is a sleeping giant. LeRon McClain and Felix Jones are solid bench options. I say it every year, and I'll say it again: the Frogg's team is for real. The problem is that he's got the worst luck of any fantasy player I've ever seen, regularly leading the league in close losses and points against. If he can figure out what he did to anger the gods and turn it around (I've heard that Jobu likes cigars, rum) he's got a shot at the title.

2. Sky Vault Centurions (2-2)
What I almost always like about Andre's teams can be summed up in two words: balance & consistency. He might not always have fantasy superstars on his roster, but he's got a lot of solid players who you know are gonna produce points every week. Clinton Portis fits that description; Larry Fitzgerald fits that description; Hines Ward fits that description. On top of that, he's got burgeoning fantasy monster Jay Cutler. Roy Williams has been a disappointment so far this season, but with two other quality receivers, Andre can afford to wait around and see if he regains form later in the season. When you play the Centurions, you know you're going to need a supreme performance to beat them, and for that he grabs the #2 spot. But they're still not quite...

1. Cholish Chachfaces (2-2)
Let's get something straight: Mark is a bitch. He floats around from smackboard to smackboard, starting shit, bad-mouthing players and owners, and bringing in completely irrelevant playoff baseball chatter. But though he may be a bitch, his team is scary good. It starts with that RB engine featuring two legitimate #1 backs, Marion Barber and Marshawn Lynch. Philip Rivers has quickly joined the top ranks of fantasy players this season, averaging over 20 points. The wide receiver position has been slightly disappointing, but I don't believe Reggie Wayne will be held down for long, Torry Holt may see his offense re-energized by the Rams' coaching change, and Jerricho Cotchery is catching passes from the ol' gun-slinger, whose many interceptions won't hurt Cotchery's value any. No one on Chalski's bench is scaring me right now, but as long as he keeps this core healthy and intact, I don't see a better team in the league right now.

It'll be interesting to see how the next couple weeks play out, especially with people negotiating bye weeks and the continual pile-up of injuries, and we'll re-visit the power rankings in another month or so to see how wrong I was.
Having devoted a lot of time to the rankings this week, you'll excuse me if the Week 4 write-ups are a little shorter than usual.

Egon Spengler 90.5, Juse and the Argonauts 109
I'm not sure if it's awesome or bullshit that Justin got his first win against the man who drafted his team for him, but whichever it was, it happened. Big days out of Delhomme (21), Boldin (17), Marshall (11) and Isaac Bruce (11) gave the Argos their second-highest score of the season, enough to beat a Spengler squad that left Favre's 35 and Chris Johnson's 19 on the bench.

Iron Chef of Pounding Poon 99.5, Chip Lohmiller 85.5
Dick didn't get the memo about Carson Palmer's injury in time to sit him, but Palmer's 0-fer was more than made up for by Laveranues' big day. Lohmiller has his own injury woes with Westbrook out and Rashard Mendenhall going down for the season in his first start. MJD (4) appears to be injured too with a case of acute cantscoreitis.

Pet Monkey 110.5, Sky Vault Centurions 84
The return of LJ and the continued strength of Santana Moss carried the day for the Monkey in this one. Andre had plenty of solid performances, but no huge days and a few stinkers by Josh Reed (4), Hines Ward (5), and Todd Heap (0).

Manatee Eaters 88, Alligator Fuckhouse 75.5
Chuck's team eats manatees, Souts' team eats shit. Jamal Lewis and Chad Johnson had their best days of the year, but at 14 and 10, respectively, those best days aren't particularly good.

Cholish Chachfaces 78, Jeff Stryker is not really gay 119.5
OK, I was trying to ignore this week's game outcomes when I wrote the player rankings for fear that they might overly influence me. Had I seen 78 points from Chalski, he probably wouldn't have gotten that #1 spot. But I still fear the Chach, and despite solid days out of Warner (18), Peterson (20) and Jennings (26), I still think Stryker are a bunch of posers.

Now that you all know where you stand and how you've done so far, let's see some trades out there! Remember, trading freezes the value of a keeper for another season, so if you've got an equivalent keeper to someone on another team, it benefits you both to make the trade. Wes Welker was a 12th-rounder for me this year: Who wants him in the same round next year when he gets Tom Brady back? Call me!