From the Desk of Commandant Eric Lassard

NBD Team Reports - 10/9/11 (pt. 1)

2011-10-09T12:53:00.000-04:00

With nearly a third of the fantasy regular season under our belts, here is a status update on a few more of NBD's favorite franchises:

Moseley's Mask (Screen) 2-2
After years of middling results, lagging ticket sales, and fights with town officials in Durham over a new, modern stadium, Justin Koehler finally gave up the ghost this summer and decided to sell off his Matt Ryan Loves Dogs franchise. This left the league without one of its longest-tenured owners and calmest voices; and even more troublingly, without a guiding hand for a franchise in need of an overhaul. In stepped brash internet billionaire Andy Screen. Screen has been a controversial figure ever since a New York Times exposé suggested that his hugely successful internet translation site, pantallon.com, was not powered by a highly advanced translating algorithm, as Screen had always claimed, but rather by armies of third-world workers housed in low-lit, poorly-ventilated warehouses, chained to their Wang terminals and forced to translate for as much as 30-hour shifts before being sent back to their families with barely enough wages to buy a loaf of bread. Though Screen had circulated on the fringes of numerous fantasy leagues for years, trying to find a way in, most leagues rejected him due to his controversial standing and loud-mouthed reputation. But in need of revenue and looking to revive a flailing operation, NBD had no choice to but to allow Screen's takeover and makeover. Rather than continue to fight with city officials over a new stadium, Screen simply built his own facility in northwest Washington, DC, complete with hundreds of luxury boxes, enormous high-definition scoreboards, and locker rooms that feature individual televisions, stereos, videogame systems, and royal penis scrubbers for each player.
The early results of this reorganization have been mostly positive, with the Masked Men scoring in triple digits in each of their first four games in the league. The offensive display began in Week 1, when Philip Rivers (19), DeSean Jackson (16), and Wes Welker (28) combined on numerous long plays to expose the Finga Sniffs' porous secondary. After establishing a big early lead thanks to that passing attack, the powerful running back duo of Darren McFadden (16) and Adrian Peterson (10) were able to do some work on the ground, propelling Moseley (and Screen) to its first NBD win, 120-93.
In Week 2, the afore-mentioned rushing tandem of Peterson (26) and McFadden (24) took center stage. After one particularly destructive Peterson run, an exuberant and obnoxious Screen was seen wildly gesticulating in his owner's box, taunting the visiting Blam-a-Lam fans and repeatedly pointing to the 150-foot, 4,062dpi scoreboard to emphasize the replays of Peterson's amazing play. Those taunts soon turned to tears, however, for despite the rushing dominance and solid play by quarterback Philip Rivers (20), Moseley could not contain the onslaught of the Blam-a-Lammers and eventually lost, 115-108.
After failing their teammates in the Week 2 loss, the Moseley defense stepped up in Week 3, holding the Wild Stallions to a mere 77 points. The Stallions, for their part, focused on freezing Rivers (8) and Jackson's (3) deep pass potential, but this left them wide open underneath. Taking a series of short dink-and-dunk passes and turning them into huge yardage, Welker (36) and tight end Jermichael Finley (27) feasted on the defense. McFadden (30) and Peterson (16) did serious damage as well, raising the specter that Screen might possess both the best fantasy rusher of the past several years and the best fantasy rusher of this year (a la those old arguments of Jordan and Pippen being the "best player in the NBA" and "best overall player in the NBA," as though those could be two different things). For non Mask fans, this game lost its entertainment value early on as they romped to easy victory and the first Classic Soul Jam of the Week High Scorer Award for the new franchise, 142-77.
Despite the obvious talents of Peterson and McFadden, they may not even be the most impactful players on this roster. In Week 4, Wes Welker (22) continued to be dominant, leading the team in scoring for the third time in four weeks. And though DeSean Jackson (17), opposite him, also racked up the points, the running game never seemed to click in the way it had the last two weeks. A mere 21 points combined from Peterson, McFadden, and Danny Woodhead brought Moseley their lowest point total yet. And though 104 points is respectable, it wasn't enough to overcome the 110-point effort of Woody's Warriors, and the Masked Men fell to 2-2.

Kenny Brittle (M Haller) 2-2
Winning an NBD title is no easy task. Repeating that task is nearly impossible. Every year, one franchise attempts to undertake that impossible task, and often without much of the personnel that enabled them to win their first championship. The league policies that limit team's ability to keep top-tier talent and shorten the contract length of emerging stars make maintaining a consistent roster very difficult. So leave it to a shrewd, some might say cut-throat, back room lobbyist like Matt Haller to find a way to re-construct a winning team, by hook or by crook. Though Haller was only able to officially hang on to Jeremy Maclin and Marcedes Lewis, he sneakily constructed a deal before the draft with frequent ~~patsy~~ collaborator Eric Sherwood to trade his first and fourth round selections for Sherwood's first and fifth. Although this meant sacrificing Aaron Rodgers, it ensured Haller the services of Ray Rice, which along with the drafting of Drew Brees, gave Haller much of the core of last year's champion Emailarrhea squad. The traded Kenny Britt would look to fill the shoes of Roddy White, while Jahvid Best would attempt to take the place of departed scatback LeSean McCoy.
In the first two weeks, things were looking good for hopes of a repeat, with Brees (29) and Britt (26) immediately establishing the same rapport that DB shared with White last year. With Ray Rice (27) providing the ground support and the Bears (24) showing a stout defensive effort, this franchise showed that they did not lose any steam in the off-season, following up their string of success in the playoffs with a High Scorer title in Week 1. That result must have been doubly frustrating for opponent Stuffed Quahog, the very team that had lost to Emailarrhea in the NBDBowl last year.
Week 2 saw more of the same, with Brees and Britt (43 combined) once again succeeding through the air, with Brees now spreading the wealth to include Jeremy Maclin (29). With Jahvid Best (24) also posting a strong showing, it was beginning to look like the power trio of Brees, Britt and Rice (16) was becoming a power quintet. Everything was going right for Haller's team, and their second win of the season came at the expense of the owner's brother, 133-105.
Then Week 3 happened. Although Brees (29) remained inscrutable, his favorite target Kenny Britt went down early, tearing the anterior, medial, and ulterior cruciate ligaments in his right knee. With Britt gone, the Buck Stops Here's corners were able to key on Maclin, limiting him to seven points. With Rice (16) and Best (9) having unspectacular days, the Brittles earned their name and managed only 94 points. That said, with only nine-tenths of a point more, that would have earned them a victory, but instead BSH managed a slim victory.
The bad luck and declining fortunes of the passing game continued in Week 4, with Brees (17) posting his first total south of 20 points, and his receivers - Maclin, Percy Harvin, and Mike Sims-Walker - combining for the same amount. Although Ray Rice (19) was effective and the defense and kicking teams (25 together) were strong, the suddenly struggling Brittles faced a second straight loss, 113-89, and now find themselves having to focus their efforts on winning their next game rather than their next championship.

BIFL Team Reports - 10/2/11

2011-10-02T09:55:00.000-04:00

Faced with increased professional responibilities (I'm now the Union Rep at my school) and increased personal commitments (I've got a real, live girlfriend for the first time in recent memory), I've been forced to re-consider the amount of time I spend as Lassard every week. I also discovered, whilst writing last year's State of Your Team write-ups, that it's a lot more interesting for me to write about each team over a several-week span with a kind of narrative arc than it is to simply re-cap games every week. With those factors in mind, I've decided to re-structure this blog a little bit. Every week this season, I'll be writing Team Reports, but not for every team in every league. Instead, I'll be rotating around, which gives me the opportunity to write a little bit less but take a more indepth look at what each team has done over a period of time, rather than just finding creative ways to say X scored __ points, Y scored ___ points, and the team won/lost. This week we'll look at four BIFL franchises. I hope you enjoy it, and if you didn't get mentioned this week, rest assured that your time will come soon.

I'm Fucking In (Spence) 1-2
Years of Woodbridgean anguish finally turned to joy last December, as I'm Fucking In finally brought owner Spencer Jones and his long-suffering fanbase their first BIFL Championship. There were parades in the street, quarterbacks sent to DisneyWorld, and visits to the White House, but Jones had seen enough franchises flash through the heavens just to fall back to earth. He was determined to turn his franchise into a dynasty, not a one-year wonder. That brought some tough decisions, including the sad departure of BIFLBowl MVP Drew Brees. Brees and Jones parted ways under seemingly amicable terms, with Brees conceding that a small market team like Woodbridge could not afford to sink all their finances into a single player, and Jones acknowledging that Brees deserved to be one of the highest-paid players in the league. But while the two main faces in this soap opera put on happy faces, debate still rages up and down the Prince William County Parkway as to which is the bad guy. That debate characterizes the troubled undercurrent of doubts around this team's ability to repeat as champions. Despite Brees' departure, core IFIers Arian Foster, LeSean McCoy, and Mike Williams remain, and they are joined by such talents as Greg Jennings, Stevie Johnson and exciting young tight end Jimmy Graham.
Foster, however, has been an early-season no-show, scoring only 3 points in the first three weeks of 2011. In Week 1, McCoy (29) did his best to carry the backfield load entirely on his own shoulders, and the receiving trio of Jennings(14), Williams (11), and Johnson (12) had solid days. Graham (11) lived up to his pre-season hype as well, but against a monstrous effort from the Lower Loudoun Tribe, IFI needed some serious firepower from the quarterback position. Matt Ryan's 10-point day was far from Breesian, and with a weak defensive output (7 total), I'm Fucking In
fell 110-146 to their rivals from the neighboring county.
Week 2 saw Foster's brief return to action, though he looked little like the league-leading rusher that propelled Jones' boys to the trophy. Jones might have been better off leaving him on the bench. A similar error in judgement came at the quarterback position, where Ryan's 19 rode the pine in favor of Rex Grossman's 15-point outing. Those decisions, combined with a lousy outing from Williams (1), meant that Shady and Stevie's big day (23 and 16, respectively) went to waste. That gave I'm Fucking In two straight losses to start the defense of their championship, this one to the Cholish Chachfaces, 102-108.
But an outing against the Ass-Ramming HotCocks can sometimes cure all ills, and Week 3 gave Jones his first taste of victory in 2011. Ryan, back under center, put up a decent day (14), doing most of his damage through the air to the explosive Graham (18). Johnson (16) and Jennings (13) also made their presence felt catching Matty Ice's pinpoint passes, and the addition of Willis McGahee's experienced consistency (11) proved the perfect complement to McCoy's combustible talent (21). Jones will hope that this week prove to be a sign of things to come rather than an isolated incident, much as he hopes that last year's championship is the start of a perennial contender rather than a one-hit wonder.

Cow Fister (Shoaf) 0-3
For years, the players' union (and, secretly, the other owners in BIFL) have been trying to find a way to break Cow Fister owner and Texas oil baron Will Shoaf, complaining that he used his vast riches and ruthless team of lawyers to unfairly lock top talents such as Adrian Peterson and Peyton Manning into long, unbreakable contracts. When the commissioner finally intervened this year, putting a cap on teams' ability to monopolize such elite players, Shoaf simply tipped back his ten-gallon hat and laughed in Commissioner Doit's face. "Haw haw! Y'all are gunna have to try better'n 'at to keep this ol' wildcat caged!" While nothing has been proven in court, it is widely believed that the same money that was formerly spent at the negotiating table was spent on bribing the accountants at Price Waterhouse into securing Shoaf the top pick in the draft, allowing him to lock down the same running back who had openly rejoiced when the league had finally informed him that he was out from under the billionaire's yoke. Back to the plow for you, Adrian Peterson.
In their first week, it almost seemed as though Peterson (9) and the rest of the crew were openly showing their displeasure with Shoaf's "luck," with nearly every Cow Fister scoring in single digits. Only franchise face and noted boot-licker Tony Romo (21) put up any kind of solid numbers, and the Fisters fell to Your Stepdad, 75-112.
A guy like Adrian Peterson can only rein in his talent for so long, however, and Week 2 saw him go right back to his usual production, leading the team with 29 points. His example set the pace for several other Fisters, including Tony Romo and Devery Henderson, who combined for 47 points through the air. With Romo also hooking up effectively with Santonio Holmes (10), the Fisters were looking good, but an unexpected outburst from opponent Kurt Beran left them on the wrong side of the scoreboard, which showed a 121-128 loss when all was said and done.
Having worked so hard in Week 2 and still failed, the air went right back out of this team in Week 3 and brought out an even poorer performance than in the uninspired Week 1. With his pretty-boy ailing, and deathly afraid of seeing him injured further, Shoaf threw the pouty and unpopular Jay Cutler onto the field. Though Cutler (23) played well enough to spark a potential quarterback controversy in Austin, the rest of the team showed their clear displeasure at being led by such a miserable prick. When asked about it after the game, Peterson remarked "Yeah, we all hate playing for Mr. Shoaf, and hearing the plays called by that doofy dipshit Tony [Romo] is infuriating, but when Jay [Cutler] is out there, you can't really focus at all because you just want to punch him in the face so bad. It's a really difficult situation, but we're taking it one game at a time, you know? It is what it is." Added Santonio Holmes (1),"Yeah, seriously. Fuck all these dudes." Only time will tell if the Cow Fisters can overcome this locker room tension to find the season's first win.

Cholish Chachfaces (Chalski) 2-1
As the lone minority owner in BIFL, Mark Michalski has long spoken up for the rights of the under-represented in the league. This year, he put his money where his mouth is in drafting one quarterback who is half-Mexican (Mark Sanchez) and another who is half-Castoridae*, Sam Bradford. With mixed-race Miles Austin, Italian Williams DeAngelo, and Frenchman Pierre Thomas on the roster, the Cholish Chachfaces are truly a paragon of the kind of diversity that BIFL promotes in the 21st Century.
Sadly, the forces of bigotry reared their ugly heads in the very first moments of the Chaches' 2011 season, as elements from a fundamentalist anti-Towhead group snuck onto the field at Choland Stadium in Jacksonville and brutally crippled kicker Nate Kaeding, attacking his knees with a yardage marker and screaming out "What's the frequency, Kaeding?" before being subdued by stadium security. Though the conspirators were all locked up and order was restored, the Chachfaces had a hard time recovering. A visibly shaken Bradford (5) was over- and under-throwing passes all day, and DeAngelo (3), whose upbringing in the Tuscan countryside could hardly have prepared him for such a scene, seemed completely lost. The experienced receiving trio of Andre Johnson (15), Miles Austin (15), and Anquan Boldin (13) tried to lead the team through a tough time, but their efforts were to no avail as the Ducks easily defeated the deflated Chachfaces, 114-78.
A week off, however, made a world of difference, as the Kaeding tragedy became a rallying point for the team. Michalski made the stunning announcement that the 'Faces would start each game with only ten men on the field in honor of their fallen comrade, leaving a blank at Defensive Back in Week 2. Though fans and commentators questioned the tactic, it had an obvious galvanizing effect on the team, with Miles Austin (36) in particular playing as though the hospitalized, comatose Kaeding's life depended on it. Ryan Mathews (18) and Andre Johnson (15) were similarly inspired, and although Bradford ran to the locker room in a moment of panic just before kickoff, the Sanchize (13) filled in decently. Only DeAngelo (3) seemed like he was still feeling the effects of the previous week's incident, though with the language barrier, it was hard to know if he actually had any idea what was going on at all.
That suspicion was confirmed in Week 3, when DeAngelo (2) was once again a no-show. Also failing to appear was a linebacker, who took the week off as this week's line-up sacrifice to honor the fallen Kaeding. Having earned himself a second start, Sanchez (28) showed definitively that he should be the one leading this offense by leading the team in scoring (28). Just as effective as Sanchez's aerial attack was Ryan Mathews ground assault (27), demonstrating that he finally may be ready to start putting up the numbers Chachface fans have been expecting since last year. Although opponent Alligator Fuckhouse put up a valiant effort, the onslaught of Sanchez, Mathews, Johnson (15), Greg Olsen (13), and rookie Denarius Moore (11) proved to be too much, and the Chachfaces brought home their second victory, 114-111.

*I'm gonna make you look it up to get the joke.

We the Ducks, You Sucka (Dre) 1-2
Little is known of eccentric We the Ducks, You Sucka owner Andre LaFollette, other than the fact that he made his fortune in signage after inventing Air Dancers, those inflatable characters that flutter as they fill up with air, waving madly over car washes and auto repair shops before collapsing to the ground and then inflating again. After buying the franchise over ten years ago, LaFollette has followed in the footsteps of his Air Dancers, reaching high into the sky only to collapse and begin the process anew, with curious new branding and a new team, every year. This year's theme is a Sergio Leone spaghetti western about an IRA bomber in the Mexican Revolution that has, admittedly, been in my Netflix queue for a while. But this does not make it any more explicable as a team name. But while their owner may be hard to pin down, refusing to give press conferences or even appear in public, hidden behind the tinted glass of his luxury box at Joppaville Stadium, this is a team with a definite identity. That identity reflects the character of its Chesapeake roots: hard-working, blue-collar, and conservative.
This is a team that prides itself on grind-it-out football, featuring a strong 1-2 running punch and a defense full of big names. That strategy proved effective in Week 1, with the hard-charging Michael Turner (14) and the quicker, lighter Matt Forte (23) combining to flummox the Chachface defense on the ground. The defense, composed of Hall of Famer Ray Lewis, pass-rushing terror Ndamukong Suh, and up-and-comer Joe Haden (18 combined), lived up to their world-class pedigree, and Eli Manning (16) did what he is paid to do: manage the game. Lafollette's sole concession to the modern, high-flying style of offense, DeSean Jackson (18), did his part, but for the most part these Ducks were happy to waddle their way to victory, 114-78.
Week 2 would prove to be less fortunate, for though the running tandem once again carried the weight (39 combined for Turner and Forte), the lack of offense coming from the passing game (the receivers managed a mere 7 points between them) would end up as the team's undoing. Manning (14) was once again fine, but unspectacular, with most of his completions coming on short gains to tight end Dallas Clark (10). With the defense unable to generate any turnover scores, the limitations of this style of team were shown and Alligator Fuckhouse came away with the win, 118-93.
Displeased with the passing game, LaFollette made the radical move of bringing in Colt McCoy to start game 3. McCoy (14) did not come out any worse than Manning had the week prior, looking to especially be developing some rapport with Plaxico Burress (11), but Manning was clearly offended at having gotten the hook so early in the season, and lit up the bench (30 pts) to show his displeasure. Other than McCoy and Burress, no other individual Duck reached double figures, which is especially troubling for the rushing offense (10 total points) on which this team will rely this season. Will this 128-75 blowout loss to the Lower Loudoun Tribe be a blueprint for teams looking to contain the Ducks all year, or will it serve as the low point springboard for a team that has the style to be dangerous come playoff time?

NBD Team Reports - 9/22/11

2011-09-22T01:32:00.001-04:00

Faced with increased professional responibilities (I'm now the Union Rep at my school) and increased personal commitments (I've got a real, live girlfriend for the first time in recent memory), I've been forced to re-consider the amount of time I spend as Lassard every week. I also discovered, whilst writing last year's Years in Review, that it's a lot more interesting for me to write about each team with a kind of narrative arc than it is to simply re-cap games every week. With those factors in mind, I've decided to re-structure this blog a little bit. Every week this season, I'll be writing Team Reports, but not for every team in every league. Instead, I'll be rotating around, which gives me the opportunity to write a little bit less but take a more indepth look at what each team has done over a period of time, rather than just finding creative ways to say X scored __ points, Y scored ___ points, and the team won/lost. I'm starting this off with half of the NBD teams. I hope you enjoy it, and if you didn't get mentioned this week, rest assured that your time will come soon.

Buck Stops Here (Ray)
While most NBD followers fretted over this summer's lockout in fear of lost games and aimless autumn Sundays, the long-suffering fanbase of Buck Stops Here secretly rejoiced. After all, the longer it took for the players to return to the field, the greater the chance that BSH's doddering, senile owner, Ray Tarasovic, might succumb to Father Time, allowing the franchise to pass into the hands of a competent owner before another down of ugly football could be played. Alas, the players and owners came to agreement, and another hopeless season of Buck-Stopping commenced. Accustomed to years of outdated scouting techniques and shoddy drafting, BSH fans were shocked to see their senile owner select two competent running backs, Rashard Mendenhall and Matt Forte, in the first two rounds. Soon, though, they found themselves basking in the comfortable light of mediocrity as the ancient Tarasovic hitched his wagon to the Kansas City Chiefs, re-signing QB Matt Cassel and drafting his primary targets Dwayne Bowe and Jonathan Baldwin.
The foolishness of that strategy quickly became evident, as Cassel and Baldwin have already been cut. After a 2-point Week 1 performance, Bowe might have been on thin ice as well, but while BSH starter Mark Sanchez (19 pts) avoided Bowe, he did manage to connect with Plaxico Burress (13) and Jimmy Graham (12). That passing attack was well-balanced with a strong running performance by Matt Forte (22) and Reggie Bush (15), who managed to combine for a victory over the Sloppy Joe Pickle Pumpers, 92-87.
While the Sanchez-Burress connection was humming in Week 1, an injury to Plax left him unproductive in Week 2, forcing Sanchez (16) to utilize Bowe (11). With only one receiver to worry about, DadBowl opponent the Burke City Giants were able to focus their energies on slowing the considerable BSH rush attack, holding Mendenhall (14) and Forte (17) to reasonable numbers and utterly eliminating Bush's impact on the game (2). Despite a vast improvement in the kicking game - the Buck-Stoppers upgraded Adam Vinatieri to Nick Folk (12) - Tarasovic's squad lost a squeaker on Monday night, with his Giant Defense (13) barely losing out to Burke City's Giant offenders. Chalk up another nail-biter in the ongoing DadBowl series, 95-93.
Heading into Week 3, Ray will look to jump-start the offense by finally inserting powerhouse Steve Smith into the starting line-up and see if the presence of rookie QB Andy Dalton on the bench can spur Mark Sanchez into taking charge of this team.

Finga Sniffs (Kex)
Old-school Finga Sniffs fans have never forgiven owner Kevin Manning for uprooting the franchise years ago, famously sneaking moving trucks out of Burke's Harvester Stadium in the middle of the night and high-tailing it to the West coast. The departure of the team heralded an economic downturn for the entire Shiplett region, but the results for the team that left them behind have been, like their new Southern California digs, far sunnier. The Sniffs fared especially well this past off-season, when they secured the services of last year's pleasant surprises Peyton Hillis and Stevie Johnson for cents on the dollar, and locked up the second spot in the draft. While that second overall pick, Arian Foster, hasn't worked out yet due to injury concerns, it's only a matter of time til he returns to his past productivity. Fortunately, the Sniffs have not had to rely on the running game.
In Week 1, it was all passing for the Los Angelenos, as Tom Brady (36) had a record-setting Monday night lobbing the ball to Stevie Johnson (13) and Miles Austin (15). The aerial fireworks, however, were undercut by a pedestrian run attack (21 combined from Hillis and Fred Jackson) and an atrocious defensive and kicking effort (-3 total points from the injured Nate Kaeding and the Pittsburgh Steelers).
Having lost their opener to Moseley's Mask, 121-92, and with potential dissension in the locker room over the imbalance in effectiveness, the Sniffs season might have been over before it began. But with the veteran leadership of Brady on hand, the fiery Fingamen instead turned that turmoil into triumph, posting an absurd 160 points in their follow-up effort and trouncing a not-inconsiderable Stuffed Quahog performance (115). Brady (29) once again surgically dissected the defense, featuring Miles Austin (32) but also involving Johnson (16) and Dallas Clark (9). Foster (4) made an unimpressive return, but Hillis (22) and F-Jax (26) showed why the Sniffs can afford to be patient in returning their top runner.
Though they will likely be without Austin's services next week, the Fingamen will hope that the addition of Fred Davis to the line-up will give them the needed edge to take advantage of an 0-2 (and already reeling) Bunk's an Alcoholic squad.

Sloppy Joe Pickle Pumpers (Papkin)
Sloppy Joe Pickle Pumpers owner Sam Papkin managed (once again) to escape an off-season full of legal woes - including charges of sexual harassment, money laundering, dereliction of child support, and hygienic malfeasance - unscathed. But Commissioner Fauxdell, unlike a jury of the nearest anyone could find to Papkin's "peers," was not nearly as lenient, and punished the Pickle Pumpers by bumping them to the end of the draft. Fortunately for Pumpers fans, the cupboard was not entirely bare to begin with, with Mike Tolbert and Brandon Lloyd holding over from last year on the cheap.
Impressed by his new draftees in the shortened pre-season, Sam started the season with those two on the bench, and promptly learned that the chemistry between quarterback Matt Schaub (11) and top receiver Roddy White (6) still needed some time to develop. With nothing special happening on the ground, the Pumpers relied on a strong Baltimore Ravens Defense (22) to keep them in the game, but ultimately fell to the Buck Stops Here, 92-87.
In Week 2, Schaub (17) once again failed to connect significantly with White (8), but he found success in the short passing game, hooking up successfully with tight end Tony Gonzalez (20). The rushing game also got their legs under them, with first-rounder Michael Turner (21) proving his worth and Brandon Jacobs (13) ably supporting him. Despite a 20-point drop from the Ravens D (2), the Pumpers notched a victory over Hate My Aura, 102-96.
Week 3 should provide Schaub and White a strong opportunity to get on the same page, taking on the notoriously weak secondary of Woody's Warriors, but the Warriors are 0-2 and will be desparate for a win, so nothing is guaranteed.

Wild Stallions (DeYoung)
Used to the old-fashioned, button-down ways of reclusive owner Jon DeYoung, many NBD followers were surprised by the Wild Stallions' selections of a running back nicknamed "Shady" and a pretty-boy, tabloid fodder quarterback in the 2011 draft. Pressed to reconcile such picks from a franchise that had previously required players to conceal any visible tattoos and banned music recorded after 1972 from the locker room, DeYoung explained that "Wild Stallions football is good football, and them two boys are good football players." He then cocked his shotgun and insisted that all intruders had exactly 10 seconds to get off his secluded Wyoming property.
Sure enough, Tony Romo (20) and LeSean McCoy (26) showed up loaded for bear in Week 1, and led an effective Stallions attack. The rushing game, in particular, looked strong, with Tim Hightower (16) providing a nice Thunder element to McCoy's Lightning. Romo's primary target was Mike Williams (11), and their efforts combined with the ground attack was enough to overwhelm an unimpressive It's Blam-a-Lam squad, 109-86.
Week 2 brought another opportunity to tee off on a weak opponent, and once again Romo (22) and McCoy (24) led the way. Though Romo did not connect significantly to any of the Stallions receivers, he threw enough screens, swings, and dump-offs to McCoy, James Starks (12) and Hightower (11) to post another strong total. That proved more than enough to manhandle the Warriors, who managed only 55 points in the rout.
Off to a 2-0 start, the Stallions will face their first test in Week 3, squaring off against Philip Rivers, Adrian Peterson, and the rest of Moseley's Masked Men.

Stuffed Quahog (Elliott)
During the summer's labor negotiations between NBD players and owners, no owner was more instrumental in ending the lockout than Stuffed Quahog owner Elliott Toobin. As Players' Association representative Ken Simonton told reporters, "not a day - not an hour, even - went by when I didn't hear from E[lliott]. First, he'd e-mail me to schedule a meeting. Then, he'd text me to let me know that he'd e-mailed me. Then, he'd call me to explain some of the wording in the text he'd sent and make sure I hadn't taken offense. Then, when I'd e-mail him back about the meeting, he'd immediately respond to ask why I hadn't mentioned the text or the subsequent call about the text in the e-mail. Before long, the protection of our players' safety and securing guaranteed contracts took a back seat to simply keeping track of all the communications I had received from that [redacted]. To be perfectly honestly with you, even now, months after the negotiations ended, I still wake up to the phantom sound of my BlackBerry buzzing with another message."
An integral role in ending the lockout did not guarantee Stuffed Quahog a successful draft, though, and aside from Calvin Johnson and Antonio Gates, the Oysters entered the season largely devoid of star power.
Despite an apparent lack of firepower, the Quahog put up a respectable point total in Week 1 thanks to the afore-mentioned Megatron (21) and surprisingly strong contributions from Cedric Benson (18), the New York Jets Defens (18), and Neil Rackers (10). Those contributions, however, were like drops in the ocean when put up against Week 1 high scorer Dint Clidier, who easily handled the Stuffed Ones, 133-105.
Rex Grossman took over under center the following week, and notched a respectable 17 points, connecting with great success to Vincent Jackson (29) and CJ (15). Despite underwhelming outings from the running back corps, the Oysters managed another solid point total thanks again to the "extra" contributions of Rackers (11) and the Jets (19). But for the second straight week, Elliott's boys found themselves up against the week's biggest scorers, and lost handily to the Finga Sniffs, 160-115.
Having faced two powerhouses in two weeks, the Quahogs will welcome the opportunity to take on an injury-racked Blam-a-Lam unit in Week 3, but must contend with the Blam-a-Lammers determination to prove that they do, indeed, know what Ram Jam is saying after "Whoa-oh, Black Betty..."

Woody's Warriors (Woody)
Americans love an underdog. Since overcoming those haughty Redcoats back in '76, we've always rooted for the guy who didn't seem to have a chance but had a lot of heart, and perhaps that explains how Woody's Warriors have become America's Team. Because despite a truly horrific record of failure and yearly demonstrations of gross mismanagement, this franchise continues to generate love and admiration - if not respect or any remote semblance of fear - around the league. The chances they take - be it on a star receiver without a quarterback (Reggie Wayne), a running back returning from a season-ending injury (Ryan Grant), another back who everyone declared washed up two years ago (LaDainian Tomlinson), or a quarterback who's never made a full season (Matthew Stafford) - reflect the journey of their owner, a one-time whippit addict and compulsive liar who overcame his troubled past to take over a squad of loveable misfits.
Although Woody's pre-season trade of Ray Rice and Kenny Britt for Aaron Rodgers and Knowshon Moreno was much-maligned, Rodgers certainly held up his end of the bargain in Week 1, notching 25 points. But while Wayne (17) thrived with Rodgers under center, fellow receiver Jacoby Ford (0) clearly had yet to develop any rapport with the new acquisition. Rodgers' trademate Moreno (4) was ineffective, allowing the Hate My Aura defense to key on backfield mate Steven Jackson, limiting him to 12 points. With no other breakouts from the Warriors, the underdog label was ensured for another season with a 92-88 loss.
Just in case America got too excited by a mere 4-point deficit, Woody made sure to prove once again in Week 2 that his team has truly no business on a fantasy football field. Rodgers (22) was solid once again, and Mason Crosby (12) made a valiant effort from the kicker slot, but no other Warrior exceeded seven points, and most were well short of that. Oh, Woody.
Next week brings the Pickle Pumpers, a team that has scored less than all but three NBD franchises so far, giving us another chance to get our hopes up for a Warrior win, only to shake our heads lovingly afterwards, happily exclaiming... "Oh, Woody!"

BIFL '11 Possible Keepers

2011-08-26T09:42:00.000-04:00

As promised, here is a blog-post version of the possible keepers for BIFL '11:

Hollywood Meyers
RB DeAngelo Williams (1)
RB Maurice Jones-Drew (1)
WR Mike Sims-Walker (3)
WR Donald Driver (4)
WR Santana Moss (6)
QB Aaron Rodgers** (6)
RB Justin Forsettt (7)
WR Sidney Rice (17)

Dekker
RB Ray Rice* (1)
WR Randy Moss* (1)
QB Matt Schaub (2)
RB Jahvid Best (5)
TE Chris Cooley (6)
WR Dez Bryant (7)
RB Jamaal Charles* (7)
WR Terrell Owens (8)
QB Ben Roethlisberger (9)
DB Yeremiah Bell (14)

Fancy F
RB Steven Jackson (1)
WR Marques Colston (2)
WR Steve Smith PHI (3)
RB Cedric Benson* (3)
WR Percy Harvin (4)
RB Reggie Bush (5)
QB Jay Cutler* (5)
RB Darren McFadden (7)

Dick
WR Miles Austin (1)
WR Chad Ochocinco (3)
RB Joseph Addai (4)
WR Braylon Edwards (6)
TE Kellen Winslow (7)
RB Brandon Jacobs (8)
QB Donovan McNabb (9)
RB Thomas Jones (10)
K Ryan Longwell (13)

Sovic
RB Chris Johnson** (1)
WR Larry Fitzgerald (2)
WR Wes Welker (3)
TE Jermichael Finley (6)
WR Malcom Floyd (10)
RB Javon Ringer (13)

LaCklusterre
WR Reggie Wayne (1)
WR DeSean Jackson (2)
QB Philip Rivers (3)
RB Beanie Wells* (3)
RB Ronnie Brown (4)
RB Matt Forte (5)
WR Steve Breaston (8)
DB Charles Woodson (12)
DE Justin Tuck (15)

McNutt
WR Roddy White** (1)
RB Ryan Mathews (2)
QB Tony Romo (3)
WR Vincent Jackson (5)
RB LaDainian Tomlinson (7)
DE Julius Peppers (16)

Chalski
WR Calvin Johnson (1)
RB Knowshon Moreno* (2)
WR Pierre Garcon (3)
TE Vernon Davis (4)
QB Eli Manning (8)
QB Matt Ryan (9)
WR Derrick Mason (11)

Frogger
RB LeSean McCoy (2)
WR Anquan Boldin (3)
TE Antonio Gates (4)
RB Arian Foster (5)
WR Hakeem Nicks* (6)
WR Mike Williams TB (10)

Bardois
QB Tom Brady (2)
RB Jonathan Stewart (4)
RB CJ Spiller (5)
RB Ahmad Bradshaw (6)
RB Ricky Williams (7)
QB Kyle Orton (13)

Shoafing
WR Michael Crabtree (3)
WR Hines Ward (4)
RB Felix Jones (5)
RB Michael Bush (6)
WR Santonio Holmes (7)
WR Johnny Knox (9)
TE Zach Miller (10)
WR Austin Collie (11)

Souts
RB Shonn Greene (1)
WR Greg Jennings (2)
TE Dallas Clark (3)
QB Joe Flacco (4)
WR Mike Wallace (5)
WR Jeremy Maclin* (6)
WR Dwayne Bowe (6)
LB Patrick Willis (8)
RB Rashard Mendenhall* (9)

Let's all make some horrible decisions.

NBD 2011 Manifesto

2011-08-16T10:26:00.001-04:00

Welcome to another year of the Native Burke Dwellers Fantasy League. Here is everything you could ever want to know about the league this year:

Pay-In/Pay-Out
The entry fee this year is $122, which must be paid by the draft. Dues are payable via PayPal to sr.sovic@gmail.com or check sent to me at
401 Hicks Street
Apt B1E
Brooklyn, NY 11201

The pot total of $1,464 is distributed as follows:
$650 → League Champion
$300 → League Runner-Up
$150 → Regular Season Champ
$100 → League 3rd-Place Finisher
$20 (x13) → Weekly High Scorer
$4 → PayPal transaction fees

All payouts, including Weekly High Scorer awards, are distributed after the season has ended, and sometimes much later depending on the results of my most recent gambling venture.

The Draft
This year's draft will be held on Tuesday, August 30th at 8:45pm Eastern Time. We will be using the Yahoo! draft application. The draft order is as follows:
1) Screen
2) Manning
3) Sovic
4) Sherwood
5) Tarasovic
6) Toobin, the Elder
7) Colly
8) DeYoung
9) Haller, the Younger
10) Haller, the Elder
11) Toobin, the Younger
12) Papkin

The draft order will snake (1-12 in odd rounds, 12-1 in even rounds) and will last 15 rounds.

Rosters
Rosters will include starting positions of 1 Quarterback, 2 Wide Receivers, 2 Running Backs, 1 Wide Receiver/Running Back, 1 Tight End, 1 Kicker, 1 Defense/Special Teams Unit. Each team will have 6 Bench slots and 1 Injured Reserve Slot. To be eligible for the IR slot, a player must be actually declared on Injured Reserve by his NFL team, meaning he is inactive for the rest of the season, so that slot should be used only for potential keepers, not a guy who is missing a few weeks from a strained hammy.

Keepers
Each team is alloted 2 regular keeper slots. Any player can be kept who meets the following criteria:
*he was drafted after the first three rounds of the draft
*he was on the team roster as of the keeper/trade deadline and remained on the roster until the end of the season
*he was not kept the previous season
Players who were drafted and remained rostered for the entire season are kept in the same round they were drafted in the preceding year (i.e. If I drafted Eugene Tackleberry in the 5th round in 2010 and choose to keep him, he will count as my 5th-round pick in 2011). Players who were acquired via the waiver wire are treated as 15th-round selections and are kept there. In the instance that an owner has two keepers with the same round value, they are kept in the original round and one round earlier (i.e. If I want to keep Tackleberry in the 5th and I also traded for Elliott's 5th-round selection, Larvell Jones, and want to keep him, they would count as my 4th- and 5th-round selections in 2011).
In addition, each team is entitled to 1 extra keeper slot which can be used only on a rookie from the previous season. These keepers follow essentially the same rules as the regular keeper slot, except that they can be kept even if they were drafted in the first three rounds.
For a list of each team's eligible keepers for the 2011 season, please see this blog post.
Keepers must be declared to the Commissioner by Sunday, August 28th at 8:45pm (48 hours prior to the draft), but owners are highly encouraged to submit their keepers before then with the understanding that they can change them until the deadline. Keepers will be published to the league shortly after the deadline. If a declared keeper is injured between the declaration deadline and the draft, the owner may choose not to keep him, but cannot replace him with another keeper.

Waiver Wire
Our Waiver Wire operates on a Free Agent Auction Budget system, meaning that owners place silent bids on available players during the waiver period, with the player going to the highest bidder when he comes off waivers. Each owner starts with a budget of $100. $0 bids are permissable, and if a player comes off waivers without any bids, they can be acquired for free as free agents. As previously discussed, players acquired this way can be kept the following year as a 15th-rounder.

Scoring
Passing
25 yards = 1 point
touchdown = 4 points
interception = -1 point

Rushing & Receiving
10 yards = 1 point
touchdown = 6 points

All Offense
fumble = -2 points
2-point conversion = 2 points
offensive fumble return TD = 6 points

Kicking
field goals 0-49 yards = 3 points
field goals 50+ yards = 4 points
point after touchdown = 1 point

Defense/Special Teams
sack = 1 point
interception = 2 points
fumble recovery = 2 points
touchdown = 6 points
safety = 2 points
blocked kick = 2 points
kickoff/punt returned for td = 6 points
0 points allowed = 10 points
1-6 points allowed = 7 points
7-13 points allowed = 4 points
14-20 points allowed = 1 point
21-27 points allowed = 0 points
28-34 points allowed = -1 point
35+ points allowed = -4 points

Our league uses fractional scoring (i.e. 52 rushing yards yields 5.2 points).

Your Asses
Are mine. Let's get it started.

RIP Lt. Hightower

2011-08-04T13:13:00.001-04:00

Second only to the pain of a parent outliving his child is that of a Commandant outliving one of his cadets. Moses Hightower, you will be missed.

Love that second bounce.

Sleep well, sweet prince.

NBD - Season in Review Pt. 6

2011-01-27T17:19:00.001-05:00

The thousand and one inches of snow that Adonai has dumped on New York City this January finally resulted in an actual Snow Day today, affording me the chance to finally finish off these Seasonal Reviews. I hope y'all have been enjoying them so far and that you find yourself coming back to them in the long, dark months of the fantasy off-season to re-live your glorious/heinous 2010 seasons. And now, the champs:

Elliott~Sir Lucious Left Fut (10-3 / 1,189 pts / 1st Place Regular Season / 2nd Place Overall)
The Draft in Hindsight
Looking back over Elliott's 2009 roster, it's hard to remember how he managed a Third Place finish that season. Were Tom Brady, Reggie Wayne, Ricky Williams, and Steve Smith 2.0 really that good? Or was Elliott just lucky? Either way, Williams and Smith were at least values relative to their draft position/waiver wire cost, and they got the call to come back for 2010 (in the 10th and 15th rounds, respectively). That left E's team without a true RB1 or WR1 coming into the draft, so naturally in the first round he took... a QB. Aaron Rodgers was the 9th overall pick, the first quarterback off the board in our draft, and ended up as the third-highest overall scorer in fantasy (just a point behind Michael Vick). So certainly that selection paid off. Sir Lucious followed that up with the equally unassailable decision to return to the Reggie Wayne well. The third round is where things got tricky, as E realized there were no decent RBs still on the board. With Ricky Williams already under contract, he decided to gamble that, one way or another, the Dolphins running game was going to produce points, and took Ronnie Brown. Did that work out? Well, by season's end, Brown and Williams had scored a combined 218 points, equivalent to the production of one Rashard Mendenhall. Now obviously no one has the goal of needing two players to produce the value of one, but keeping in mind that that was the strategy Elliott was employing here, the results were not so bad. Of course, he also could have used his third round selection on Arian Foster, who went one pick later, and not had to worry about any of this. But that's easy to say in hindsight, I guess. Anyways: neither Dolphin ended up being Elliott's top rusher, as Thomas Jones (6th) remained stubbornly in front of Jamaal Charles on the Chiefs' depth chart. And who needs running backs anyway when you've got Antonio Gates (4th) destroying the league for the first half of the season before being slowed (again) by injury.

Key Transactions
Considering that Elliott won the regular season and finished second in the playoffs despite an iffy draft, you'd expect that he made some kind of blockbuster pick-up during the season. But looking over this transaction log, I'm not seeing anything particularly mind-blowing. The biggest part of Chico Dusty's inheritance money was spent acquiring Deion Branch (10/20, $40) after his return to the Patriots. Certainly, Branch's reunion with Tom Brady resulted in his best season since the last time he was catching balls from Tom Terrific, but he only had three double-digit weeks as a Left-Futter, so it's not like he made a huge contribution. Adding Sam Bradford (10/23, $10) was a nice move, especially in consideration of future keeping, but with Rodgers on the roster, Bradford was only ever going to see playing time on bye weeks or in the case of an occasional concussion. So... yeah. There's not a lot to see here. Ultimately what we have here is a team with decent talent that didn't actually score a lot of points but managed to keep winning games. You can call it luck, or you can call it quality management. I call it fantasy.

Crucial Victories and Crushing Defeats
As noted, this team did not score a lot of points. In fact, despite having the best record (10-3) of any NBD team, they were actual sixth overall in terms of points scored, and averaged about three and a half more points per game than the 1-12 Buck Stops Here. Naturally, that entails some low-scoring wins, and since that is kind of the story of Elliott's season, I'm going to give the Crucial Victory tab to SLLF's lowest-scoring win: a 77 - 69 defensive slugfest in Week 8. Of course, it's not just the paltry point total that makes this a crucial victory, but the fact that it came at the expense of Haller's Emailarrhea, ensuring that Elliott finished the season atop the league (Haller finished one game back at 9-4). The Left-Futters' top scorer was Antonio Gates (18), with only two other players (Lance Moore and Ricky Williams, 11 each) in double figures. Aaron Rodgers (7) had his worst outing of the year to that point, and as far as I know it was the worst of his career. None of that is pretty, but that suits the 2010 Sir Lucious Left Fut, who repeatedly built something out of nothing.
As far as Crushing Defeats, I've mostly been sticking to regular season games, but it seems silly not to acknowledge that for Elliott and Matt, obviously the biggest game of the year was the Biggest Game of the Year, the NBDBowl. I'll go into the details of that game in the Emailarrhea write-up below.

The Playoff Run
After two straight losses in Weeks 9 and 10, Sir Lucious Left Fut used Week 11 to get themselves back on the winning track that would lead them to a regular season championship and beyond. Up against the Warriors of Woody, whose Maurice Jones-Drew notched an impressive 25 points, Sir Lucious put up a team-wide effort led by Aaron Rodgers (30). Thomas Jones (19) and Reggie Wayne (17) were also fired up by the shellacking they received the previous weeks at the hands of Papkin, and took their frustrations out on the Warriors. With the rest of the team putting up respectable numbers, SLLF rolled to an easy victory, 114 - 93.
Week 12 wasn't nearly as impressive for the Left Futters, but it hardly needed to be as they were taking on This Team Here is Dead, who confirmed their name by putting up one of the uglier performances in recent NBD memory. Rodgers (27) and Deion Branch (23) alone would have beaten this collection of losers, who could only manage 44 total points thanks to 0-fers by Michael Bush and Malcom Floyd and negative-three by the Detroit Defense. Why anyone would play the Detroit Defense against New England is a mystery to me. This reeks so badly of collusion, it's a wonder that Elliott didn't send me an e-mail complaining about it. Anyways, in comparison to Derek's paltry output, E's 81 points look positively staggering.
Week 13 brought Elliott the possibility of sewing up $150 of regular season championship money, and like any good Jew, he did not let the chance of getting his hands on some cash pass him by. Greg Jennings (24) and the rest of the Finga Sniffs made a decent effort at keeping the Left-Futters from the title, but Rodgers (28) and Wayne (26) would not be denied. With Branch (12) and TJ (11) also pitching in, Sir Lucious kept their loss total at three, guaranteeing them the regular season title and, perhaps just as importantly, a first round playoff bye.
While most teams return from a bye week rested and refreshed, SLLF team leader Aaron Rodgers came into the second round of the playoffs with a concussion, forcing rookie Sam Bradford into service. Unaccustomed to the spotlight and pressures of the post-season, Bradford looked like a rookie out there, tallying only five points. Naturally, his inexperience had deleterious effects on the receivers as well, with Wayne and Branch combining for a mere seven points. The running backs (TJ - 14, Ronnie Brown - 10) were a little more help, but the man who really saved the day and won the game for Sir Lucious was Vincent Jackson, who exploded for 29 points after virtually an entire season of rest. In the irony of all ironies, this explosion came at the expense of Papkin's Missing 3 Jacksons squad, who had attempted to trade for V-Jax's services earlier in the season, only to see the trade thwarted by league vote.
When I was big into comic books as a kid, I used to read these "What If?" comics that re-imagined the Marvel Universe if some pivotal moment had gone differently. Some day, I will go back and write a "What If?" post about what would have happened if this trade had gone through, but in this (fantasy) reality, what happened is: Elliott made it to the NBDBowl on Vincent Jackson's back.

Um... They'd have a parade, I guess?

What the Future Holds
Assuming that Antonio Gates regains his health, it would be hard to justify not keeping him in the 4th round next year. Through eight weeks of this season, he had scored 120 points. That's about the same scoring rate as Eli Manning or Jay Cutler, and it's coming from your tight end spot. That's fucking awesome. Joining Mr. Gates next season could be Vincent Jackson (5th), who would presumably provide more than one game of value like he did this season, or Thomas Jones (6th) if he keeps clinging to playing time. Did the Chiefs fire Todd Haley? That could be bad news for TJ. Then of course there is Sam Bradford (15th) who was picked up off the waiver wire and is arguably a starting fantasy QB next year. As a rookie, he could be a third keeper, although I kind of feel like the original intent of that rule was for the player to have been drafted, not waiver wired. Looking back at last year, though, I see that we allowed Papkin to keep Pierre Garcon (a free agent) with his rookie slot and I did the same with Bernard Scott, so I guess the rookie rule extends to pick-ups. Sometimes rules change because we have a ton of discussion and a big vote. Sometimes they change because I forget some shit and nobody notices or cares. I much prefer the latter.

Matt~Emailarrhea (9-4 / 1,304 pts / 2nd Place Reg Season / 1st Place Overall)
The Draft in Hindsight
2010 got off to a good start for Emailarrhea thanks to some wise choices in 2009. LeSean McCoy (5th), Mike Wallace (14th) and Jermichael Finley (15th) were all projected to break out (or continue their breakouts from the previous season) in 2010, and none of them disappointed, though an injury did cut short Finley's coming-out party. Relying on Wallace's potential as a top receiver, Haller used three of his first four picks backing up Shady at the running back spot. Though Ray Rice (1st) may not have quite lived up to his draft spot, he certainly wasn't a huge disappointment as the 11th-best running back this season. And with Matt Forte (3rd) returning to form and Joseph Addai (4th) maintaining his usual adequacy, the Emailers found themselves with great depth at the position, enabling the trade that would complete the championship core (see below). With the selection he didn't use on rushers, Haller took Roddy White (2nd), who was merely the third-best receiver in fantasy this season. Matt rounded out the starters with Eli Manning (6th) and immediately backed him up with Matt Ryan (7th). Beyond that, none of the chances Haller took in the latter half of the draft really panned out, but yeah: you show me a starting roster of Eli, Ray Rice, LeSean McCoy, Matt Forte, Roddy White, Mike Wallace, and Jermichael Finley at the beginning of the 2010 season and I buy that they could win a championship.

Key Transactions
Of course, even a strong roster requires some tweaks and adjustments as the season progresses, and Emailarrhea could hardly be accused of sitting on their laurels. When Finley went down, Haller was forced to scramble a bit, rotating through Visanthe Shiancoe, Todd Heap, and Owen Daniels. But the long-term replacement, Marcedes Lewis (10/13, $4) provided several weeks of fantasy usefulness. Recognizing his depth at running back and quarterback, Haller decided to try to turn two good players into one great one, and eventually consummated a trade with me that sent Matt Forte and Matt Ryan to McClusterfuck in exchange for franchise quarterback Drew Brees. Last year, I traded Vernon Davis to Papkin and ended up feeling like a complete schmuck when Davis blew up for him. This year, I could feel bitter about trading Haller what turned out to be the final piece to his championship puzzle, but I find myself surprisingly satisfied with it. Regardless of Haller's success, I have very little doubt that getting Forte and Ryan was good for my team overall, and I feel kind of proud that a McClusterfucker won the league, even if he had to escape the black hole that is my roster in order to do so. Anyways, the trade opened up a spot on Haller's squad for a backup running back, a spot that was soon filled by Chris Ivory (10/1, $0). Ivory not only lent the team its name (Chris Ivory's Black) for a while, he also provided them with some solid fantasy numbers, including a three-week stretch at the end of the regular season where he put up 55 points. The biggest expenditure of the season was more like a one-week rental, with Haller acquiring Blair White (12/22, $25) for the championship game, in which he ended up riding the pine. I'm sure his cheering from the sidelines was instrumental in the win, though.

Crucial Victories and Crushing Defeats
From the perspective of someone who's just won the league, it's hard to imagine any losses being particularly "crushing." But though he won the NBDBowl, to claim true league domination (and some extra money), Haller would have had to win the regular season crown as well, a feat he missed by just one win. With that in mind, any of his four losses could qualify as a crushing defeat. Naturally, the most crushing would be the one he was closest to winning: I speak, of course, of the two and a half point loss he suffered in Week 3 to none other than yours truly, the McClusterfuck. In that game, Jeremy Maclin (20) and Matt Ryan (20), in his last game for Haller's squad, gave the team strong performances that were backed up by Roddy White (13), and Sebastian Janikowski (12). McClusterfuck had built a 103-point Sunday total thanks to big days by Austin Collie (29) and Drew Brees (25), but Haller found himself only 19 points down with Jermichael Finley and Matt Forte to play on Monday night. Finley (12) did his part, but Forte (4) failed to show up, and one loss and two days later, found himself being shipped out of Emailarrheaville. Haller never looked back.
And now it comes time to tell the tale of the NBDBowl, a game which is undeniably Emailarrhea's most Crucial Victory. Like the Week 3 game, it came down to the last game of the week and was decided by less than three points, but this time with Haller on the other side of the outcome. For the most part, the Sir Lucious Left Fut players seemed to have little awareness that their play was deciding the fate of the NBD championship and year-long bragging rights in what's known as the Cherry Run Corridor. Reggie Wayne, Deion Branch, Thomas Jones, Vincent Jackson: shitters, one and all. But as he was all season, Aaron Rodgers (35) was there to pick up the slack, with some unexpected help from Kellen Winslow (22). That was enough to put Elliott at 88 points with a 43-point lead after the conclusion of the Sunday games. Sounds like a safe lead, right? But as you may remember, this was going down the week that the Minneapolis Minneapodome was imploding*, and not only did Haller have guys going in the Monday Night game, but he also had several players in the unprecedented Tuesday Night game. The Monday Nighters were some big guns, and had the potential to close that gap all by themselves, but while both Roddy White (10) and Drew Brees (14) were decent, neither had the explosive night that would have iced it for Haller. That left it to a trio of Eagles - Jeremy Maclin, LeSean McCoy, and the Defense - to win it for Emailarrhea. Neither Maclin nor McCoy would go on to score a touchdown, and the Philly D gave up 24 points in an embarrassing loss to the bottom-dwelling Vikings, but none of that mattered to Haller. With a combined 21 points, they scored just enough to bring Matt his second NBD title in three years and give all of us our second straight nail-biting, down-to-the-last second NBDBowl.

*If you watch that Fox video of the Metrodome explosion, note how Pam Oliver's weave resembles the tattered, billowing remnants of the Metrodome's ruined roof. Do you think they did that on purpose? I hope so.

The Playoff Run
It feels somewhat anti-climactic to go through the details of Weeks 11-15 after narrating the exciting championship, but our champion certainly deserves no less attention than I've given anyone else in these write-ups, so here we go:
As I wrote in the Wild Stallions Review, Week 11 served as a sort of pivot point for the season, with last year's winner handing off the torch by losing to this year's eventual champ. The Stallions put up a decent fight, especially Phil Rivers (25), but with every offensive Emailer scoring in double figures, including 29 from Brees and 20 from McCoy, the flood of points was simply too much to overcome. Emailarrhea scored a dominant victory, 132 - 94.
The next week brought a far more modest showing from Emailarrhea, but thanks to the ineptness of their opponent, Buck Stops Here, it didn't cost them a win. Gone was the dominance of Week 11, with a mediocre day by Brees (17) and unspectacular outings by Rice (13), McCoy (12), and Maclin (11) resulting in a total of 75 points. Fortunately, when you're playing against a team where five players can combine for seven points (as Terrell Owens, Tim Hightower, Anquan Boldin, John Carlson, and Adam Vinatieri did), 75 is plenty.
The last week of the regular season brought a chance to take the regular season crown, but the Emailers were caught napping, lured in by the ease of Week 12's easy win. The Burke City Giants were wide awake, with scoring across the board that was led by their troika of running backs: Arian Foster (23), Ahmad Bradshaw (23) and Jamaal Charles (14). Shady (25) and Brees (20) tried to rally the rest of the 'Rhea, but it was too little, too late as Haller fell 117 - 85 and watched the regular season crown slip away.
A 9-4 record, however, was good enough to earn the Emailers a first round bye, and the week off to rest and scout their opponent clearly paid off. All season long, Colly's team had been posting some ridiculous totals thanks to the explosiveness of his Michael Vick-DeSean Jackson. And while Vick did go off to the tune of 40 points in Week 15, Haller was ready for the onslaught. Other than Jason Witten (20), who put up his biggest day of the year, Emailarrhea was able to limit the rest of Sex with a Pharaoh's scorers, while putting up some big numbers of their own. When all was said and done, Ray Rice (35) had nearly equaled Vick, Brees (22) had counteracted Witten's effectiveness, and the rest of Haller's squad put it all together to coast to a 133 - 93 victory and a berth in the NBDBowl.

What the Future Holds
Two championships in three years is impressive. Three championships in four years is a dynasty. Haller will be chasing that goal next year, but he'll have to do it without most of the engine of this year's winning squad. Brees, White, McCoy, Rice, and Wallace were all either kept this year or drafted too highly to keep, meaning that options are limited. Marshawn Lynch (15th) had one of the most memorable runs in post-season history, but one of the least memorable seasons in fantasy. A more likely free agent running back keeper is Chris Ivory (15th), but assuming Pierre Thomas returns for the Saints, I've got no idea what his situation will be. He could go with Eli Manning (6th), but has anyone ever been excited about keeping Eli? That leaves Jeremy Maclin (5th) as the only "lock" to return from the championship roster. Maclin's success was relatively quiet this year, but he did finish 14th among all wide receivers, and that certainly seems worthy of a 5th-round value, right?

So anyways: Congratulations, Haller. Celebrate now, while you can. Come September, eleven other owners (including a newcomer! exciting!) will be gunning for your crown, all with the foolish belief that some magazine they read or spreadsheet they make or website they visit will give them the keys to victory, when in fact it's mostly just dumb luck.
That is, of course, if there's an NFL season in 2011. If not, well maybe I'll use the fall to do something productive with my life. Anyone got any ideas?

NBD - Season in Review Pt. 5

2011-01-17T21:43:00.000-05:00

Sam~Missing 3 Jacksons (8-5 / 1,251 pts / 4th Place Reg Season / 4th Place Overall)
The Draft in Hindsight
Papkin's 2009 team was nothing special, finishing in 9th place at 5-9, but they did make several savvy pick-ups and trades during the season that allowed them some quality keepers heading into 2010. Pierre Garcon, Vernon Davis, and (especially) Hakeem Nicks were great values at the end of the draft, and allowed Sam some flexibility early in the draft. It's a good thing, too, because Sam's draft ended up really sucking. It's hard to ever go wrong with Steven Jackson in the first round, especially in a season where he actually managed to start all 16 games, but after that it was a mess. Ryan Grant looked like a great pick in the 2nd round, but when he ~~was shot and killed~~ injured his ankle just eight rushes into the season, it immediately became a waste of a top selection. Chad Ochocinco (3rd) and Steve Smith 1.0 (4th) were always uninspired choices, and they proved to be even less effective than their advanced age would have you predict. Carson Palmer (7th) was this team's first quarterback selected, and though I didn't watch a single Bengals game this season, it seems like every columnist and blogger I read each Monday or Tuesday felt a vigorous and almost personal hatred for the putridity of Palmer's play. So how did this team achieve any level of success? Well, a couple of free agent pick-ups worked out well (which we'll get to in a moment), and Nicks' emergence as a top receiving talent (pre-injury) helped, but so did two late-rounder draft choices. Fred Jackson (8th) and Kyle Orton (11th) turned into home runs for Papkin, vastly out-playing their draft positions and emerging as leaders on a team where the expected captains crumpled into the fetal position at the first sign of difficulty.

Key Transactions
Despite the early loss of Ryan Grant, Papkin did not panic and waste a ton of money picking up his replacement, Brandon Jackson. Well, actually, he probably did try to do that, but didn't throw enough money out there to outbid Manning. Instead, he got Mike Tolbert ($42, 9/22) a week later, and ended up getting much more bang for his buck. Although he was no Peyton Hillis, Tolbert ended up among the top twenty fantasy running backs for the season and provided the 3-Jacks with plenty of useful weeks. An even more successful pick-up, for significantly less money, was the move that paired Papkin's QB, Kyle Orton, with his favorite receiver, Brandon Lloyd ($13, 9/29). Lloyd finished as the top receiver in fantasy football this season. Holy fuck that can't be true, can it? I'm going to type it again: Brandon Lloyd finished as the top receiver in fantasy football this season. Still feels awful and untrue, and yet Yahoo tells me that it is so, and Yahoo never lies (except about positional elibility; see: DeYoung's Key Transactions write-up). Anyways, between Lloyd and Nicks, Sam had two of the top seven receivers this season, and speaking as someone who did not have a receiver inside of the top 16, that must have been pretty awesome for him.
Also, since I am writing this re-cap for posterity, I would be remiss if I didn't mention the big trade fiasco that Papkin was involved in this season. A lot of argument ensued, and a lot of nerves were frayed, so I will do this with absolutely no editorializing and report simply the facts: on November 6th, Sam attempted to trade Steven Jackson to Elliott for Ronnie Brown, Vincent Jackson, and a draft pick in the 2011 draft (I don't remember at the moment which round, but 5th/6th sounds about right). This trade was vetoed by the league.

Crucial Victories and Crushing Defeats
Wow, looking back on the season for these re-caps has made me realize a lot of stuff I didn't notice while the season was ongoing. Like, did you all realize that Papkin won seven straight games in Weeks 8-14? That's damned impressive. These were no flukes, either, with the 3-Jacks averaging 107 points per game over that stretch. The most impressive of those victories came at the expense of regular season champ (and would-be trade partner) Sir Lucious Left Fut, in Week 10. The offensive onslaught began with the Orton-Lloyd connection, combining for 49 points, and continued with the Jackson 2, with Fred tallying 27 and Steven racking up 21. Even Chad Ochocinco (15) and the Defense and Special Teams (Philly, 13; David Akers, 11) got in on the act and pushed the 3-Jacks to a season-high 151 points, enough to outscore Elliott by about 90. Woof.
While Papkin's team enjoyed a long win streak and a respectable 4th-place finish in both the regular season and the playoffs, there is one ignominy that belongs to them and them alone from the 2010 season. Though we did not know it at the time, we all had a chance to witness something rare and beautiful this year, and Papkin ruined it for all of us way back in Week 3. I am speaking, of course, of the winless season, an accomplishment very nearly pulled off by Ray Tarasovic and his Buck Stops Here squad, but one that was lost forever thanks to Sam's pitiful effort. Granted, it would have taken an impressive performance to overcome the 132 points scored by the Buck-Stoppers, but Papkin's team - which at the time was called "Lion Tastes Good" - didn't even put up a fight. S-Jax was the "high" scorer with 12 points, which tells you about all you need to know about this 132 - 55 trouncing. The bright side of this: whenever Sam wins the league next (it'll happen eventually), he'll show up at the next year's draft full of pompous asshattery, and we'll be able to deflate him by reminding him of the time he couldn't beat the team that lost every other game that season.

The Playoff Run
As noted earlier, the second half of the season was a string of wins for Papkin, and that obviously includes the lead-up to the playoffs. In Week 11, fantasy surprise Ryan Fitzpatrick provided 27 points in an attempt to kick-start the flailing This Team Here is Dead, but appartently forgot to tell his teammates that they weren't Dead yet. Only one of Derek's other players made it into double figures - LaDainian Tomlinson (11) - and that was never going to give them a chance against the rushing onslaught of Fred Jackson (25) and Mike Tolbert (21). Those two paced the 3-Jacks, who were also helped by Brandon Lloyd (14) and the Defense and Special Teams (25 combined from David Akers and Green Bay), leading them to a 110 - 77 victory.
Week 12 brought a stronger opponent, but a similar result. The Finga Sniffs' Peyton Hillis (37) put up his last monstrous day of the season, but like Fitzpatrick the week before did not quite get enough support to surmount the strengthening Missing 3 Jacksons squad. Fred Jackson and Tolbert were only slightly less effective than the week before (40 pts combined) but they were picked up by the Orton-Lloyd connection, who pitch-and-catched their way to 46 points. That was enough to give Papkin a tight win, 116 - 111.
Despite a lag in offense in Week 13, Missing 3 Jacksons managed to continue their impressive win streak thanks to the pitiful performance of the Wild Stallions, grinding out an ugly 83 - 60 victory. Vernon Davis (19), Steven Jackson (18), and Pierre Garcon (13) were Papkin's high scorers, and while none of those numbers is terrifically impressive, they didn't really need to be against a team that was led by Philip Rivers' 15-point performance. Even a mere 6-point day from the Orton-Lloyd connection couldn't keep the 3-Jacks from continuing their roll into the playoffs.
The playoffs would kick off with a reprise of that same match-up, and once again the Wild Stallions pretty much laid out the red carpet in front of Missing 3 Jacksons for a walk to the second round of the post-season. Rivers once again tallied 15, and the New England Defense posted a solid 20, but the rest of the Stallions came up lame. On Papkin's side of the ball, Orton and Lloyd were just as ineffectual as in the week before, but every other 3-Jacker reached double-figures, leading to a well-balanced attack that put the game away easily, 99 - 68. The roll call in this triumph: Garcon (21), Tolbert (14), Davis (13), Akers (13), F-Jax (12), S-Jax (11), Green Bay (10).
The Final Four is never a great time to be monkeying with your line-up, but after two straight lousy weeks and a rib injury to Orton, Papkin decided to move away from the combo that had brought him so much success throughout the season. Half of that move worked out alright, with replacement QB Jason Campbell posting a respectable 15 points. Leaving Lloyd (and his 14 points) on the bench, however, was probably not the greatest move, especially in light of Pierre Garcon's underwhelming day (4 pts). Combine that with the fact that no 3-Jacker scored more than 16 points (Steven Jackson), and you have a recipe for a loss in the Semi-Finals. The architect of that loss? None other than Elliott Toobin and his Sir Lucious Left Fut team, whom Papkin had defeated so soundly back in Week 10 (remember that, like 9 paragraphs ago?). The high scorer for the Left Futted ones? Vincent Jackson (29), who would have been 3-Jacker if the trade had gone through. Crazy.
The bad news continued in Week 16, as Papkin's boys couldn't seem to get motivated for the 3rd-place game, despite the $100 prize attached. The much-vaunted three-headed running attack of Jackson, Jackson and Tolbert was a disappointment, with the Jacks combining for 20 points and Tolbert taking two of those away with some negative scoring. Campbell (14) was okay again, as was Hakeem Nicks (15), but that wasn't enough to get it done against Colly's line-up of Michael Vick (22), Adrian Peterson (17), and Miles Austin (16). After seven straight wins, the Missing 3 Jackson season ended with a pair of losses, this one at 97 - 69.

What the Future Holds
Despite his final ranking as the top receiver in fantasy this year, I would be shocked to see Brandon Lloyd atop anyone's pre-season rankings next season. He just has too strong a history of lousiness and not a long enough history of reliability. That said, he'll undoubtedly be one of the top values in next year's draft, assuming Papkin keeps him in the 15th round. We could very well see him joined at the end of the draft by fellow waiver wire pick-up Mike Tolbert, or re-united with partner Kyle Orton (11th), although with new management, a new coach, and Tim Tebow in the wings, who knows what Orton's situation will be with the Broncos next year, or even if it'll be with the Broncos. Another decent option for Papkin will be Fred Jackson (8th), although with Papkin traditionally putting emphasis on value, it'd be hard to see him keeping Jackson there over the slightly inferior - but far cheaper - Tolbert. Either way, Missing 3 Jacksons will enter 2011 with some pretty decent talent under contract and at a reasonable price. That's always a good situation to be in.

Joe~Sex with a Pharaoh (7-6 / 1,321 points / 6th Place Reg Season / 3rd Place Overall)
The Draft in Hindsight
After his second-place finish last year, you'd expect Colly to have some quality holdover players. You wouldn't expect him to have a high draft pick. And yet he managed both, thanks to an incredibly lucky drawing in the summer's draft lottery. That allowed Joe to enter the year with a great pair of receivers already on his roster (DeSean Jackson, 5th, and Miles Austin, 15th) and guaranteed one of the top two running backs to add to them. With Manning taking Chris Johnson 1st overall, that left Adrian Peterson (who ended up out-scoring CJ) to join the Sex with a Pharaoh roster and build an incredibly strong foundation with Jackson and Austin. In the next few rounds, Colly added tailback depth by grabbing Knowshon Moreno (2nd) and hoping to find the next big thing in Jahvid Best (3rd). The next few picks were spent solidifying Colly's NFC East connections, with Jason Witten (4th) and Kevin Kolb (6th) rounding out the starting spots for SwaP. The rest of Colly's draft was filled with handcuffs (Toby Gerhart, 10th; Javon Ringer, 11th), coulda-beens who never were (Devin Aromashodu, 7th; Steve Breaston, 8th; Legadu Naanee, 14th), and the typical late-round defensive/kicker fodder. None of them would really pan out, but it wouldn't matter much since Cletus is a waiver wire jockey nonpareil.

Key Transactions
Perhaps it should not surprise us that a man who spends so much of his professional and personal life on the internet should be such an active fantasyist, adding and dropping more frequently than any other NBDer. Though the Colly transaction log is a sea of information to dive into, one of the first waves encountered is clearly the biggest. When Kevin Kolb went down with a concussion in the first week, Colly did not hesitate to replace him with Michael Vick (9/15, $6), and it didn't take much to get him. I guess the rest of us thought that Vick's success in the second half of that first game was a fluke, but considering that Vick finished as the top quarterback in fantasy despite sitting out for four games, I'm gonna go ahead and say we were wrong. Speaking of those missed games, the Pharaoh-Fuckers always made sure they had some QB insurance, making good short-term use of Josh Freeman (9/22, $5) and Shaun Hill (10/6, $11). Many of SwaP's other pick-ups were similarly useful only in short-term fill-in situations, though a few (like Kenny Britt, 10/13, $8) were briefly spectacular, while others seem to have been trivial even to their owner (see: Steve Breaston, added 10/20 at 3:49am, dropped again that same day at 4:16pm). Sex with a Pharaoh's most expensive free agent pick-up of the year never actually played a down for them, but Colly may have picked up James Starks (12/8, $36) simply to keep any of his playoff opponents from getting their mitts on him. Or to be able to make Tony Starks/Ghostface Killah references. You never know.

Crucial Victories and Crushing Defeats
Interesting fact: not one of SwaP's seven regular season victories was close. Their narrowest margin of victory was 16 points, and most were significantly higher. This team was a roller coaster, with four weeks scoring 76 points or lower, and five at 120 or higher. What does all this mean? Basically, that Sex with a Pharaoh, like Colly in bed*, was a volatile commodity, leading to several steamroller victories and a handful of embarrassing losses. Though hardly one of those blowouts, surely the most emotionally satisfying win of the season must have been Week 11's 101 - 72 win over the Wild Stallions. After last year's down-to-the-last-play NBDBowl, where DeYoung just barely edged Colly for the championship, the 2010 season kicked off with another tight game (77 - 73) between those two and another loss for Joe's team. Finally, in Week 12, the Swappers had their revenge. With the Stallions starting to swoon heading into the post-season, Sex with a Pharaoh was only picking up steam. The holdovers from last season's team, Miles Austin and DeSean Jackson, were not terribly impressive (17 combined), but newcomer Michael Vick (25) recognized the importance of this game to his team's psyche and brought the pain. He was joined by Knowshon Moreno (16), in the midst of a streak of five games of 15+ points. With significant contributions from Adrian Peterson (13) and the 49ers' D (12), Colly finally overcame his nemesis in a victory that would springboard him to playoff success and accelerate DeYoung's end-of-season descent.
If that triumph served as an emotional release for Cletus, then surely the Week 3 loss to Michael's Burke City Giants must have been the most frustrating of the season. SwaP put a ton of points on the board, seeing enormous days out of Michael Vick (33), Adrian Peterson (31) and DeSean Jackson (22), but despite all that scoring, they couldn't quite overcome the Giants. Michael's squad got contributions from every corner, including Peyton Manning (25), Randy Moss, Ahmad Bradshaw, and the Philadelphia Defense (16 each), allowing them to eke by the Pharaohs with a tiny 3-point margin of victory despite not boasting as solid individual performances.

*look I'm just saying what I heard.

The Playoff Run
Though Colly's team was generally dominant over the second half of the season, Week 11 saw them run into a brick wall known as the Finga Sniffs. Had the Sniffers scored one more point that week, they would have actually doubled the Swappers' total, but as it is they had victory pretty well in hand, 151 - 76, so they probably figured that would have been overkill. Only Vick (20), Moreno (18), and Austin (13) bothered to show up that week, whereas Manning's guys were all there with bells on. Greg Jennings (33), Stevie Johnson (32), John Kitna (28), and Peyton Hillis (20) turned this one into a massacre, and would have won pretty handily all by themselves. At least the Pharaohs didn't waste too much energy in a game that would have been nearly impossible to win anyway.
Week 12's exploits have been covered in the Crucial Victories section above, so I'll just move on to Week 13, when Colly defeated Ray's Buck Stops Here for the second time this season. This victory was more decisive than the first, ending 123 - 92. Though Truman looked on approvingly as Anquan Boldin (18), Tashard Choice (16) and Wes Welker (14) led the Buck-Stoppers to their highest point total since the first match-up between these teams, they were no match for the unstoppable combo of Vick (30) and Peterson (29). With 18 more coming from Moreno, SwaP's place in the playoffs was secured.
Though Sex with a Pharaoh entered the post-season as the sixth seed, their regular season point total (best in the league) should have provided some clue that they were destined to have some success. Sure enough, round one's opponent, the Burke City Giants, were dispatched with relative ease. The rushing crew that Michael had relied on so consistently throughout the regular season finally let him down, and when you're taking on the lethal Vick-to-Jackson combo (52 together in Week 14) you need your engine to be humming. With Jason Witten (19) and Moreno (18) also having strong outings, this turned into a romp for Colly, who won 106 - 87.
Round 2, however, brought a more formidable opponent in the form of eventual league champion Emailarrhea. Despite 40 points from Vick, Colly could not overcome an 0-fer from Adrian Peterson and equally poor performances from Moreno and Best (1 each). 20 from Jason Witten helped make up for that a little, but with Haller's Ray Rice (35) exploding for his biggest day of the season, Drew Brees (22) doing his usual thing, and four other Emailers reaching double figures, the crushing wave of offense was too much to overcome, and Colly saw his championship hopes sink.
There was one more game to be played, however, for the rights to Third Place. As was documented in Papkin's write-up (just before this one), Missing 3 Jacksons didn't really show up, and the Pharaoh-Fuckers did. Scroll on back up there for more details.

What the Future Holds
Well call me a prophet, a soothsayer, or what have you, but I'm pretty sure Colly will be keeping Michael Vick in the 15th round next year. Seems like a decent value. The question mark is where he'll be playing (he's a free agent, right?) and who'll be joining him on Joe's roster. Braylon Edwards and Kenny Britt, also waiver wire 15th-rounders, would be solid values, and even with Vick and one of those, Colly would have the option of keeping rookie Jahvid Best in the 3rd round. Best struggled with turf toe this season, but if he can get over that it seems like he's probably worth holding on to. The other option floating out there is Jason Witten in the 4th, who is always dependably solid but could also probably be had in that round without being kept.

NBD - Season in Review, Pt. 4

2011-01-12T21:30:00.000-05:00

OK, we've dispensed with the shitters, now it's time to start looking into the teams that really mattered this season: the contenders.

Michael~Burke City Giants (9-4 / 1,287 pts / 3rd Place Reg Season / 6th Place Overall)
The Draft in Hindsight
With a team that out-scored any other during last year's regular season, it should be no wonder that Michael Toobin sought to re-create the 2009 BC Giants as much as possible in 2010. That starts, of course, with keepers, and Michael had a solid pair in final-rounders Brent Celek and Jamaal Charles, who at the time was projected 14th among running backs and ended up finishing 3rd in total RB points scored. Not bad for a 14th-rounder. But the carryover from last season did not end with the keepers. In 2009, Burke City took Randy Moss in the first round and Peyton Manning in the second. And in 2010... Burke City took Randy Moss in the first round and Peyton Manning in the second. It's hard to argue with those traditionally dependable fantasy options, but it left Michael with only a timeshare running back in Charles and the first two rounds of backs off the table. What kind of shitter would the Giants end up with in the third? I'll give you a hint: he scored about 90 points more than the second-best running back this season. That's right, Arian Foster, who set the fantasy world on fire this year and out-scored even the top quarterbacks in the league, was a third round selection. Running backs selected earlier in that round include Jonathan Stewart and Ronnie Brown. Whoops!
Of course, this raises the question: with two of the top three running backs in fantasy and Peyton Manning in the stable, how did this team not dominate us all this year? Well, Randy Moss's fiasco of a season certainly didn't help, but Hines Ward (4th round) was his usual dependable self, and Ahmad Bradshaw (5th) out-played his draft spot, finishing among the top 15 RBs. All Michael needed was for a late-round WR or TE draft pick or free agent pick-up to work out, and he would have been a juggernaut. Let's see how that worked out...

Key Transactions
The Giants waiver wire moves were not without their successes this year. Everyone's (or at least the Sports Guy's and my) favorite up-and-coming quarterback, Josh Freeman (10/13, $5) was picked up cheaply by Michael. And everyone's favorite law firm, BenJarvus Green-Ellis (9/29, $31) was good enough to justify being Michael's biggest expenditure of the year. The problem is, those guys both play positions where the Giants were already stacked, so their impact was limited. At the receiving spots where Burke City really needed help, nothing ever really materialized. Mark Clayton, Louis Murphy, Danario Alexander, Kellen Winslow, Sidney Rice, David Gettis, Steve Breaston ($13), Brandon Pettigrew, Todd Heap, Ben Obamanu, Ed Dickson, and Brandon Pettigrew (again) were all given opportunities to shore up the Burke City aerial attack, but none proved effective. Interestingly, the real Peyton Manning and the real football Giants went through similar receiver struggles. Michael must have felt their pain every step of the way.

Crucial Victories and Crushing Defeats
I'm going to identify two games as crucial victories for the BC Giants this season, for vastly different reasons (and with vastly different scores). Week 3's defeat of Sex with a Pharaoh was Mr. Toobin's second-highest scoring effort of the season, and every single bit of it was needed in a game that ended 124 - 121. The Giants' scoring came from all corners that week, with Peyton dropping 25 and Randy Moss, Ahmad Bradshaw, Jamaal Charles, and the Philly D each contributing 16. Not only was this the kind of well-rounded team effort that I love to see, but it came at the expense of another playoff-bound team, giving Michael a leg up in the post-season seeding (not that that actually helped, but still).
The other high point of the Giants season came just two weeks later, though it featured their lowest winning score of the season. My dad and I often make bets on our fantasy face-offs, and if the Toobins do the same, then Michael came away with the choicest latke or whatever stakes these guys put up thanks to his Week 5, sputtering victory over his offspring, 79 - 70. It seems like ages ago now, but this was the week where Randy Moss had just been traded to the Vikings, Brett Favre was still kind of alive, and they connected early on Monday Night Football for a bomb that gave Michael his fourth win of the season.
As for Crushing Defeats, I'm going to resist the urge to make every playoff team's Crushing Defeat the one that knocked them out of the playoffs and stick to the regular season. The low point in Burke City's regular season undoubtedly came in Week 10, when they were taking on the lowly Woody's Warriors. A victory would have eventually given Michael, who finished with a three-game winning streak, the inside track on the regular season crown. And it's not like the Warriors put up an unbeatable fight, notching 89 points mainly on the shoulders of Jay Cutler (22) and Maurice Jones-Drew (24). But the Giants just totally failed to show up that week, limping to 69 points thanks to lame weeks by Peyton (7) and Moss (3) and a concussion on Hines Ward (0). Though they may not have realized it at the time, that loss probably cost the Giants a first-round bye, and - surprise, surprise - that's where they got knocked out of the post-season.

The Playoff Run
As mentioned in the last section, the Giants went on a tear to close out the regular season, averaging 112 points and scoring three wins over the last three weeks. Their first victim, in Week 11, was yours truly, who put up half a fight with Matt Ryan (21) and Santonio Holmes (25), who took the rest of the McClusterfuckers on their shoulders but ultimately couldn't measure up to the triple onslaught of Manning (29), Foster (24), and the Baltimore Defense (23), who Michael picked up that week in anticipation of their face-off with the bumbling Carolina Panthers. Perhaps if I had done that kind of match-up shuffling, rather than spending the second half of the season relying on the Seahawks Defense (what??), I might have won a few more games.
In Week 12, Michael handed Justin Koehler the last of his many, many NBD losses through the years. In fact, over the past five seasons, Koehler won just one game against Toobin the Elder while losing six. Michael may be as big a reason for the K-Dogg's departure as having a young child and being spread too thin between leagues. (Just kidding, we all know that Koehler left because of Elliott's obnoxious e-mails.) The latest episode in this series of domination featured an evenly-spread plethora of points by the Giants, who won 113 - 104 thanks to strong showings from Foster (22), Charles (21), Green-Ellis (18), Manning (15), and the incomparable Todd Heap (14). Though Koehler got a monster week from Dwayne Bowe (35), he didn't quite get enough support from the rest of the Dog-Lovers to overcome his long-time nemesis.
In Week 13, the Giants took out the eventual league champion Emailarrhea, meaning that they finished the regular season with the same record of 9-4. If the Giants had scored another 17 points, they would have held the tie-breaker, forcing Emailarrhea to play in the first round and allowing themselves a week of rest. Oh, what might have been. Another 17 points would have been a tall order, however, because Burke City already had a pretty impressive week, tallying a decisive 117 - 85 victory. Once again, the team was carried by its backs, be they quarter- or half-. Manning was typically solid (19), with Charles and Bradshaw (23 each) providing that week's rushing punch. A rare receiving display was put on by Burke City's Sidney Rice (23), though he immediately followed that up by getting concussed the next week, ensuring that no BC receiver came out of the season with any kind of success.
Unfortunately for Michael, Rice was not alone in his suffering during Week 14. After storming into the post-season with those three straight wins, Burke City apparently lost its mojo and fizzled once it got there. The typically unstoppable running back trio came up way short in Round 1, managing only 26 points between Charles, Foster and Green-Ellis. Manning (21) continued his characteristic consistency, and Derrick Mason (20) had an uncharacteristically competent outing, but the rest of the team wilted. That left the door wide open for Colly, whose Eagle-led combo of Vick-Jackson (24-28) were supported by Jason Witten (19) and Knowshon Moreno (18) in what turned out to be an easy victory, 106 - 87, sending the Burke City players to clear out their lockers and head home to their Merles.

What the Future Holds
Though Josh Freeman and BenJarvus Green-Ellis served mostly back-up or flex duty this season, they could very easily be penciled in as starters for 2011 and would cost Michael very little as 15th-rounders. That kind of value could render Ahmad Bradshaw an unlikely keep, as he offers similar value to Green-Ellis but would cost significantly more (5th round). Michael also has a rookie keeper opportunity, though he didn't play a snap of Burke City ball this year. Montario Hardesty was a 7th-round draft pick for the Giants who was lost for the season before it even began, but Michael declared him for Injured Reserve. I would assume Peyton Hillis will be Cleveland's starting running back next season, but with Mangini on the outs, they could be looking to move in a new direction. I'm sure there will be over-heated discussion of just such a possibility in the fantasy mags we will all be purchasing come August.

Jon~Wild Stallions (8-5 / 1,168 pts / 5th Place Regular Season / 5th Place Overall)
The Draft in Hindsight
Though they entered the season as defending champs, a large portion of the Wild Stallion team leadership from 2009 was left behind, unkeepable for one reason or another. With veterans like Aaron Rodgers and Larry Fitzgerald lost to free agency, the Stallions would look to build around a young nucleus of Percy Harvin (8th), Rashard Mendenhall (9th), and Mike Sims-Walker (15th). To that core of young talent, DeYoung added a hodge-podge of veterans and longshots in the draft, starting with DeAngelo Williams (1st), a player who has reached the heights of fantasy glory (finishing first among RBs a few seasons back) but who has never shaken the question marks of timeshare and injury history. The next three picks were among fantasy's surest options at their positions, Calvin Johnson (2nd), Philip Rivers (3rd), and Dallas Clark (4th), though Clark's season-ending injury suffered six weeks in goes to show that even the safest of fantasy bets is still a crapshoot. The rest of DeYoung's draft was hit or miss, with some prospective breakouts fizzling (Justin Forsett, 5th) while others flared (Dez Bryant, 6th). A veteran of high-powered offenses (Donovan McNabb, 7th) would inherit the sluggishness of his new team, while a rookie (Tampa Bay Mike Williams, 14th) would contribute to the rising youth movement of his burgeoning franchise. In short, it was an up-and-down draft for the Stallions, and a similar season would follow.

Key Transactions
With top picks DeAngelo Williams and Dallas Clark succumbing to early injuries, it's not surprising that most of DeYoung's free agent moves were RB- or TE-related. The tight end position, in particular, was an area of heavy activity for the Stallions, cycling as they did through Clark, Dustin Keller, Tony Moeaki, Ben Watson, and Jermaine Gresham. In fact, other than Toby Gerhart ($51, 12/1) - who Deezer splurged on basically because it was the end of the season and he had a bunch of money left - Watson ($20, 11/17) represented the season's biggest expenditure. In the running back department, Jon was content simply to pick up whichever Redskin or former Redskin had an outside shot at starting for a week or two, be it Keiland Williams or Ladell Betts.
Perhaps the most noteworthy of the Stallions' acquisitions came after DeYoung was already out of the running for the league crown. Going into Week 15, a little glitch in the fantasy matrix arose in which Joe Webb, the starting quarterback for the Vikings that week, was given eligibility at both the quarterback and wide receiver slots. This resulted, presumably, from the fact that Webb played a year at wide receiver in college and worked out as such at the NFL combine. Still, once he was drafted by the Vikings, he didn't play a single snap at receiver, and his coach announced that he would play exclusively at the quarterback position. His wide receiver eligibility was really just a loophole, one that only the most cowardly and desperate of fantasy owners would take advantage of. Personally, I didn't even notice DeYoung's pick-up, but a league member who will remain nameless (but you all know who it was) brought it to my attention and suggested a league-wide vote on such situations. Frankly, I'm tired of league-wide votes and discussions, so this was an issue I thought would be better dealt with via public shame. I e-mailed Jon about something else entirely, but mentioned to him that if he persisted in playing Webb at receiver, he should expect some very public and very scathing scorn. He assured me that it was not worth the hassle to him, and agreed to drop Webb. I scrapped my draft of a nasty league-wide e-mail and went about my business as usual. It was not until weeks later, when I started working on these reviews, that I realized that HE NEVER DROPPED WEBB AT ALL! In fact, he started him that week and won the 5th-place crown, in part, owing to Webb's 13-point day at "receiver!" So DeYoung is not only a cheater, but he is also a liar! And this from a man who speaks so fondly of the days of yore when the UVA Honor Code meant something. What would Mr. Jefferson say about your fifth place finish, DeYoung? In a single-sanction system, I would be forced to eject you from the league. Fortunately for you, ours is a more pliant and forgiving administration, but know this: your performance this year will forever be tainted, and the Commissioner's Office will not take being lied to lightly: we've got our eye on this franchise; my brother-in-law has always wanted to be in a league.

Crucial Victories and Crushing Defeats
The Stallions won quite a few games this season, some of them in impressive fashion. Week 4's 116 - 77 victory over This Team Here is Dead comes to mind, as it was their high score for the season and served as the last demonstration of a fully-powered Wild Stallion squad, before the injuries to Williams and Clark. Week 8 was a good one, too, as DeYoung beat fellow playoff contender Burke City Giants, 115 - 81, off a big day from Calvin Johnson (28). But neither of these is what I'll choose as DeYoung's Crucial Victory. Instead, I'm focusing on a week in which he scored a mere 89 points. A week in which he was led in scoring by his defense (albeit a pretty impressive 18 from the Chicago D). A week in which his opponent posed no threat to the Stallions' post-season chances. That's right, my favorite Wild Stallions victory of the season was Week 7's 89 - 88 victory over the Buck Stops Here. Any contest between Jon and my dad is instantly elevated to classic status from my perspective, and this one had some added bonuses. At this point in the season, we were really starting to notice the incredible trend of painful losses that had beset Ray, and he must have begun wondering if he were ever going to win again. After the Sunday day games, with an 88-72 lead, it must have looked pretty good for him. And then came the Sunday night game between the Packings and Vikings, and Percy Harvin scored enough - but just enough (17 pts) - to give the win to the Stallions. And in a season where you don't lay claim to a championship or top-money finish, the true joy comes in bringing pain and sorrow to your enemies. The Stallions did just that, in dramatic fashion, in Week 7.
Prior to Week 11, there were only two losses on the Stallions' record, and they looked like they were in good position to make a solid defense of their 2009 crown. But Week 11 would prove to be a turning point for two franchises, as last year's champs fell 132 - 94 to the eventual champions, Emailarrhea. The Stallions had a pretty decent day, with Philip Rivers (25) leading the team and the Chicago Defense (18) making another big contribution. But the monster output of Haller's squad, highlighted by Drew Brees' 29, 20 each from LeSean McCoy and Mike Wallace, and 19 more from Ray Rice, showed that despite their record, the Wild ones were not in the same league as this year's big boys. The loss must have demoralized the Stallions in ways we can't imagine, because they didn't manage to win another meaningful game in 2010, while Haller's team took this victory and ran with it all the way to the NBDBowl.

The Playoff Run
As if to further cement the notion that DeYoung's championship hopes ended with that Week 11 loss to Haller, the next week saw a re-match of last year's final and a reversal of fortunes with Deezer losing 72 - 101 to Sex with a Pharaoh. Although there were some strong Stallion performances - Rashard Mendenhall (19), Calvin Johnson (16), and kicker extraordinaire Dan Carpenter (15) - there were too many stinkers - nine points total from Mike Williams, Keiland Williams, Dez Bryant, and Ben Watson - to put up any kind of fight.
The trend continued in the final week of the regular season, with the Stallions putting up their lowest total of the year in a 60 - 83 loss to Papkin's Missing 3 Jacksons. No Wild Stallions scored more than 15 points, sending a clear signal to ownership that they were done for the season, and while their record was good enough to take them into the playoffs, their talent was not deep enough to take them any further. Sure enough, they were dispatched from the post-season a week later by that very same Missing 3 Jacksons team, posting an equally unimpressive 68 points in the face of a 99-point day from Papkin's boys. Once again, 15 (Rivers) was the high point score among Stallion offensive players, though the New England Defense did provide a useful 20 points. Useful, that is, to a team that wants to win. The Stallions clearly did not, however, as evidenced by the fact that Rivers was the only one of them to even make double-figures. An ugly end for a defending champ, buy hey, they'll always have 2009.

What the Future Holds
Besides the intense scrutiny of the Commissioner's office following the Webb Incident, 2011 will also see another youth movement for the Stallions. Two rookie receivers, Dez Bryant (6th rd) and Tampa Mike Williams (14th), proved themselves valuable assets for DeYoung this year, and I would expect to see both back next year. With their rookie status, that allows another keeper for Deezer, and while Dallas Clark (4th) is not an unreasonable keep, considering that he should be fully recovered and back to being Peyton Manning's favored touchdown option, I'd really love to see DeYoung retain waiver wire acquisition (and folk hero) Dan Carpenter.

NBD - Season-Ending Miscellany

2010-12-29T23:15:00.002-05:00

The 2010 NBD season has come to a close. Here's all the pertinent season-ending information:
Final Standings
If you've visited the league site since the end of the playoffs, you'll notice they have re-ranked the standings based on the results of the playoffs, including the Consolation Bracket. However, since nobody really took the Consolation Bracket seriously, I'm using the regular season records for the bottom half of the standings, as we've always done.
1) Haller (Emailarrhea)
2) Elliott (Sir Lucius Left Fut)
3) Colly (Sex with a Pharaoh)
4) Papkin (Missing 3 Jacksons)
5) DeYoung (Wild Stallions)
6) Michael (Burke City Giants)
7) Manning (Finga Sniffs)
8) Koehler (Matt Ryan Loves Dogs)
9) Sherwood (Woody's Warriors)
10) Derek (This Team Here is Dead)
11) Sovic (McClusterfuck)
12) Ray (Buck Stops Here)

These are the rankings we'll use for next year's draft lottery.

Payouts:

Haller: $650 (champ) + $20 (wk 6) = $670

Elliott: $300 (2nd) + $150 (reg season) + $20 (wk 4) = $470

Colly: $100 (3rd) + $20 (wk 2) + $20 (wk 7) + $20 (wk 13) = $160

Manning: $20 (wk 9) + $20 (wk 11) = $40

Papkin: $20 (wk 10) + $20 (wk 12) = $40

Michael: $20 (wk 1)

Ray: $20 (wk 3)

Derek: $20 (wk 5)

DeYoung: $20 (wk 8)

That makes me, Koehler, and Woody the only people to win no money. Awesome.

Possible Keepers:
Any player on your final roster can be kept, excluding:
-non-rookies drafted in the first three rounds
-any player kept last season
-any player added after the keeper deadline of 11/12
If there is anyone you feel should be on your list who is not, please let me know. Parentheticals: Numbers tells you what round the player would be kept in in next year's draft; D = Drafted, D/T = Drafted and Traded, WW = Waiver Wire pick-up, along with the date and cost of the player; asterisks indicate 2010 rookies.
Elliott:
QB Sam Bradford (15-WW, 10/23, $10)*
WR Lance Moore (15-WW, 9/29, $10)
WR Deion Branch (15-WW, 10/20, $40)
WR Vincent Jackson (5-D)
RB Thomas Jones (6-D)
TE Antonio Gates (4-D)

Derek:
QB Ryan Fitzpatrick (15-WW, 10/27, $21)
WR Lee Evans (15-WW, 10/27, $17
WR Robert Meachem (15-WW, 10/20, $0)
RB LaDainian Tomlinson (7-D)
RB Donald Brown (6-D)
RB Michael Bush (4-D)
RB Kevin Smith (15-WW, 11/3, $4)
TE Chris Cooley (9-D)
K Mason Crosby (12-D)

Manning:
WR Stevie Johnson (15-WW, 10/21, $0)
WR/RB Danny Woodhead (15-WW, 10/21, $0)
RB Peyton Hillis (15-WW, 9/5, $0)
RB Ryan Torain (15-WW, 10/2, $0)
RB Brandon Jackson (15-WW, 9/15, $51)
TE Jacob Tamme (15-WW, 10/21, $0)

DeYoung:
WR Mike Williams, TB (14-D)*
WR Dez Bryant (6-D)*
TE Dallas Clark (4-D)
K Dan Carpenter (15-WW, 10/29, $0)
DEF Chicago (13-D)

Ray:
QB Matt Cassel (9-D)
WR Wes Welker (4-D)
WR Terrell Owens (6-D)
WR Devin Hester (14-D)
RB CJ Spiller (5-D)*
TE Jeremy Shockey (15-WW, 10/6, $0)
K Adam Vinatieri (15-WW, 10/6, $6)
DEF Pittsburgh (12-D)

Michael:
QB Josh Freeman (15-WW, 10/13, $5)
WR Hines Ward (4-D)
WR Derrick Mason (6-D)
WR Sidney Rice (15-WW, 10/28, $0)
RB Ahmad Bradshaw (5-D)
RB Montario Hardesty (7-D)*
RB BenJarvus Green-Ellis (15-WW, 9/29, $31)
K Ryan Succop (15-WW, 10/28, $0)

Sovic:
QB Matt Ryan (7-D/T: Haller)
QB Matt Hasselbeck (15-WW, 9/22, $0)
WR Mike Williams, SEA (15-WW, 10/27, $10)
WR Santonio Holmes (6-D)
WR Austin Collie (9-D)
RB LeGarrette Blount (15-WW, 10/27, $11)*
RB Felix Jones (4-D)
TE Zach Miller (7-D)

Koehler->Screen:
QB Ben Roethlisberger (8-D)
WR Davone Bess (15-WW, 11/6, $4)
WR Donald Driver (5-D)
WR Roy Williams (14-D)
RB Darren McFadden (9-D)
RB Ryan Mathews (2-D)*
RB Jason Snelling (15-WW, 11/5, $0)
TE Heath Miller (15-WW, 10/20, $0)
K Garrett Hartley (15-WW, 10/31, $0)
DEF Minnesota (15-WW, 11/5, $0)

Haller:
QB Eli Manning (6-D)
WR Jeremy Maclin (5-D)
RB Christopher Ivory (15-WW, 10/1, $0)*
RB Marshawn Lynch (15-WW, 9/22, $3)
TE Marcedes Lewis (15-WW, 10/13, $4)
K Sebastian Janikowski (15-WW, 9/8, $0)

Colly:
QB Michael Vick (15-WW, 9/15, $6)
QB Carson Palmer (15-WW, 10/13, $0)
WR Kenny Britt (15-WW, 10/13, $8)
WR Braylon Edwards (15-WW, 9/29, $0)
WR Danny Amendola (15-WW, 10/6, $4)
RB Jahvid Best (3-D)*
TE Jason Witten (4-D)

Papkin:
QB Kyle Orton (11-D)
QB Mark Sanchez (15-WW, 9/29, $7)
WR Chad Ochocinco (4-D)
WR Brandon Lloyd (15-WW, 9/29, $13)
RB Fred Jackson (8-D)
RB Mike Tolbert (15-WW, 9/29, $42)
RB Reggie Bush (5-D)
K David Akers (15-WW, 11/3, $0)
DEF Green Bay (10-D/T: Ray)

Sherwood:
QB Jay Cutler (7-D)
QB Matthew Stafford (15-WW, 10/31, $0)
WR Jerricho Cotchery (15-WW, 11/4, $0)
RB Brandon Jacobs (6-D)
RB Willis McGahee (10-D)
RB Clinton Portis (15-WW, 11/4, $0)
TE Tony Gonzalez (5-D)
DEF New York Jets (8-D)

NBD - Season in Review Pt. 3

2010-12-29T20:04:00.000-05:00

Justin~Matt Ryan Loves Dogs (5-8 / 1,160 / 8th Place)

The Draft in Hindsight

One of last season's biggest and most pleasant surprises was the (re-?)emergence of Cedric Benson as a quality fantasy running back playing for the Bengals. Koehler capitalized on that last season, and hoped to again by keeping him as a fourth-rounder along with Joe Flacco (11th) at QB. Rather than counting on Benson to provide RB depth, however, Koehler elected to use both of his first two draft picks on more backs. His first pick, given his Falcons fandom, was an easy one: Michael "The Centaur" Turner. In the second round, he swung for the fences with Ryan Mathews, the much-touted rookie who looked to be taking over the San Diego starting job and whom every fantasy expert had ranked within their top 15 backs. Mathews turned out to be a swing and miss, but his spot in the RB triad was filled by 9th-round selection Darren McFadden, who ended up scoring more total points than Turner or Benson, though he did it in a very hit-or-miss fashion. At wide receiver, however, he would not prove to be as lucky. In the 3rd round, Koehler took Dwayne Bowe, who would emerge as a top option later in the season, but did not produce early enough to be a reliable WR1 on a team with weak WR2s and 3s: Donald Driver (5th), Jacoby Jones (6th), Jerricho Cotchery (10th), and rookie-keeper Johnny Knox (15th). Roy Williams (14th) did have a three-week run of brilliance, but with all historical data pointing towards him sucking, Justin had him benched for two of those three weeks.

Key Transactions

As befits an owner who would announce his retirement at the end of the season, no one made fewer waiver wire moves or spent less of his free agent auction budget than MRLD owner Justin Koehler. There is literally nothing interesting to report about his transactions this season, so I will do what I always do when I don't know what else to write.

Tits

Crucial Victories and Crushing Defeats

Other than the Buck Stops Here, who lost every game after Week 3, no NBD team had a longer loss streak than Matt Ryan Loves Dogs' four-game schneid between Weeks 7 and 10. So with his defection from the league only a few weeks away, it must have been sweet relief for Koehler to finally notch a win in Week 11, gaining a 107 - 80 victory over the Buck-Stoppers. Not only did that represent a season high for the Dog-Lovers, but it was achieved on the shoulders of a number of players dear to Koehler's heart. 2009 holdover and fantsy Comeback Player of the Year for that season Cedric Benson combined with homer favorite Michael Turner to provide 37 points. Early-season disappointment Dwayne Bowe showed why he may have been worth his third-round selection with a 23-point outing. And Koehler's draft-day gamble, taking Ben Roethlisberger despite his four-game suspension, paid off in a big way with Roethlisberger rocking a season-high 35 points.

The most frustrating loss of the season, though, came a mere week later, as MRLD followed up their highest score of the season with their second-highest, only to be overcome by an outstanding day from the Burke City Giants, losing 105 - 113. Bowe (35) was once again a stud, and Turner was his reliable self (13). But Roethlisberger (12) posted barely a third of the previous week's explosion and Benson (4) had a quiet day. Still, with Garrett Hartley and the Minnesota Defense combining for 23 points, Koehler posted a score that would have beat more than half of the other teams in the league. Unfortunately, he found himself up against the BC Giants and their dominant trio of RBs (Jamaal Charles, Arian Foster, and BenJarvus Green-Ellis, totaling 61 points), leading to a crushing loss in the penultimate game of his NBD career.

The Playoff Run

I actually just described two of MRLD's "playoff run" games in the previous section, so all that's left are the details of Koehler's goodbye victory in Week 13. That week, Justin looked on with a wistful sense of pride and bittersweet joy as his team turned in a remarkably balanced effort. No single player scored more than franchise favorite Cedric Benson's 18, but with Roethlisberger and Donald Driver turning in 13 each, Turner and the Minny D grabbing 15 each, Darren McFadden going for 17, and even Garrett Hartley chipping in 10, nearly every MRLD starter made some meaningful contribution to the 102 - 84 victory over McClusterfuck. Only Dwayne Bowe (0), clearly overcome with emotion at saying goodbye to the owner who had shown so much faith in him, failed to show up.

What the Future Holds

Allow me to take this opportunity to welcome the Native Burke Dwellers' newest owner and heir to Koehler's franchise: Andy Screen. I know from being in a fantasy basketball league with Screen that he will be an almost frighteningly obsessive owner, and I anticipate he will have surpassed Koehler's 2011 tally of eight transactions by the time we get to Week 2 of next year. We can all also expect frequent (and frequently confusing) commentary from Mr. Screen, which is always nice. Koehler's relative inactivity on the waiver wire will mean that Screen won't have much in the way of 15th-round sleeper-keepers to choose from, but surprise breakout Darren McFadden (9th) seems a clear candidate for keepery, and though he was basically a bust this season, Ryan Mathews (2nd) could still lay claim to the San Diego starting job, and is keepable in that early round due to his rookie status. Other than those two, Ben Roethlisberger (8th) seems the most keepable asset, though it remains to be seen if Screen will look to "clean up" the franchise by ejecting some of its questionable character guys. The Commissioner's office will be working together with Sr. Pantallon throughout the off-season to ensure a smooth transition.

Kevin~Finga Sniffs (6-7 / 1,224 points / 7th Place)

The Draft in Hindsight

Manning has not always been our most conscientious owner, but with the top pick in this year's draft and a determination to atone for past ownership sins, Kex cames into the season eager to change his reputation. He was among the first to pay his dues and announce his keepers, which turned out to be the quarterback tandem of Matt Schaub (5th) and Brett Favre (11th). Favre's failures and frustrations this season have obviously been well-documented, but as a 5th-round choice, Schaub - currently 8th among quarterbacks - may represent the bigger disappointment. Based on last season's performance, Manning probably expected to have two elite QBs on his roster, giving him a great bye-week fill-in and some solid trade fodder afterwards. Instead, he was left with one decent QB1, and one player who probably should have been benched in favor of Joe Webb some time ago.

Anyways, filling out the rest of his roster, Kex made some pretty conventional choices in the first three rounds. Chris Johnson was the top overall selection, and while he hasn't quite blown the league away like he did last year, he's certainly been strong. Greg Jennings (2nd) and Marques Colston (3rd) became Manning's top two receivers, and while both had their struggles early in the season, recently they've proven themselves to be the fantasy ball-catchers we expected them to be. Round 4 brought the Finga Sniffs the opportunity to shore up their running game behind Chris Johnson. Who did Manning take? Jerome Harrison. Now, I can't remember the exact circumstances surrounding Harrison at that time. I think he had just been traded from the Browns to the Eagles. And maybe LeSean McCoy had a questionable injury at the time or something. And since the Eagles were going to be breaking in a new quarterback (Kevin Kolb), it did seem like they'd probably be leaning on the run game a little bit. But I just can't imagine a situation in which Jerome Harrison is a smart selection in the 4th round there. Harrison has scored a total of 34 fantasy points this season. Here are some of the running backs selected after him in our draft this year: Ahmad Bradshaw, Thomas Jones, Donald Brown, Brandon Jacobs, LaDainian Tomlinson, Marion Barber, Fred Jackson. All of those guys have had significantly more productive seasons than Harrison, and were bigger names coming into the draft. This is a "yikes" pick, and when Manning followed it up two rounds later with Clinton Portis, he left himself in a position to be scrambling at running back all season long.

Key Transactions

Manning was a ball of fire this season when it came to the waiver wire, finishing second only to Colly in the number of transactions made on the season. Not only was he aflame, but it would appear that the free agent money was burning a hole in his pocket: by September 22nd, it was all gone. That money was divided between only three players: Brandon Jackson ($51, 9/15), Jermaine Gresham ($25, 9/16), and Demaryius Thomas ($24, 9/22). Not one of those investments would pan out, but oddly enough, two free pick-ups turned into solid Finga Sniffers. Before Michael Vick's explosion, it was looking like Peyton Hillis (acquired 9/5) might be the best free agent pick-up of all time, finishing third among RBs and surpassing even Manning's #1 overall selection, Chris Johnson. Not quite as impactful but still quite useful was Ryan Torain (10/2), who took over for the Skins when Clinton Portis went down and proved far more effective. The run of valuable pick-ups made for nothing did not end there, however: In one day (10/21), without any budget to speak of, Manning managed to acquire Danny Woodhead, Stevie Johnson, and Jacob Tamme, all of whom would provide significant fantasy impact over the next few weeks. Those early-season over-payments might have doomed a less active owner, but Manning showed this year that by being active and taking chances, a committed owner can build a solid team on a shoestring budget as the season progresses.

Crucial Victories and Crushing Defeats

Heading into Week 11, on the doorstep of the fantasy playoff run, there were four middle-of-the-pack teams tied at 5-5, and it was likely that only two of them would make the playoffs. Two of those teams were Manning's Finga Sniffs and Colly's Sex with a Pharaoh, who were squaring off that week. Not only did the Finga Sniffs deliver a swift and decisive defeat, but they also earned Classic Soul Jam High Scorer of the Week honors for that week. (Note: I mis-reported this in a recent e-mail, where I declared Haller the high scorer for that week. In fact, Manning out-scored him by 20 points.) This victory, combined with a loss by the McClusterfuck (also among the 5-5 teams) would put Kex in the driver's seat towards determining his own fate as far as making the playoffs.

...And then came Week 12, where Manning faced off against the other team in that mix, Papkin's Missing 3 Jacksons. The Finga Sniffs came to play, posting 111 points off of a Herculean effort by Peyton Hillis (37) to try and drive his team into the playoffs. Unfortunately, Papkin's players were just as motivated, and though no one equaled Hillis' monstrous day, the work of Kyle Orton (26), Fred Jackson (22), Brandon Lloyd (20), and Mike Tolbert (18) was enough to just barely edge the Sniffers, 116 - 111. That loss put Manning right back into precarious playoff position, needing a win in Week 13 as well as losses by others to guarantee a slot in the post-season.

The Playoff Run

Week 13 brought Kex's last chance to sneak into the tournament, but that opportunity came against an equally motivated Sir Lucious Left Fut team fighting to claim the regular season championship title. Having exhausted themselves in Weeks 11 and 12, the Finga Sniffs weren't quite able to generate the offensive onslaught of the previous games. Greg Jennings (24) and Marques Colston (13) made one last valiant effort to push their team over the top, but most of the other Sniffers came up well short of expectations. With Left Futters Aaron Rodgers (28) and Reggie Wayne (26) putting up big numbers, Manning's fate was sealed.

What the Future Holds

It's hard to imagine anyone having a better keeper value next year than Manning being able to keep Peyton Hillis in the 15th round. He didn't even have to spend any free agent money this year to get him. Incredible. I don't know what's going to happen with the Redskins, but Ryan Torain as a last-round value might be a steal as well. Or Steve Johnson. It just goes to show: even if waiver wire diligence doesn't necessarily equal success within the season, it can always lead to big possibilities for the season to follow.

NBD - Season in Review Pt. 2

2010-12-28T20:21:00.001-05:00

2010 Seasonal Re-Caps continued, after the jump...

Derek~This Team Here is Dead (5-8 / 1,027 pts / 10th Place)
The Draft in Hindsight
As you might expect from a team that finished tenth last year and twelfth the year before, Derek came in to this season with a mediocre set of keepers. Larry Johnson (15th rd) was a last-round shot in the dark who ended up not even keeping his spot on the Skins roster. Beanie Wells (5th) was projected as a decent running back option, but he too had trouble laying claim to a starting job, and his team's overall offensive futility made him irrelevant anyway. Malcom Floyd (14th), however, found himself rising into San Diego's top receiver position with Vincent Jackson holding out, and Derek paired him with Andre Johnson in the first round for a powerful wide receiver tandem. All he needed was a solid QB and for some of his RB picks to pan out to build a successful season. The quarterback slot was filled early with Tony Romo in the third round; I feel like this is the fourth year in a row that Derek has taken Romo two rounds earlier than I would take him, but maybe that's just me. Many RBs were taken with the hope of one or two of them developing into something; only LaDainian Tomlinson (7th) rose to the challenge, though he did so very productively, at least for the first half of the season. The rest, like the afore-mentioned Wells, were largely busts. Pierre Thomas (2nd) failed to repeat last year's success and spent quite a bit of time in the trainer's room; Michael Bush (4th) joined the ranks of This Guy Here is Dead draftees who lost out in position battles; Donald Brown (6th) was part of a Colts offense that started roughly seven hundred different players at the skill positions this season; and Kareem Huggins (11th) could very well be a fictional character, for all I know. When Romo went down injured, and with Tomlinson's early-season success abating a bit, that put all the onus for success on those receivers, and Malcom Floyd suffered some injury woes himself during the second half of the season. Andre Johnson is a great receiver, but he cannot carry a fantasy team all by himself.

Key Transactions
While Derek's draft may not have panned out that well, we can not accuse him of resting on his laurels (perhaps because he has no laurels) and accepting his fate. The team formerly known as Chaz Whitehurst Daughter Slayer spent nearly their entire budget in attempts to improve the team, though none of their acquisitions turned into much. Jason Snelling (9/22, $16) had a huge Week 2 in relief of an injured Michael Turner, but he never replicated that success. Grabbing Tim Hightower (10/20, $6) gave him both halves of the useless Arizona running timeshare. Ryan Fitzpatrick (10/27, $21) and Lee Evans (10/27, $17) scored most of their points in the weeks leading up to their acquisition, rather than once they were on Derek's roster. No, we can't accuse Derek of being stingy or inactive on the waiver wire, but we can accuse him of mis-spending his money and energy.

Crucial Victories and Crushing Defeats
Having followed up his 2007 2nd-place season with a 12th place, 10th place, and 10th place finishes, and with no victories that led to a playoff berth this year, I can only assume that Derek's most joyful victory this season was the one that brought him a little bit of cash. Week 5's 131 - 65 whomping of the Buck Stops Here made Derek that week's Classic Soul Jam High Scorer of the Week, and he had his much-maligned quarterback (Tony Romo, 26) and late-keeper value receiver (Malcom Floyd, 27) to thank for it. Those represented the high scores of those gentlemen's shortened seasons, and with Michael Bush (20) and the Atlanta Defense (19) also scoring their season-highs, Derek must have felt on top of the world, at least for one week. One month later, with Romo and Floyd both out with injuries, Derek would suffer his most crushing defeat of the season.
I am sure there are families in which individual triumphs are celebrated collectively and in which occasions where two family members must square off against each other are anguish-filled moments that the whole family can't wait to get past (like Giants-Colts games for Archie Manning or Grand Slam finals between Venus and Serena Williams). Then there are families, such as my own, in which these moments are seen as opportunities to expose all the repressed, underlying hostilities of the years and truly rip into each other, revelling in your own success while your flesh and blood crumbles futilely beneath your victorious boots. I am assuming that the Haller family is of the latter variety, and that the yearly fantasy clash between Matt and Derek is filled with expletive-laden smack talk and painful re-hashing of childhood arguments. Unfortunately for Derek, This Team Here is Dead came out on the losing end of this year's HallerBowl, and this might just have been the game that killed them. Down a star quarterback and solid receiver and having never had a running game to begin with, the Dead were left to fend for themselves with a mediocre replacement (Ryan Fitzpatrick, 15), a star having an off-week (Andre Johnson, 4), and a keeper so useless he took points off the table (Beanie Wells, -.2). Bringing that against an Emailarrhea squad that gets 21 points from its defense alone (New Orleans), not to mention the 17 each out of Drew Brees, Ray Rice, and Mike Wallace, isn't merely a recipe for a loss; it's downright embarrassing. Furthermore, this crushing 57 - 117 loss at the hands of his own brother started Derek off on a four-game slide that would take him from being a .500 team to well out of the playoff picture. Woof. When the family got together for Thanksgiving, do you think Derek left the room when the conversation turned to fantasy football, or do you think he went ahead and left the entire state?

The Playoff Run
As was just alluded to, it was not a strong finish to the season as this team echoed their one-time team name and said "Laters on the Menjay" to the post-season. Week 11 was the highwater-mark, scoring-wise, during the four-game losing streak, and at 77 points, tells you that this team was not unlucky. They were bad. Most of that week's scoring came from the unpredictably occasional scoring dervish known as Ryan Fitzpatrick (28), though he was pretty much the only bright spot for a team who only had one other player in double figures, and only barely at that (LaDainian Tomlinson, 11). Otherwise, futility from AJ (3), Wells (4), Bush (5) and the rest led to an easy victory for Papkin, 110 - 77.
By Week 12, the team had pretty much given up, and that was reflected in their season-low score of 44, which allowed a Sir Lucious Left Fut squad that had two players score no points to still defeat them by 37 points. Then again, when Floyd, Bush, and the Detroit Defense combine for negative-three points, two 0-fers begins to sound like an offensive dream come true. The less said about this game, the better.
Only a jokester like the Cavillari could appreciate that once the hope of making the playoffs were over, This Team Here is Dead finally came back to life and won a game in Week 13. Andre Johnson (16) finally started acting like himself again; Michael Bush (16) had a strong day; and Robert Meachem (17) had one of the four strong fantasy days he is contractually obliged to produce each year. All of this was accomplished in pursuit of an 87 - 68 victory over Woody's Warriors that meant absolutely nothing to anyone, and has probably not even been examined for more than a few cursory glances by anyone other than myself in writing this re-cap right now. Wonderful.

What the Future Holds
With most of these season re-caps that I've written for BIFL or here, I've been able to spend a whole write-up trashing a team but still come up with some bright spots for them in terms of the keeper picture for next year. I'm going to have a hard time doing that here. Derek's best players this season have been Johnson, pre-injury Romo, Floyd, and Tomlinson. Johnson and Romo are unkeepable because they were drafted in the first three rounds; Floyd is unkeepable because he was kept last year; and Tomlinson is keepable in the 7th, which is nice, but do we really think this resurgence is going to last another season and another year older for LDT? Seems unlikely. So what does that leave, keeper-wise? Frankly, I'm not seeing much. Chris Cooley in the 9th? Okay, sure. Ryan Fitzpatrick and Robert Meachem as last-round waiver wire pick-ups sound nice, but all they're doing is giving you bench security for next year so that you can grab a flyer in Round 8 instead of a WR4 or QB2. Which isn't nothing. It's just not much. Sorry, Derek.

Eric~Woody's Warriors (5-8 / 1,054 point / 9th place)
The Draft in Hindsight
Jeez. When I look back at this draft with pre-season glasses, this team looks pretty incredible on paper. At quarterback, they've got one of the most talented quarterbacks in the league who's about to embark on his first season in a high-powered Mike Martz offense (Jay Cutler, 7th). At receiver, one of the best in the league (Brandon Marshall, 4th) and one of the brightest young talents (Michael Crabtree, 15th) were already under contract as keepers, and Woody managed to add one of the top receivers in fantasy over the last five years in this year's draft (Larry Fitzgerald, 2nd). At running back, you find one of the most consistent options in fantasy (Maurice Jones-Drew, 1st), and two time-sharers who've proven they can be effective out of a committee system (Jonathan Stewart, 3rd & Brandon Jacobs, 6th). I think if we were giving out trophies in Week 0, you could have made a pretty good argument for etching Woody's Warriors into the base of that bobblehead.
So how did we get from pre-season champ to post-season no-show? Simply put, every single one of these guys disappointed this season, some in bigger and some in smaller ways. I managed to unearth Yahoo's pre-season positional rankings; let's see how each Warrior stacked up to expectations. Cutler: predicted rank, 8th; actual rank, 15th. MJD: predicted rank, 3rd; actual rank, 8th. J-Stew: predicted rank, 19th; actual rank, 38th. Brandon Jacobs: predicted rank: 38th; actual rank, 24th. Brandon Marshall: predicted rank, 6th; actual rank, 32nd. Fitzy: predicted rank, 9th; actual rank, 18th. In case you missed the point there, or didn't feel like reading all those numbers, that's underachievement by practically every Warrior starter. You don't expect the pre-season rankings to be 100% accurate, of course, and you expect that some of your players will disappoint. But you don't expect that every single player on your team will disappoint, and that virtually none of them will out-perform their draft position. That is what happened to Sherwood this year.

Key Transactions
Perhaps because this team had so many big names, Woody never seemed to feel compeled to make significant changes to the roster, despite losing five times in his first seven games. Rather than making any splashes in the free agent market, the Warriors seemed content to simply wait for the players on their roster to start playing up to expectations. At least, that's one theory to explain the mere twelve roster moves from Woody. The other explanation is that Woodrow was so embarrassed by his first move, in which he spent $29 on September 29th to acquire St. Louis running back Kenneth Darby (remember Kenneth Darby? yeah, me neither) that he was too ashamed to reach back into his wallet again. Indeed, the Warriors did not spend a single dollar more on free agents for the rest of the season. Even with this miserly attitude, they still managed to acquire Mike Goodson (11/14, $0), who would go on to produce 52 points over the next four weeks. Nice pick-up.

Crucial Victories and Crushing Defeats
It's not always easy identifying crucial victories for my fellow bottom-dwelling teams. After all, Woody's Warriors had only five victories to choose from this season: None of those victories led them to the post-season; none came over anyone who might be considered a natural "rival" to Sherwood; none was a slim margin of victory or last-minute come-from-behind; and none was a weekly high score. Sometimes, the importance of a win is a little more nuanced, and becomes apparent only with a little bit of research and historical context. For example, did you know that due to scheduling quirks, Woody's teams and mine have played each other seven times over the past four seasons? Or that if you go back to my first year in the league (2004), you'll find three straight wins by Woody, followed by a split season (one win each in 2007), followed by three straight wins by me? Or that for two of the past three seasons, we have finished with the exact same record? It would seem that while nobody was looking, and with neither of us suspecting it, a brutal and vicious rivalry has sprung up between the dastardly Chinaman and myself. Who knew? Apparently the Warriors themselves did, because though they stepped up and won only five times this season, two of those weeks were when they were facing the McClusterfuck. That includes a 72 - 68 win to kick off the season and a 113 - 85 Week 12 victory that basically slammed the window of a playoff appearance shut for the McClusterfuckers. I never realized it, and I suspect you didn't either, Woody, but we fucking hate each other. This season, the advantage was yours, but next year, now that my players know about our bitter rivalry, watch out!
As for crushing defeats, there are many to choose from but, again, no obvious choices remain. Probably the most frustrating loss of the season would have been Week 3's defeat at the hands of Matt Ryan Loves Dogs, 104 - 96. That loss came despite being the Warriors' second-highest scoring output of the season and featuring the only time this year that Brandon Marshall (23) resembled the super-stud we all knew him to be (and expected him to remain). Even with MRLD's running back trio combining for 58 points, the Warriors had a chance with Jay Cutler going in the Monday Night game, but his 16-point outing wasn't quite good enough to ensure success. The same could be said for the Warrior season as a whole.

The Playoff Run
Since Week 5, Sherwood has been alternating wins and losses, so it's no surprise that he finished out the season the same way. Like the afore-mentioned Week 3 loss to MRLD, the Week 11 game against Sir Lucious Left Fut would turn out to be a relatively high-scoring affair for the Warriors that nevertheless resulted in a loss. Maurice Jones-Drew (25) and Larry Fitzgerald (15) resembled their former selves in terms of scoring, and waiver wire golden boy Mike Goodson (15) turned in a solid day, but it wasn't enough to take down eventual regular season champ Elliott, who got a monster 30-point day from Aaron Rodgers along with strong showings by Thomas Jones (19) and Reggie Wayne (17).
Week 12 brought about one of the cherished victories over arch-rival McClusterfuck mentioned above, as well as Woody's sole foray into triple digits this season. Jay Cutler (28) led the charge, with support from Mike Goodson (19), MJD (12) and Tony Gonzalez (11), but the real difference-maker in this one was the New York Jets defense, which notched 21 points by teeing off on Carson Palmer and the hapless Bengals.
A week later, that same defense would go on to score a negative point, setting the pace for an effort in which the Warriors had an outside chance to make the playoffs and instead laid down and quit for a 68 - 87 loss to This Team Here is Dead. Jones-Drew (19) continued his late-season binge, and Jonathan Stewart (16) replaced Goodson (8) as the primary points-producer for the Panthers, but with Brandon Marshall dropping his second consecutive 0-fer and Cutler (13) having a very mediocre day, the Warriors went down without much of a fight.

What the Future Holds
I don't know what's going to happen with the Carolina Panthers running situation next year, since they seem to have three reasonable running backs in DeAngelo Williams, Jonathan Stewart, and Mike Goodson, but whatever happens Woody won't have to worry about it since Stewart was drafted too highly to keep (3rd round) and Goodson was picked up too late (two days after the keeper deadline). That leaves little in the way of keepable assets for the Warriors. Brandon Jacobs (6th) and Jay Cutler (7th) seem the most apt to be kept, but neither is terribly exciting. Woody will have his work cut out for him to build a 2011 contender, and I think I speak for all of us when I say that I hope this leads him back to drafting Antonio Gates in the third round.

NBD - Season in Review Pt. 1

2010-12-16T20:57:00.000-05:00

Well, boys, old Commandant Lassard has safely steered the good ship NBD through another regular season, and as the playoff fun commences, it's time to take a look back at how each team fared during the 2010 campaign. I've been lamentably spotty in my dedication to the blog this year, but I'm hoping that this series of posts will fill in some of the gaps and serve as a catch-all snapshot of each team's season. With that in mind, we'll be looking at several key areas: The Draft in Hindsight will take a look back at the draft results considering what we knew then and what we know now. Key Transactions will examine each team's most important moves on the waiver wire as well as assessing the results of trades. Crucial Victories/Crushing Defeats will identify the games that made or broke your team. The Playoff Run will recap recent results, essentially taking the place of the game summaries I never wrote for Weeks 11-13 and the playoffs (if applicable). And What the Future Holds will peer into the crystal ball of keeper possibilities. Sound like a lot? I'm sure it will be. I can't wait to write it.

Ray~The Buck Stops Here (1-12 / 1,144 pts / 12th Place)
The Draft in Hindsight
To look at this draft, or this roster, brings absolute stupification as to how this team could go 1-12. Granted, Ray came in with a pretty bare cupboard in terms of keepers: a mediocre tight end, John Carlson (11th rd), and a potential flex RB, Carnell Williams (15th), are decent additions to a team, but they're obviously not a foundation. But the players Ray got in the draft could have been a foundation. Frank Gore (1st rd) is not quite elite, but I've seen teams make the playoffs (much less win two games) with less. Anquan Boldin (3rd) has been solid, with a few spectacular weeks thrown in. Terrell Owens (6th) was surprisingly effective, especially mid-season. And a trio of Buck-Stoppers - Tom Brady (2nd), Wes Welker (4th), and Matt Cassel (9th) - have been among the hottest players in fantasy over the last month. It all sounds so right, yet went so wrong. Why? Well, bad luck certainly plays a part. Much has been made of the fact that Ray averaged nearly as many points scored per game as our regular season champ while averaging nearly 18 points per game more scored against him. I can't argue with those statistics. But I think the real culprit here is a shocker: this team was too consistent. Doesn't seem like that should be a problem, does it? But most fantasy squads have big weeks when they win - breaking 100 usually does it - and ugly weeks when they lose, posting embarrassing totals in the 50s or 60s. Those fluctuations never really happened for the Buck Stops Here. From Weeks 6-11, every score was in the 80s. Other than their explosions in Weeks 2 and Week 3 (the latter bringing the season's only victory), the total range of scoring was 27 points. Compare that to a playoff team like Sex with a Pharaoh, which at one point posted a 157-point game and followed it up two weeks later with a 50-point stinker. We all know that Ray's been learning the fantasy game for the past few years: perhaps he learned the need for consistency too well to have a dominant team this year?

Key Transactions
This is one area where I can't help but feeling that Ray is still learning. Only the one-foot-out-the-door Koehler was less active than Buck Stops Here on the waiver wire this year, and their major expenditure (Brian Westbrook, $50) was a late-season stop-gap measure to replace the injured Frank Gore, long after playoff hopes had disappeared. No other BSH acquisitions can be said to have been impactful. A look at some of these pick-ups like Chester Taylor (10/30) and Tim Hightower (11/18) reveal an over-reliance on pre-season magazine information that has long outworn it's fantasy usefulness after the first couple weeks of the season, much less October and November. Perhaps it's not surprising that our eldest member would be less up-to-date on his fantasy research than the rest of us, but you would hope that a man who can use the internet to find his latest multi-thousand-dollar bicycle or a great deal on a pair of flip-flops would be able to navigate his way to Yahoo's weekly pick-up suggestions or ESPN's Talented Mister Roto.

Crucial Victories and Crushing Defeats
Well obviously there's not a lot to choose from in terms of Crucial Victories, but let's at least take a moment to acknowledge that lone win. It came in Week 3, when Ray utterly decimated Papkin, 132 - 55. That was Anquan Boldin's week, scoring a season-best 32 points. And in addition to the usual excellence of Brady (22) and Gore (15), bit players like C.J. Spiller (16) and Carlson (12) looked like they might be a part of a big season. Sadly, neither reached double-figures again, but their efforts back in Week 3 would earn Ray Classic Soul Jam honors and $20, at least.
As far as Crushing Defeats, there are quite a few to choose from, but three of them stand out, two of which came at the hands of Joe Colly. Emblematic of the Buck-Stoppers season as a whole, Weeks 2 and 13 saw Ray post two of his highest point totals (113 and 92) and still fall well short of beating his opponent. Of the 1,348 points scored against Ray this season, over 20% came from Colly. Why you gotta hate my dad, Joe? Perhaps the only defeat more crushing than those blowouts may have been the Week 7 squeaker where the Wild Stallions topped the Buck Stops Here by a mere .28 points. Another couple steps on a Frank Gore run, another Brady-to-Welker completion, another Steelers tackle are all it would have taken, but Ray's squad never quite got there. Multiply that by 12, and you've got the story of a lost season right there.

The Playoff Run
...is certainly not an accurate name for this portion of Ray's write-up. "The Lottery Run" might be more accurate. But I digress: the point is to re-cap the end of the Buck Stops Here season.
In Week 11, even the most dependable of Buck-Stoppers failed to show up. Frank Gore's last pre-injury performance was a bust (6); Anquan Boldin did next to nothing (1), matching teammate John Carlson (1). Et tu, Carlson? Matt Cassel (15) and Terrell Owens (12) had decent days, but were of little significance in the face of Matt Ryan Loves Dogs' Ben Roethlisberger, Dwayne Bowe, Michael Turner, and Cedric Benson, who powered their team to a 107 - 80 victory.
If BSH's streak of 80-something scores had continued into Week 12, they would have gained their second win over an Emailarrhea team that only managed 75 points. Unfortunately, they chose that week to end their streak, and it wasn't by scoring more than 80-something. With Matt Cassel (28) and Wes Welker (21) blowing up, you'd think they were well on their way to a win. But the rest of the team did just about jackshit, combining for only 19 points between them. Carlson (0), Tim Hightower (0), T.O. (2) and Boldin (2) weren't asked for much, and provided even less. For shame, gentlemen. For shame.
Week 13 brought about BSH's last chance to add to that solitary single regular season win, and the squad stepped up, posting their highest point total (92) since Week 3. No single Buck-Stopper was outstanding, but many were good despite the absence of team leader Frank Gore, lost for the season the week before. Anquan Boldin (17) made up for his stinkers of the previous two weeks. Tashard Choice (16) proved himself a valuable pick-up. Wes Welker (14) continued his late-season success. It all sounds like the ingredients of a feel-good last-week redemption for Ray-Ray. Unfortunately, his opponent held no such sentimentality, despite a well-known fondness for baby pandas. Colly's Sex With a Pharaoh continued their domination of the elder Tarasovic by dropping 123 points on him and burying the team's hopes of erasing that 1 at the front end of the record.
And of course, because the Fantasy Gods are endlessly entertained by cruel ironies, Buck Stops Here managed to finally win in the utterly meaningless first round of the Consolation Playoffs Bracket, with big days from Brady (23), Brian Westbrook (17), and the Pittsburgh Defense (25).

What the Future Holds
Hopefully, the future holds some karma for Ray. Though his team was not full of incredible talent or wonderfully managed this year, they deserved way more than one win. That karmatic comeback should include a high draft pick next year, with Ray holding more names in the hat than anyone else. There are also some potentially valuable keepers in the stable with Wes Welker (4th) and Matt Cassel (9th) playing so well over the second half of this season. Nothing I've seen from C.J. Spiller has indicated that he'll be the starter in Buffalo next season, but if Fred Jackson somehow moves on, Spiller could see some definite value in the 5th. So the potential for a strong Buck Stops Here team is there in 2011, just so long as the Chief doesn't commit fantasy suicide before we get there.

Sovic~McClusterfuck (5-8 / 1,019 pts / 11th Place)
The Draft in Hindsight
When people are asking you, as they asked me, if your keepers are "some kind of joke" on draft day, that's probably not a good sign. And I never imagined that Laurence Maroney, Mario Manningham, and Bernard Scott were going to be the nucleus of my team, but I did think that in the 13th, 14th, and 15th rounds they might have some worth. Only in Manningham's case did that prove to be true. Left to build a team entirely through the draft, I found myself panicking at the end of the first round with many quality options off the board and needing to hit a home run. Despite my normal belief that good quarterbacks can be found late in the draft, I used that pick on Drew Brees, hoping that he would post one of those statistical anomaly seasons that can win a league like Manning in '06, Brady in '07, or, well, Brees the last two seasons. I paired him with Shonn Greene (2nd), who had been a beast through the playoffs last season and looked to be taking on the primary ball-carrying responsibilities of one of the best rushing teams in the league. Well, neither of those things happened, of course, and the rest of my draft was a similar run of swinging for the fences and whiffing big-time. Felix Jones (4th) was another high-ceiling running back who never really got off the floor. Kenny Britt (5th) did have one enormous fantasy week, but that was long after I'd dropped him from my roster for being a shitter early on. Santonio Holmes (6th) has been good, but it took him five weeks just to see the field, and a few more before he regained his fantasy form. Really the only draft picks that can be said to have gone well for me were Zach Miller (7th) and Austin Collie (9th), but both those guys have spent tons of time on the inactive list, leading to major inconsistency for the McClusterfuck.

Key Transactions
Sometimes looking back at the league transactions is just funny. For example, my biggest expenditure on the waiver wire this season was back on September 15th, when I acquired Fred Taylor for $12. Can anyone remember Fred Taylor even playing this season, much less playing at a level that was fantasy-viable, much less being on my team? I can't; but then again I've also got the memory of a peanut. That's why I like writing these things down. Anyways, besides the blockbuster acquisition of Fragile Freddy, the other big early-season move for the McClusterfuck was this season's lone trade (excluding the draft day Fasano-Green Bay Defense agreement) wherein I sent Brees to Haller's team in exchange for Matt Forte and Matt Ryan. This may be one of those oft-spoken-of but rarely executed trades in which both teams benefit. With Greene and Jones heinously underperforming, I was desperate for RB help, and my only real trade chip was Brees. Haller had a surfeit of startable backs with LeSean McCoy, Ray Rice, Joe Addai, and Forte in the stable and wanted an upgrade at QB. He got what he wanted in Brees, I got a RB who gave my team some stability at the position, and replaced Brees with Ryan, who hasn't been as good as DB but has provided a slightly faded facsimile of his production.
The other big acquisition for me this season was LeGarrette Blount (10/27, $11), who took a little time to claim the starting job in Tampa Bay, but has had some very solid outings since. Blount's greatest value to me probably wasn't this season, but will be discussed in What the Future Holds.

Crucial Victories and Crushing Defeats
My team did not score a lot of points this season. In fact, we scored less points than any other team in the league. I had a pair of cheap wins in the early part of the season with 76 and 66 points, and since I finished in 11th, it's hard to call any of my wins "crucial." But the win I can be proudest of is my Week 3 victory over Haller (who is really factoring in largely to my season in review) and his Cutler Crushes Cavalleri crew. This was a tight game, decided by less than three points (103 - 100) that wasn't settled until Monday night. It also represented my high score of the season and lone venture north of the 100-point mark. After the victory I was 2-1, Austin Collie (29 that week) was the best receiver in football, and the fantasy world looked like my fantasy oyster. Alas, the joy would not last for long as I would only win three more games the rest of the season.
Sometimes a defeat is crushing because it comes down to the wire. Sometimes it's crushing because it comes against a hated opponent. Sometimes it's crushing because it would have been a winning score in most other circumstances. My crushing defeat is none of these: it's my Week 9 loss to the Wild Stallions, 94 - 44. This loss was crushing because it drove home just how aful my team was. At that point in the season, we were 4-4, still very much alive in the playoff hunt, but were just coming off our lowest output (51 pts in Week 8) of the year. Looking for a bounce-back effort, I instead got an absolute turd from my boys. With the amount of time I put into fantasy every year (and admittedly, this year I've been less vigilant than in the past, but still pretty dedicated), I somehow imagine I should be immune from ugly outings like this. But in Week 9, my players barely put anything on the board, and two of them (Austin Collie and the Seattle Defense) actually took points off the board. I've won three of the past four championships in the BIFL league. I'm practically a lock to be in the playoffs in the Uberleague. Why is it that in the league I commissionerate I suck year after year? Very frustrating.

The Playoff Run
...saw me running in the opposite direction from the playoffs. Due to our crazy parity, it took a while for me to be completely eliminated from playoff potential, but three straight losses in the final three weeks of the season pretty much seals it. None of the games was a complete embarrassment like the one outlined above. In Week 11, for example, I got strong showings from Santonio Holmes (25), Matt Ryan (21), and Matt Forte (16), but the rest of the squad was mediocre-to-poor, and Michael Toobin's squad was not, soundly defeating me 106 - 84.
Week 12 saw a similar McClusterfuck score (85) and an even bigger opponent total (Woody's Warriors with 113). My high scorer for the week was my kicker, which is never a good sign, but to be fair Nate Kaeding's 19 is pretty impressive. Again, though, across-the-board decency couldn't compete with the Warriors big guns: Jay Cutler (28), the Jets' D (21), and Mike Goodson (20).
Though I didn't realize at the time that it would be his last game in the league, something in my gut told me I should give Koehler a win in Week 13. Santana Moss (2), Rob Gronkowski (1), and Mario Manningham (4) happily obliged, and though I pretended to put up a good show with my running backs combining for 32 points, in fact I was handing over one final victory to MRLD. Congrats and good bye, Koehler.

What the Future Holds
As alluded to earlier, I'm pretty psyched about my ability to keep LeGarrette Blount in the 15th round next year. I don't have any delusions that Blount will be the cornerstone of a championship team, but for Dock War/Zed Mervis/the Death Panel/McClusterfuck, having a potential Flex/RB2 keepable at the end of the draft is a huge step. Fellow waiver wire acquisition Seattle Mike Williams will also receive keeper consideration as an unspectacular but good-value possibility. Of my drafted players, Santonio Holmes (6th) could earn himself a keep if he continues his solid play and manages to not get suspended for the first four games of next season. Zach Miller (7th) and Austin Collie (9th) have also showed flashes of brilliance this year, but need to prove they can stay healthy before I'll waste a keeper spot on them. I'm not holding out any hope that the fantasy gods will bless me with a high draft pick next year, despite the fact that I'll have the second-most names in the hat, so I assume that I'll be building from the back end of the draft once again. Ever onward.

Sweet shit it took me like two weeks to write those two summaries. Now that I'm started, though, I'm determined to finish. It may be 2011 by the time I get there, but the remaining 2010 team write-ups are forthcoming.

BIFL - Some Week 13 Reviews

2010-12-12T21:57:00.000-05:00

Most of you passed on your opportunity to write Week 13 game reviews, which I found to be quite lame. But Justin and Dick answered the call. Their re-caps can be found after the jump.

Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (85) defeats Your Stepdad (79)
Just like your stepdad in real life, "Your Stepdad," after showing so much promise in the beginning, just ended up being another dick that fucks the dog. Take a little time to let that sink in..........In short, Dekkers "Stepdad's" were a total disappointment in week 13. Losing to the last ranked team in the league and getting knocked out of first place in the last regular season game has gotta sting a bit. And to add insult to injury, the player that singlehandedly won the game for the Iron Chef's also singlehandedly picked apart and embarrassed the Redskins Defense. That's right, the old veteran, Brandon Jacobs. Not only did he exceed his yearly average by about 16 points, he scored more points against the Redskins than he had the previous 4 weeks combined. Must have been because Haynesworth wasn't playing. But I digress. Although it was kind of Dekker to let me win the last game of the regular season after a shitty year, a simple QB substitution would have put me in the losers bracket once again. But fuck it--I'll take what I can get. Prediction: the Iron Chef's are going to win the Losers Bracket and by doing so, become the biggest losers.

Juse and the Argonauts (111) defeat Cow Fister (85)
The Argos win the pennant! The Argos win the pennant! This last weekend, the stars aligned, the clouds of the perfect storm parted to allow the Argos’ ship to sail through to first place in the league. I started off the weekend missing the Eagles’ game because I was watching “Must Love Dogs.” Ironic? Yes, if I was actually watching the movie and not at the f-ing hospital working missing Mr. Vick put up another respectable performance leading the team with (30) points. True story though, I read something about Percy Harvin needing to go to a specialist for his migraines – he had yet another episode which jeopardized his playing time. The gears in my head immediately started grinding with me daydreaming of being the migraine specialist neurologist to Mr. Harvin. Then I made a mental note to wake up early on Sunday to see if he was going to be able to play. I even dreamed about getting up and checking the ticker on my iPhone. But alas, being on the West Coast where the morning games start way too early, I woke up and saw that Mr. Harvin was already not playing. So the Argo’s took a hit with that goose egg. FML. My running backs sensed that the Argo’s were showing weakness in the WR corps and SJax and RunDMC put forth great efforts of 19 and 16.5, respectively. Cedric Benson did not want to feel left out scoring 17 from the bench. Yay, DMC made a tackle, I know that makes Sovic happy, or is it when he sees the kicker make a tackle? At least Marques Colston and Jason Witten (by the way a great deal at $1 acquisition off the waiver wire) have been producing down the stretch, hopefully they can continue the trends. The Argo Defense put forth a total of 14 point effort which has been a strength of the Argos giving that little extra… spunk. So Cow Fister lost. He had players that did not perform as well. Adrian Peterson is good (32 points on a bum leg) And here’s the secret behind my man-crush on RunDMC, it’s all based on my guilt from not drafting ADP his first year after leaving OU. I told myself I was going to draft him, and then I got greedy and thought I could wait one more round and get him for a deal, and I lost him. So I vowed to never let this college phenom out of my sights. What’s that sound? Oh yeah, it was Shoaf getting swept. I hope he still stands by his words when he said he didn’t feel so bad losing to me. Kinda like losing to the Bills?

BIFL - State of Your Team Address C

2010-12-09T00:56:00.000-05:00

The regular season is over, and with it come the end of the State of Your Team Addresses. Hopefully, later this week we'll see some Week 13 write-ups penned by the victors. Until then...

Vatican Dragons (6-7)

In the Draft...

...Andre left me puzzled. And not for the first time. With the opportunity to keep Steven Jackson in the 1st, 'Dre instead hung onto only Beanie Wells in the 6th, and focused his early draft on receiver and quarterback talent. He did, in fact, do very well for himself at those positions, ending up with a strong pair of receivers, Reggie Wayne (1st) and DeSean Jackson (2nd), and en elite quarterback in Philip Rivers (3rd). For a couple years now, the pre-season magazines and fantasy columnists have been emphasizing the death of the running back and the rise of the receiver. Andre obviously embraced that strategy, but would it work? He'd need to get at least something out of the RB position, and gave himself plenty of opportunities, whether it be Wells, Ronnie Brown (4th), Matt Forte (5th), or Tim Hightower (10th). One of those guys would have to work out, right?

In the Market...

Well, it sort of worked out. The best of those RBs turned out to be Matt Forte, who ended the season respectably just outside the top ten fantasy backs. Joining him in the backfield as of late September was BenJarvus Green-Ellis ($35), who's been equally respectable, especially lately. Fellow waiver wire grabs Davone Bess ($5) and Matt Cassel ($0) have also been solid late-season additions. So with a starting core of Rivers, Forte/Green-Ellis, and Wayne/Jackson/Bess, and a strong back-up QB in Cassel, how did this team miss the playoffs? Read on...

Recently...

In the past three weeks, the Vatican Dragons have had scores of 128, 70, and 118. Guess which one of those was a victory? If you guessed the Week 12 70-pointer against the HotCocks, then you're a) correct and b) way too aware of my set-up formula in writing these things. The point is, it's hard to justify Andre not being in the playoffs. He just came up against some insane opponents at a crucial time in the season. In Week 11, he played Your Stepdad, and despite 27 points from Philip Rivers, 18 from Reggie Wayne, 30 combined from the rushing crew, and 12 each from Marcedes Lewis and Justin Tuck(!), he still lost by 16 points. That sucks.

Week 12 was the lone victory mentioned earlier, and there isn't much good to say about it other than that it was a win. Forte (15) and Green-Ellis (17) made double-figures, but they were the only Dragons to do so. Then again, who needs points when you're playing a HotCocks squad that puts up only 63 of them.

In Week 13, Dre was playing for his playoff life, and had a legitimate shot. A loss by the HotCocks and a win by the Dragons would have given them equal records, and a decent point total would have given the Pope's chosen the tiebreaker. Decent point total? Check. HotCocks loss? Check. Dragons win? Shoulda been, but wasn't to be. Reggie Wayne (31) did everything he could to oust his former employer from the post-season. Green-Ellis (19) and Forte (15) brought it just as they had the previous two weeks. But 118 points, which will win you most BIFL games week in and week out, wasn't enough to top Spencer, who posted 129 and earned the victory to claim the Eastern Conference crown.

Moving Forward...

Andre has typically been a hard guy to predict when it comes to keepers. Depending on positioning, I wouldn't be shocked to see any of his top three picks from this year (Wayne-1, Jackson-2, or Rivers-3) kept. Forte has certainly out-played 5th-round status, and could make sense as well. Considering how good Rivers has been this year, I'd think Rivers-Forte would be the best option, leaving the first two rounds open to grab receivers and running back depth. But where most of us would zig, Andre tends to zag, so who knows what will become of the Vatican Dragons in the year to come?

Your Stepdad (8-5)
Thanks to the mid-summer machinations of Bruce Bardey, Ray Tarasovic, and Ken Shoaf, DDS, Dekker ended up in the coveted "three-keeper" position of having two later-round keepers and the top pick in the draft. Of course, the last time Dekker was in that position, he used the keeper anyway on Deuce McAllister, totally ignoring the fact that he could have just drafted him anyway. Thus was born the "Extremely Bitter" pseudonym that has finally, happily been put to rest. So could Dekker find some way to make himself extremely bitter again? Well, he certainly did his best. With two running backs already secured in Ray Rice (4th) and Jamaal Charles (10th), it was a bit of a surprise that Your Stepdad selected another ballcarrier, Maurice Jones-Drew, in the first round. Eventually it came out that a deal had been worked out mere minutes before the draft, and MJD was being shipped to the Pet Monkey for keeper wideout Randy Moss. Well that makes sense, right? A top running back for a top wide receiver? The only way I can imagine that going wrong is if the receiver became such a cancer to his team that he got himself traded, then dropped from his new team, then picked up by a team that didn't manage to make use of him in any way. But I can't imagine anything like that happening, and I'm sure Dekker can't either. Or at least he couldn't three months ago.
The rest of the Stepdad draft consisted of more early failures balanced by late successes. Matt Schaub (2nd) hasn't been awful, but he's been far from the elite QB a lot of us expected. Steve Smith 1.0 (3rd) has faltered in a second straight season of receiving passes from brain-eating zombies. But Jahvid Best (5th) has been good when not hampered by injuries; Dez Bryant (7th) has probably been the most successful offensive rookie (though like Best, he is now afflicted); and Terrell Owens (8th) was improbably effective in his move to Cincinnati. Despite his dumb mistakes, Dekker always seems to find a way.

In the Market...
Part of finding that way is making impactful moves on the waiver wire, and Dekker had a few this year. Mike Tolbert has had several strong weeks this year, though Dekker enjoyed only one of them, since he added him for $18 on September 24th and dropped him again a week later. More long-term benefits have been gained from the acquisition of Ryan Torain ($6) and, more recently, Steve Johnson ($18). On a personal level, my least favorite Stepdad pick-up came on November 3rd. My hatred for Dallas Clark is well-documented, so my schadenfraude boner was at full mast when he went down for the season. His replacement? Jacob Tamme, who Dekker acquired for $12 and then promptly used to beat me in Week 9.

Recently...
I had not realized until just now how hot Your Stepdad was over the second half of the season. Dekker strung together six straight wins between Week 7 and Week 12, never scoring less than 94 points and often scoring quite a bit more. Week 11 was the apex of that run, representing the Stepdad's highest scoring output of the season. It was needed, too, as his opponent, the Vatican Dragons, came to play. But even their strong day could not overcome the 69 combined points put forth by Ben Roethlisberger and Steve Johnson. Those two must have been really sucking each other's dicks after such a victory (see what I did there? with the 69 thing?). Rice (18), Owens (13), and Charles (11) also contributed to this valuable victory.
Week 12 brought another win, this time over Spring Naught-Naught rival Pet Monkey, 95 - 84. This time, the Stepdads were led by Jamaal Charles (24), who appears once again to be stepping up just in time for the fantasy playoff run. Jacob Tamme and Ray Rice (12) also chipped in on this one, and while the rest of the team was rather ordinary, it generally doesn't take anything extraordinary to take out the Monkey.
That brought Dekker to Week 13 at 8-4, with a legitimate shot at the Western Conference Championship and a first round bye. All he had to do was put up a strong enough point total to overtake the Argonauts, and secure an easy win over the worst team in the league, the Iron Chef of Pounding Poon. The result can not have brought a lot of confidence to a team entering the playoffs. The Iron Chef took it, 85 - 79. Matt Schaub (19) and Jamaal Charles (17) were pretty strong, but the rest of the team played as if they were already thinking about the post-season, overlooking their Week 13 opponents. Now, instead of a first-round playoff bye, the Stepdad will be meeting the HotCocks, a team that has historically had their number in the playoffs.

Moving Forward...
The Week 13 loss may have caused some concern for a team that was looking so good previously. Did the Stepdads blow their wad in that 6-game win streak, or are they primed to pick up where they left off after Week 12? The answer will rely heavily on whether Charles can have a stretch run similar to last year's and whether Johnson can stop blaming God for dropped passes and start putting up 30-point days again.
Looking to 2011, there are some good options here for Dekker. With the 3-round drop, Ray Rice becomes a stretch as a 1st-round keep, but Jamaal Charles still looks great in the 7th. If Jahvid Best (5th) can stay healthy, he's potentially the kind of rookie keeper you can build a 2-3 year run around, and the same could be said for Dez Bryant (7th). Just like when he found your mom and her lucrative alimony settlement, the future looks bright for Your Stepdad.

BIFL - State of Your Team Address B

2010-12-04T20:03:00.000-05:00

We now pick up with the latter half of the league, alphabetically speaking.

Juse and the Argonauts (8-4)

In the Draft...

The road back to respectability actually began at last year's draft for the Argonauts, when Juse snagged the surprising Cedric Benson in the 6th round. Keeping Benson and Jay Cutler (8th) didn't necessarily lead to the Argos' success this year, as neither of those two have been outstanding, but it did give Juse some flexibility in the early rounds that led to some solid picks. Taking Steven Jackson with the second overall pick was a no-brainer, but without Benson in the stable, Juse might have been tempted to use his Marques Colston (2nd), Steve Smith (3rd) or Percy Harvin (4th) pick on some shabby RB2 or even a quarterback instead of accruing valuable depth at wideout. And those picks, in turn, freed him up to gamble yet again on his undying man-crush, Darren McFadden (7th). I don't know what Darren McFadden ever did to make him self so beloved by Juse, but this year he may have actually earned that devotion, at least when he's been healthy.

In the Market...

...Juse pounced where I did not, and got himself the year's most electrifying quarterback and possessor of the biggest fantasy day of the year, Michael Vick ($0 - ugh, really? for free? fuck me). Other than that, none of Juse's free agent pick-ups have been particularly notable, but Vick has been plenty notable for a whole team's worth of acquisitions.

Recently...

...the Argos have been on a hot streak, losing only one game since Week 6. That lone defeat came in Week 11, where they actually posted a pretty strong total but lost in a close one to I'm Fucking In, 111 - 106. Cedric Benson's 20 bench points would have been useful in this one, with Steven Jackson and Darren McFadden combining for a mere seven points. Despite the rushing weakness, however, Juse managed to top a century thanks to excellent outings from Mike Vick (21) and Marques Colston (25), who had his best day of the year. The league also fined James Harrison (11) that week for scoring too many IDP points.

Week 12 brought a return to winning for the Argos, though their score was actually lower than in the loss the week before. Once again, Vick was outstanding (29). The rest of the team was very unspectacular, with only Colston (12) even getting into double figures, but with enough random contributions (9 each from Jason Witten, Donte Whitner and Matt Bryant) the Argonauts were able to eke out a 100 - 96 victory over Kurt Beran, a game that may have consigned Chuck to the Consolation Bracket.

This week's match-up with Cow Fister, who are also 8-4, could potentially sew up a first-round bye for Juse, and he's already off to a great start with Vick having posted 30 points in the Thursday night game.

Moving Forward...

At 8-4, Juse is a lock for the playoffs, but he'll need his running backs, who've scored 21 total points between them over the past two weeks, to get back on track if he plans on doing any damage. Of course, Vick is a huge X factor, and it wouldn't be surprising to see him single-handedly carry this team to a title (much like he did in the HotCocks first title run many years ago). At the same time, the playoffs are a single-elimination tournament, and one down game from Vick could mean curtains for the Argonauts.

As far as next year goes, I can't see much reason (despite their recent struggles) for Juse not to stick with his running back tandem of Steven Jackson (1st) and Darren McFadden (7th). If he lucks out again with a high enough draft pick to re-take Jackson or some other elite RB without keeping him, the likeliest options would seem to be one of that trio of highly-drafted receivers, Colston (2nd), Smith (3rd), or Harvin (4th).

Kurt Beran (6-6)
In the Draft...
...Chuck entered this year with the cornerstones of his team already in place in the form of Frank Gore (1st round keeper) and Roddy White (4th round keeper). Both of those guys have lived up to their billing, but the rest of Chuck's early draftees have been busts in one way or another. Ryan Mathews (2nd), this year's hot rookie draft pick, has never topped 12 points and has missed a bunch of time due to injuries. Tony Romo (3rd) was having a fine season, but then his gash was split wide open in Week 7 and we haven't seen him since. Vincent Jackson (5th) has played about five minutes this season and hasn't scored a single fantasy point. And Jason Witten (6th) has been a shadow of his former self in the Cowboys' disappointing season. So how has this team managed six wins? Well, one big reason has been Chuck's surprising 7th-round selection, LaDainian Tomlinson, who has delivered borderline RB1 numbers for much of the season.

In the Market...
A second big reason for the Phonarchs having any success has been McNutt's early-season acquisition of Brandon Lloyd ($1 - God, all of the season's big pick-ups have been so cheap!). While most of us saw Lloyd's Week 1 13-point outburst and thought "Well, I've watched Brandon Lloyd for years, and he's a piece of shit, so I'm sure that won't happen again," Chuck thought "Well, I've watched Brandon Lloyd for years, and he's a piece of shit, so I'm sure that won't happen again, but it's probably worth spending a buck and dropping Kenny Britt to find out." Another big pick-up for Chuck (though he probably didn't anticipate it being so important at the time) was acquiring David Garrard ($2) in early October. Since Romo went down, Garrard has been pressed into starting service and has been a more than able replacement, averaging 22 points per game in his last four outings.

Recently...
After Week 8, I wrote some playoff projections that included Kurt Beran going on a winning streak to close out the season, flying into and through the playoffs to make the Biffle Bowl. Well, that hasn't quite happened. In fact, right after I wrote that, they scored all of 35 points in Week 9. Whoops!
At least in Week 11 the Phonarchs proved me right, albeit more due to a lousy opponent - they beat the Lower Loudoun Tribe 83 - 54 - than to any particular excellence on their own part. Lloyd (14) was their high scorer in that game, which is not a very high score for a high scorer, but with 10s from Garrard, Tomlinson, White, Mike Thomas, and Julius Peppers, they got more than enough to scalp the Tribe.
Week 12 saw a better score but a worse result as the Phonarchs fell to the Argonauts, 100 - 96. Once again, Lloyd (21) led the team in scoring, with David Garrard (16) and Todd Heap (15) making solid contributions. But the big story in this one was the loss of Frank Gore (5) for the rest of the season with a fractured hip. In losing Gore and this game, any hopes of a championship for Chuck were likely shut down like the Phonarch shutting down Beta Iota.

Moving Forward...
Chuck's playoff hopes are not dead yet, but he'll need a win in Week 13, a loss by me with a point total at least seven points lower than his, and a loss by Andre or a win that doesn't surpass his score by 10 points. That's a lot of conditions. And with Gore out and Tomlinson ceding more and more carries to Shonn Greene every week, how far could Chuck go in the playoffs anyway?

The good news regarding Gore is that he'll apparently be healed and ready to play well in advance of next year, but the bad news for Chuck is that he won't be able to keep him thanks to the new keeper rules. Roddy White will still be keepable, but as a 1st round value probably won't be worth it unless Chuck falls to the latter part of the first round. Does Tomlinson (7th) have enough left in the tank to justify keeping? Will Vincent Jackson (5th) actually play next year? Does Chuck gamble that next year becomes the year we were all expecting from Ryan Mathews (2nd) this year? Much is unclear in the future of the Crania.

Lower Loudoun Tribe (5-7)
In the Draft...
Heading into this season, it was hard to imagine anyone putting together a wide receiver corps that was better than the one Bardey already had under contract. With Andre Johnson (1st) and Brandon Marshall (3rd) as keepers, presumably all Bardey needed was some decent backs and a reasonable quarterback to establish a winning team. Unfortunately, it didn't work out that way. Underwhelmed by the RB availability in the second round, Bardey opted to go for a home run at quarterback with Tom Brady. That meant not getting a tailback until the fourth round, and four of the next five picks were spent trying to find someone who would emerge as a dependable starter. Neither Jonathan Stewart (4th), C.J. Spiller (5th), Ricky Williams (7th), or Marion Barber (8th) ever became that guy. And with Marshall failing to live up to his pre-season ranking, things started to look kind of bleak for the Tribe.

In the Market...
...many of Bardey's waiver wire efforts were spent in trying to fill that gaping hole at running back. Remember, he was willing to spend $61 on Brandon Jackson, and couldn't have foreseen Chalski out-bidding him by $39. The players he did end up with were Marshawn Lynch ($10) and Chris Ivory ($17), both of whom had some usefulness but never emerged as game-changers. Bardey finally found the back he was looking for a few weeks ago in Ahmad Bradshaw, but he had to trade away Dwayne Bowe to get him, and Bowe has since emerged as an unstoppable fantasy force. Bradshaw, meanwhile, has had his worst stretch of the season. Oh, Bardey.

Recently...
As was mentioned in the Kurt Beran summary, Week 11 was not a strong one for the Lower Loudounians. New addition Bradshaw provided a paltry point and a half, but that tripled the score of his backfield mate Marshawn Lynch. Brady (15) and James Jones (11) were the bright spots, but with Johnson and Marshall combining for seven, Bardey needed them to be police-spotlight-bright, and instead they were more like keychain-flashlight-bright. More lumens, Dois!
Week 12 did, indeed, see increased luminosity from the Tribesmen, mostly in the form of the Pats' Thanksgiving connection of Brady (33) to Deion Branch (27). Their scoring outburst combined with Bardey's ownership of them in two leagues, prompted him to text me that it was the "best fantasy day of [his] life." This guy should try winning a championship some time.

Moving Forward...
"Some time" will not be this year, however, as the 5-7 Tribe find themselves on the outside of the playoffs looking in. They do, however, have the chance to play spoiler to Alligator Fuckhouse's Eastern Conference championship hopes, and are off to a good start thanks to Andre Johnson's 17-point outing on Thursday night.
For 2011, it's starting to look like Bardey's best keeper option is now on the Fuckhouse roster, but the man Bardey got in return, Ahmad Bradshaw, could certainly be a valuable keep in the 6th round. Tom Brady in the 2nd feels like a bit of a stretch, but it might be the best other option available here unless Bardey wants to roll the dice on C.J. Spiller (5th). Nothing he has done this season has suggested that he's headed for a brilliant career, but the off-season fantasy hype machine can often convince us that greatness is just a few more touches away.

Pet Monkey (4-8)
In the Draft...
Actually, this should start "Before the Draft..." because Billy was already wheeling and dealing before the Monday Night Football theme blared from your laptops and the drafting commenced. With a stellar quarterback under contract late (Aaron Rodgers, 9th) and an all-time great receiver in the second (Randy Moss), Billy needed running backs. He got his chance when Dekker, who had lucked into the first pick of the draft and already had two RBs kept (Ray Rice and Jamaal Charles), offered him the best rusher available in exchange for Moss. Billy pounced. Though the trade would not be consummated until a few days later, Billy began the draft knowing that he had a top runner on the way in Maurice Jones-Drew, but was down a WR1. Confident in his ability to find quality receivers later, Billy used his own first-round pick on DeAngelo Williams, building what looked to be an outstanding RB tandem. In choosing his receivers, Hollywood alternated between high-ceiling breakout options (Mike Sims-Walker in the 3rd; Laurent Robinson in the 10th) and old reliable veterans (Donald Driver in the 4th; Santana Moss in the 6th). It all sounds like a formula for success. I bet Billy even felt good about his team for a little while. I wonder when he remembered that he's Billy and that he's destined to always suck at fantasy. When he scored 62 points in Week 1? When Sims-Walker had two 0-fers in his first four games? When he was 2-4 after six weeks? When Williams, who had already been turning in a lousy season, went down after Week 7? Or did he secretly, deep down in his soul, always know it was never going to work out?

In the Market...
Although Dekker's team has ultimately been more successful, it should be noted that the trade has worked out to be hugely lop-sided in Billy's favor. He gave up a receiver who has spent time on three different reality rosters this season and has scored a total of four points since Week 7 and got an elite running back in return. Not a bad deal. Besides that, though, not a lot of big-time moves for the Monkeys. Their biggest expenditure on the season was Tony Gonzalez ($32), who has been extremely mediocre. Oh and remember that brief stretch where Roy Williams looked like an awesome receiver for the first time in years? Billy got a piece of that (for $0, no less) before Williams came back down to earth.

Recently...
Week 11 is as good as it's gotten for the Monkeys this season, with their highest point total of the season and a win over the Cholish Chachfaces, 115 - 87. Billy's big three all came to play, with Aaron Rodgers notching 34 points, Maurice Jones-Drew scoring 25, and Santana Moss chipping in 18 (I know, Santana does not really deserve to be considered a part of any "big three," but he's basically Billy's de facto WR1 this season. This was Monkey football at its best, but even here we can see the types of holes that have led to a 4-8 record, like Justin Forsett's 4-point contribution or Roy Williams' 2-point day.
Week 12 was back to business as usual, that being the business of losing, 95 - 84, to the same Your Stepdad team that gave him MJD in the first place. Jones-Drew himself had a decent day (13 points), and Aaron Rodgers was once again spectacular (30), but it's hard to overcome your RB2 scoring no points and your three receivers combining for 12 points.

Moving Forward...
Since he was freshly drafted by Dekker this season, Jones-Drew is available to Billy next year in the first and will likely be better than anyone available. Other than that, the best option may be the other piece of that trade, Sidney Rice, who spent most of this season on the bench but, as a last-round draft pick, will represent a value keeper next year even if the Minnesota passing game is still a mess.

Well, guys, I had hoped to get all of these done by the Sunday games, but it's now 8 on Saturday, I'm headed to dinner and a birthday party, and I don't like to wake up too early on Sunday. So we'll see. Vatican Dragons and Your Stepdad, I promise you'll get write-ups, they just might not come out til next week.

BIFL - State of Your Team Address A

2010-12-01T23:07:00.001-05:00

Last week, I figured I'd have a little extra time on my hands to do the weekly write-ups and fold in some overall analysis of each team's make-up in terms of contributions from drafted/kept players and waiver wire pick-ups. Well, that didn't happen, and here now we find ourselves with only one week left in the regular season, with the playoffs just around the corner. With that in mind, I am eschewing the write-ups entirely (since I've basically run out of ways to re-phrase the same thing week in and week out) in favor of a full-scale look at each franchise in the league. Where have they come from? What have they done recently? Where do they stand with regard to the playoffs? And what do they have to look forward to? By the time I finish, all these questions (and more!) will have been answered. Get excited.

Alligator Fuckhouse (7-5)
In the Draft...
...the Fuckhouse started with some solid keeper values. Nobody was expecting Jeremy Maclin or Rashard Mendenhall to be top-5 talents at their positions, but in the 9th and 12th rounds, respectively, neither needed to be to greatly outplay their draft spots. Mendenhall has been an able RB2 all season long, and Maclin was a solid WR2/3 until Souts upgraded his receivers and moved him to the bench. The non-keeper portion of Souts' draft initially looked like a failure. Shonn Greene, taken in the 1st to be an RB1, has rarely been worth starting this season. 2nd-rounder Greg Jennings reached double-digits just once in the first five weeks. 3rd-rounder Dallas Clark was sent to Injured Reserve after Week 5. But a pair of mid-round gems, Mike Wallace (5th) and Ahmad Bradshaw (6th) kept Fuckhouse hope alive, and soon Jennings started heating up as well. With some savvy transactions, the Fuckhouse became a powerhouse.

In the Market...
...Souts has not made a ton of big moves, but two he has made are some of the biggest in the league this season. Inarguably the year's most valuable waiver wire pick-up is Peyton Hillis, who Souts got for five dollars (FIVE DOLLARS!) back on September 22nd. To give you some perspective: that same day, Dekker added Demaryius Thomas for $16; Juse added Jason Snelling for $14; I added Josh Freeman for $13; and Andre added Marcedes Lewis for $10. Fuck us. Hillis has gone on to average 17 points a game, and is the third-ranked player at his position. Almost as important as Hillis' points contribution is the freedom it gave Steve to trade away another back (he had three solids between Hillis, Mendenhall, and Bradshaw, and a reasonable back-up in Greene) to upgrade at receiver. Initially, this led Souts to offer me a trade of Hillis for Wes Welker. Unfortunately for me, Steve realized that trade was batshit crazy, and he instead found a home for Ahmad Bradshaw on Bardey's roster in exchange for Dwayne Bowe. Then, of course, Bowe turned into the best receiver in the history of football (averaging 32 points a game over the past three weeks). So, yeah. I'd say Souts made some good moves.

Recently...
...the Fuckhouse has been firing on all cylinders. In Week 11, they posted the week's highest score, defeating the Iron Chef of Pounding Poon 157 - 91. The league's high scorers were led by the week's high scorer, Greg Jennings (37), but it was hardly a one-man effort. Bowe (24), Wallace (22), Hillis (19) and Joe Flacco (18) all posted outstanding numbers, easily overshadowing the lone Fuckhouse disappointment (Visanthe Shiancoe - 0).
In Week 12, they were at it again, dismantling I'm Fucking In 141 - 96. I'm pretty sure Peyton Hillis (39) had scored three touchdowns by the first game break update in Sunday's broadcast (shocker: they were not showing the Browns-Panthers clash in NYC). Dwayne Bowe (37) was a little slower, spreading his three touchdowns out over the length of the game, but was no less devastating. Feeling left out after Week 11's onslaught, Rashard Mendenhall (21) decided to get in on the action as well.

Moving Forward...
...there's not a team that's scarier heading into the playoffs than this bunch. Part of the 7-5 logjam, Souts looks forward to a Week 13 match-up with the relatively weak Lower Loudoun Tribe, and with a strong point total appears a lock to make the playoffs. If the recent scoring outburst continues, this could be our 2010 champion. Coming back in 2011, Souts won't be able to hold onto MVP Hillis, but will still have plenty of strong keeper options in Wallace (5), Bowe (6), Maclin (6), and Mendenhall (9). After a few years of struggle after re-joining the league, Souts may have built a contender.

Ass-Ramming HotCocks (7-5)
In the Draft...
...I came in for the last time with my championship RB tandem of Michael Turner (1st) and Chris Johnson (4th), but pretty much every single new pick I made this year has worked out poorly. The disappointment of Larry Fitzgerald (2nd) has been well-documented, but Wes Welker (3rd) has quietly been just as disappointing. Apparently I drafted Bernard Berrian in the 5th, but I have no recollection of him ever actually playing for my team. Jermichael Finley (6th) was a solid contributor until his knee exploded. The HotCocks have historically relied on late-round breakouts, but the only player who remotely fits that description this year is Malcom Floyd (10th), and he's missed a huge swath of the season with injury.

In the Market...
...I've had to be pretty active, considering the uselessness of my drafted players. Probably the biggest transaction for the HotCocks season was a non-move: after drafting Kevin Kolb, I declined to pick up Michael Vick early in the season. Bad move. Since then, the HotCocks have fielded a rotating door of Josh Freeman ($13), Chad Henne ($7), Shaun Hill ($6), Matthew Stafford ($0), and Ryan Fitzpatrick ($12). If I somehow manage to win the league again this season, I'm making
Josh&
Chad&
Shaun&
Matthew&
Ryan
t-shirts along the lines of my Hogs and '98 Bullets tees. Some moderately more successful acquisitions have been LeGarrette Blount ($1), Kenny Britt ($10), and Mario Manningham ($3), though Britt's success was basically a one-week explosion and he has since found his way to greener pastures (Souts' roster). My declaration a few weeks back that Blount may be stealing Michael Turner's starting spot was probably premature (and dumb), but it does seem to have lit a fire under the Burner. Then again, when you're describing an acquisition as one of your best of the season, it's not a good sign if all it does is give you a decent third option at RB and imaginary motivation for your starters.

Recently...
After a 7-3 start, the HotCocks are limping towards the end of the regular season with two straight losses and sub-par performances. Week 11 was not a horrible effort, with Turner (21) and Johnson (15) putting up solid numbers and Nate Washington (13) and Larry Fitzgerald (15) contributing from the receiver position. The problem arose in the bottom half of my box score, where the TE through K positions combined for a mere 13 points, three less than Shoaf's Graham "Go-Go" Gano (16) by himself, and sixteen less than the total of Shoaf's same positional range.
Week 12 was more of your classic wet fart of a performance. There may have been a time in the past where my franchise was strong enough to overcome an 0-fer from Chris Johnson, but this team certainly is not. Turner (19) and Manningham (12) tried to bring it a bit, but the rest of the team was all like "ehhhhh... not this week."

Moving Forward...
At 7-5, this team is still going to scratching and clawing this final week to ensure a playoff spot. Going up against the 4-8 Cholish Chachfaces might help me make it to the tournament stage, but without something going magically right, I can't see doing much damage. As for 2011, I'll be sad to see the Michael Turner era of the HotCocks go (unless I get the chance to re-draft him), and prepare for my last year with Chris Johnson under contract. Joining Johnson, I can't really see sticking with either of my low-round receivers, unless Arizona brings in a Hall of Famer to toss it to Fitzy or Wes Welker proves a lot over the last part of the season. Most likely we'll see Jermichael Finley or Malcom Floyd re-up for another season with the Ass-Rammers.

Cholish Chachfaces (4-8)
In the Draft...
It's hard to argue with the logic of keeping Ryan Grant (2nd) and Knowshon Moreno (5th), but at the same time, it's hard to ever imagine this team feeling confident relying on an RB engine of Grant-Moreno. If the Cholacks were to harbor any hopes of a championship, they would have had to do something spectacular in the draft... which they did not. Besides taking Calvin Johnson in the 1st, the rest of Mark's picks range somewhere from mediocre (Vernon Davis, 4th; Eli Manning, 8th) to disappointing (Pierre Garcon, 3rd) to outright lame (Jerome Harrison, 6th). Once Ryan Grant went down, all hope was basically lost unless Mark could hit a home run on the waiver wire. Which brings us to...

In the Market...
...where Chalski dropped all one hundred of his FAAB dollars on Brandon Jackson after Week 1. I defy him to ever explain the logic of this. I know, he needed to replace the most important player on his team, and Jackson (as Grant's real-life replacement) was the most obvious choice. And I know, Jackson was obviously the most highly-touted pick-up from all the fantasy experts that week. And I know, everyone else in the league still had a full budget to play with. But $100? The whole shebang? For a guy who had had opportunities before and done nothing with them? Even if he'd have gone with $90, he'd have outbid the next-highest bidder (Bardois) by $29 and still had enough left to outbid Souts for Peyton Hillis the next week. Amazingly, Chalski has actually managed to pick up a handful of startable RBs despite having no money to spend on them, including Mike Tolbert, Chris Ivory, and Mike Goodson. Of course, he also picked up Jackson, Kevin Smith, and Mike Bell. I guess when you're taking a swing at every running back that comes down the waiver wire pike, you're bound to hit a few.

Recently...
...the Chachfaces have actually posted some of their best point totals of the year in the past few weeks, thanks largely to the afore-mentioned Mr. Tolbert, but those haven't resulted in any wins. Back in Week 11, Tolbert led the team with 23 points, with Knowshon close behind at 17 (and Mike Goodson even closer behind at 21, but on the bench). Unfortunately, the rest of the Cholish team failed to follow suit, with especially lame performances from Eli Manning (7), Lance Moore (4) and Vernon Davis (0) and fell to the Pet Monkey, 87 - 115.
In Week 12, Tolbert (19) once again paced the team, and Goodson's similar efforts (19) were once again left on the bench. This time, the rest of the Polese mucked in a little bit more, with Eli (17), Knowshon (15) and Megatron (15) all contributing. Unfortunately, Mark faced off against Bardey's second-best day of the season and came away with another loss, 102 - 117.

Moving Forward...
...no last-week miracle can sneak the Chachfaces into the playoffs, so it's all about 2011 (well, the Consolation Ladder and then 2011) from here on out. Chalski has kept Ryan Grant in his IR spot all season, so maybe he doesn't realize that with Bardey's new rule, he won't be able to keep him next year. That leaves only solid players at questionable prices like Calvin Johnson (1st) and Knowshon Moreno (2nd) or perhaps the quarterback tandem of Eli Manning (8th) and Matt Ryan (9th). In other words, 2011 is shaping up to be another re-building year for Chalski.

Cow Fister (8-4)
In the Draft...
...Shoaf did what he always does, and may never manage to do again after the rule change: he kept guys in the 1st and 2nd rounds. Will has been doing this for so long that when we schedule the draft every year, he writes the time in 20 minutes later because his draft doesn't start 'til the 3rd round. Normally, he backs up keeper studs like Adrian Peterson (1st) and Peyton Manning (2nd) with a bunch of shitters, but this year he managed to draft some solid support. Michael Crabtree (3rd) and Hines Ward (4th) have both had useful outings; Santonio Holmes (7th) has been coming on strong since returning from suspension; Zach Miller (10th) has been an elite tight end when healthy; and it may be forgotten now but for the first few weeks of the season, Austin Collie (11th) was the highest-scoring receiver in the league.

In the Market...
In looking over Shoaf's transaction record, I am somewhat shocked by the sheer number of transactions that Cow Fister has transacted this season. In fact, if you look at the oft-ignored "TransCounter" feature of the site, you'll see that no one but Spencer had more add/drops than Will. (Spencer blew him out of the water, though. Jesus, Spencer. Chill out on the waiver wire.) The appearance of so many add/drops is exacerbated by the fact that Will seems to often do those things individually. He drops a guy. And then he adds a guy. When it can be done in one fell swoop. Annoying. Wading through this encyclopedia of roster moves, none stands out as terribly significant or helpful. Maybe David Gettis ($9) gave a few quality weeks? Danny Woodhead ($5) has scored some points?

Recently...
...the Fisters have rattled off two straight victories after a three-game mid-season slide. The first win came at my expense, and can be attributed almost entirely to an arm (Peyton Manning's 27), two hands (Santonio Holmes' 28), and a foot (Graham Gano's 16). Those three accounted for 65% of Cow Fister's 109 - 93 win over the HotCocks.
Last week's triumph was much more evenly divided, although it was cumulatively significantly lower; fortunately, the opponent was the lowly Poon-Pounders. Peyton Manning, Adrian Peterson, Hines Ward, Johnny Knox, and Santonio Holmes each scored between 10 and 12 points in an 82 - 74 victory.

Moving Forward...
...Shoaf is locked in a three-way tie at the top of the Western Conference, albeit with the lowest point total of the three. He's playing fellow 8-4 team Juse and the Argonauts in Week 13, meaning that a win, combined with a Your Stepdad loss, would assure him a first-round bye. Could there be a worse time for Adrian Peterson to have injured himself? Shoaf must be shitting a human fist. Without that bye, and without a fully healthy AP, I have a hard time seeing Shoaf winning three consecutive games in the playoffs.
Going into next year, the franchise will be saying good bye to the players that have defined them the past few seasons. Who will pick up the mantle of Cow Fistiness? Felix Jones may be worth a 5th-rounder again, but unless something crazy happens in the next few weeks, it's not like that'll be a steal. Santonio Holmes (7) and Fred Jackson (8) have been strong the past several weeks, and continued performance at that level would certainly justify keeper status. And if Zach Miller (10) or Austin Collie (11) can get back to pre-injury levels, they'll constitute some great value. So cheer up, Fister, the cupboard's hardly bare.

I'm Fucking In (7-5)
In the Draft...
...Spencer started out with a curious strategy. Despite the fact that he was keeping a first-rounder (Drew Brees), he opted for the fourth spot in the draft, which left his first real pick until late in the second. Luckily, that netted him LeSean McCoy, who's been better than any of the RBs taken ahead of him in that round (to wit: Ryan Mathews, Pierre Thomas). With Brees, McCoy, and keeper Hakeem Nicks (9th) in the fold, the nucleus for success was built. On top of that, Spence hit home runs with some of his middle round picks. 4th-rounder Antonio Gates absolutely dominated the first half of the season, and 5th-rounder Arian Foster is the top running back in the league this year. It's hard to imagine a better starting line-up than QB Brees, RB1 Foster, RB2 McCoy, WR1 Nicks, WR2 Anquan Boldin (3rd round), WR3 Tampa Mike Williams (10th), and TE Gates. The only thing holding this team back from dominating the league has been injuries.

In the Market...
...as was previously mentioned, Spencer has been extraordinarily active. Most of those moves have been pretty unexciting, as the Frogg seems to have a fetish for IDP turnover. For example: at DL, Will Smith gave way to Mathias Kiwanuka, who was replaced by Sione Pouha, who turned into Rob Ninkovich, who was flipped for Haloti Ngata, who is now James Hall. That's a lot of work for guys who produce 3.5 points a week. Spence's biggest expenditure and probably best pick-up has been for a guy who never played: Fred Jackson ($25). Freddie has been something of a monster the past three weeks, but with Foster and McCoy entrenched in the starting line-up, hasn't really gotten any PT for IFI. Still, RB depth is never a bad thing, especially headed into the playoffs.

Recently...
...Spence has been handling a difficult end-of-season schedule pretty well. His past four opponents have been likely playoff teams with a combined record of 31-17, and IFI has managed to come out of those games 2-2, despite a hobbled Gates and an MIA Nicks. In Week 11 they won a tight one, 111 - 106, against Juse's formidable Argonauts squad. Leading the way was the power trio of ~~Jack Bruce, Eric Clapton and Ginger Baker~~ Drew Brees (29), Arian Foster (23) and LeSean McCoy (23), who overcame the injury to Nicks (6) and a poor outing by Boldin (1) to take this one.
Week 12 was not such a happy outcome, as IFI found themselves up against a scoring machine in the form of the Alligator Fuckhouse, who won 146 - 96. Foster once again went for 23, with Brees posting a respectable 18, but none of the other Kenny Powers disciples were able to approach what Souts' boys were putting up.

Moving Forward...
...At 7-5, Spence currently leads the Eastern Conference but record-wise is tied with me and Souts. That means that the Week 12 result could mean the difference between a first-week bye and as low as the six seed. But the good news is that with the dominant point total in the league, the Frogg has put himself in position to win any tie-breaker and is a lock to at least make the playoffs. With Nicks and Gates on the mend, this likely represents Spencer's best shot at a title in recent memory.
Not that the window is closing or anything. There won't be an easier keeper decision next year than Arian Foster in the 5th, and Spence can supplement that with McCoy (2), Gates (4), Nicks (6) or Williams (10). Those are some solid options.

Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (2-10)
In the Draft...
...Dick was the lone owner to enter sans keepers, suggesting that last year's team was pretty useless. And nothing that happened in the draft suggested that this year's crew would be anything different. Miles Austin in the first? OK. That works. Pierre Thomas in the second? Nope. He's not an RB1. Chad Ochocinco in the third? Whoops, probably should have taken another RB. Or Terrell Owens, who turned out way better than Ochocinco. Joseph Addai in the fourth? Brett Favre in the fifth? Oh no. That won't work out at all. I could go on, but you get the idea. And obviously all of this is easier to see in hindsight, but honestly most of it was pretty easy to see in foresight. You would think an eagle-eyed fighter pilot might have been able to see some of these bogeys sneaking up on him.

In the Market...
...After such a lame draft, one would have expected Dick to be active on the waiver wire. And yet... $98. That is how much money the Poon-Pounders have left in their budget. Dick has spent two dollars on free agents to improve a two-win team. Who was worth the splurge? Adam Vinatieri and Cadillac Williams, for a buck each. Williams, by the way, was picked up after LeGarrette Blount had taken his job. All I can say is thank you, Dick, for your dues every year, especially since they've ended up in my hands three of the past four years. But I'd rather have you be involved (or cede your team to someone who will be).

Recently...
...As has been noted, the Poon-Pounders have only two wins, and neither came recently. Week 11 was actually a pretty good week, relatively speaking, for the Iron Chef, as he put up his third-highest point total of the year with a whopping 91 points. Unfortunately, that left him about 66 point shy of the Fuckhouse juggernaut. Donovan McNabb (21) and Thomas Jones (19) both out-performed their averages by a healthy margin, but go ahead back to Souts' write-up to see why that wasn't nearly enough.
Week 12 was a return to familiar territory for the Poon-Pounders, who probably suffered from vertigo from their flirtation with triple digits and felt much more comfortable back in the seventies where they belong (final: 82 - 74, Cow Fister). The team was led in scoring by Dan Carpenter (17), and normally I would say that it's embarrassing to be led in scoring by a kicker (and really, it still is), but Dan Carpenter is fucking awesome. It's a shame Bryan didn't draft him, he'd be a surefire keeper.

Moving Forward...
...Once the Iron Chef bombs out of the Consolation Ladder, he can start to look forward to next year. The good news is that no one will suffer the three-round drop; Dick has the pick of the litter. The bad news is that "litter" is a pretty accurate description of the options here, in the "garbage on the street" sense. Miles Austin (1) is obviously the most talented player on this roster, but whether he's worth a first round keep will depend on Dick's draft position and the strength of the player pool. Braylon Edwards hasn't been horrible. I could see him justifying a 6th-round keep, but I wouldn't be calling all my friends and family to tell them about it. Otherwise? Something needs to happen with this franchise. A renewed commitment from the owner might be the solution; a new commitment from a new owner might make sense as well.

BIFL - Week 10 Review B

2010-11-21T07:30:00.000-05:00

It's 6am on Sunday. My "roommates" got home around two and a half hours ago, and since my bedroom doubles as the living room and dining room of this apartment, I was awoken. I haven't been able to get back to sleep, so I figured I'd go ahead and knock out the Week 10 recaps.

You know what this blog hasn't had enough of this season?

Tits! Nice work, Vanity Fair.

These write-ups will surely pale in comparison, but anyway:

Lower Loudoun Tribe (125) defeats Pet Monkey (73)

While it was a great week for high scores in BIFL, it wasn't exactly a great week for competitive games. This match-up of former Colonials exemplified that trend. While Billy did get one big day from Maurice Jones-Drew (26), pretty much every other player on his team ate a dick, and left him flailing in the face of a Loudounian onslaught. Bardey had enough big days that he could afford to leave Tom Brady's 34 on the bench without batting an eye. That's because the man who started in his place, Kyle Orton, had his own scoring bonanza, falling just five points short of Tom Terrific. Dwayne Bowe (34) matched Brady's score, and posted a flashy enough day that Souts was immediately lured by his charms and traded away Ahmad Bradshaw to get him. That trade will certainly leave the Tribe's receiving stable depleted, for sure, but with Andre Johnson (22) around at WR1, Bardey can afford to be a little iffy at WR3.

Your Stepdad (110) defeats I'm Fucking In (99)

Like Bardey, both Spencer and Dekker left some gigantic numbers on their benches. And like Bardey, Dekker's bench monster (Ben Roethlisberger, 28) didn't hurt him much because his replacement (Matt Schaub, 25) fared nearly as well. Unfortunately, Spencer can't say the same, having left Fred Jackson (30) on his bench while his starting running backs (LeSean McCoy, 15 and Arian Foster, 11) couldn't reach that total combined. Of course, Foster and McCoy have both been great this season, so the Frogg had no reason to put Freddie in there, and ultimately the team still had a pretty good day. In fact, they nearly matched Your Stepdad at every offensive position. This game may have ultimately been decided by the IDPs: Dekker's Jerod Mayo, Jake Long, and Yeremiah Bell? 16 points. Spencer's DJ Williams, Haloti Ngata, and Bernard Pollard? 5 points. That, ladies and gentlemen, is your margin of victory.

Special shout-out to IFI's David Akers, who scored 12.5 points. Anytime you see a kicker with half a point, it means they made a tackle. That kicker's a MAN.

Ass-Ramming HotCocks (92) defeat Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (76)

Dick and I kind of missed the boat on the scoring binge, but luckily for me he missed it by a wider margin. There really isn't much interesting to say about this game, except to make a note about my team: Mario Manningham (15) had a strong week, and is likely to have more as long as Steve Smith is out. And LeGarrette Blount (16) on my bench well out-scored Michael Turner (3). If those trends continue, it's conceivable that I could field a playoff run starting line-up that includes only one of my top nine draft picks (Chris Johnson, 19 this week). The other picks: 1-Turner, losing his job to Blount; 2-Larry Fitzgerald, struggling through horrible QB play; 3-Wes Welker, kind of useless since the Moss departure; 4-Johnson; 5-Bernard Berrian. Does anyone remember me drafting Bernard Berrian? I can't remember him ever being on my team; 6-Jermichael Finley, out for the season; 7-Kevin Kolb, dropped long ago when Vick first took over; 8-Montario Hardesty, done for the year; 9-Chester Taylor, never a contributor. This HotCock team has been propelled by the long-time keeper combo of Johnson and Turner, it's true, but otherwise this is largely a waiver wire-concocted team. Perhaps with my time off for Thanksgiving next week I'll do some analysis of each team's success with draft picks vs. waiver wire pick-ups. Look forward to that.

NBD - Week 10 Review B

2010-11-20T13:48:00.001-05:00

I was doing a Google Image search for "Patricide," since I was planning to write about slaying my father in fantasy this week and was hoping there was some sort of painting or sculpture of a historical patricide I could use, and instead I found this image. Really makes you think about who hears you when you're saying this kind of trash. Does anyone know what a Pikey or a Chav Scum is so I can start using those properly?

Sex with a Pharaoh (124) defeats the Bro Montanas (66)
I'm sure we're all in other leagues or heard people tell us or read fantasy columns about huge fantasy comebacks made possible by Michael Vick's Monday night performance. Ours was not one of those leagues. Ours was a league where the "comeback" was complete by the first play of the game, and the rest of Vick's historical night was like punches delivered to the head of an unconscious victim. Everyone watching is sickened and it just keeps getting messier and messier. The Vick (49) and DeSean Jackson (16) show started after Knowshon Moreno (22) had already had his best day of the year, and with Miles Austin (13) chipping in, it would have taken a lot by Chris Cooley (2 - not a lot) to keep the Bro Montanas hopeful of beating even a halfway decent effort by Colly's Eagles. Obviously, he got quite a bit more than "halfway decent," negating the modest gains made by the Montanas' Andre Johnson (20) and LaDainian Tomlinson (11) in the wake of an otherwise lousy day for Derek.

Emailarrhea (123) defeats Finga Sniffs (84)
In a week of impressively high scores, Haller stands out with five players north of 15 points, which is impressive. LeSean McCoy (15) and Jeremy Maclin (15) played their parts in the Eagles' dismantling of the Skins and in Haller's dismantling of Kex, yet were outshone by his own teammates in both cases. Roddy White (26) has been absolutely outstanding all season, and on Sunday Mike Wallace (26) was just as outstanding. Add in Eli Manning's 22 points, and you're left with a decisive victory for Emailarrhea. Manning need not hang his head in shame, though. Chris Johnson (18) and Peyton Hillis (15) are still a dynamic running back tandem, and Matt Schaub '10 (21) finally looked like Matt Schaub '09 on Sunday. But holding a starting spot for Ryan Torain (0) until Monday night when he was declared inactive, turned out to be a bad decision. If this were last year and I were still unemployed, I'd dig back through the annals and see how often a team with a 0 from one of the their running backs has won. As it is, I don't have that kind of time so I'll just assume that it's a very low percentage of the time, and that Manning's Week 10 is one more example that proves the rule.

Wild Stallions (109) defeat Matt Ryan Loves Dogs (89)
It seems impossible to write a re-cap this week without some mention of the Monday Night game, and this match-up is no exception. Surprisingly, though, it was Redskins that added the offensive outburst in this contest. DeYoung's Keiland Williams (32) was the high scorer in this one, and with Donovan McNabb (17), ensured the Stallions' victory. Calvin Johnson (19) and the defense and special teams (24 combined) helped DeYoung stay on top of an MRLD squad that had some whoppers in Ben Roethlisberger (28) and Dwayne Bowe (31), but little else from the minions. We probably shouldn't have expected much out of Garrett Hartley, since his team had a Bye, but that doesn't make his zero-point outing any less disappointing. Come on, Garrett, I know your real employers gave you the week off, but that's no excuse for not getting out there and knocking a few between the uprights for Koehler.

McClusterfuck (96) defeats Buck Stops Here (85)
I've expressed my sympathy and pity for my Dad's team in previous posts, but sympathy and pity are not the same as mercy, and with the McClusterfuck hovering on the edge of the playoff picture, this was not time to go easy on the competition. In addition to my regrets at his miserable season, I've also expressed my disdain for Ray's optimism about Matt Cassel, so I'm sure pops would have been thrilled to see him lead the BSHers to victory over me, but even his 33-point outing was not enough to top strong days from Matt Ryan (25), Mario Manningham, Seattle Mike Williams, and LeGarrette Blount (15 each). Blount's contributions must be especially painful for Ray, since he spent the early part of the season hoping for a Cadillac Williams resurgence and should have seen before anyone that Blount would soon be taking the job. And now his other great hope, CJ Spiller, is out with a hamstring injury. Oh, BuckStoppers.

BIFL - Week 10 Review A

2010-11-18T00:06:00.000-05:00

You should watch this with sound on, but not at work. Prodigious use of the n-word (albeit the good -a version not the bad -er one) and cursing.

Fuck you, Gumby!

Kurt Beran (142) defeats Vatican Dragons (89)
Like the brilliant narrator of the video above, Chuck boasted one of the greatest offenses of all time this week. Well, probably not quite, but it was certainly a huge week for the Phonarchs. When you can leave a 25-point receiver (Mike Thomas) and 27-point quarterback (John Kitna) on your bench and still go north of seven-score, you're having a good week. Roddy White (30) should run for mayor of Atlanta, I think. (Sidenote: I just googled to find out who the current mayor of Atlanta was, with the intent of writing a sentence like "There's no way any self-respecting Atlantan would vote for ____________ over him," but I ended up spending half an hour reading Kasim Reed's Wikipedia entry, and by the time I was done had totally forgotten what I was reading it for. It wasn't even interesting. This is my brain at 30.) David Garrard (30) topped Roddy, even. Brandon Lloyd (21), Frank Gore (20) - all deserve your imaginary applause for their fantasy performance this week. The Vatican Dragons had a few standouts of their own, including the high individual scorer in this match-up, Matt Cassel (36). And after it became clear that the Eagles were going to score a gajillion points on Monday night, Andre might have become hopeful that DeSean Jackson was going to put up some ridiculous score to make a match of it, his early touchdown proved to be his only big play, leaving him with a respectable - but not insane - 17 points.

Juse and the Argonauts (137) defeat Cholish Chachfaces (112)
The fact that Jackson didn't go insane, however, should not obscure the fact that Michael Vick did, in fact, go absolutely fucking insane (55 pts). There were four other scorers over 20 points in this match-up, and I'm probably not even going to mention them. Jesus Christ, was Vick unstoppable on Monday night. I can't tell you how much it meant to me to hear Steve Young and Matt Millen, whose opinions I normally value near the ramblings of that homeless guy who lives near my bus stop, rating Vick's performance as conceivably the best of all time. Thanks boys; for a second there, I thought that maybe the Redskins were just an atrociously awful football team. That would have been a bummer. But as it turns out, Vick is just a kind of supra-God, fashioned from the most powerful aspects of the various monotheistic deities and pantheistic demi-deities, so the 'Skins - mere mortals - could not really have been expected to compete. Also interesting to note that, in a rare switch, Young and Millen were actually more effusive about the quarterback play on Monday night than Ron Jaworski and Jon Gruden. Maybe Vick needs to do a few more Wrangler ads before he earns their esteem.
By the way, anybody notice that the Argonauts are now alone on top of the Western Conference? With conceivably the top fantasy player for the remainder of the season on their team?

Alligator Fuckhouse (129) defeats Cow Fister (59)
God damn, there were a lot of big scores in BIFL this week. There were four teams with more than 125 points, which as far as I can tell has not happened since Week 3 of 2004 (yup, I went all the way back in our History section), when the feat was achieved by the Oklahoma City Redhawks, Ass-Ramming HotCocks, Minnesota Bearcats, and There's a Place for Us - God, how I love hearing all the old franchise names again. (I also unearthed this gem. Gotta be the biggest margin of victory ever.) Anyways, my point is that there are many weeks where nobody reaches the 125-point mark, and this week there were four. Cow Fister was not one of those teams. In fact, they were not one of those teams that reached half that total. That simply will not do against a Fuckhouse team that put every single running back and wide receiver into double-figures. Mike Wallace (27) led the way, finding support, warmth, and a sense of strength in the arms of Jeremy Maclin (16), Peyton Hillis (14), Ahmad Bradshaw (13), and Danny Amendola (12). Souts responded to this success as he usually does: sheer panic. He immediately traded away Ahmad Bradshaw for Dwayne Bowe. Souts felt that he had enough strength at running back that he could afford to trade away the 8th-best player at that position this season, and with Rashad Mendenhall and Shonn Greene in the stable, who can argue with him?

NBD - Week 10 Review A

2010-11-15T22:25:00.000-05:00

I'm writing tonight's re-caps while watching the MNF tilt between the 'Skins and Eagles, so this will likely be as much a live-blog of the game as it is a review of Week 10. ESPN just showed the ad for NFL Shop women's apparel with "You Don't Own Me" as the soundtrack. Does anyone understand this ad? It starts off fine: women are breaking up with their dudes, clearing their closets of the jerseys the guys have been storing there. OK, I see the narrative arc you're crafting there, NFLShop.com. And then... Dan Snyder knocks on his wife's door? And she's got a Redskins shirt, which she models for him? And he looks mildly pleased? How does this fit in to the rest of the commercial? And why is Dan Snyder in a commercial for NFL ladieswear at all? I've seen it a bunch of times, and it just keeps leaving me confused.
On the contrary, the Andy Reid youth Punt, Pass, and Kick footage does not leave me with any confusion. It is undoubtedly hilarious.

Little Andy Reid is huge!

8:42: I am not remotely surprised by a bomb from Vick to Jackson on the first play of the game. The happiest Skins fan in the world right now is Colly, who just went from five behind Derek to 17 up. Chris Cooley's gonna need to turn into the Incredible Hulk to keep this game within reach for the Bro Montanas.

8:45: Keiland Williams getting the start is big for DeYoung, who needs 29 out of Williams/McNabb to catch up to Matt Ryan Loves Dogs.

8:47: The first of what will undoubtedly be many 3-and-outs for the Skins gives me a chance to dive in to our first write-up.

Woody's Warriors (89) defeat Burke City Giants (69)
Some weird shit was going on in fantasy this week. I spent most of the day traveling back from Austin to New York, so I missed a lot of it, but here's what I see just from this game alone: the Steelers scored 26 points, but somehow Hines Ward (0) failed to register a single yard - looks like maybe he got concussed. The Colts won, scoring 23 points, but Peyton Manning only managed seven fantasy points. The Panthers lost, but someone named Mike Goodson (9) had 100 rushing yards and 13 receiving yards for them. And perhaps weirdest of all, all these factors combined to give the perenially hapless Warriors (previously 3-6) a victory over the perenially solid Burke City Giants (previously 6-3).

9:05: Potentially the last game update I'll write, since this game has already become unwatchable halfway through the first quarter, with the Redskins already down three touchdowns.

The Warriors were led by Maurice Jones-Drew (24), who has averaged 19 points a game over the past three weeks after a somewhat sluggish start. Do we do this every year with MJD, wringing our hands over early-season mediocrity before he turns it on and blows up the second half of the fantasy season? I think we do. Backing up Jones-Drew in the win was a strong Jay Cutler outing (22), and while the rest of the Warriors weren't terribly noteable, they had enough to overcome the 3-headed rush monster of Jamaal Charles (18), Ahmad Bradshaw (14), and Arian Foster (12).

9:20: The Redskins need something - anything - to keep them involved in this game, which is already at 28-0, and Joey Galloway drops a relatively easy catch on 3rd and 8. Has Galloway been remotely useful this season? Is there any reason he has a job in professional football rather than selling used cars somewhere? Ugh.

Worthless (143+/-) defeats Sir Lucious Left Fut (60)
Just like the game unfolding on television right now, this was an absolute shellacking. (Note: I've taken a 10-minute pause since writing that last sentence since it's become slightly less of a shellacking, with the Skins socring a couple touchdowns. It's amazing how hopeful 35-14 can feel when you've recently been down 35-0.) Worthless was anything but this week, with multiple players going off and a likely claim on the Classic Soul Jam High Scorer of the Week prize (though this ridiculous Eagles offense is bringing Colly and Haller into play). This week's Classic Soul Jam of the Week is "Stick Up," by Honey Cone, which sounds like the best Jackson 5 song you've never heard, sung by three soulful ladies. And if you peep the video, you'll see some incredible Soul Train moves. You know who else has incredible moves?

This guy. Steven Jackson (shown here as Eric Dickerson) notched his typical 140 overall yards and a touchdown for 21 points. It makes me happy to see the Rams do halfway decent this year, so S-Jax can finally have some fun and enjoy being a kickass running back. Despite his excellence, though, he wasn't even the highest-scoring Jackson on the Worthless squad. That honor went to Fred Jackson (27), who had by far his finest day of the season. Nice play by Papkin. On top of the Jackson brothers, the Bronco hook-up of Kyle Orton (28) and Brandon Lloyd (21) pushed this contest from a mere win to a decisive whupping.

NBD - Week 8 Review C

2010-11-07T12:37:00.001-05:00

It's a race against the clock to see if I can finish Week 8 write-ups before Week 9 starts, and it's a race I intend to win!

Sir Lucious Left Fut (77) defeats Chris Ivory's Black (69)
I can't really figure out how Elliott won this game. Only one of his players, the unstoppable Antonio Gates (18), had what might be called a great day. But his opposing tight end, Marcedes Lewis (15) had nearly as great a day, and had better complements with Drew Brees (17) and Sebastian Janikowski (15). Somehow, though, the little guys of Sir Lucious built enough of an advantage over the little guys of Chris Ivory to eke out a victory, albeit an unimpressive one. The prime culprits here are probably the CIB running tandem of Ivory and Marshawn Lynch, who only managed a combined point and a half. That is pretty bad. I have very little else to say about this game.

Wild Stallions (115) defeat Burke City Giants (81)
This week's Classic Soul Jam High Scorer is DeYoung's Wild Stallions squad, who rocked Burke City as hard as Eddie Floyd and Booker T. and the MGs rocked that crowd of Euro Mods back in '67. Calvin Johnson (28) raised his hand several times last Sunday, and Matt Stafford obliged him by tossing three touchdowns his way. Philip Rivers (20) threw a couple touchdowns as well, and is on pace to set the single-season record for passing yardage by a goofy fucktard. Great days by Rivers and Megatron are to be expected, though. It was the supporting cast that took the Stallions from simple victory to High Scorer of the Week. In addition to solid outings by Rashard Mendenhall (15) and Percy Harvin (12), it was the fill-ins at defense and special teams that defined the Stallions in Week 8: the St. Louis DST (15) and kicker Dan Carpenter (17), both picked up in the week before this contest, out-scored their counterparts by 25 points.
The Giants were not without their outstanding performances, especially at running back, where Michael has built some seriously solid depth. Jamaal Charles (24) and Arian Foster (23) were excellent, and 24 more running back points were left on the bench with BenJarvus Green-Ellis. But too many worthless efforts - Randy Moss (1), Kellen Winslow (1), Hines Ward (2) - left Burke City with little hope of catching up to a Stallion team that was in full gallop during Week 8.

BIFL - Week 8 Review C

2010-11-07T11:55:00.000-05:00

We're less than two hours from the start of Week 9, which seems as good a time as any to finish off the Week 8 re-caps.

Cholish Chachfaces (89) defeat Cow Fister (59)
Some truly awful decision-making went into this ugly fantasy face-off. Will's starting receivers - Santonio Holmes, David Gettis, and Hines Ward - combined for 5.5 points. Individually doubling that total on the bench were Michael Crabtree (11) and Danny Woodhead (12). Woodhead also could have replaced Felix Jones (3) at the RB2 spot, but that would have been better done by Michael Bush (16), who was also riding the pine. Overall, Cow Fister starters not named Peyton or Adrian averaged 2.78 points. These are your Western Division leaders, ladies and gentlemen.
Not to be outdone, the Chachfaces also left some solid numbers on the bench. Reserve Mike Tolbert (15) outscored the starting combo of Knowshon Moreno (5) and Brandon Jackson (6). Fellow benchwarmer Lance Moore (12) nearly outscored starting duo Jabar Gaffney (6) and Pierre Garcon (13). What saved Chalski this week was his decision - and it shouldn't have been a tough one - to leave Calvin Johnson in the starting line-up. Megatron (30) spunked all over the face of everyone's favorite racially insensitive mascot, notching 101 receiving yards and three touchdowns on the Redskins. A more difficult decision for Mark must have been how to fill in the quarterback spot vacated by Eli Manning and Matt Ryan, both of whom were on a Bye in Week 8. The Chachfaces elected to go with Troy Smith, who hadn't started a game since 2007. Amazingly, Smith put up perfectly respectable numbers (19 fantasy pts) and led both his 49ers and Chalski's Chachfaces to a victory.

Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (84) defeats Louwer Loudoun Tribe (71)
The high scorer in this game was a kicker, and I'm kind of tempted to just end the write-up there, but I'll give a few more details. Why? Because Dan Carpenter (19) has earned our respect, dammit. In the past three weeks, Carpenter has scored 51 points. Here are a few players who have scored less than that in the past three weeks: Kyle Orton, Jonathan Stewart, Marshawn Lynch, Andre Johnson, Brandon Marshall, and Dustin Keller. In other words, pretty much Bardey's entire roster. The combined ineffectiveness of those players and the utter dominance of Dan "The Carp" Carpenter resulted in Dick's first win since the first week of the season. I advise him to savor it.

NBD - Week 8 Review B

2010-11-03T19:11:00.000-04:00

[Note: I wrote the first half of this post, about trades, on Tuesday night, before any of the brouhaha about trading draft picks and all that emerged. It is with the rosy-colored glasses of nostalgia that I now look back on a time when I thought that a few simple trades might add some joy and excitement to the league.]

I just logged on the league site to see the warning up that our trade deadline is impending: November 12th. That gives you just a week and a half to complete your blockbusters. So far this season, there has been only one trade (discounting the infamous draft day Fasano Incident), when Haller traded me Matt Forte and Matt Ryan for Drew Brees. Ultimately, I think that trade has worked out well for both of us, and trades in general are fun, so I figured I'd help spur things along by taking a look at the rosters and seeing who might be in the market for a trade. Take a look, make a deal:

Sir Lucious Left Fut: Potential WR redundancy with Vincent Jackson returning; could use an RB2.

The Bro Montanas: Could part with blue-chipper Andre Johnson in exchange for help at multiple positions.

Wild Stallions: Have 5-6 reasonable starting fantasy receivers; need another RB to complement Mendenhall.

Buck Stops Here: Might have enough confidence in Matt Cassel to trade away Tom Brady's big name value.

Matt Ryan Loves Dogs: Would have four solid RBs if Mathews would take the reins; could use receiving help with Donald Driver falling off a cliff.

Chris Ivory's Black: Could probably get something in return for back-up QB Eli Manning, but not really in serious need anywhere else.

Sex with a Pharaoh: Too many tops; not enough bottoms.

Get to tradin'! While you're figuring out your blockbuster, a few more Week 8 re-caps:

Woody's Warriors (92) defeat Buck Stops Here (85)
Another week, another loss for big Ray. I normally revel in my father's misfortune, but this season has gone so badly for the Truman Show that I am actually starting to feel the pangs of what I'm told is called 'sympathy.' I didn't even get a chance to do a write-up of last week, when Ray lost by a mere .28 points. This week held a more reasonable margin of defeat, and 85 points is not so much that you would say that Ray "deserved to win," but at the same time he would have beaten seven other teams in the league, which got me thinking: what would Buck Stops Here's roto record be, if we played every team every week?
Week 1: Scored 87 points in a Loss; vs. entire league: 7-4
Week 2: Scored 113 in a Loss; vs. entire league: 9-2
Week 3: Scored 132 in a Win; vs. entire league: 11-1
Week 4: Scored 78 in a Loss; vs. entire league: 5-6
Week 5: Scored 65 in a Loss; vs. entire league: 0-11
Week 6: Scored 88 in a Loss; vs. entire league: 5-6
Week 7: Scored 88 in a Loss; vs. entire league: 2-9
Week 8: Scored 85 in a Loss; vs. entire league: 7-4
So in our league? 1-7, .125 winning percentage. In a roto league? 46-42, .523 winning percentage. You might want to look into switching leagues next year, Chief. This week's loss came at the hands of Woody's Warriors, who benefitted from the return of two players: Matt Stafford (24) played his first football since Week 1 and managed to notch four touchdowns on the miserable Redskins; and Larry Fitzgerald (19) played his first game as Larry Fitzgerald since 2009. Maurice Jones-Drew (15) has also been looking more 2009ish in his last few games, and it only follows the form of the season so far that Woody's boys would step up their games in time for the match-up with Buck Stops Here, which attracts opponent points like Clay Matthews' hair attracts lice. The BSH once again saw solid output from the rejuvenated Terrell Owens (19) and the fabulously consistent Frank Gore (19), but as usual it wasn't quite enough.

The Bro Montanas (87) defeat Matt Ryan Loves Dogs (78)
It's hard to win a fantasy football game when the top scorer on your team is left on the bench. It's also hard to win a fantasy football game when the co-top scorer on your team scores 17 points. And yet Derek Haller managed both of these tasks in Week 8, when he saw Andre Johnson and Michael Bush (on the bench) each go for 17. Ryan Fitzpatrick wasn't quite as outstanding as he had been the previous three weeks, but his 16-point day was pretty well superior to his counterpart, Ben Roethlisberger (7). Even shittier for MRLD was Donald Driver's second straight 0-fer, which at least this week was revealed to be caused by an injury. With no one on Koehler's roster other than the D/ST (Tampa Bay, 20) stepping up their scoring, the lousiness of Big Ben and Driver was insurmountable.

BIFL - Week 8 Review B & Paper Playoffs

2010-11-02T21:27:00.000-04:00

It's getting to (or perhaps past) that time of the season when I usually provide some kind of power rankings or statistical breakdowns or something. This season, I've decided to give my prognostication skills a little workout, so taking a cue from the Shutdown Corner blog, which features a weekly "Absurdly Premature Playoff Picture" post, I figured I'd construct my own paper playoffs for BIFL.
What was my process, you ask? Pshaw, it was nothing. But okay if you insist I'll explain: First I calculated a sort of power ranking for each team by simply adding up the scoring averages of its best QB, 2 RBs, 3 WRs, and TE (I also slightly factored in bench strength and other factors like injuries, but for the most part just pure math). I then projected the remaining record for each team, giving them a win for every team they played with a lower power ranking and a loss for every team they played with a higher ranking. Then I looked at how the projected final standings worked out, went through the playoff match-ups using the power rankings again, and predicted winners. Voila! After the jump, the exciting results...

Playoff Seeds:
#1: I'm Fucking In (Eastern Division Champs)
#2: Cow Fisters (Western Division Champs)
#3: Kurt Beran
#4: Ass-Ramming HotCocks
#5: Your Stepdad
#6: Vatican Dragons

First Round:
HotCocks vs. Stepdad
Dekker finally gets his revenge for years of fantasy inferiority to Soviche, as the HotCocks' quarterback revolving door and injury-prone receiving corps lets him down. Having developed a fantastic rapport with Rex Grossman, new Redskin Randy Moss leads the Stepdads to victory, along with whoever's playing best from Dekker's amazingly deep RB group.

Kurt Beran vs. Vatican Dragons
Matt Forte's up-and-down season hits another down, and with no support from the RB2 position, Andre's solid receivers are left stranded. Beran's Roddy White and Philip Rivers continue their dominant seasons and extend the winning streak that brought Chuck screaming into the playoffs.

Second Round:
I'm Fucking In vs. Your Stepdad
TO inexplicably has another outstanding week, but it's not enough to overcome an IFI squad that is stacked at receiver and features fantasy's top running back in Arian Foster. Drew Brees scores less than you think he should, but more than most other quarterbacks, just like every other week this season.

Cow Fister vs. Kurt Beran
Either Peyton Manning or Adrian Peterson has a sub-par game, and with the rest of his squad merely average, Will watches a team that led its Division from wire to wire fall in their first playoff game. K-Ber's leading scorer is a quarterback who is not currently on any of our rosters.

BIFL Bowl
I'm Fucking In vs. Kurt Beran
The Fantasy Gods finally repay the years of horrible luck they've heaped upon Spencer, who are appropriately led in scoring by Antonio Gates (33), capping off the single most dominating season ever by one fantasy player over the rest of his position. Beran puts up a valiant effort, but by this point LaDainian Tomlinson's femurs have been pulverized, and the wily veteran crumbles in the first quarter, leaving Chuck with 1 point from the RB1 position. Paper Congratulations to you, Spence Frogg!

It seems kind of anti-climactic to go back and look at Week 8 games now that we know who's winning the whole thing and exactly how it's happening, but I suppose it makes sense to at least see how last night's Menomenas worked out:

Ass-Ramming HotCocks (111) defeat Kurt Beran (107)
A seemingly absent Mario Williams (1) delivered far less than the needed five that would have led the Phonarchs to a come-from-behind victory. This was a battle of quarterbacks scoring far more than they had any business doing, with Chuck's David Garrard (32) leading the way, followed closely by Matt Stafford (24); I even had Josh Freeman (19) on my bench. I wouldn't be shocked if those totals represent the high point for all three this season. K-Ber also had a strong game out of Brandon Lloyd (25), who apparently only needed a 10-hour flight and some bangers and mash to get himself back on track after a two-game schneid. Frank Gore (19) also had a nice day on the other side of the pond, but neither was good enough to secure a win for Chester McNester. The big stories for the victors were two mid-season pick-ups, Kenny Britt and LeGarrette Blount. Britt, of course, was last week's breakout hero with 47 points, but just as quickly as I thought I'd found my franchise's next great receiver, he went down in the first quarter with a hamstring injury that may have him out for the rest of the season. Stepping right in to take his place as HotCock savior, however, was Blount. I picked this guy up for $1 and stashed him back in early October, as soon as the rumors began stirring that he was in for more playing time. It took a couple weeks, but when I finally felt he was ready for the start, he delivered. Was this an amazing act of fantasy prescience on my part? Not really. I simply acted on the axiom that thuggish, angry young black men who punch opponents on the field and still get drafted are probably pretty good athletes. This week, every week.
Props also to 2010 Larry Fitzgerald for dressing up for Halloween as 2005-2009 Larry Fitzgerald. I know, I know, it's not his fault he's sucking this season, it's because of his quarterbacks. But while "It's not your fault" may unlock Good Will Hunting's inner demons, it doesn't put any points on my fantasy scoreboard.

Juse and the Argonauts (99) defeat Vatican Dragons (97)
Dre really should have taken my advice. Had he plugged in a DL for Justin Tuck just before last night's game, he might have gotten the Dragons the three points they needed to take this one. Alas, Reggie Wayne posted a mere nine, which kept the Argonauts on top. If you've read this shit with any regularity for the past few years, you know I love multiple, even scoring contributions, and the Argonauts effort this week was like WikiFantasy. No one was outstanding, but Ryan Fitzpatrick, Darren McFadden, Marques Colston, Percy Harvin, and Jason Witten were all between 13 and 16 points. Also, with the exception of Fitzpatrick, all their last names end in N. Holy shit, I just checked and Justin also has Steven Jackson, James Harrison, Jared Allen, Jason Hanson, and Cedric Benson. I think I just discovered the secret to Justin's success this year. Is the final N the new fancy ƒ?

NBD - Week 8 Review A

2010-11-01T20:45:00.000-04:00

A few of our games are still up in the air going into tonight's Monday Night game between the Colts and Texans. Here's what to watch for fantasy-wise while you're enjoying the game, leftover Halloween candy, and perhaps a beverage or two:

Sir Lucious Left Fut vs. Chris Ivory's Black
With these two teams, the likelihood of a defensive battle or grind-it-out ground battle are extremely low, but Haller finds himself praying for just such a miracle. SLLF holds an eight-point advantage with Reggie Wayne and Kevin Walter looking to pad that lead over CIB's Mike Hart.

The Bro Montanas vs. Matt Ryan Loves Dogs
MRLD has hung up the pads for the week with a tenuous 10-point lead, which Derek's Bro Montanas will try to overcome with the help of Andre Johnson and Donald Brown.

While those results remain pending, others are already in the bag. Let's take an early look at two of them:

Worthless (82+) defeats Sex with a Pharaoh (80)
Several weeks ago, I wondered aloud (if "aloud" is what's it's called when you do it in a blog post) about Colly's then-recent acquisition of Kenny Britt off the waiver wire. Since then, we've seen an absolutely tremendous Britt in Week 7 (41 pts), followed by his disappearance (0 pts) in Week 8. And now that his injury has been described alternately as "day-to-day" and "hopefully not season-ending," the questions persist as to whether Britt will end the season as a fantasy stud or a flash in the pan. One thing is certain: SwaP really could have used any kind of production from him this week, as he was locked in an otherwise tight contest with Papkin's Worthlessness. The other Sexers put up some decent numbers: Adrian Peterson (20) had his typical 100-something all-purpose yards and a touchdown, and Jason Witten (16) appeared to be John Kitna's favorite receiver (on his own team, that is). But zeros from the kicker and wide receiver position left the door open for Papkin's boys. Walking through the door? The return of the Orton-to-Lloyd combo that served Worthless so well earlier in the season. Their 40 combined points were complemented by the Packers surprising shutout of the Jets, earning the D/ST 18 points and a victory for Papkin.

Finga Sniffs (69+) defeat McClusterfuck (51)
In various leagues over the past few weeks, I've found myself investing in LeGarrette Blount. The fantasy talking heads have been calling for him to take over for Cadillac Williams, he'd been getting more and more touches each week, and I was generally desperate for potential home runs on the free agent market. NBD was the last place I picked him up, snagging him for $11 this past Wednesday. Sure enough, Blount came through, notching 120 rushing yards and two touchdowns, good for 23 fantasy points. And that concludes the story of things that went right for McClusterfuck this week. Everything else was absolute shit. When low-scoring teams like Manning's and mine face off, each of us has a chance for a cheap win. Kex paid bottom dollar for this week's victory, having snaked a decent performance from Chris Johnson (14) and little else. Perhaps Matt Schaub will blow up tonight and make the winning total a respectable one, but if he does it'll be entirely unnecessary thanks to my squad's disgusting ineptitude. Woof.

BIFL - Week 8 Review A

2010-11-01T19:49:00.000-04:00

OK I've kind of sucked at doing game re-caps this year. Sorry about that. I'll try to make up for it during the remainder of the season. For starters, let's take a look at some of tonight's Menomenas.

Ass-Ramming HotCocks vs. Kurt Beran
This is the beauty of IDPs. Chuck needs 4.5 points out of Mario Williams to tie. Williams' season average is 3.5.

Juse and the Argonauts vs. Vatican Dragons
At the moment, Justin holds an 11-point lead with no one left to play. Dre has Reggie Wayne to go tonight, but if he wants to get real creative he could drop Justin Tuck (his DL on bye) and grab someone playing tonight for insurance. Or maybe he can't do that. I'm not 100% clear on how the waiver wire works anymore.

Iron Chef of Pounding Poon vs. Louwer Loudoun Tribe
This is a bit of a stretch, but it's not out of the realm of possibility for Andre Johnson to go nuts tonight. He'll need to drop at least 25, plus whatever Dwight Freeney manages from Dick's DL spot.

While those match-ups should provide plenty of excitement whilst watching tonight, a few others are already salted away. Enjoy those after the jump:

I'm Fucking In (86+) defeats Pet Monkey (60.5)
By all rights, Spencer should be hooting and hollering at the TV tonight, rooting on his running back duo of Arian Foster, Donald Brown, and IDPer Bernard Pollard. He should be taking joy in every big Foster gain, every Brown screen pass, and every Pollard tackle as he watches his team inch closer to victory. But Billy has cruelly robbed him of that opportunity by absolutely sucking, and in the process sucking any suspense out of this would-be Monday Night Match-Up. For a season and a half now, Aaron Rodgers has been the old reliable horse that Hollywood has strapped his wagon to. But with a few more Sundays like this one (6), the horse will be ready for the glue factory. Most of the other Monkeys followed Rodgers' lead, with a trio of receivers totaling seven points, and kicker Nick Folk (-1) revealing the little-publicized rule that gives our kickers negative points for field goals missed under 40 yards. I'm sure we've all had other kickers penalized thusly before, but we probably didn't notice because, you know, they managed to score at least one other point.
Spence's squad was energized by the return of a full-strengthish Antonio Gates (22), who despite his recent injury woes has only had one week out of double-figures and was right back to dominant form in Week 8. At this point, Gates is not just first among tight ends (by a ways), he's third among all WR/TEs which, if it stands, will probably be the highest a tight end has ever finished in that category. Gates was nearly matched this week by the Tampa Mike Williams (20), who along with his Seattle counterpart is giving the Steve Smiths a run for their money in terms of the best pair of receivers in the league with the same name. While the Smiths can pretty easily be ID'd as 1.0 and 2.0, it's not clear to me who deserves what number amongst the Williamses. Seattle MW had been largely forgotten about or dismissed as a bust coming into this season, whereas Tampa MW was getting some sleeper hype. As such, Tampa MW was on my fantasy radar before Seattle MW, even though Seattle is older. Who is Mike Williams 1.0 and who is Mike Williams 2.0? Perhaps we'll just make it a season-long contest, and whoever comes out on top will gain the 1.0 label for next year.
This re-cap just got totally de-railed. Drew Brees (18), Sebastian Janikowski (16!). Fin.

Your Stepdad (95) defeats Alligator Fuckhouse (66+)
It's that time of the season where the Bye weeks really start to hit heavy, and Souts' roster was decimated by players taking the day off on Sunday, missing Joe Flacco, Ahmad Bradshaw, Peyton Hillis, and Jeremy Maclin. The resulting starting line-up was nothing horrible, but Souts needed some hit-or-miss types to be hits, and they came up misses: Shonn Greene (3), Mike Wallace (4). Most of Dekker's line-up looks equally unspectacular, but a pair of big outings was enough to lead him to victory. Jamaal Charles owners and fantasy football writers like to bitch about him not getting the primary carries, but being the 'back-up' to Thomas Jones seems to be working out just fine for him (25 pts this week), TJ, and the Chiefs. Terrell Owens was also supposed to have second-banana status this season, but he's been way more productive than Chad Ochocinco. Over his past four games, he's scored 87 points, which is more than any of the Fuckhouse receivers have scored all year. So, yeah, fuck Terrell Owens.

I saw this this week and liked it. Maybe not entirely coincidental that I'm posting it immediately after writing about Dekker, Souts, and TO:

NBD - Week 6 Review

2010-10-23T13:08:00.000-04:00

It's already Saturday morning, I haven't written any game re-caps yet, and I'm a little hungover. So I'm just gonna remind you all to vote on the Return Touchdown issue in the post below and then dive right in:

Chris Ivory's Black (104) defeats Sex with a Pharaoh (74)
Last week, after posting Sam Cooke's "Bring it on Home to Me" as the Classic Soul Jam of the Week, I was belatedly informed by Colly that soul legend Solomon Burke had passed away. So I kind of disrespected his memory by not making last week's Jam one of his, and this week I continue to disrespect him by using "If You Need Me" for the weakest Classic Soul Jam High Scorer of the Week thus far this season. Haller barely cracked the century mark, but in what turned out to be a pretty lame week for fantasy, that was enough to top NBD. Chalk it up to the Cardinals, Bills, Panthers, and Bengals being on byes, I guess. Wait... those teams suck. I don't know why nobody scored last week. Of the few players who did have strong weeks, Sex with a Pharaoh's DeSean Jackson (20) was probably headed for the best before a nasty concussive hit took him out of the game. Had he continued to score at the pace he was going, he might have single-handedly taken out Haller's team. It would have had to be single-handed, too, because the only other SwaP player in double digits was Adrian Peterson (13). Chris Ivory's Black was fortunate to have more than one point-producer in Week 6, though Drew Brees (22) stands out at the top. Like DeSean Jackson, Joseph Addai (17) managed to have a productive day despite sustaining an injury in the game. I loved this quote: "Addai told the Indianapolis Star that his shoulder is 'just dead and needs to wake up'." Apparently Addai never had his hamster die when he was a boy, giving his parents the chance to explain that when a beloved pet dies, it's never going to wake up, sweetie. Haller will hope that the shoulder is merely asleep.

Burke City Giants (98) defeat Latres on the Menjay (84)
Maybe I'm wrong about this having been an off week for fantasy, or at least about the reasons why. I was assuming there weren't any studs, but in this game along we had big days out of Peyton Manning (18) and Arian Foster (22) for the Giants and Tony Romo (23), Andre Johnson (20) and LaDainian Tomlinson (19) for the Menjays. It would appear that the shittiness is coming from unusually low numbers out of the support players, like Derek's trio of two-pointers, Laurence Maroney, the Atlanta D/ST, and Malcom Floyd. While those three underwhelmed, the Giants are being driven by a powerful threesome of their own in the form of a running back corps that includes this season's biggest breakout, Arian Foster, an Ahmad Bradshaw (14) who is rapidly busting up any notion of the G-Men having a committee situation, and Jamaal Charles (11), who seems bound to get more and more of the load as the season continues.

Sir Lucious Left Fut (98) defeats McClusterfuck (84)
In his four wins prior to Week 6, Elliott had relied heavily on the consistently awesome scoring of Antonio Gates. So when Gates went down with a mere point in this one, Sir Lucious must have been concerned, and looked elsewhere for scoring. Unfortunately for me, he found it in season-best days from Thomas Jones (17), the Titans' D (17), and Rob Bironas (12). Along with an outstanding performance from Aaron Rodgers (23), that was more than enough to put my sorry ass away. I don't really want to talk about how my top two RB picks, Shonn Greene and Felix Jones, combined for 14 points, or how that's actually a pretty good week compared to the rest of their season, okay? Just leave it alone.

Finga Sniffs (96) defeat Buck Stops Here (88)
Does everyone hate my dad? I mean, I would totally understand if everyone did; he's obnoxious, arrogant, and with his advancing age, increasingly difficult to understand. But most of you haven't had to deal with him your whole lives, as I have, and so wouldn't seem to have much reason to despise him as I do. And yet, you guys love to score on him this season. With 659 points against Buck Stops Here, Ray's opponents are averaging an ungodly 110 a week, and while Manning did not quite reach that mark in their match-up, he did outscore his average by 14 points. Much of that scoring came from Ryan Torain (23), who proved himself as a quality mid-season pick-up, even if it was against the porous run defense of the Colts. If he can keep it up, and if Chris Johnson (19) can consistently produce without the 3- and 4-point outings of weeks 2 and 4, the Sniffs may nose themselves into the playoff picture. If Greg Jennings (19) can maintain the momentum of his first double-digit performance since week 1, that wouldn't hurt either. As far as Buck Stops Here, I'm not sure what to tell them. With Tom Brady (14), Frank Gore (15), Anquan Boldin (12), and the Pittsburgh D (16), this is a good squad. At some point, you'd have to expect the luck to start evening out; but a 1-5 start is not going to be an easy hole to dig out of. At least he got the good news this week that Devin Hester will continue to receive credit for his return touchdowns. Yay!

Matt Ryan Loves Dogs (91) defeats Worthless (79)
Koehler's team takes its name from the replacement of a disgraced and publicly reviled quarterback with a kinder, gentler option. But they took their victory this week from the return (and dominance) of another disgraced and publicly reviled quarterback, Ben Roethlisberger (22). Roethlisberger replaces Joe Flacco, who had a rough couple weeks to start the season but has since been pretty good, so MRLD may have a trade-bait situation on its hands. Apparently, Dwayne Bowe (23) was excited about the change, posting his best numbers of the season. And Roy Williams (15) doesn't really care, he's just going to keep having his best fantasy season in recent memory regardless of who is throwing him the virtual ball. He now has 53 points over the last three weeks, which is not something I thought I'd be writing about Roy Williams this season, or ever. All that MRLD passing offense was enough to defeat a strong running day out of Worthless' Steven Jackson (17). Jackson's performance, combined with Kyle Orton's (15) and Pierre Garcon's (16), might have been enough to bring home a win if the heretofore studly Hakeem Nicks hadn't shit the bed (1).

Woody's Warriors (91) defeat Wild Stallions (70)
Leaving a 21-point receiving day and a 14-point running day on your bench is never a good way to win a fantasy football game, so we probably shouldn't be surprised that the Wild Stallions, whose bench featured Calvin Johnson and Justin Forsett, lost this game. Instead, the Stallions featured an active high scorer of Rashard Mendenhall (16), and only one other player in double-digits: Philip Rivers (13). They were met by a Warrior squad that was individually unspectacular but excellent across the board. Jay Cutler, Brandon Marshall, Brandon Jacobs, Tony Gonzalez, Michael Crabtree, and Stephen Gostkowski all scored somewhere between 11 and 16 points, and you have to love it when that kind of consistency is rewarded with a victory. Nicely done, Warriors.

NBD - This Whole Fucking Return TD Mess

2010-10-20T19:27:00.000-04:00

The NBD e-mail chain exploded today with vicious argument over how return touchdowns should be counted. Somehow, in like 8 years of fantasizing, we haven't yet resolved this issue. Please take a look at the following options and cast a vote for next year in the Comments. For Bifflers who enjoy lurking on the NBD posts, please refrain from commenting, as this is already kind of messy.

Option A: Defense/Special Teams and Offensive Players should both get 6 points when a kickoff or punt is returned for a touchdown.
For: When a kick is returned for a touchdown, it has just as much to do with the blocking as it does with the returner; both should get credit. This is no different from a passer and receiver both getting points for a passing touchdown. Additionally, this is how we've always done it in NBD.
Against: Giving points twice for the same touchdown is double-dipping and makes no sense. Granted, we give credit twice for a touchdown through the air, but there are legitimately two statistics there: a passing touchdown and a receiving touchdown. In a return touchdown, only one guy is actually scoring, even if his wedge really helped. This system is analogous to drafting an "Offense" position and then giving the Tennessee Offense points every time Chris Johnson scores.

Option B: Only the Defense/Special Teams should get 6 points when a kickoff or punt is returned for a touchdown.
For: The reasons cited in Option A "Against." The D/ST should get credit because this ensures that every return touchdown scored, whether it be by a normally offensive player or a defensive back who returns kicks, is counted in some way in fantasy. When a returner takes one to the house, he is acting as part of a Special Teams unit, which we consider a single entity in fantasy.
Against: The reasons cited in Option A "For" and Option C "For."

Option C: Only the Offensive Player should get 6 points when a kickoff or punt is returned for a touchdown.
For: The reasons cited in Option A "Against." The offensive player should get credit because ultimately he is the one who scores the touchdown. There is a reason someone like Devin Hester scores a lot of return touchdowns, and it's not because the Bears have an awesome wedge. It's because Hester is a badass, and he deserves fantasy credit for it.
Against: The reasons cited in Option A "For" and Option B "For."

Option D: When a kickoff or punt is returned for a touchdown, we should split the credit by giving the Defense/Special Teams 3 points and the offensive player (if there is one) 3 points.
For: This is a nice compromise, no? Can't we all just get along?
Against: This is kind of a pussy cop-out.

So, leave your vote in the Comments, and leave us your name. I know it'll be tempting to provide a supporting argument for your vote, but honestly we've already done that to death in the e-mail chain today. Just cast a vote and be done with it.

BIFL - Week 5 Review B

2010-10-14T18:49:00.001-04:00

This game is awesome. Your games? Less so, but I'll recap them anyway:

Your Stepdad (91) defeats Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (89)
You know, the Fantasy Gods may not always treat me kindly, but at least we are on good enough terms that I usually know what they're up to. Here's what I had to say on Monday afternoon, when Dekker was looking to hold an 11.5-point lead with Randy Moss against Dick's Brett Favre, Braylon Edwards, and Ryan Longwell: "ESPN projects the Iron Chef to come away with the victory, but I think the fantasy gods might have a say in a game between a guy who got fucked so royally last week and a guy who didn't even set his line-up last week." Lo and behold, I was right. After being let down so brutally by Moss in his last game as a Pat, Dekker saw his Stepdads carried to victory by a 14-point night in his first appearance back as a Viking. Of course, that meant that Brett Favre (16) had a decent night as well for Dick, but Edwards' 7 and Longwell's 2 weren't enough to get the Poon-Pounders over the hump. As far as significant performances, this might as well have been a game of NBA Jam because each team featured two big scorers and that was it. For the Iron Chef, there was the afore-mentioned Favre and Miles Austin (27), which would give you a chucker from distance and a small-forward type who would probably get pushed around by any team starting a center or power forward. The Stepdads' duo, on the other hand, consists of Moss and Terrell Owens (21), both of whom are tall, have ups, and can fight for the ball in traffic. You know what that means: Alley-oops. In NBA Jam as in BIFL, Dekker emerges the victor.

Juse and the Argonauts (119) defeat Cow Fister (82)
On the first play of the game Monday Night, the Vikings ran an end-around where Brett Favre handed off to Percy Harvin, Harvin handed off to Randy Moss, and Moss flicked a pass downfield to Favre for a 9-yard completion, which was called back and penalized because Favre was not an eligible receiver. Allow me to take you into the head of Adrian Peterson on that play-call:
"We were supposed to be Super Bowl contenders this year. We've got one of the best defensive lines in football. We've got a great offensive line. I'm here, and even if Chris Johnson was a better fantasy running back last year, I'm really the best running back in the league. I'm fast as shit and I fucking punish people who try to tackle me. And we've got a shoo-in, first ballot Hall of Fame quarterback. This is the guy who's supposed to lead us to the promised land. Except that our top receiver got injured, and this fucker - who sucks up every ounce of attention which should be headed my way - lacks inspiration or something and can't manage to lead us to a single victory, much less the promised land. We're 1-2. And this week we sought to rectify that by bringing in another old attention-whore, Randy Moss. Fine. That's just fine. Let Favre and Moss get all the ink, and let Randy run some deep routes to open up some room behind the line for me to run in. That sounds great. Let's get to work...
Wait, we're calling what? Some cutesy-ass trick shit? To get the new guy involved, get going with some of that playground, pitch-and-catch bullshit that these guys are known for? Are you fucking kidding me? Is that even legal? Because I'm pretty sure that's not legal. GIVE ME THE FUCKING BALL. I'M LIKE A GODDAMN SLEDGEHAMMER ON ICE SKATES IN THE OPEN FIELD. WE'RE 1-2 AND WE'RE TAKING ON ANOTHER TEAM WITH SUPER BOWL ASPIRATIONS. KNOCK OUT THE CUTE SHIT AND GIVE THE BALL TO THE BEST RUNNER IN THE GAME!!!! Oh, fuck me."
Eventually, the Vikings did hand the ball to Peterson (11), but couldn't get him in the end zone, and couldn't get him nearly close to eclipsing the Argonauts' sizeable lead. That lead was generated by some great across-the-board performances on Sunday, and like Will (in Monday's Comments), I'm always pleased by a strong Argos outing. No one quite reached superstar status for Justin, but six players were in double figures: Percy Harvin (21), Cedric Benson (19), Steven Jackson (15), Steve Smith 2.0 (14), Jason Witten (14), and Kevin Kolb (13). Other than Kolb, whose 13 is pretty pedestrian for a quarterback, that is just a fantastic all-around day for the Argonauts, and a great way to break our last unbeaten team of the year. If Will had won, it would have constituted another huge "Fuck you" from Darren McFadden to Juse, since Will's high scorer was Michael Bush (21), who replaced Run-DMC after a pulled hammy. In fact, two of the Cow Fisters point-leaders were Raiders (the other being Zach Miller, 12). That is a weird thing to say about a 4-1 team.

Vatican Dragons (125) defeat I'm Fucking In (86)
Speaking of teams contending for the BIFL title, this was a match-up that I would have hyped up if I were still writing game previews (maybe later in the season). Although it was ultimately not much of a contest, there's no denying that these are two of the big boys this year. Dre now stands atop the Eastern Conference with a strong point total, and though Spence has lost two games he's still well out in front in terms of points scored. This week was not one of those record-setting scoring games for the Kenny Powers crew, however, with several IFI starters going for no (Boldin, Olsen) or nearly no (Foster) points. Hakeem Nicks remained a bright spot, but his 27 points seem almost inconsequential in the face of fantasy's best quarterback, Philip Rivers (29) and fantasy's most occasional stud, Matt Forte (34). This is Forte's second 34-point Sunday of the season, and in between he's averaged less than six points a week. I guess we'll chalk it up to the Frogg's continuing bad luck that he chose Week 5 to do it again. And even though it's only half of Forte's scoring output, I should mention that Marcedes Lewis' 17 points is no joke, either. In one of my other leagues, I noticed that Lewis was available on the waiver wire this week, except that I already had two tight ends on my roster, both of whom I'm comfortable with. He ended up going for $3. It's a pretty deep year for tight ends, I'd say.

Louwer Loudoun Tribe (78) defeats Alligator Fuckhouse (68)

You said it, Kramer. This was a hideous game. Apart from Bardey's Kyle Orton (26), and I guess Kerry Rhodes (10), who had a good day for an IDP, there was not a lot happening in this one. Doit's starting running backs combined for 6 points. Souts' starting wideouts combined for 12. Do I really need to go on? One interesting note: Souts somewhat inexplicably has three quarterbacks on his roster these days. The only way that makes sense is if you really don't have confidence in any of them and want to play the best match-up each week. Which is a fine strategy, but it kind of backfires when you play the one who scores the least of the three (Carson Palmer, 12).

NBD - Week 5 Review B

2010-10-13T20:06:00.000-04:00

If you scanned the waiver wire or monitored league transactions this week, you know it was kind of a slow one. Not many breakout stars emerged in Week 5, and now that we're getting deeper into the season, we're probably likely to see more and more low-budget bye week fill-ins and less and less big-budget swings for the fences. The biggest expenditure this week was $8, which Joe paid for Kenny Britt. If Britt sounds familiar, it's probably either because you're thinking of one half of Flight of the Conchords (Hey Brit!) or you remember that I took Britt in the fifth round of this year's draft. That's right, fifth round. If that horrifies you, imagine how I feel. Within days of the draft, I was beginning to regret the Britt pick, and after Week 1, where he scored 0 points, I decided not to hold on to him simply because I'd drafted him high and I cut bait. Yet here we are a month later, and Britt has scored 32 points over the last three weeks. And when I look back at the draft results, I have a hard time finding another wide receiver taken in the next few rounds after Britt that I'd rather have. So who's the bigger idiot: the Sovic that drafted Britt in the 5th, or the Sovic that dropped Britt after a week? And is there a chance that Colly just snapped up a legit wide receiver for a mere $8? Whatever the answer, I'm pretty sure I come out looking like a moron. Awesome. Speaking of my idiocy, let's do some more re-caps:

Worthless (94) defeats McClusterfuck (88)
So if you read my Menomena preview on Monday night, you read that I was counting on Santonio Holmes to help me overcome Papkin's two-point lead, a difficult proposition considering that Holmes' quarterback, Mark Sanchez, was starting for the Worthless ones. What I failed to mention was that I also had the opportunity to sub Shonn Greene in for Santonio at the flex. My reasoning in keeping Greene on the bench was that Minnesota has a stifling run defense, and if the Jets were going to get anywhere on the ground, it would probably be with LaDainian Tomlinson. With Holmes returning from his suspension, it would make sense for the Jets to want to get him involved, right? Well, sort of. They did seem to make efforts to get Holmes' season started off well, but his night (4 pts) was hardly enough to put me past Papkin and Sanchez (8). On my bench? Greene went for 12. Fuck me. And fuck me again for choosing the St. Louis Rams (-3) as my spot-start defense. And fuck me thrice for undermining what should have been a victorious moment: getting 31 points out of Matt Forte, whom I got from Haller a few weeks ago via trade. That was my first trade since Papkin fleeced me for Vernon Davis last year, who got his revenge once again this week (16 pts). Worthless-wise, he was topped only by Hakeem Nicks (25), who has been making some incredible catches all year long and has already had two games of at least 25 fantasy points. Perhaps as impressive as Nicks' season is the consistency of Steven Jackson, who has 12.5, 12.4, 12.4, and 12.6 points over the past four weeks. I'm sure Papkin wouldn't mind a Sunday or two where he blows up, but lacking that you can't top that kind of dependability. Equally dependable: Papkin not reaching triple-digits. Hasn't happened yet this season. Nice.

Burke City Giants (79) defeat Sir Lucious Left Fut (70)
Our other Menomena of the week came in the War of the Toobins, whose fate rested on the Giants' Randy Moss. Needless to say for those who watched, the Favre-Moss combo got off to a predictable start, with Favre hitting Moss (14) on the kind of deep end-zone bomb that we'll probably be seeing a lot of the rest of this season. It's hard to think of a more appropriate pairing than these two assholes, and now we'll be hearing about them for the rest of the year. Sweet. Besides Mr. Moss, there wasn't a lot to write home about for the Giants, with their highest scorer coming on defense (Philadelphia, 18). The Giants win is especially impressive (or, you might say, lucky) considering that Peyton Manning (8) had probably the worst fantasy day I can ever remember him having. This should have led to him getting blown out by his competition, the incredible Aaron Rodgers. But Rodgers was actually held relatively well in check (18 - his second-worst of the season) by the Redskins, who made it two straight weeks of taking out high-profile quarterbacks when they concussed him late in the game. Perhaps Michael Toobin and Peyton Manning should beware. Other than Rodgers, Sir Lucious' top scorer was Antonio Gates (15), although at the rate he's been going that actually feels like a slow week. With less than four points combined from the RBs and eleven combined from the WRs, apparently the feeling on SLLF was contagious.

Sex with a Pharaoh (113) defeats Matt Ryan Loves Dogs (83)
It's been a dramatic, up-and-down season for Sex with a Pharaoh, who already boast a scoring range of over 100 points. This week was a definite Up, and it's largely on the shoulders of replacement QB Shaun Hill (22). Is there any better feeling in fantasy than when you make a desperation play to fill in for an injured or bye-week player, and it ends up coming up huge? I submit that there is not (and full disclosure: I started Hill over in BIFL, so I share Colly's joy this week). Of course, SwaP could have won this game even starting the injured Michael Vick, thanks to the strength of their other contributors: the Cowboys combo of Miles Austin (23) and Jason Witten (14) had a big day, despite the fact that they lost to the blessed Titans. And while Cletus' RB tandem wasn't stellar (11 and 10, respectively, for Best and Peterson), they were solid enough to hold off the MRLD duo of Cedric Benson (18) and Michael Turner (14). Besides those two, only Joe Flacco (16) reached double-digits among Koehler's offensive players, with the rest of the squad largely blah.

Chris Ivory's Black (100) defeat Woody's Warriors (85)
Haller's new name made me think of this old chestnut:

Not as funny as I remembered it, but still kind of good. You know what is not good, not good at all, though? Playing a guy who's on a bye. It's just really, really lame. We've been doing this for a looong time now. It's football season. You've had to set a fantasy football line-up every sunday during the fall for the past seven years. It's really not difficult. And in the case of Sherwood, who left Brandon Marshall (0, because he was on a fucking BYE) in the line-up, it wouldn't have even taken any free agent action. You pull Michael Crabtree (17) from your flex to that WR2 spot, you plug in Darren Sproles (3), Brandon Jacobs (10), or Willis McGahee (13) from the bench, and you're set. Granted, none of those moves would have won you the game, but you do it anyway, dammit. Get your shit together, Woodrow.
Unless you've got some really good excuse, in which case, sorry about all that.
Anyways, Haller won this week not just because Sherwood is a terrible owner, but also because Ray Rice (28) had his first outing of the season that looked like what we were expecting from him pre-draft. Roddy White (16) has been far more consistent, scoring in double-figures every week, with this being his best so far. Those two, combined with Drew Brees (16), helped to ensure that the loss of Jermichael Finley (0, and a potentially season-ending injury) didn't hit Haller too hard.

BIFL - Week 5 Review A

2010-10-11T20:56:00.000-04:00

It's Monday evening, which probably means we're due for 3-4 hours of Jon Gruden and Ron Jaworski sucking on Brett Favre's balls. Hold on, let me check... Yup, sure enough the Vikings are playing the Jets tonight. Despite the usual Brett overload, I am actually interested to see how the Favre-Moss connection works out, how thrown around he gets by the Jets' Defense, and whether the ESPN crew has the balls to mention the camera-phone cock shots. By the way, if that were my cock, I wouldn't be sending photos. Size-wise, it's nothing embarrassing, but such a flat head! I look for my cockhead to have some nice roundness and depth to it, like a baby bella:

Favre (allegedly) seems to be rocking more of a giant oyster, which is frankly not a good look for your cock:

Oh and in case you have no idea what I'm talking about, check this out: http://deadspin.com/5658206/brett-favres-cellphone-seduction-of-jenn-sterger

As for BIFL, and our cocks, we've got a couple of Menomenas going:

Iron Chef of Pounding Poon vs. Your Stepdad

Perhaps the most amazing sub-plot of the Randy Moss trade is that it gives Dekker a second straight monday night in which he's depending on Moss to win his fantasy match-up. Last week, Moss fucked Ben in not one but two leagues, but he must have imagined once he woke up on Tuesday morning that the pain was over. No such luck. This week, Your Stepdad holds an 11.5-point lead with Moss still to go, and he'll be trying to hold that lead against Dick's combination of Favre, Braylon Edwards, and Ryan Longwell. ESPN projects the Iron Chef to come away with the victory, but I think the fantasy gods might have a say in a game between a guy who got fucked so royally last week and a guy who didn't even set his line-up last week.

Juse and the Argonauts vs. Cow Fister
This one is pretty well out of reach, with Justin boasting a 30-point lead over the heretofore undefeated Cow Fisters. But if there was one guy I'd pick to help me overcome a 30-point deficit, it'd be Chris Johnson. And if there was a second guy I'd pick to help me overcome a 30-point deficit, it'd be Adrian Peterson, who is actually on Shoaf's team. He'll be working with Santonio Holmes to help eclipse that sizeable margin, but if the Argos' Percy Harvin has any kind of night, it'll surely spell the end of Shoaf's perfect season.

Of course, not every match-up can be a Menomena. Some of our contests are already over, and here are a few of them:

Ass-Ramming HotCocks (127) defeat Cholish Chachfaces (84)
I'm not gonna lie, my team was pretty fucking awesome this week. Despite starting receiver held without a catch (Mario Manningham) and a tight end who got injured very early in the game (Jermichael Finley), we still managed to grab the top score coming out of Sunday (though Chuck will likely surpass us tonight). The big numbers came from a variety of sources. Some of them are to be expected: Chris Johnson (27) and Michael Turner (16) looked like the league's best backfield combo to start the season and this was the week they proved it. But some unexpected contributors really led this charge: Malcom Floyd (33) had an absolutely monstrous day, going for 213 yards and a touchdown, and even more impressively Shaun Hill (21) stepped into the HotCock revolving door of quarterbacks and came out the other side with 227 yards and three touchdowns. Way to step up, Shaun! I'm still worried sick about my quarterback situation, but for one week you allayed my anxiety. With Hill matching Chalski's Eli Manning (21), all the HotCocks had to do was overcome the running back tandem of Mike Tolbert (7) and Chris Ivory (3), which was not too tall an order. Vernon Davis (18) had a strong day for the Chachfaces, but not nearly strong enough.

Kurt Beran (126+) defeats Pet Monkey (78+)
From Week 1 to Week 2, Chuck's scoring improved by about 20 points. From Week 2 to Week 3, 10 points higher. Week 3 to Week 4, 20 points higher. And assuming a halfway decent night by LaDainian Tomlinson, he'll climb at least another 10 points tonight. At this rate, we can look for the K-Bers to be posting scores in the 300s by the end of the season. This could make it difficult for the rest of us to stay competitive. Still, there has to be a point at which Brandon Lloyd (31) remembers what an absolute shitter he was for years with the Redskins, and finds a way to recapture some of that shittiness with the Broncos. But he'll still probably see a few more days like the one Tony Romo (28) had, or Roddy White (20) had, as the season progresses, and LDT looks legit, so this may be the best Chester-led team ever. Hell, this week they got eight points out of a receiver named Mike Thomas, and I write 1,000 words of fantasy analysis every week and I don't even know who that is. In the face of such dominance, Billy stood little chance, especially with the Redskins keeping Aaron Rodgers (16) below his usual output and Maurice Jones-Drew (8) failing to capitalize against a Buffalo defense that many had predicted he would annihilate. Eight points for Mike Thomas? A nice surprise. Eight points for Maurice Jones-Drew? Not exactly an annihilation. Maybe next week.

NBD - Week 5 Review A

2010-10-11T19:43:00.000-04:00

It's Columbus Day, which once again means that I got to celebrate the Discovery of America by not having to teach children today, and for that I tip my hat to ol' Cristobal Colon. It also means I've got time to get a head start on the blog this week, with an exciting Monday Night game on the schedule and a few games hanging in the balance. Here are some Menomenas to keep your eyes on tonight:

McClusterfuck vs. Worthless
I'm currently trailing Papkin by a mere two points, and each of us has one player to go tonight. He has a definite advantage, as my player (Santonio Holmes) is dependent on his player (Mark Sanchez) to have a good night. But with a few lucky breaks, like significant yardage/td's to Holmes - which are worth more to him than Sanchez - and a few picks/fumbles by the Manchise, McClusterfuck could pull out yet another undeserved win.

Sir Lucious Left Fut vs. Burke City Giants
The Battle of the Toobins comes right down to Monday night and depends on the night's prominent storyline: Randy Moss's debut with the Vikings. Elliott holds a six-point advantage at the moment, but that could disappear quickly with a single downfield strike from the Favre-Moss combo.

Laters on the Menjay vs. Sex with a Pharaoh
No, these two teams aren't playing each other, but with Adrian Peterson and Braylon Edwards going tonight, Colly has an outside chance at surpassing Derek for Classic Soul Jam High Scorer of the Week honors. They'll have a long way to go, as SwaP is currently 25 points down and Menjay still has LDT to go, but you never know when AP's going to explode and you never know when Tomlinson's going to remember how old he is.

By the way, wanted to mention that this week's Classic Soul Jam is arguably my favorite song of all time, not so much in any singular incarnation (though this Sam Cooke one is certainly incredible, as is the live one from the Harlem Square Club), but in that almost any version I hear of it brings me the same joy. It is infinitely coverable. There are solid versions by rockers, bluesmen, jazzmen, and even in Spanish. A couple of years ago my buddy Jared - whose awesome sustainable farming blog can be found here - had a party where a band called Roosevelt Dime played their version as a closer and I almost creamed my pants.

Anyways, a few teams have already brought it on home this week, so let's get a few re-caps out of the way:

Laters on the Menjay (120+) defeat Buck Stops Here (65)
As previously mentioned, Derek and his Laters on the Menjay squad already have the inside track on this week's $20 high scorer prize, but he hardly needed it to defeat a Buck Stops Here team that was without its top QB (Tom Brady), WR (Wes Welker) and DEF (Pittsburgh) due to Bye weeks. The results were not pretty. Improbably, Terrell Owens (16) led the team in scoring again, but this time with about half as many points as last week. Other than T.O., it was a shitstorm. Perhaps, lacking major drama in Cincinatti this season, he has found a way to tear apart the virtual locker room instead, leading to uninspired performances by Anquan Boldin (1), Cadillac Williams (3), and Matt Cassel (6). The last time I hung out with my Dad, he professed a belief that Cassel was going to blow up, but did not provide any back-up for this argument other than his sincere desire that it be true. Good luck with that, Pops. Of course, even a 2008-like performance from Cassel would not have brought the Truman Show up to speed with Laters, who had utterly outstanding days from Tony Romo (26) and Malcom Floyd (27). Interestingly, neither Romo's 409 passing yards and 3 touchdowns nor Floyd's 213 receiving yards and a touchdown were able to bring victory to either of their real teams. Perhaps Derek should send a note of consolation and thanks to each. At the same time, he can send a note of congratulations to Michael Bush (21) and the Falcons' D (20), each of whom celebrated double-victories on Sunday, as well as their best outings of the season.

Wild Stallions (90) defeat Finga Sniffs (74)
Several weeks back, Manning spent $51 NBD-bucks to acquire Brandon Jackson, which constitutes the largest free agent expenditure of the year so far and, combined with the later acquisitions of Jermaine Gresham ($25) and Demaryius Thomas ($24), has left Manning completely bankrupt. This week, Manning read the writing on the wall and sent his big-ticket pick-up to the bench, only to have his best performance (14) of the year. Oh fantasy, you are a fickle bitch, although you are a lot fickler towards morons who waste their free agent budgets on over-valued acquisitions. One Finga-Sniff investment that did live up to billing was top overall pick Chris Johnson (25), who together with the surprising Peyton Hillis (12) gives Manning a pretty solid 1-2 punch in the backfield. Unfortunately, fantasy requires us to start all the other offensive positions as well, and here Manning was at a severe disadvantage to DeYoung's Stallions. Philip Rivers (23) is having the season that a lot of folks were predicting out of Matt Schaub (5); Calvin Johnson (12) has re-discovered the same mojo that Greg Jennings (2) is still looking for; and Mike Williams (14) is looking like the most explosive element in an otherwise inert Tampa Bay offense. A strong showing from the Bears Defense (18) was the icing on the cake in an effort that will bring the defending champs a step closer to re-claiming their throne.

More later this week.

BIFL - Week 4 Review B

2010-10-07T22:52:00.000-04:00

A couple weeks back, I played a little game with Doit, Souts, Jesse and E-Bardey at the sports bar, where we attempted to choose the current and throwback jersey we'd wear for each NFL team, if we had to. We didn't make it all the way through, as the Redskins-Texans game that was ongoing at the time became kind of intense, but I think we were only a division or two shy of the full 32. Anyways, I figured I'd mention it here and throw it open to you guys in the Comments. Any inspired choices out there?
OK. On to the rest of the games...

Pet Monkey (97) defeats Your Stepdad (96)
Whoo! This was a tight one, and came right down to Monday night with an unexpected conclusion. After Sunday's games, Dekker held a 6.5-point lead, with Randy Moss and IDP Yeremiah Ball yet to play. Billy had Stephen Gostkowski, but he didn't strike me as much of a threat to outscore Moss/Ball by 6.5. Of course, as we all probably know by now, Randy Moss ended his Patriots career with a catch-less, nearly target-less night, and while Ball's seven tackles were laudable, they weren't enough to match the sheer legpower of the Great Gostkowski (11). In retrospect, we probably should have known that Randy was gonna lay an egg, considering the performances of the other top wideouts in this match-up. Pet Monkey's Santana Moss and Mike Sims-Walker: 0 points.Your Stepdad's Steve Smith: 1 point. It's actually kind of amazing that either of these teams even approached the century mark, but Your Stepdad got an unexpected boost out of Terrell Owens (34), having his best fantasy day in years. And for the winners, the receiver shitfest was overcome thanks to Maurice Jones-Drew's first MJD-like day of the 2010 season (25 pts), as well as solid outings by Aaron Rodgers (17), DeAngelo Williams (15), and Donald Driver (14). I was lucky enough to be sitting next to Dekker at the incomparable Barrow Street Ale House for Monday night's game, and I can tell you that the only thing that bummed Dekker out more than his fantasy loss was the storm brewing over his attempts to give your children scholarship money. Most fraternity presidents see what a thankless job it is after one year and get the fuck out. Dekker's made a lifetime commitment of it. God bless you, Ben.

Cholish Chachfaces (89) defeat Louwer Loudoun Tribe (75)
I can not read the name "Mike Tolbert" without pronouncing it in my internal monologue to rhyme with Stephen Colbert. Now that I've planted that seed, I hope the same will be true for you. I also can't read his name without being grateful for a solid week of scoring as a somewhat desperate sub (he's on my Uberleague team), and presumably neither can Chalski. Tolbert (remember: toll-BEAR) was second in scoring in the winning effort to Calvin Johnson (20). Beyond those two, it didn't take much else to defeat a Tribe team that suffered from the late loss of Andre Johnson (Bardey's only replacements were 1 o'clock gamers, and AJ's scratch wasn't announced 'til later in the day). Doit has two strong quarterbacks in Tom Brady and Kyle Orton, but he played the wrong one this week (Brady's active 10 vs. Orton's benched 22), and a trade seems in the offing if he wants to avoid a repeat of my 2008 Roethlisberger/McNabb conundrum.

Cow Fister (88) defeats Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (80)
The commentary over Dick's failure to field a replacement for the injured Pierre Thomas or start a kicker of any kind has already been discussed via e-mail, so I won't get into it here. But let me just say that after years of advocating for removing Dick from the league on the basis of being a horrible human being, I am glad that we now have a second (more legitimate?) rationale. Keep up the poor management, BD. As for Will, he really lucked out here in keeping his undefeated season alive. Adrian Peterson was on a bye and Austin Collie notched a touchdown but was unspectacular (9 pts), so it fell to Peyton Manning (22) and unlikely hero Zach Miller (21) to carry the Fisters to victory. That's all I have to say about this game.

I'll end by noting that I'm watching "The League" right now. It's the FX show about a fantasy football league. I watched a few episodes last year, which I deemed a dud. There are a lot of lousy elements to the show, first and foremost the fact that it's an 8-man league, but after having watched three episodes of the second season, I am ready to declare it a decent show. I'd like to publicly apologize to Billy Meyers, who insisted from the beginning that it was pretty good. I'd also like to publicly apologize to Justin, who plays "Taco" on the show. If I had known from the beginning that you were involved, Juse, I would not have talked shit.

NBD - Week 4 Review B

2010-10-07T18:54:00.000-04:00

I just walked clear across the isle of Manhattan to get home from work, and it's an absolutely beautiful day in the city of New York. I hope Uncle Autumn is treating all your various locales as kindly. Let's finish up the Week 4 games:

Finga Sniffs (96) defeat Woody's Warriors (70)
Heading into Week 4, neither of these teams had been particularly impressive, and coming out of Week 4... neither of these teams has been particularly impressive. The Finga Sniffs 96 looks pretty solid, but further investigation reveals that 28 of those points came from the San Diego defense. Not that defensive points count any less than offensive points in terms of wins and losses, but the Chargers won't get to play the dynamic duo of Derek Anderson and Max Hall every week, so we can't quite start calling Manning's team a powerhouse after their first win here. That we can't is kind of surprising, though, because this team looks really great on paper. The Finga Sniffs boast the top-drafted running back and probably the best waiver wire back of the young season, but only the free agent (Peyton Hillis, 17) showed up this week. Matt Schaub (16) has had some good weeks and some bad, but his virtual receiving targets (Greg Jennings and Marques Colston) have failed to live up to their billing. If this team lives up to its potential, it could be great, but at 1-3, they're going to have to do so soon. Across the line of scrimmage, Woody's RB tandem had their first big day of the season (MJD, 24; Jonathan Stewart, 14), but their efforts were negated by the absolutely atrocious Sunday night had by Jay Cutler (-1). Watching Cutler get eaten by the Giants' D, I had to wonder if they're watching enough game film there in Chicago. And I'm not talking about Giants game film either. Cutler (and Martz) look like they're completely unaware that their offensive line is terrible. Martz is calling 7-step drops, Cutler is acting like he's got all the time in the world, and meanwhile defensive linemen and linebackers are teeing off on him. It looks like Cutler will be sitting this week to rest his sore concussion, which is bad news for Woody, who has no other QB on the roster and has yet to grab one via the waiver wire, but good news for those of us who ache for one more Sunday of glory out of Big Red Todd Collins.

Matt Ryan Loves Dogs (89) defeats Cutler Crushes Cavallari (69)
Speaking of that Sunday night drubbing, Koehler was the beneficiary of the Giants' destruction of the Bears' offense, with a game-best 23-point performance out of the NYG DEF. Honestly, I'm kind of surprised it wasn't more than that. That was pretty much the only outstanding outing in this lackluster match-up, and the 17-point differential in defensive scoring (Haller's Saints had 6) pretty much accounts for the margin of victory. Otherwise, Haller had a humdrum performance by Brees (15) in his first game since leaving the McClusterfuck and a solid day by LeSean McCoy (15) after Kevin Kolb came in and decided that McCoy was the only other player on offense allowed to touch the ball, but before Shady got injured. In similar fashion, MRLD's Darren McFadden (13) was en route to a big day before being sidelined with a hamstring injury, and Donald Driver (16) had his first double-digit day of the year. Otherwise, not a lot going on here besides that New York D.

McClusterfuck (76) defeats Sex with a Pharaoh (50)
Every year, in every fantasy league, it seems there is a team that scores a ton of points but always comes up against stiff competition and loses a bunch of games. And there's also usually a team that can't score for shit but squeaks into the playoffs via a handful of ugly wins. Despite having played in several leagues a year for nearly ten years now, I can't really ever recall fitting into either of those categories. This season is probably too young for us to declare anyone a member of either category, but the McClusterfuck is definitely trending towards the latter. I don't know whether it's payback from the fantasy gods for the many years of slavish devotion to fantasy, karma for the difficult year I've had, or simple luck at being scheduled against a bunch of shitters early, but somehow this awful assemblage of players is 3-1, despite having weeks of 66, 68, and 76 points. Colly provided me with my weakest opponents yet in Week 5. It certainly didn't help that Miles Austin, Jason Witten, and Adrian Peterson were all on Byes, but even the players that could have been expected to shoulder their load seemed to be taking the week off. The Skins' dismantling of Mike Vick (4) must have been bittersweet for Cletus, and it also led to a piss-poor day for DeSean Jackson (2), who appeared invisible to Kevin Kolb on several plays late in the game when he was absolutely wide open. (Also: when I see Kevin Kolb, I get a little bit of Hurt Locker and The Town's Jeremy Renner. Anyone else feeling that?) Leading scorer for the SWAPpers this week was Braylon Edwards (15), while mine was Zach Miller (18), and that's usually a sentence that's followed by something like "but we're in a 20-person league." No such excuses for my ol' roomie and me, just a shitty, shitty week. I'll take the W, though.

That's it for the Week 4 match-ups. I'd like to note that between yesterday's post and today's, Derek changed his team name to Laters on the Menjay, a change I whole-heartedly endorse. That said, though, I wanted to point out that while "I Love You, Man" is an excellent film, the under-rated "Role Models" is actually far better. The only logical conclusion? Sean William Scott > Jason Segel. Hard to believe, but true. For further evidence, see the surprisingly good "The Rundown," featuring Scott, the Rock, and Rosario Dawson.

BIFL - Week 4 Review A

2010-10-07T00:21:00.000-04:00

"I make a living in the movies, but for the past 20 years, I've also been a cop. And along with some of the finest officers on the force, I serve the people of Jefferson Parish, Louisiana. My name is Steven Seagal. That's right, Steven Seagal, Deputy Sherriff."

If you're not watching this show on A&E, I honestly don't know what you could be doing with your time that makes life worth living. The same man who broke a thousand arms backward in a hundred movies that featured the "BN" tag for brief nudity in their HBO intros is now the star of his own reality show, detailing his exploits as a Louisiana cop. We also get to see him practice his samurai swordsmanship, front a blues band, and totally change his diction and accent when dealing with black perps/complainants (note: this would be even funnier if it weren't tinged with the awareness that I also speak totally differently to black people - mostly cab drivers - when I'm drunk, referring to them repeatedly as "brother").

Anyways, if you get a chance, check out 'Steven Seagal: Lawman;' it's the perfect accompaniment to some fantasy football game re-caps.
I'm Fucking In (128) defeats Alligator Fuckhouse (92)
You'd be hard-pressed to find two players who are dominating their positions, fantasy-wise, more than Arian Foster and Antonio Gates this year. These dudes have been awesome all year, and this week even moreso (34 for Foster, 28 for Gates). Considering that they both play for Spencer, and are teammates with Drew Brees (17 this week), it's kind of amazing that Spence has lost a game. It should be noted, though, that that loss was to me, featured Spence's lowest total of the year (116!) and would have been a win with four more points. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a powerhouse on our hands. I'm really hoping that as Tess's pregnancy advances, Spence will spend less and less time focusing on his team and that in Week 14 he'll accidentally start Mohammed Massaquoi, but until that happens I'm a little frightened. Souts was no slouch this week either, featuring a running back combo that I would have laughed at a month ago - Peyton Hillis and Ahmad Bradshaw - that outscored my supposedly unbeatable pair - Chris Johnson and Michael Turner - by nearly 27 points. That power was no match for the Kenny Powers juggernaut, though. And speaking of Kenny Powers... after a season and two episodes of Eastbound and Down, I still have no idea how I'm supposed to feel about this show. Am I supposed to care about Kenny Powers? Because if I am, then why do they make him such a horrible, insufferable asshole? And if I'm not, then why do we sometimes get like 15 straight minutes of an episode without any real humor, with just the miserable, depressing life of a has-been pitcher? Don't get me wrong, there are moments of brilliance, but until the producers make up there mind of what I'm supposed to with this show, I can't get 100% into it.

Kurt Beran (121) defeats Juse and the Argonauts (51)
Actual quote from this episode of "Steven Seagal: Lawman": "When I was their age, I was spending 14 hours a day in a dojo... training." Awesome. Anyways...
Last week, I was singing Juse's praises for sticking by perennial disappoinment Darren McFadden and pouncing on Mike Vick when he had the chance. This week, those praises seemed ill-founded. To be fair, DMC still led the team in scoring, but 12 points is not what you want from your leading scorer, and a hamstring injury may indicate that McFadden's brief run as a solid fantasy back may have come to an end. Meanwhile, his run-in with the Redskins left Vick battered and bruised, scoring only 2 points and potentially missing the next few weeks. Looks like the Argos are right back where we're used to them: posting league-low point totals. Good to have you back, Juse.
Chuck is right back where I like him, too. He's got a 2-2 record, which means he's doing fine but not threatening to run over the league or anything. He posted a solid point total this week with players I like, but he relied on David Garrard (24), who will likely never match that point total again, and LaDainian Tomlinson (29), who is having an awesome comeback season that I'm really enjoying but will probably be a paraplegic by Week 10, rendering Chuck a non-entity in the fantasy playoffs. I will feel comfortable rooting for this team for the rest of the regular season.

Vatican Dragons (98) defeat Ass-Ramming HotCocks (77)
With his running backs - Ronnie Brown and Matt Forte - combining for four points, and his wide receivers - Reggie Wayne, DeSean Jackson, and Lee Evans - combining for twenty points (and 95% of that coming from Wayne), you'd be right to wonder how in the fuck Andre got to nearly 100 points this weekend. The answer lies in the beauty of this league: I... D... Ps. Charles Woodson, Justin Tuck, and James Anderson, who I've never heard of, combined for 41 points this week, which is just absolutely insane. That is more than my starting running backs, wide receivers, and tight ends combined. Another owner might bitch about that, but I love IDPs and I love that every once in a while they can completely sway a game, so I'll take this loss like a man and try not to mention that my high scorers were Chad Henne (16) and Matt Prater (14), which hardly sounds like a defending champion roster. Nice D, Dre.

More tomorrow.

NBD - Week 4 Review A

2010-10-06T23:19:00.000-04:00

I'm watching "Inside the NFL" on Showtime right now and they've got Jaguars receiver Kassim Osgood mic'd up. He seems like a really fun-loving guy, making jokes and cracks on the sidelines, calling Josh Scobee (who hit an awesome game-winning 59-yard field goal) "Scobee Bryant." Lots of fun. Somehow, though, the mics never caught him talking about this little incident, as reported in Sports Illustrated this week:
Escaped With minimal injuries after being pistol-whipped, Jaguars receiver Kassim Osgood. According to Jacksonville police, Osgood, 30, was watching TV at the home of 19-year-old Jaguars cheerleader Mackenzie Putnal on Sept. 27 when the girl's ex-boyfriend, Julian Bartletto, entered the room with a plastic bag over his head and struck Osgood and Putnal, as well as her dog, before Osgood jumped out a second-floor window. Putnal escaped by jumping downstairs, over a balcony, and used a laser-sighted pistol to trade shots with the intruder, who eventually fled. Bartletto was later arrested and was being held without bail while facing charges of aggravated battery, false imprisonment, armed robbery and burglary.
There is just way too much to be amazed by in this story. First of all: "19-year-old Jaguars cheerleader." 19! Kassim Osgood is a few months older than me, which is to say 30, which makes this more than a little creepy. I Googled Ms. Putnal and the first thing that came up was her alma mater, Sandalwood High School, from which she graduated in 2009. Wow. Then again, Osgood and Putnal were just "watching TV," so I'm sure there was nothing untoward happening.
Next: "the girl's ex-boyfriend, Julian Bartletto, entered the room with a plastic bag over his head..." Plastic bag? Is he into auto-erotic asphyxiation?
And then: "Osgood jumped out a second-floor window." Kind of sounds like Osgood pulled a Costanza and shoved the teenager and the dog aside to save himself, no?

By the way, I'm pretty sure Eric the Clown in that episode is played by Jon Favreau.
Finally: "Putnal escaped by jumping downstairs, over a balcony, and used a laser-sighted pistol to trade shots with the intruder..." Holy fuck are you kidding me? My dad was a cop for like 100 years and I'm pretty sure he doesn't have any stories as good as trading gunfire with a 19-year-old cheerleader who's using a laser-sighted pistol. This is incredible. If I wasn't so heavily invested in Dexter McCluster breaking out this year to justify the McClusterfuck franchise, I would 100% pick up Osgood and name my team the Laser-Sighted Jailbaits. I don't see how any of our fantasy match-ups can live up to the excitement of this story, but until ESPN does a dramatic re-enactment as part of their "60 for 60" celebration in 2040, we'll have to make do.
(After the jump)

Sir Lucious Left Fut (119) defeats the Buck Stops Here (78)
This week's Classic Soul Jam High Scorer is Elliott Toobin and his Lucious Left Fut crew, sponsored by the Five Stairsteps classic "Oooh Child" (check it out for yourself in the sidebar). And even though this is the lowest high score so far this season, there's still plenty to "ooo-oooh" about, specifically Antonio Gates (26 pts), who is just absolutely killing it this season. I'm no longer even sure that Vincent Jackson is actually holding out, I think it may be possible that Gates just ate him and absorbed his talent, touches and touchdowns, and is paying off VJax's agent to maintain the holdout ruse. This would also explain the Chargers' difficulty in trading Jackson, as most teams are unwilling to part with draft picks in exchange for a partially-digested wideout. Things also appeared to get easier (song tie-in!) for Reggie Wayne this week, who notched an incredible fifteen receptions for 196 yards (18 pts after a fumble), although even that was not enough to keep my boy Austin Collie from grabbing a touchdown. I would mention Aaron Rodgers, but at this point getting 19 points from him is kind of boring. Dude is automatic.
If you watched the Monday night game, you saw Tom Brady come to the sidelines ALL FIRED UP, high-fiving his teammates emphatically and hugging a Bill Belichick who almost appeared to be smiling. You would have thought that the Pats' 27-point stomping of the division rival Dolphins had something to do with him, but a peek at the Buck Stops Here's scoreline will tell you that was not exactly true. With 41 Pats points out there, you'd expect a little more than 18 combined from the Brady-Welker connection. Maybe Brady and Belichick were really excited because they knew they were mere days away from saying good bye to team headache Randy Moss, which should have some interesting ramifications moving forward for Ray's team. Will those ramifications be positive or negative? I have no idea. But one thing I feel pretty certain of: we'll never see another 28-point day out of Terrell Owens. It's really a shame, wasting that kind of performance in a loss, but that's probably to be karmically expected for drafting Terrell fucking Owens.

Wild Stallions (116) defeat Chaz Whitehurst, Daughter Slayer (77)
So, I drafted Shonn Greene in the 2nd round this year, and since I had the 12th/13th wraparound pick, I may as well have drafted him in the 1st. As huge of a disappointment as he's been, it's still kind of cool for me to see LaDainian Tomlinson (28 pts for Derek's team) have the resurgence he's having. Within my lifetime, there've been a handful of Hall of Fame running backs, but I don't really remember Walter Payton; Barry Sanders retired young; and Emmitt Smith played for the Cowboys and also has down syndrome. So I've never watched the downfall of a once-great and formerly-beloved ballcarrier like I did with LDT the last few years in San Diego. And coinciding as it did with my own personal aging process (Tomlinson is a year older than Kassim Osgood and myself), it was kind of depressing watching him slip into mediocrity. So his return to elite rushing status this year is inspiring and awesome, and living in New York I get to experience every second of it. Makes me believe that maybe my second chance at life and work here in the Big Apple could be just as successful. Unfortunately for Chaz Whitehurst, Daughter Slayer, his big day wasn't enough to inspire the rest of the team to victory. In fact, they pretty much sucked, with no one other than Sam Bradford (19) cracking double figures. DeYoung's team, on the other hand, was pretty solid across the board. Rashard Mendenhall and Calvin Johnson (21 each) shared team-leading honors, and kudos to DeYoung for sticking with Megatron after a rough start to the season (I know others who benched him, to their dismay). Philip Rivers (18) and DeAngelo Williams (16) also made quality contributions to the victory, and with Dez Bryant, Mike Williams, and Percy Harvin all on byes, it's pretty impressive that Deezer notched the second-highest point total of the week.

Burke City Giants (100) defeat Worthless (96)
As a coach, it's got to be frustrating when you have a player who's been outstanding for you, but breaks some silly team rule like showing up to meetings on time, forcing you to bench him. And then when that player comes into the game and runs like he owns the place, you're happy of course because he's winning you the game, but it's also kind of a "Fuck your 1-quarter suspension, Coach. You need me." Such was the case for Gary Kubiak this weekend. Equally frustrating is when you spend every summer doing countless hours of fantasy research, sifting through all the previews and "inside" info to sort the legitimate sleepers from the bullshit hype, think you have some expertise at it, and then decide that this Arian Foster cat is all hype and not worth your time. You watch him get drafted by sworn enemy Michael Toobin, and then he turns into a fantasy monster. Such is the case for yours truly. Foster (31) proved pretty definitively this weekend that he is no kind of fluke this weekend, and even if he is, his combined Week 1 and Week 4 performances will probably have him in the top-10 rushers at season's end anyway. Abetted by Ahmad Bradshaw (18) and Peyton Manning (21), Foster helped Burke City overcome a lousy receiving day to notch their third win. Every one of those points was needed, too, as Papkin's Worthless squad put up a good fight. If just one of the Worthless wonders had put up a superior day, this battle probably would have belonged to Papkin. Instead, he got a bunch of perfectly decent performances, including Mike Tolbert (16), Green Bay Defense (15), Mark Sanchez (14), and Steven Jackson (12). It all adds up to a third loss for Papkin, but I wouldn't call any of those outputs Worthless. Hang in there, Sam.

More tomorrow.

BIFL - Week 3 Review

2010-10-01T01:16:00.000-04:00

Here's the good news: after over a year of un-, under-, and semi-employment, a forced exile from my beloved Brooklyn, and a stretch of living with my parents at age 30, I am finally back in New York and back at work. Though working for the US Census, taking care of my nephews, and expediting at Danny Lee's restaurant in DC were all fun, teaching obnoxious urban kids is what I'm meant to do and now I'm back at it.
Here's the bad news: you don't really give a shit about any of that; you just want your weekly fantasy game re-capped in a witty, clever, overly verbose fashion. And due to the circumstances listed above in "the good news," my life has been super-crazy lately and I haven't been able to devote any time to Lassard. Well, it's sucked for both of us, but I feel like I'm ready to dive back in. Let's get started:

Alligator Fuckhouse (121) defeats Cholish Chachfaces (47)
Let me start this re-cap by pointing out that as I write this, Souts is right here next to me. As I mentioned above, I'm still kind of transient at the moment, and I've been staying on couches all month. Currently I'm crashing on Steve and Shelly's couch, and they've been wonderful hosts. They've fed me, drinked me, and generally been unfazed to come home each afternoon and find me sloppily napping on their couch. Really appreciated. All that said, it doesn't change the fact that I hate to see Steve have fantasy success, and this week he was nearly the league's high scorer, which just sucks. Not one, not two, but three Fuckhousers (Joe Flacco, Rashard Mendenhall, and Jeremy Maclin) went for 22 points this week, which is more than a single Chachface could manage. In fact, 22 points represents nearly half of the Chachfaces total output in Week 3, which is seriously pathetic. I mean, really Chalski? A starting running back tandem of Correll Buckhalter and Brandon Jackson (7.5 combined)? Before the bye weeks have even begun? And $100 for Jackson? The whole FAAB wad for a guy who has never topped 267 yards or two touchdowns in a season? Did you think that replacing Ryan Grant in the line-up was suddenly going to give Jackson the combined powers of Grant, Samkon Gado, DeShawn Wynn, Ahman Green, and every other Packer running back of the past five years? The sheer number of question marks I've used in the past paragraph has me re-thinking my whole perspective on Chalski, his 'big brother' status amongst our pledge class, his aptitude for presidency of the fraternity, and his competence as a parent. Shiiiiiit. Can I get a time machine to go back to 1999 and point out my young, impressionable self that this guy is maybe kind of a moron?

Cow Fister (133) defeats Pet Monkey (93)
If there's someone I hate to see have fantasy success more than Souts, it's probably Will. Actually, he was playing Billy, who I hate to see do well, too, so this was kind of a lose-lose. Now that I think about it, I kind of hate most of you and want all your teams to suck, so maybe I should just get on with the analysis. Here in the early part of the season, the Cow Fisters appear to be something of a powerhouse, boasting a perfect record and more total points than all but one BIFL franchise. Traditionally, Will has two strong players (his first- and second-round keepers) and nobody else on his team. With Bardey's new keeper rules heightening the impact of later-round draft picks, 2010 would appear to be Shoaf's last, best chance at a title. And somehow, he snaked himself a third solid point-producer in the person of Austin Collie. Collie (31) combined with the afore-mentioned top-round keepers (Peyton Manning and Adrian Peterson) for 95.5 points in Week 3. That alone would have been enough to top the Monkeys, who got strong days out of Aaron Rodgers (24, duh) and Santana Moss (19), but otherwise didn't do much. Rodgers will presumably give Billy a strong performance most weeks, but unless Maurice Jones-Drew (10) and DeAngelo Williams (6) can re-capture their 2008/2009 form, it could be a long season in Hollywood.

Juse and the Argonauts (113) defeat Iron Chef of Pounding Poon (49)
Here we come across two owners who stubbornly cling to certain players: Justin with Darren McFadden, and Dick with Brett Favre (note: it's possible Dick hasn't actually owned Favre since 2006, but this still has the ring of truthiness - also, he doesn't read this blog, so no fear of contradiction). Amazingly, Juse appears to have finally been rewarded for his ridiculous loyalty to Run-DMC, who is inexplicably averaging over 18 ppg this season and chipped in 19 this week. I am totally perplexed by this development, and fear it has something to do with me turning 30 and no longer having any idea what's going on in fantasy football. Further proof of this is Juse's high scorer of the week, Mike Vick (36). You may recall, if you've caught even one second of SportsCenter, PTI, Around the Horn, NFL Live, or Monday Night Countdown this season, that the Eagles started the season with Kevin Kolb as their quarterback. He suffered a concussion during the first half of the first game, and Vick came in to replace him to great effect. Going into Week 2, it wasn't clear whether Kolb would recover in time to play, and either way it appeared that there may be a quarterback controversy in Philadelphia. Savvy Kolb owners were bidding solid percentages of their free agent budgets to pick up Vick as an insurance policy, at the very least. Guess which Kolb owner with two thumbs sat idly by, confident that the man with all of 5 starts to his name would re-claim his spot? This guy. Guess who snatched up Vick FOR FREE after the weekly free agent auction was already over? Justin.
Fuck.

Ass-Ramming HotCocks (119) defeat I'm Fucking In (116)
I should remind myself (and you all), of course, that still there is joy in HotCockville. After all, we are one of only two undefeated teams in the league, and managed to knock off the highest-scoring team in the league in Week 3. I owe that victory to decisions I made several years ago, when I drafted Michael Turner and Chris Johnson late in the draft, and I've been riding their coattails ever since. Early on Sunday, watching Anquan Boldin (my boy! except he's Spence's boy!) go absolutely apeshit (34 pts), I was basically ready to concede victory to the Frogg. But the stellar performances of those reliable backs (46 between Johnson and Turner), combined with solid outings from Malcom Floyd (15) and Jermichael Finley (13) were enough to just eke my past I'm Fucking In. If any of the rando QBs I've been cycling through turns out to be legit, I might just have a shot at seeing Spence again somewhere down the road in the playoffs.

Lower Loudoun Tribe (109) defeats Vatican Dragons (85)
This was a game with some remarkable similarities. Two very good quarterbacks, just below that top tier of Manning-Brees-Rodgers: LLT's Tom Brady (22) and VD's Philip Rivers (28). Two top-10 wide receivers who lived up to their billing in Week 3: LLT's Brandon Marshall (24) and VD's DeSean Jackson (25). Two top-10 wide receivers who failed to live up to their billing: LLT's Andre Johnson (7) and VD's Reggie Wayne (6). Two running backs with question marks who answered those questions with a resounding "NO" in Week 3: LLT's Jonathan Stewart (7) and VD's Matt Forte (3). All in all, a pretty amazingly even match-up, right? So how'd Bardois end up with a 24 point victory, besides the fact that he's the commish and probably manipulated the numbers? One need only look at the tight end position, where Week 1's wonderful Marcedes Lewis has devolved into Week 3 woeful (1 pt), whereas the Tribe's Dustin Keller has risen every week, reaching 21 points - and icing a victory for Doit - here in Week 3.

Kurt Beran (102) defeats Your Stepdad (77)
I kind of enjoy just reading the sentence "Kurt Beran defeats your step-Dad." It makes me laugh. But that's about as entertaining as this match-up got. By all rights, Dekker should probably have taken this one. He's got a quarterback who led the league in passing yards last year (Schaub-9), a running back who exploded onto the scene as a multi-talented threat last season (Rice-9), the two most exciting - and so far, most successful - rookies of 2010 (Best-3, Bryant-5), and a Hall of Fame receiver (Moss-16). But if you were paying attention there, only one of those well-hyped players even reached double figures, whereas Chuck's squad was registering integers in the ones place and the tens place. Tony Romo (21) was the top Phonarch this week, but he was more than ably supported by Frank Gore (16), LaDainian Tomlinson (14), Louis Murphy (13), and Roddy White (12). Their combined efforts were enough to push K-Ber over the century mark, and that was more than enough to top a lame Stepdad performance.

That does it for Week 3. Sorry for the wait in kicking off the blogging season; I hope this was worth it. Hopefully, more regular posts will follow as the season progresses.

NBD - Week 3 Review

2010-09-30T22:06:00.001-04:00

Hey! Did the fantasy football season start? I totally hadn't noticed. It's been like 90 degrees up here in NYC and presumably even hotter in the various Southern climes where you all reside, so I figured I still had a while before I needed to resume my Lassardian duties. Imagine my surprise when I booted up the ol' league site and found that we were already three weeks in with the McClusterfucks sitting pretty at 2-1 (albeit with a paltry point total). I thought about going back and re-constructing some draft criticism and Reviews for Weeks 1 and 2, but then I remembered that I (finally) have a job this season and I don't really have time to go cruising down memory lane in remembrance of games that are already well in our collective rearview mirrors. I do, however, have a few spare hours this Thursday evening to look back at the Week 3 games, and will hopefully be able to do so again for the rest of the season. Without further ado, the first Lassard post of the 2010 fantasy season:

Buck Stops Here (132) defeats Lion Tastes Good (55)
I always struggle with what order to write the re-caps in, but our newly-instituted $20 prize for the weekly high scorer gives me a natural starting point. I've also decided that the award is going to be 'sponsored' by the new Lassard sidebar feature, giving us the Classic Soul Jam High Scorer of the Week. This week's CSJHSotW (that acronym could use some work) is Ray's Buck Stops Here squad, while the Classic Soul Jam of the Week is "The Oogum Boogum Song" by Brenton Wood. Go ahead and do yourself a favor and click 'Play' on that YouTube clip for two and a half minutes of soulful accompaniment to this write-up. I'm tempted to integrate the music and the content by noting that Ray's team really "cast a spell" on Papkin's, but a far easier analogy comes to mind courtesy of Buck Stops Here mascot Harry Truman: Lion Tastes Good came out of this week looking like the victim of an atomic bomb. The Fat Man and Little Boy of this match-up were Anquan Boldin (32 pts) and Tom Brady (23), who laid nuclear waste to Papkin's Nagasaki of receivers (11.2 combined out of Steve Smith, Ochocinco and Hakeem Nicks) and Hiroshima of a quarterback (Carson Palmer, 11). Even those Lion Tastes Good players who were safely out of blast range, like Steven Jackson (12), suffered the symptoms of radiation fallout, such as leukemia and strained groins. This metaphor has gotten kind of morbid, so let's just get back to the domination of BSH, including a strong performance out of the running back duo of Frank Gore and CJ Spiller (30 combined pts). Ray must also be especially proud of the 18 points contributed by his hometown defense, the Steelers. In reality football, Pittsburgh is looking like a serious defensive force to be reckoned with, and if they keep throwing fantasy points up like this, the Buck Stops Here might emerge as a similar force.

Burke City Giants (124) defeats Sex with a Pharaoh (121)
While Ray might have led the league in individual scoring, no Week 3 face-off featured more combined firepower than the game between Michael's Burke City Giants and Joe's Sex with a Pharaoh. None of the Giants could individually match the huge days of SwaP's Michael Vick (33) or Adrian Peterson (31), but across the board excellence - only two players not in double-digits - led them to victory in this match-up of what appear to be two early-season powerhouses. The Giants were led by Peyton Manning (25), who is off to a scorching start, having thrown as many touchdowns (9) in the first three games of this season as he did in his record-setting campaign of 2004. As long as a healthy percentage of them keep floating Austin Collie's way, I'm all for it. Like Peyton spreading the love between Collie, Wayne, Dallas Clark and the rest, Burke City displayed their varied scoring attack with 16-point contributions out of receivers (Randy Moss), running backs (Ahmad Bradshaw), and the defense (Philadelphia). By contrast, Colly's squad was essentially a three-headed monster, with Vick, Peterson and DeSean Jackson (22) accounting for over 71% of their scoring. Note that 121 points is nothing to sneeze at - it would have beaten nine other NBD teams this week - but perhaps Colly is paying the karmic price for having issued Ray a similarly painful loss (113 pts) in Week 2.

Sir Lucious Left Fut (112) defeats Wild Stallions (85)
In the real NFL, the only 3-0 teams after three weeks are pretty surprising: the Big Ben-less Steelers, the O-line-less Bears, and the recent success-less Chiefs. Here in NBD, the results are no less surprising: despite having been out-scored by five different franchises, featuring a starting running back tandem that comes from the same team, holding on to a wide receiver who is still contract-less and suspended, and being run by Disco Inferno (it's been too long), somehow Sir Lucious Left Fut is the sole undefeated NBD squad. (By the way, there's also only one winless team; it's called Parity, ladies and gentlemen, and it's the hallmark of the Commissioner Sovic era). This week's win came at the expense of the defending champion Wild Stallions, and while championship holdovers* Philip Rivers (26) and Rashard Mendenhall (20) played like champions, the rest of the Stallions apparently didn't see the sign posted on the way out of the locker room. Or else maybe they mis-read and thought it said "Play Like Shit Today." Either way, it's Lucious Left Fut that looked more like winners. Former Stallion Aaron Rodgers (24) led the charge, followed by a somewhat unlikely trio. Two-thirds of this trio (Thomas Jones-16 and Marion Barber-12) have the unusual commonality of being the lead rusher on their teams despite not actually being the best running back there (at least, I hope that's the case with Barber; feeling pretty dumb about Felix Jones these days). The final third is Antonio Gates (17), whose performance was unlikely not in its excellence, but in the fact that it came on Elliott's team rather than Sherwood's. Woody, seriously, what the fuck were you doing at the draft this year? If we submit to conducting next year's draft via "Webex," will you promise to go back to drafting Gates in the third round?

(*granted, Rivers was not on the Stallions team that played in the NBDBowl, but he was on the squad to start the championship season. In fact, he was traded away for Mendenhall, and this year DeYoung managed to get both on the same squad.)

Matt Ryan Loves Dogs (104) defeats Woody's Warriors (96)
Speaking of Woody, his Warriors lost in a pretty tight contest to fellow Carolinians Matt Ryan Loves Dogs. Last year, Koehler benefitted from the unexpected emergence of Cedric Benson (drafted in the 4th round) as a legitimate back. This year, he may have a similar breakout on his hands in 9th-round selection Darren McFadden, who has suddenly overcome years of shittiness and looks like the guy the Raiders drafted as a top college prospect back in 2008. I'm going to go ahead and predict right now that Koehler drafts Beanie Wells in the 5th next year and that he explodes for 1400 yards and 12 touchdowns. But if any of the rest of us take him he remains a fumble- and injury-prone shitter. Damn you, Koehler. Anyways, Benson (21) and McFadden (18) combined with Michael Turner (19) to give MRLD a killer running back triad this week. Their numbers were supplemented by Joe Flacco (22), who rewarded Koehler's patience after a lackluster first two weeks with 262 yards and three touchdowns. As an owner of the Flacco-to-Boldin connection in another league, I approve. In that same league, however, I own Maurice Jones-Drew (9), who has been a disappointment to both Woody and I, unless Eric was anticipating a 7-point average from the third overall selection. Despite MJD's lameness, the Warriors still had a shot at this one going into Monday night. Jay Cutler (16) had a pretty good night and the Bears won the game, but another touchdown or two would have given Sherwood the victory.

McClusterfuck (103) defeats Cutler Crushes Cavallari (100)
While the Matt Ryan Loves Dogs-Woody's Warriors match-up was close and came down to Monday night, the McClusterfuck-Cutler Crushes Cavallari match-up was even closer and came even downer to Monday night. Despite having an utterly hideous roster (seriously, 9.5 combined points out of three running backs this week), the McClusterfuck now finds itself 2-1. Our success can be attributed to one man: Austin Collie (29). I don't know how, or why, but Austin Collie is fucking awesome this year. I considered writing a tribute to Collie akin to 2008's ode to Michael Turner or 2009's paean to Chris Johnson, but something about the fact that Collie is a handsome, clean-cut white guy somehow makes it a little creepier to write him a whole online love letter, so I'll keep it brief and say that if he keeps this up I'll totally blow him at the end of the season. Anyway, Austin was helped to victory this week by Drew Brees (25), who - barring a league veto - may have thrown his last pass to Collie, Santana Moss (16), Zach Miller (12), and the rest of the McClusterfuck crew. After the game was over, Matt and I consummated a trade that will send Brees to Hallertown in exchange for Matt Ryan (20) and Matt Forte (4 - wait, seriously, 4? Fuck, what did I do?) Breesus Christ has been the leader of the Death Panel/McClusterfuck for 19 games now, and we'll miss him terribly, but we needed help at RB, and this was the best solution. We'll miss you, Drew, and we wish you well.

Unless we meet in the playoffs, and then we will crush you.

ChzWhthrstDghterSlyr (87) defeats Dey Eat Da Poo Poo (67)
Last year I ran a sidebar that attempted to explain all the various name changes that our teams underwent over the course of the season, providing links where appropriate. Most of the time, I knew what the story was, but hoped to enlighten the old men and pop culture illiterates of the league. But this year, I have to plead ignorance on Derek's name. As far as I can tell, it parses to "Chaz (i.e. Charlie) Whitehurst Daughter Slayer." I wikipedia'd Charlie Whitehurst, and found nothing about a slain daughter. I was actually kind of relieved, because if Whitehurst really had lost a daughter, that would have been in really poor taste. So then I Googled "Charlie Whitehurst daughter," but all I came up with was a cute story about Matt Hasselbeck's daughter thinking that Whitehurst looked like Jesus Christ. But that's Hasselbeck's daughter, not Whitehurst's, and nobody was slain. So I just have no idea. I can understand abbreviating words to fit into Yahoo's draconian letter limit, or making obscure references, or pushing the boundaries of good taste, but when you combine all three and come up with something unintelligible, it may be time to come up with something new. Manning's name, on the other hand, comes from this very funny clip:

Bigotry! And ignorance! Always funny.
Why am I spending so much time on team-name analysis? Because this game was kind of lame, and I don't have much to say. Get better, boys, and you'll earn a little more time on the blog.

That about wraps it up for Week 3. It's nice to get back to the blog, and I look forward to more regular posting in the future. Thanks for hanging in the first few weeks, and please have at it in the Comments below.

Patience

2010-09-27T22:11:00.000-04:00

It's coming. I promise. All you need is just...

Jokes and jokes and jokes

2010-08-19T00:57:00.000-04:00

I found this legitimately quite funny:

NBD 2010 - Keeper Possibilities

2010-06-21T01:46:00.000-04:00

I was sitting around today watching the World Cup or the U.S. Open or some other such summer sport nonsense when an ad for the Hall of Fame Game (August 8th) unexpectedly popped up. I nearly crapped myself. Amidst all the hooplah over the draft and then Albert Haynesworth's ridiculous trade demands, I'd forgotten that at some point in the not-too-distant future, football players will actually take the field and play actual football games. And with those games will come fantasy. With this realization upon me, I knew I had to do something, but that Hall of Fame Game is still 48 days away, with the regular season even more removed. There wasn't that much I could do, really, except...
publish the list of possible NBD Keepers for this season, despues de saltar.

A quick reminder of what qualifies a player in our labyrinthine system to be keeper-eligible: The player must have been acquired by the trade-keeper deadline of 11/20/09 and remained on your roster through to the end of the season. They can not have been drafted within the first three rounds of the draft. A player acquired via the draft (or drafted and then traded) will cost you the round they were drafted in. A player acquired via free agency will cost you a 15th-round pick. You may keep any two players as well as a third player if he was a rookie in 2009.
With those restrictions in mind, here is a list of each owner's possible keepers for 2010, with the round they'll cost in parentheses. Rookies will have an asterisk. In italics, you will find information on how the player was obtained. That info has no impact on the player's keepability, I just thought it'd be interesting to look back on. Key: D = drafted; D/T(x) = drafted & traded (by owner); FA($) = acquired via free agency (amount paid); FA/T(x) = acquired via free agency & traded (by owner)

Derek Haller
WR Santonio Holmes (4) D
RB Beanie Wells (5) D
WR Jerricho Cotchery (6) D
WR Nate Washington (12) D
TE Zach Miller (15) FA
WR Malcom Floyd (15) FA($5)
RB Ryan Moats (15) FA($87)
QB Kyle Orton (15) FA
RB Larry Johnson (15) FA/T(M Haller)
K Matt Prater (15) FA($1)

Joe Colly
WR DeSean Jackson (5) D
TE Owen Daniels (8) D
DEF Minnesota (14) D
WR Miles Austin (15) FA
WR Austin Collie (15) FA($27)
RB Justin Forsett (15) FA($28)
K Lawrence Tynes (15) FA

Matt Haller
TE Jason Witten (4) D
RB Ahmad Bradshaw (7) D
RB LeSean McCoy* (8) D/T(D Haller)
RB Chester Taylor (9) D/T(E Toobin)
WR Sidney Rice (15) FA($5)
WR Mike Wallace* (15) FA($2)
TE Jermichael Finley (15) FA($3)
RB Jerious Norwood (15) FA
RB Glen Coffee* (15) FA
DEF Cincinnati (15) FA

Mike Tarasovic
WR Lance Moore (6) D/T(S Papkin)
WR Derrick Mason (8) D
QB Matt Cassel (9) D
RB Laurence Maroney (15) FA($12)
WR Mario Manningham (15) FA($16)
RB Bernard Scott* (15) FA($9)
K Olindo Mare (15) FA($3)
DEF New Orleans (15) FA

Michael Toobin
RB Donald Brown* (5) D
QB Eli Manning (10) D
DEF Philadelphia (13) D
RB Jamaal Charles (15) FA
TE Brent Celek (15) FA
RB Justin Fargas (15) FA($6)
WR Robert Meachem (15) FA($9)
K Matt Stover (15) FA

Ray Tarasovic
TE Greg Olsen (6) D
WR Devin Hester (7) D
TE John Carlson (11) D
DEF NY Giants (13) D
K Ryan Longwell (14) D
WR Donnie Avery (15) FA($15)
RB Carnell Williams (15) FA($5)

Justin Koehler
RB Cedric Benson (4) D
WR Kevin Walter (6) D
RB Julius Jones (7) D
QB Joe Flacco (11) D
RB James Davis* (12) D
TE Jeremy Shockey (13) D
WR Lee Evans (15) FA($11)
WR Johnny Knox* (15) FA
K Mason Crosby (15) FA
DEF Green Bay (15) FA($2)

Sam Papkin
QB Ben Roethlisberger (8) D
RB Mike Bell (15) FA($15)
TE Vernon Davis (15) FA/T(M Tarasovic)
WR Chris Chambers (15) FA
WR Hakeem Nicks* (15) FA
RB Tashard Choice (15) FA
QB Matt Hasselbeck (15) FA($17)
TE Heath Miller (15) FA($3)
WR Pierre Garcon (15) FA
WR Patrick Crayton (15) FA
K Nick Folk (15) FA
DEF Buffalo (15) FA($7)

Elliott Toobin
RB Reggie Bush (4) D
WR Donald Driver (7) D
RB Leon Washington (8) D
RB Ricky Williams (10) D
K David Akers (14) D
WR Devery Henderson (15) FA($2)
WR Steve Smith 2.0 (15) FA
QB Mark Sanchez* (15) FA($15)

Eric Sherwood
RB Knowshon Moreno* (3) D/T(M Haller)
QB Donovan McNabb (4) D
WR Brandon Marshall (4) D/T(J DeYoung)
RB LenDale White (5) D
WR Torry Holt (7) D
WR Steve Breaston (8) D
DEF Pittsburgh (10) D
WR Michael Crabtree* (15) FA($7)
RB Derrick Ward (15) FA
K Robbie Gould (15) FA
DEF Dallas (15) FA

Kevin Manning
WR Santana Moss (4) D
QB Matt Schaub (5) D
RB Darren Sproles (7) D
TE Kellen Winslow (9) D
QB Brett Favre (11) D
K Stephen Gostkowski (13) D
WR Roy Williams (15) FA
WR Mark Clayton (15) FA
RB Darren McFadden (15) FA
DEF Denver (15) FA

Jon DeYoung
QB Carson Palmer (7) D
WR Percy Harvin* (8) D
RB Fred Jackson (8) D/T(M Haller)
RB Rashard Mendenhall (9) D/T(E Sherwood)
WR Mike Sims-Walker (15) FA
RB Jason Snelling (15) FA($62)
K Nate Kaeding (15) D

If any of this looks wrong, or you think there's someone who should be keepable for you who isn't listed here, let me know and I'll try to get to the bottom of it. One question I know will be asked: if you want to keep multiple players with a 15th-round value, they will cost you a 14th and a 15th, or a 13th/14th/15th as the case may be. Otherwise, players with similar round values will cost you the next round (i.e. two 5th-round values would cost your 5th- and 6th-round picks.
Let the teeth-gnashing and speculating begin. See y'all in August.

BIFL - 2010 Keeper Possibilities

2010-01-05T03:21:00.000-05:00

I'm attempting to pull a Reset tonight, which is where my sleep schedule has gotten so fucked up that I stay up all night in an attempt to "reset" my biological clock (shout-out to Marisa Tomei). Since I have nothing better to do, I figured I'd do the post I normally do several months later: a list of possible keepers for 2010. I'll included no commentary, rankings, or suggestions. This is just raw data. Do with it what you wish.

Asterisks indicate number of times kept so far, parentheses indicate round.
Bardey
WR Andre Johnson (1)
RB Kevin Smith* (1)
WR Braylon Edwards (2)
RB Matt Forte* (2)
WR Brandon Marshall (3)
RB Ahmad Bradshaw (6)
RB Donald Brown (7)
QB Matt Hasselbeck (10)
WB Brett Favre (11)
DE Jared Allen (14)

Billy
RB Clinton Portis (1)
WR Randy Moss** (2)
RB Joseph Addai (2)
RB Ronnie Brown (3)
TE Jason Witten (5)
WR Donald Driver (6)
WR Derrick Mason (8)
QB Matt Cassel (9)
QB Aaron Rodgers* (9)
WR Michael Crabtree (11)
RB Correll Buckhalter (13)
K David Akers (14)

Chalski
WR Steve Smith - CAR (1)
RB Ryan Grant (2)
WR Vincent Jackson (3)
RB Knowshon Moreno (5)
WR Santonio Holmes (6)
TE Owen Daniels (7)
QB Philip Rivers* (7)
RB Jonathan Stewart (9)
QB Ben Roethlisberger (11)
K Nate Kaeding (14)

Chuck
RB Frank Gore (1)
WR Roy Williams (3)
QB Matt Ryan (4)
WR Roddy White* (4)
WR Antonio Bryant (5)
TE Greg Olsen (6)
RB Fred Taylor (8)
WR Steve Breaston (9)
RB Willis McGahee (10)
WR Justin Gage (10)
QB Joe Flacco (12)
RB Steve Slaton* (13)

Dekker
RB Maurice Jones-Drew* (1)
WR Reggie Wayne (2)
WR DeSean Jackson (3)
RB Ray Rice (4)
QB Matt Schaub (5)
TE Antonio Gates (6)
WR Percy Harvin (7)
RB LeSean McCoy (8)
RB Jamaal Charles (10)
[Editor's Note: Jesus, every single one of those draft picks was a home run in 2009. I have no idea how I beat this team in the final. Dekker may also have an excruciating decision-making process going into next season.]

Dick
RB LaDainian Tomlinson* (1)
QB Kurt Warner (2)
WR Bernard Berrian (3)
WR Hines Ward (4)
WR Santana Moss (5)
RB DeAngelo Williams* (5)
TE Dallas Clark (6)
QB Carson Palmer (9)
WR Patrick Crayton (10)
WR Nate Burleson (11)
TE Kevin Boss (12)
K Ryan Longwell (13)

Dr. Dre
RB Steven Jackson** (1)
WR Terrell Owens (2)
QB Tony Romo (5)
RB Beanie Wells (6)
QB Eli Manning (11)

Juse
WR Larry Fitzgerald* (1)
WR Dwayne Bowe* (1)
RB Darren McFadden (2)
WR Chad Ochocinco (3)
WR Lee Evans (5)
RB Cedric Benson (6)
RB Reggie Bush (7)
QB Jay Cutler (8)
TE Zach Miller (9)

Shoaf
RB Adrian Peterson** (1)
WR Greg Jennings* (1)
QB Peyton Manning (2)
RB Marshawn Lynch (4)
WR Anthony Gonzalez (5)
RB Felix Jones (6)
WR Devin Hester (7)
WR Donnie Avery (8)
TE John Carlson (11)

Souts
QB Tom Brady* (1)
RB Thomas Jones* (1)
WR Wes Welker (2)
TE Tony Gonzalez (4)
WR Jerricho Cotchery (6)
RB Fred Jackson (8)
WR Jeremy Maclin (9)
RB Rashard Mendenhall (12)

Sovic
WR Anquan Boldin (1)
RB Michael Turner* (1)
WR Marques Colston (2)
RB Pierre Thomas (4)
RB Chris Johnson* (4)
QB Donovan McNabb (5)
WR Kevin Walter (6)
WR Torry Holt (8)
TE Visanthe Shiancoe (10)
RB Leon Washington (11)
QB David Garrard (12)

Spence
RB Brian Westbrook (1)
QB Drew Brees* (1)
WR Calvin Johnson* (1)
WR TJ Houshmandzadeh (2)
TE Chris Cooley (6)
RB Darren Sproles (8)
WR Hakeem Nicks (9)
QB Kyle Orton (12)
DB Eric Weddle (14)

BIFL - Playoffs Rounds 2 & 3 Review

2009-12-30T03:40:00.001-05:00

Yuh-Yeah-Yeah-Yeah-Yeah-Yeah.
I think I did it again. It's all over, folks, and your champions - for the third time in four years - are the Ass-Ramming HotCocks. And while the first two championship teams had quite a bit of carry-over, the only player in common between the 2007 Champs and this year's was London Fletcher. What up, LFB! I believe that's what you call a dynasty, and it's also a big middle finger to anyone who doubted my #1 Power Ranking. Who's laughing now?

...actually, it's Shoaf and Bardey, who are splitting my winnings due to the fact that I owe them both a bunch of money. Oh well, I'll always have my imaginary trophy and the history page of the BIFL site. And this blog entry, which chronicles the final two rounds of the playoffs... after the jump.

Playoffs Round 2
Ass-Ramming HotCocks (78) defeat Bardois Bourgeoisie (78)
OK, maybe I shouldn't be crowing about winning the championship, considering that I was awfully lucky just to be there. First I got a Bye out of the first round despite the fact that two teams in the league had better records (Thanks, Eastern Division!). Then I drew Bardey, probably the weakest team on paper, in the second round. True to that reputation, the Bourgeoisie did not do much in Week 15, with only Andre Johnson (21) and Brandon Marshall (13) showing up to play. Every other Bourgie starter - other than the kicker - was in single digits. So I should have had an easy path to the Final, right? Except that my guys sucked it up, too. Donovan McNabb (20) was pretty much the lone bright spot among the HotCocks. Chris Johnson (15) had a pretty shitty day by his standards, but luckily for me that's still better than almost any other player in fantasy. Anquan Boldin's 13 points locked in a 1-point victory for me, that is until the NFL ruled that a pass that had given Q 82 receiving yards was actually a lateral, giving him 77 receiving yards and five rushing yards, which is worthless in our still-in-the-20th-Century no-fractional-points league. That brought the score to a tie, with the HotCocks advancing thanks to their higher seed. After some discussion between Doit, Shoaf and I, we agreed that the seed as the tie-breaker makes sense (it rewards regular season success), but that it might be more in the spirit of our league to change it in the future to IDP performance, since that is such a unique feature of our league. A matter for summer discussion, to be sure, but for now the HotCocks managed to live another day.

Chip Lohmiller (141) defeats Alligator Fuckhouse (63)
Yow.
Dekker had a pretty phenomenal regular season, and only two of his scores were higher than his Week 15 total. Souts had a very erratic regular season, with some incredible highs and embarrassing lows, but he never scored less than he did in Week 15. That should tell you all you need to know about this game. If the Bourgeoisie-HotCocks game was as tight as a drum, this match-up was as loose as Dekker's sister. Hi-yo!!! (Note: I don't actually remember if Dekker has a sister, and there's a possibility that if he does, she's like 10. But whatever.) The top three Lohmillers - Maurice Jones-Drew (29), Reggie Wayne (23), and DeSean Jackson (22) - would have beaten the entire Fuckhouse team by 11. Not comfortable stopping there, Dekker threw in a Matt Schaub (18) and a Josh Cribbs (12). Brutal. The only Fuckhouser I will mention is Rashard Mendenhall (16), who apparently did not get the memo about his team taking the week off. I will note this, though: I'm not saying that it's his fault, or that I would have set my line-up any different, or that it would have even made a remote dent in Dekker's lead, but it's interesting to me that Soutendijk ended up with a higher-scoring option on the bench at QB, RB, WR, WR/TE, and TE. Woof.

5th-Place Game: Merriman's Bitch-Chokers (131) defeat Pet Monkey (122)
Billy probably said it best when commenting: "Would've been nice if we had done this last week, huh?" This was the type of performance that led to both of these teams being favorites in the Round 1 games. After a measly seven points in Week 14, Aaron Rodgers (41) made up for it and then some here, even if it was too little, too late. Billy's Patriots also got back on track, with Laurence Maroney and Randy Moss combining for 27 points. And Derrick Mason (14) had a second straight strong week. And even with all that, Pet Monkey had to settle for sixth, because the Bitch-Chokers were outstanding in Week 15. The Bitch-Choker offense was an onslaught in Round 2, with five players well into double-figures. Peyton Manning (30) did his best to minimize the effects of Rodgers' big day. Adrian Peterson (16) had his millionth straight high-teens outing. Ricky Williams (14) continued his successful run to end the season. Miles Austin (23) solidified his case as top free agent pick-up of the year. And even Greg Jennings (21), the year-long disappointment, showed up. It was everything Will hoped his playoffs would be... and it won him fifth place. Congratulations, Shoaf!
(Note: This game actually happened again this week, and Billy won. So I suppose we could take the aggregate scores or something - Shoaf would win - or call it a tie at 1-1, but since in any other tournament format this would be the 5th-place game, that's what I'm calling it.)

Playoffs Round 3
3rd-Place Game: Alligator Fuckhouse (91) defeats Bardois Bourgeoisie (66)
Having suffered through injuries and general shittiness all season, Bardey called into service two Redskins to take his fantasy squad through the playoffs: Devin Thomas and Quinton Ganther. Well, I attended the 'Skins-Cowboys game on Sunday night, and I will tell you this: no one with any Redskins offensive player deserved to win a fantasy game in Week 16, and likely nobody did. It was awful. And embarrassing. And Thomas (0) and Ganther (2) were only the beginning of Bardois' woes, with Chris Jennings (0) and Brandon Marshall (3) coming out just as shitty. Brett Favre (21) and Andre Johnson (13) fought as much as they could, but ultimately the Bourgies just didn't have it in them to fight for third. That led Souts to an easy victory and his highest finish ever in BIFL. The Fuckhousers were led once again this week by Tom Brady (26) and Thomas Jones (18), both of whom spent the entire season disproving my low expectations of them, just like Souts. Wes Welker (15) and Sidney Rice (11) also chipped in, and though the point total was not terribly high, Soutendijk has plenty to be proud of after this fantasy season.

Championship Game: Ass-Ramming HotCocks (129) defeat Chip Lohmiller (96)
Much was made earlier in the season of Dekker's shit-talking to me, especially with regards to my decision to draft Anquan Boldin over Reggie Wayne, who fell to him with the next pick. So it was an opportunity for sweet revenge when we met in the Finals, and it was even sweeter when Dekker decided that Reggie Wayne wasn't even worth a start! Ultimately, that turned out to be a pretty wise decision, as Wayne scored only three points. But who would have guessed that Dekker would have left two running backs on the bench (Jerome Harrison, 20; Jamaal Charles, 14) who would out-score Maurice Jones-Drew (9). It was that sort of sub-par performance that led Dekker, the regular season champ and long-time favorite, to fall at the hands of the HotCocks. The unofficial BIFL Team of the Decade knows how to win championships, and we brought it in Week 16, with six offensive players in double-digits (and a defensive one to boot). Donovan McNabb (30), who I've drafted time after time across my many leagues, despite his propensity to disappoint me/leave his best performances on the bench, finally came through with his best performance of the year when I needed it most. 2009 BIFL MVP Chris Johnson (26) delivered as usual, and the Saints triumvirate came through with 30 points between them. Oh, and who was the highest-scoring receiver in the Championship game? Anquan Boldin, of course, with 13 points. Normally, I would congratulate my vanquished opponent, laud his excellent season, and walk away a gracious winner. But Dekker talked shit, he interrupted my streak of championships last year, and he spent the holidays in god damn Jamaica, while I was under two feet of snow in Northern Virginia. So fuck you, Dekker: second is the first loser.

NBD - Playoffs Rounds 2 & 3 Review

2009-12-29T15:17:00.001-05:00

It was a wild and woolly ride, but we've reached the end. The 2009 NBD Season has come to a close, and your new Champion is... the Wild Stallions! Congratulations to DeYoung, who squeaked out a championship win in probably the closest NBDBowl that any of us will ever see. DeYoung will take home $650 for his defeat of Colly's Who Gonna Check Me Boo? in the Finals. Colly himself takes home a decent chunk of change as well, earning $300 for the 2nd-place prize as well as $150 for winning the regular season. Finally, Elliott's F You Tom Brady will have their entry fee refunded for nabbing 3rd place. Congrats to all the money-winners and to everyone for another fun season. For details on how these guys managed to grab their cash (and bobblehead/t-shirt), read on...

Playoffs Round 2
Who Gonna Check Me Boo? (118) defeats the Death Panel (100)
Power-ranked at #1 and #2 in the Playoff Power Rankings, these two teams had achieved that favored status largely on the play of two studs: Chris Johnson for the Boo-Checkers and Drew Brees for the Panel. Neither Johnson (14) nor Brees (11) really stepped up in the second round of the playoffs, so it fell to their supporting casts to carry the team on. And Colly's supporting cast was undoubtedly better than mine. While Laurence Maroney (14) and Derrick Mason (15) had among their best days of the season, only two DPers out-scored them: the wideout combo of Andre Johnson (20) and Chad Ochocinco (17). That made for a decent outing, but "decent" is rarely what carries you to a championship game, especially against a team of this caliber. While the afore-mentioned Chris Johnson was unspectacular, every other Boo-Checker that you'd expect came to play in Week 15. Maurice Jones-Drew (26) led the way, followed closely by DeSean Jackson (21) and Miles Austin (20). With those types of performances, and with the Defense/Kicker position favoring Colly by nine, it was curtains for the Death Panel's season. Still, this is as well as my NBD team has finished in a long time (maybe ever), and I'm proud of their efforts along the way.

Wild Stallions (113) defeat F You Tom Brady (102)
Some people, when faced with fantasy adversity, shrug their shoulders and say "That's life." Others look to their opposition - in this case, a monstrous day by Aaron Rodgers (38), a vintage performance by the Ravens D (18), and a solid outing from Rashard Mendenhall (17) - and acknowledge their superiority. Still others would take a "silver lining" approach, and appreciate the efforts of their players- like Dallas Clark (22), Reggie Wayne (19), and Ricky Williams (15) - even in a losing contest. And then there is Elliott, who chooses instead to single out one member of his team for individual blame and public mockery. Tom Brady was fourth among fantasy quarterbacks this season, scoring nearly 19 points a game in his first season back from a devastating knee injury. He provided solid leadership and production all season long to an often rudderless Pizza Hut / Mental Errors team. But in Week 15, he had an off week, netting only seven points. And even though his owner had put such talent as TJ Houshmandzadeh (7) and Reggie Bush (5) around him, and even with team late-comer Joseph Addai (7) laying a similar egg, Elliott saluted the man who led him through the season the only way he knows how: with a middle finger. With the collective bargaining agreement up this summer, and the potential for big free agent signings, will any player with any dignity be willing to play for Elliott "Black Heart" Toobin, seeing as how he so callously and egregiously threw one of his supposed cornerstones under the bus? Fans of the franchise can only hope.

5th-Place Game: Hannibal Lance Harry (107) defeats Burke City Giants (105)
The only fantasy match-up that brings me more excitement than a DadBowl is a Playoff DadBowl. And keeping with tradition, this one was a barn-burner. Having traded away much of his talent mid-season, Michael Toobin was lucky to snatch up Jamaal Charles at just the right time, as he has been one of the top fantasy RBs over the latter half of the season. Week 15 was no exception, with Charles amassing an impressive 23 points. Peyton Manning (27) was similarly excellent, and their efforts, along with the Philly Defense (15) and Randy Moss (13) were enough to push the Giants into triple-digits despite some so-so performances from the rest of the crew. Unfortunately for Michael, though, that score was still just a few points shy of Ray's crew. Any optimism Ray had for this season came from the fact that he would finally be able to draft top first-round talent, and could leave his losing ways of the past behind as a distant memory. And yet here in the play-offs, oddly enough it was the holdovers from last year's squad that carried him to victory and his highest ever NBD finish. David Garrard (21) had his second-highest scoring output of the season, and good old Greg Jennings (18), so maligned for much of the season as a disappointment, finally showed up. Supported by John Carlson (15), Cadillac Williams (15), and Frank Gore (13), Harry Lance Hannibal improved six spots over last year to claim the 5th-place crown.

Playoffs Round 3
3rd-Place Game: F You Tom Brady (102) defeats the Death Panel (71)
I'll be honest: I sort of forgot that there was a 3rd place prize in this league, and I didn't really check my line-up before this game. It took Elliott sending me a braggadocious text to remind me that it was even going on (my attention was focused on winning the BIFL championship). But alas, any line-up change I might have made (and I don't think there was one) wouldn't have brought me any closer to beating Elliott. The Death Panel, crushed by missing out on the opportunity to play for a title, just didn't bring it this week. Drew Brees (14) was, by his standards, quite mediocre. Andre Johnson (13) and Ray Rice (14) demonstrated their characteristic consistency but nothing spectacular. And the rest of the Panel? Let's not get into it. We'll take fourth. Meanwhile, Tom Brady (27) showed just what a class act he is by leading his team into battle one more time, despite his owner's best efforts to show him up. Most of his teammates followed Elliott's lead by attempting to fuck him over, but late-season acquisition Jerome Harrison (19) and the kicking/defensive unit (28) apparently hadn't drank enough of the Toobin Kool-Aid to let their team down.

Championship Game: Wild Stallions (84.38) defeat Who Gonna Check Me Boo? (84.20)
Man, this shit last night was crazy. But first, let's set the table: It was a pretty quiet Friday night/Sunday afternoon for both teams, with only Chris Johnson (24) appearing to be aware that his performance had championship ramifications. DeYoung's triad of Aaron Rodgers (14), Pierre Thomas (12), and Larry Fitzgerald (11) were keeping him competitive, but it wasn't until Sunday evening, when San Francisco completed its dismantling of the Lions to the tune of 21 defensive points, that DeYoung took the lead. Still, it was only a ten-point margin, and the Stallions were finished. That left Colly's Vikings, Visanthe Shiancoe and the Defense, to lead him to glory. The automatic starting 10 points given to defenses immediately closed the gap, but the unexpected scoring outburst from the Bears had that lessening and lessening as the game went on. But when Shiancoe (10) caught a Brett Favre touchdown pass in the third quarter, it appeared that Colly had yet another championship salted away. Fate, however, had other ideas. As the game wore on, the Minny D continued its porousness, but a classic Favre comeback effort led to a tie ballgame at the end of regulation. At that point, Colly was up by three, and there were a number of scenarios that could have guaranteed him a win: a Vikings win, any kind of sack or turnover for their defense, some Shiancoe yardage (unlikely since he had left with an injury), or even a Bears' winning field goal, since that would have kept the Vikes' D in the same scoring-allowed bracket that they were already in. On the initial drive of overtime, things were looking good, as Robbie Gould lined up the field goal to ice it away... But no! Wide right! An unsuccessful drive for each team ensued, further prolonging Colly's anguish. And then, just like that, it all disappeared. Two owners watched, one in horror, the other in delight, as a Jay Cutler pass sailed downfield and into the open arms of Devin Aromashodu for the final touchdown of the game, and the final play of the NBD season. Congrats to the Stallions, who gain their first league title and may have finally erased forever the awful memories of an overslept draft that have haunted this organization for years. As the Stallions enter a new decade, they do so no longer as chumps, but as champs, with their heads held high.

BIFL - P & P Wrap-Up

2009-12-21T01:26:00.000-05:00

So I've decided not to do any Previews & Predictions for the playoffs (other than my Playoff Power Rankings), meaning that the record books on my picking accuracy have closed for the year. I finished up Weeks 12 and 13 with a solid 9-3 run, bringing my season total to 46-26. That's a .639 record, which I'd wager is better than ESPN's predictions. But unsatisfied with merely being right on nearly two-thirds of my picks, I decided to delve deeper and see if there were any particular trends to my picking or teams that I was more or less right or wrong about. The results:

Most Predictable: Generally, you'd expect a "predictable" team to be either predictably very good or predictably very bad. The teams who most often did as predicted were no exception, as they sit at the extremes of our league standings. Dekker's team, who ended the regular season on top, did as I predicted 11 of 13 times, with most of them being wins. In fact, I only predicted him to lose once all season. And he did. On the other end of the spectrum, Dick and Andre also performed to expectations 11 of 13 times. Needless to say, though, expectations were much lower for them. Doesn't matter to me, though. Win or lose, a correct pick is a correct pick. Thanks fellas.

Least Predictable: In my old Notes (remember when I used to send out Microsoft Word files?) and on the blog the past two years, I've often wavered in my feelings on Chuck's team. Sometimes they've been my dark horse favorites, other times a hated group of fucks. So perhaps it's not surprising that, with so many conflicting emotions at play, I had the hardest time picking Chuck's outcomes. In seven of thirteen contests this season, I made the wrong call as far as I'm Here for the Gangbang. That is the only franchise in BIFL or NBD where I failed to pick more than half their games correctly. Damn your spontaneous nature, Chuck, and damn you.

Rewarding My Faith: As noted before, having a very good or very bad team makes predicting a lot easier, and the man with the best team is also the one who delivered the most predicted wins for me. Twelve times I backed Chip Lohmiller to bring home a W, and only twice did he fail me. Nice work, Dekker.

Reliably Shitty: Again, this is kind of a repeat of the "Most Predictable" category, but Dick and Andre both sucked almost every time I needed them to. No surprises, no break-outs, no upsets. Just reliable shittiness week in and week out. I picked each of these guys to lose eight times, and only once did each find some way to buck the odds and win one. It might have killed your records, boys, but your shittiness helped to pad mine.

I'm Not Angry, I'm Just Disappointed: We all have those guys in fantasy that we expect big things from, and when they fail to deliver we refuse to accept it. As the season drags on and the production fails to materialize, we keep thinking: next week. It's coming next week. The same thing happens with me and my picks, where I keep waiting for a "good" team to actually play well. And just like with fantasy players, that blind faith can bite you in the ass. If I'd had my way, Mark's Cholish Chachfaces would have been a playoff team this year. They might have even surpassed me in the Eastern standings. But of the eight times I picked Chalski to win this season, he only came through half the time. (And once he won when I picked him to lose, as if to really rub my nose in it. You're a dick, Chalski.)

Fuck You, Sovic: As I mentioned earlier, I really fucking hated Chuck's team this year. I mean, he's been starting Roy E. Williams all season. You know? But it could be that my antipathy for Chuck's players led me to undervalue them, as I picked them to lose nine times, more than Spencer, Andre, or Dick, all of whom finished below him. And on five of those loss picks, Chuck got the chance to raise his hand high in the Minnesota air and extend a middle finger whose shadow could be seen clear across the Midwest to Brooklyn. Message received, Chuckles. Come 2010, I'm back on your side.

NBD - P & P Wrap-Up

2009-12-21T00:55:00.001-05:00

So I've decided not to do any Previews & Predictions for the playoffs (other than my Playoff Power Rankings), meaning that the record books on my picking accuracy have closed for the year. I finished up Weeks 12 and 13 with a solid 9-3 run, bringing my season total to 48-24. That means I picked the winner in exactly two-thirds of the NBD match-ups this year, which is a record I'd put up against any so-called "professional" fantasy writer. (That's right, Brandon Funston. I'm talking to you.) But unsatisfied with merely being right on 67% of my picks, I decided to delve deeper and see if there were any particular trends to my picking or teams that I was more or less right or wrong about. The results:

Most Predictable: The Most Predictable teams in the league turned out to be Elliott's and Haller's. I know these two fuckers like the back of my hand, and I was able to pick correctly 11 out of 13 times for both of them. I suggest you two pay attention next year, and if I'm picking you to lose, make some drastic changes.

Least Predictable: Interestingly, the two teams I had the hardest time predicting belonged to the owners I have the strongest feelings about. Emotion must have clouded my judgement here, because the man I've loved as long as I can remember, my Dad, and the man I've hated since the moment he wrote his first e-mail, Papkin, both managed to flummox my foresight six times. (I'd like to note that even for the teams I did the worst job on, I still picked more than half their outcomes correctly.)

Rewarding my Faith: Like any gambler or odds-maker, there are teams I keep coming back to as my horses. The ones I know I can pick to win that will reward my faith, and the ones I know well enough to see when a good week is coming. In NBD this year, that team was the Mental Errors. Eight times this season I picked Elliott to win, and in seven of those eight picks, he delivered. Thanks, E.

Reliably Shitty: By the same token, there are teams that I know I can count on often to lose and lose big. Their players suck, they don't set their line-ups, and they never come up with a big day against a good opponent. These are the reliably shitty. And the reliably shittiest team this year was Matt Haller's. I picked Haller to lose eight times this season, and only once did he surprise me by actually pulling off a victory. Nice atrociousness, Haller.

I'm Not Angry, I'm Just Disappointed: Every year, some team looks fantastic to me in the draft, and I think they're a lock to walk away with the title. Even when the season begins and their guys start dropping week after week of single-digit performances, I see a turn-around perennially a week away. These are the teams I can't help but pick to win, even when they pile up one loss after another. Kevin Manning won only three games this year, and I picked every one of them correctly. But I also picked wins for him in Weeks 3, 4, 5, and 10, and he lost every single one. Kex, you are my biggest disappointment, my... brilliant mistake.

Fuck You, Sovic: I talk a lot of shit on this blog, and for some of you one of the biggest rewards of a fantasy victory each week is probably proving me wrong (note: if you haven't picked up on it yet, I have an exaggerated sense of self-importance). Every week of the season, at least one of you got the opportunity to rub my nose in it, grabbing a win when I had (probably obnoxiously) chosen you to lose. And who did it more than anyone? Who else? My own father and his goddamn Bartelby/Harry Lance Hannibal squad, who five times this season turned an expected L into a W. I thought that after these lousy genes and an emotionally scarring childhood, you would have been done fucking with me, Dad. I hope you're satisfied.

BIFL - Playoffs Round 1 Review

2009-12-17T15:22:00.001-05:00

Gee, with Donovan McNabb sipping Mai Tais in St. Barth's, Anquan Boldin working on his much-anticipated alto sax jazz fusion album ("Return of the Q"), and Chris Johnson browsing eastern North Carolina's yard sales and swap meets (a Sunday habit dating back to his college days), the bye week-laden HotCocks and I had almost forgotten that there were BIFL games last weekend. Bereft though the league must have been at our absence, I figured I'd do some write-ups anyway. Here you go:

Alligator Fuckhouse (95) defeats Pet Monkey (66)
Souts just continues to disprove the nay-sayers. First they told him "You'll never make it through the DTD pledge process, Steve; you fainted when people started yelling at you." But he perservered. Then it was "You'll never make it in the cut-throat world of Manhattan commercial real estate, Steve; they'll see right through your shit-eatinggrin and ass-kissing ways." But his grin ate more shit than anyone could have expected and his lips actually caught hemorrhoids - heretofore thought impossible - from kissing ass so well. Then, when he announced his intentions to run in the 2008 Olympics in Beijing, they told him "You're too small, Souts. You're not fast enough, Souts. Give up your foolish dreams, Steve." But again, he proved them wrong.* And then, in last week's Playoff Power Rankings, I put Steve at the bottom of the list and his week one opponent, Billy, at #2. Once again, Souts proved us all wrong. Although, let's be honest, he didn't do anything fantastic. It was more that Pet Monkey made me look really, really dumb for ranking him so highly. Billy's team was abysmal this week, taking all the momentum they had built up over the second half of the season and flying right off a cliff with it. Aaron Rodgers had not been below 20 points since Week 2. He was as much of a lock for solid fantasy output as anyone in the league. And he posted seven points. Naturally, his receiving target Donald Driver (2) suffered as well. Opposite him in the Monkey formation? The much-maligned Randy Moss (0), who supposedly took the week off. Those three guys, Julius Peppers (0), and David Akers (6) all had their worst weeks of the season in Week 14. Not a good way to go into the playoffs. Meanwhile, Alligator Fuckhouse may not have been spectacular, but they were certainly good, especially Thomas Jones (21). I've been declaring TJ "done" for two years already, and he's now the 5th-best running back in fantasy for 2009. I will surely do the same thing next year and the year after that. At some point, I'll be right, but until then I'll just keep looking like an idiot. The Fuckhouse also got help in Round 1 from Wes Welker (12), picking up the slack left by Moss, and another outstanding IDP performance. This week's AF IDP superstar was Keith Bulluck (12), who scored more than all but one Pet Monkey player (Derrick Mason, 17). Yikes.

Bardois Bourgeoisie (135) defeats Merriman's Bitch Chokers (118)
Ideally, this write-up would just be a compendium of Will's comments on last week's Lassard post, his texts to me and Bardey during the games on Sunday, and a transcript of whatever he mumbled as he cried into Katie's arms on Sunday night. But I promised to lay off because he has apologized profusely for his sniveling, so I will try to give as objective an assessment of this game as possible. First: the Bitch Chokers played well. Their 118 points would have beaten either of the other teams playing meaningful football in Week 14, and would have beaten me if I'd been playing. Adrian Peterson (25), Peyton Manning (18), Ricky Williams (16), Miles Austin (13), and Brent Celek (12) were all as good as they should have been. They just weren't good enough to beat the best week of Bardey's otherwise unremarkable season. And it sucks, but that's the way the fantastical cookie crumbles. Let's look at this amazing outburst from the Bourgeoisie: Brett Favre (9) was nothing special, and Kevin Smith (7) managed to knock himself out for the season. But Bardey's stud receivers turned into supermegastud receivers, with Brandon Marshall and Andre Johnson combining for 72 points. That alone would have beaten Billy. I'm tempted to look back through the annals to see if any BIFL receiver combo has ever combined for that many points, but it would take a really long time and I'm fairly confident that it's never happened, so I'm gonna go ahead and declare it a record. Still, that 72 wouldn't have been enough on its own to take out Shoaf. Another stud was needed, and he came in most unlikely form.

This guy plays for my team, and I'm pretty sure this is the first time I've ever seen his face. His name is Quinton Ganther, and he turned 50 rushing yards and two touchdowns into a bucking-the-odds victory for the Bourgeoisie. As recently as November 11th, this guy was not on an NFL roster. Amazing. And if Will is looking for a new decoration for, say, his dart board, trash can liner, or urinal cake, I recommend the above picture. Meanwhile, Bardey will be unwrapping a QG Fathead™ from me this Christmas morn.

*Note: that might have been Steve Prefontaine.

NBD - Playoffs Round 1 Review

2009-12-16T01:53:00.001-05:00

Whoever gave the go-ahead to the series of Gap ads currently in heavy rotation featuring grade school children performing cheerleader-like chants deserves to have this done to him or her:

...and not just being swung, encased in a sleeping bag, into a tree, but the whole thing. They should have to go, with friends, to a cabin in the woods for a weekend of debauchery. They should be made to feel all the nervous, giddy excitement of a teenage girl ready to lose her virginity in a tent. And then a hulking, undead beast in a ghastly mask should machete his way into that tent, zip them inside a sleeping bag, and beat them to death against a tree.
God damn I hate those commercials. Now that I got that out of my system...

Round 1 of the 2009 Playoffs doubled as Family Feud week and tripled as a generational war, with the Toobins and Tarasovics squaring off in a pair of quarterfinal match-ups. While I would have been happy to claim familial superiority by seeing my dad and I both advance to the next round, I take solace in the fact that if my blood was not entirely successful, at least my age group was. For further details...

Mental Errors (102) defeat Harry Lance Hannibal (89)
On Wednesday morning last week, Elliott's $10 bid was processed and he acquired the Tennessee defense as a free agent. A little more than 24 hours later, Ray realized that his own defense (the Giants) had an unfavorable match-up and decided to grab a free agent as well, taking the Patriots. That day of delay (or under-bid?) on Ray's part may have cost him passage to the second round of the playoffs. Now I don't mean to imply that the rest of the Mental Errors didn't put in a solid effort, because they did. Dallas Clark (22) had an undeniably hateable three touchdowns, and Ricky Williams (16) continued to benefit from having taken the reins in Miami. But what really stands out is that 21-point performance out of the Tennessee Titans' D next to the measly six that Ray got from the Pats. Ray did make a valiant attempt to close the gap, getting Ryan Grant's best day of the year (26) and a tantalizing Monday night effort from Frank Gore (24), who was gaining the type of yardage where a 50-yard breakaway touchdown to bring the game into real contention did not seem impossible. But ultimately, just like we knew they would, this team simply had too many shitters (Antonio Bryant 2, Donnie Avery 1, Greg Olsen 1). Sorry, Dad. Nice season.

The Death Panel (125) defeats Burke City Giants (108)
I was fortunate to spend this Sunday at Brooklyn's finest (or at least TViest) sports bar, 200 Fifth, in honor of Joe Colly's first return to the borough since departing back in August. Everyone had a good time all day long, especially as the occasion was marked by a rare Skins victory. But one glorious stretch - the first half of the first round of games - was absolutely magical for me, because it was the finest half of fantasy football I have ever had. It might have been one of the best fantasy halves any team has ever had. In that half, Andre Johnson (32) had 184 yards and two touchdowns. Ray Rice (26) had 204 all-purpose yards and a touchdown. Drew Brees (24) had already completed two of the day's three touchdowns. Derrick Mason (15) caught a 64-yard touchdown pass. And Chad Ochocinco (9) dawned a sombrero and serape.* By the time all the early games had reached halftime, I was already over the century mark. Things slowed down quite a bit by then, but it was enough to put me safely ahead of Michael for good. Not that I wasn't nervous. The Giants brought some firepower. Jamaal Charles (24), who will probably be a pretty awesome keeper next year, nearly matched Ray Rice's day. Peyton Manning (22) was only a few off the pace set by Brees. And the Philly D (19) managed some serious scoring despite giving up 38 points on Sunday night. But I was saved by good old Randy Moss (0), who finally got his revenge on the Giants for that SuperBowl defeat by taking the day off when they needed him most. And so ends Michael Toobin's attempts to just have fun for 2009. Sorry, dad. Nice season.

*not really, that was last week, but it seemed a fitting punctuation mark to that list.